Today we challenge your view of what makes a person a peacemaker. We’re not talking about the person that avoids conflict or doesn’t “rock the boat”.We are talking about the person who RESOLVES conflict through healthy communication and interactions.
“A Better New Year’s Resolution” is an 8 part series where therapists Vincent & Laura discuss character traits that help your relationships.
Each week for the last several weeks we have focused on making “A Better New Year’s Resolution.” Instead of making diet and fitness goals, we are looking to improve our character.Each episode is about developing a character trait. This week’s episode is about becoming a peacemaker.
Being a peacemaker is not an easy thing. This person does not stir up fights. They have a lot of courage.
1.) Not the person who is passive & doesn’t rock the boat.
This is someone who addresses conflict. They are very thoughtful. When they speak, they are intentional. Ravi Zacharias, a leader in apologetics, met with Israeli and Palestinian leaders to do some peace talks.
He had the opportunity to meet with an Israeli leader and a Palestinian leader. Both of the leaders had lost children to terrorism and fighting that had occurred due to the conflicts.
He aligned with the both of them by saying, “It must be difficult to lose a child. You have sacrificed your child. What pain you must be going through.”In doing so, he showed them that he was trying to understand them both.
In the middle of this discussion, he presented the Gospel.He talked about God the father and how He sacrificed His son. He was able to use this opportunity to present the Gospel.
Most people would cower in a situation where they are between two warring foes, not Ravi Zacharias.He was able to communicate THROUGH the pain that both fathers were feeling. It takes a lot of courage. Be sure to check out our BRAVE episode if you’d like some extra help on mustering up your courage.
2.) They work to find a solution which means compromise or setting healthy boundaries.
We are marriage therapists, we often see couples stuck in their ways.Once they have been stuck for a while, hearts begin to harden.
Areas such as household duties and parenting are common problem areas for hardened hearts to develop.An “I’m right, you’re wrong attitude” begins to emerge and they begin to operate out of that as a default mode.
Sometimes even pet peeves can grow into a hardened heart. Your heart hardens onto these opinions and it becomes extremely difficult to compromise.
It is painful to break these ideals. A peacemaker is able to adjust. They are flexible.
3.) They have empathy.
A peacemaker wants what is best for all involved.They are able to see how others think and feel.
Being a peacemaker is not being passive, however.A peacemaker is not someone who just keeps peace by postponing conflict.
Postponing conflict is like putting anger in a pressure cooker.Being passive is like participating in building a bomb. Vincent calls it being an “emotional bomb-builder.”
Weeks, months, years pass and the anger errupts, and it is much worse than it needed to be if had been acknowledged in the first place. If you need some pointers on addressing the “elephant in the room” be sure to check out our episode where we interview Jill Martin.
4.) They resolve conflict.
Resolving conflict requires several different components.
Atmosphere
A peacemaker is able to gauge the atmosphere and to set the atmosphere. They can set the tone, or help to set the tone.They know when to address a problem.
To help you learn how to gauge the atmosphere, pay attention to your five senses. For instance, if everyone is cramped into a hot, crowded car, it’s not best to try to bring up a problem.
Also beware of distractions. If someone is hungry, it is loud, the tv is on, the kids can hear, etc. it’s not a good time to try to bring up a contentious issue. A peacemaker makes or finds an appropriate atmophere.
Focus on the Problem Not the Person
A peacemaker is able to extract the problem from the persons involved. They do not identify the other person as the problem. They do not personalize the situation.
Be Honest & Direct While Using Tact
A peacemaker may plan out what they are about to say—scripting it.Organizing your thoughts is helpful to make things come out in a healthy way.
Try sandwiching it.Use positives before getting to the actual issue.Do things to align yourself with the other person.Being able to empathize, using feeling words, goes a long way.
Examples may include “That must have really hurt when…” or “You must have felt really frustrated when…” Another important comment to make is “I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.”
An example of using the “sandwich technique” would be:“I really appreciated it when you helped Tommy with his science project, but it upset me when you told mom what I told you about the problems my wife and I are having. When I told you this in confidence, it really upset me.I didn’t want mom to know.It hurt my trust. I value our relationship.I want it to be healthy.I needed to address this with you so I wouldn’t hold resentment towards you. I would want you to tell me if I’ve done something to hurt you, as well.” Notice how the peacemaker ends on a positive note.
In conflict, you need to show the other person that you understand them. Don’t tell them, “I understand.”SHOW them you understand.This means using emotion words, for example: “it must have hurt to…”
This helps you to connect to the other person. It deepens the communication and connection. They will know that you understand them. It helps the peacemaker come up with a concrete plan.You’re able to work towards boundaries.
Peacemaking is not a one time deal.It is a process of forgiving and leaving the door open for more dialogue in the future. It may mean expressing a boundary, such as “next time you bring up the problem, I’ll say ‘I don’t want to hear that…it’s not appropriate.’” Be clear and concise, and follow through.
Conclusion
Being a peacemaker is not a common quality. We hope that you have found today’s episode helpful in working on conflict resolution in your relationships so that you can become a healthy peacemaker!
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”Matthew 5:9
“A Better New Year’s Resolution” is an 8 part series where therapists Vincent & Laura discuss character traits that help your relationships.
Do you feel like you are wearing a mask?In today’s episode, the hosts of Relationship Helpers, therapists Vincent and Laura Ketchie discuss peeling off the mask to reveal the genuine you.
Before a child reaches the age of two, you see a person who is the least likely to lie.Of course as the toddler years emerge, lying starts.But prior to this stage in human development, what you see is what you get.
At some point, however, we begin to lie.Usually it starts with little “white lies” to get what we want. Disingenuous behavior eventually gets us in trouble as children, as later it does adults.It creates conflict in our relationships because of a lack of honesty or forthrightness.When we are not genuine in our relationships, we end up in constant struggle.
How to Become More Genuine
1.) People can’t mind-read you
Your spouse can guess what you’re thinking but they cannot read your mind. Thoughts need to be verbalized to be better/fully understood.
If you are not assertive (direct, clear) with others, it becomes a guessing game. It’s a timeless experience, a couple wants to order takeout, but they play the “I don’t know what I want…” game.
The other spouse makes a suggestion and the one spouse says, “Well, I don’t want that.”And round and round the conversation goes, taking up time and leaving them both hungry. It’s like a dance; dancing around the point: getting the food.
This behavior leaves the spouse who asked the question frustrated. It sets a bad tone.
If you want to improve the health of your relationship, it’s important to remember not to frustrate your loved one by being passive and indirect.Expecting someone to read your mind is detrimental to your relationship.
2.) Be honest with yourself
You need to be honest with yourself.
Not only do we need to be honest with others, we need to be honest with ourselves. We need to have an awareness of our strengths and weaknesses. If you recognize that you are passive, be proactive about changing that behavior.
Remember that your passivity will frustrate your loved ones unless you do something about it. This means seeking out opportunities to step outside of your comfort zone.
When you take the risk of putting yourself in opportunities where you could fail, you grow. Some people may look back on their lackluster sports attempts and feel negatively.Rather than choosing to focus on how poorly you performed, consider other takeaways.
For instance, if you have two left feet, you may consider how you were as a team mate. Look at the strengths you had. Maybe you would have been a better strategist, coach, cheerleader or supporter?
In Proverbs we are told that it is wise to accept correction—that a fool hates correction. Study the correction you have received.Look at how you have received the correction.You may need to take an honest look at how you perceive yourself.
3.) Don’t be aggressive
Don’t confuse being genuine with “telling people like it is.”Aggressive people often think that they are genuine. Although they are speaking “their truth” they are bulldozing the relationship.It’s not helpful.
Being genuine means you have an awareness of others being equals—seeing each person on an equal playing field.You are valuing their needs and wants but at the same time you are able to express your needs and wants.
4.) When people ask you about yourself, you tell them.
This also means that when someone asks you “how are you?” you are able to say something other than “fine.”Fine many times is a blanket statement.Think of the word fine this way—Feelings Inside Not Expressed.
Next time someone asks, try being honest. You don’t have to dump on them, but you can be honest. If life has been difficult, say things haven’t been easy lately.
5.) Be honest & direct in a calm, relaxed manner – Speak the Truth in Love
Not sharing the good news maybe robbing someone of an opportunity to be happy (and happy for you.)
We’ve just talked about when things aren’t okay and how we tend to not let people know that.On the other hand, sometimes we don’t let people know it when things are going well.
Is there some sort of excitement you’re not sharing with others?If so, you could lift someone’s mood.Not sharing your good news may be robbing others of an opportunity to be happy (and happy for you.)
One of the biggest obstacles to being genuine is a fear of conflict. Some people are passive and generally are people-pleasers.Yet others are aggressive, and believe that they are telling their truth when in fact that are doing it in unhelpful manner.
The Bible asserts that we should “speak the truth in love,” meaning that we do not avoid being truthful (passive), BUT that when we do confront someone that we do it with love (assertive).
Assertiveness Versus Aggressiveness
Please do not confuse assertive with aggressive.Assertiveness is done with regard to everyone having value.Aggressiveness says, “I’m going to speak my truth how ever I can and no matter how it hurts others.” Speaking truth without love is judgmental.
An example would be a husband and wife are riding home.The husband is driving but his driving makes his wife nervous.She could say, “Are you trying to get us killed?!?” Which would be aggressive and probably create a fight.
OR she could say, “I appreciate that you’re driving tonight. Could you slow down some?It’s making me nervous. I appreciate that you’re driving, you do have better night vision.”In the second example, compliments are being used to soften the criticism.
What the Bible Says…
In Ephesians 4: 22-24 Paul says, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
Here we have Paul telling us to be the people God created us to be, our genuine selves! He wants to be who He made us to be and for our character and actions to match this persona.
A person who does this appears consistent. They are a person of their word. When they tell you their opinion or talk about their feelings, you know they are being truthful because they have a history of being consistent.
Paul tells us in Ephesians 4: 25, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” A genuine person promotes the unity of the body of Christ.
This means that they are able to create calmness and peace amongst others with their assertiveness.They are good, healthy communicators who visibly acknowledge the value of others.
Conclusion
We hope that you feel encouraged to be a more genuine person.When more people do, there is less conflict and misunderstandings.
Be sure to checkout our other episodes in this series “A Better New Year’s Resolution”, where we describe more ways to help you to build character!
“A Better New Year’s Resolution” is an 8 part series where therapists Vincent & Laura discuss character traits that help your relationships.
Need more patience in your life? In this fifth part of our series “A Better New Year’s Resolution,” the Relationship Helpers discuss how to become a more patient person.If you have been following this series, you’ve probably noticed that we are not focusing on typical New Years resolutions such as weight loss and diet.
Instead, we are more interested in looking at changes that come from the inside. Be sure to check out our episodes on being more friendly, cheerful, generous and brave if this is your first time joining us.
Many people feel they have a short supply of patience, however life demands patience.The gestation of a baby takes about ten months.Getting an education takes many years. Great things usually require time, effort, persistence and patience.
Our culture has bypassed the need for these traits in many ways. With the advent of same-day deliveries and grocery-pickups, we don’t even have to shop in the traditional sense anymore.
Standoffish at the Supermarket
Laura shares a recent in-store grocery shopping experience. She admits that she was in no rush and realizes that others were. She completed her shopping and went to the first checkout aisle. She was not the first person in line.
It became very obvious to her that the young cashier working the line was new to his job. He was being very cautious and careful, and was having some difficulty with things. She tells us that these kind of things don’t bother her because she tries to put herself in others’ shoes and so she felt for this cashier.She reminds us that WE ALL have been the new person at some point in our lives.
He completes the transaction and it’s Laura’s turn.She has a sizeable cartload of groceries. Laura noticed a lady behind her in line as she’s checking out.The woman is shifting side to side; she’s not handling the situation well. Her body language is communicating her displeasure. She’s even talking to the cashier before she’s even the next customer in line.
Oh No! The Coupon…
As the cashier finishes ringing up Laura’s groceries, Laura produces a coupon for formula.Now these coupons are run like travelers checks and are not like your typical bar code coupons.Laura always dreads giving them to cashiers because she knows that running them is a little more complicated from the many times managers have been called in to complete these transactions in the past. The cashier calls in the manager.
Meanwhile, the customer in line is still stewing. She has to wait as the cashier finishes the transaction, complete with printing out a two-foot sales receipt accompanied by all of the grocery store coupons attached to the print-out. Laura proceeds to fold up the wad of receipt tape to head out on her way and she hears the lady behind her say to the cashier, “Can you just hurry, I’m in a rush.”
This bothered Laura because she realized how the lady was hurting her cause.Her tone of voice, the body language she used, and desire to rush the job was not going to make the cashier work effectively. Her behavior was not going to get her through the line any faster because he was learning.
Haste Makes Waste…
When you try to speed up someone like that, they are more likely to make more mistakes. If you are patient with people, it can really go far. People perform better when you approach them with kindness and patience.
In fact in the scenario Laura mentions, this woman may have actually slowed her checkout process even more BECAUSE of the aggressive way she acted. The cashier could have rung something up twice, charged wrong, or missed something, thus slowing her chances of getting out fast even more.
If she had taken a few breaths and considered the young cashier’s situation, she may have gotten out faster.Instead, she emanated pressured, nervous energy.
MORAL OF THE STORY:Next time you’re in a checkout line with an associate in training, or you’re working with children or senior adults, give them time and patience.A little can go far!
How Do I Become More Patient?
1.) Slow Down
Part of being patient is learning how to slow down.As therapists, Vincent and Laura work frequently with people who need to learn this habit. They often give their clients the homework of “SLOWING DOWN”. This means slowing how fast you talk, how fast you walk, slowing your thoughts, etc. It forces you to listen.
Laura feels that if the woman in the checkout line had slowed down to listen and pay attention, she would have realized that the young associate was new to his job.
We become more observational when we are more patient.We’ve talked in other podcast episodes about being present and in the moment.
When you’re patient, you are more present. You notice more things because you are not allowing your busy or nervous behavior to overwhelm your senses.
In James 1:19 we are told to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. When you do as this scripture says, you are being more patient, but you also notice more things.You notice more of what others are saying and doing because you are not trying to formulate what you’re going to say next while the other person is talking.
2.) Expectations
God’s time versus our time are two different ends of the spectrum.One of God’s qualities is His patience.Think about how much grace He gives us. Wow. We’re all just living in grace.
Vincent feels that one of Satan’s tactics is to get us going too fast. Laura mentions how God is timeless and how we as humans measure time.
Almost everything we own has time marked on it somehow. Vincent feels that Satan uses our culture’s sense of busyness to throw us off course.David Jeremiah once mentioned, “B-U-S-Y is being burdened under Satan’s yoke.”
What would happen if we did not put worldly expectations on ourselves, but instead considered doing things on God’s time?
Laura finds that a suffering prayer life can really harm us. She knows this from personal experience. If we don’t put God first, we are acting out of our own will and now His.
Frank Laubach gave this morning prayer: “Lord, what are you doing today that Ican help you with?”If you’re too busy to pray, you don’t give Him the opportunity to work through you. Mr. Laubach’s prayer says two things:
1. God is at work in the world. God doesn’t wait for us to act, but invitesus to join in on what is already going on.
2. There are some things God is doing that we aren’t expected to do. Every disciple has their own assignment.
You will be missing out on God’s blessings when you don’t pray.
3.) Allowing God to work things out in His time
We have a tendency to tell God what to do … “God this is what needs to happen…” We really are sabotaging God’s process.
Ironically, sometimes we pray for things from our own knowledge, when God has even better ideas for us. We just need to listen to Him and study Him to see how He is working for the better in our lives.
Abraham is one of the early examples in the Bible of someone sabotaging God.God had told him that he would be a father of a great nation.
Out of his impatience, Abraham gets another woman pregnant, rather than patiently working through God’s timetable and waiting for his own wife to become pregnant. His wife Sarah, is just as guilty of sabotaging God in this instance because she okayed Abraham impregnating Hagar.
Stanley Arnold
Stanley Arnold said, “Every problem contains within itself the seeds of its own solution.” Mr. Arnold’s profession was consulting with businesses to overcome problems.He developed his motivation early on.
In school Mr. Arnold struggled with the long jump.While the other students were able to jump far and stick their landings, young Stanley would fall backwards.
He was embarrassed about his jumps so he practiced at home. He discovered that he could always stick his landing if he jumped backwards, so he continued to practice jumping backwards.
One day he asked the gym teacher if the students could try a backwards jump.To everyone’s surprise, Stanley could do it better than everyone else! He was the “back jump” champion! His problem contained the solution and because he was patient and studied the problem, he used his strengths to solve the problem.
4.) Taking time to appreciate things – aesthetics, God’s provision, gratitude
Stanley Arnold had a gift and recognized it. In the late 1880s, oil companies made money selling kerosene. Kerosene was used to light lamps. Before electricity, this was one of the main ways to light up a house at night.
The byproduct of kerosene is gasoline. There was tons of gasoline made during kerosene’s heyday. It was viewed as waste. It took patience for the oil companies to discover the uses of gasoline and profit from it. Of course, electricity replaced the need for kerosene, but automobiles needed gasoline.
5.) Allowing others to learn, grow, & figure things out for themselves
Patience of others allows new cashiers to learn their jobs. Good teachers recognize this. They allow students, to a certain degree, to teach themselves rather than forcing it.They facilitate students to teach themselves.
John Wesley – the founder of Methodism.
John Wesley was not the greatest preacher.George Whitfield and Jonathan Edwards were the ones great at preaching sermons. John Wesley, however, had foresight. His strength, which took patience, was building communities based on theology. His teaching method became the foundation of the Methodist Church.
This kind of work means being able to allow others to fail. Great teachers and great parents know this. Giving people the space and the grace to learn how to fail is important.
Look at Thomas Edison and his hundreds of attempts at making the light bulb.He did not give up. Vincent mentions that Edison tried many different things and failed most of the time, but that is not what he is known for. The same is true for Babe Ruth.He was the strike-out king, but was known for his home runs.
6.) Creates calmness & peace
You can be a model of peace in a chaotic world. You can respond and react calmly.You can take the time to listen. You can take the time to see that you do not have a forced, rushed answer or reaction.
You do not have to be a reactive person. A fast food drive through mentality has influenced our culture in the way that we think, but we do not have to let it.
Benjamin Franklin
Vincent describes the Constitutional Conventions and how Benjamin Franklin would attend. He did not talk much at them. When he did talk, people took note.
At the time, he was considered a star. His presence made an impression on people. He was the embodiment of hope. He was the American dream.He was the prime example of what a successful self-made man looked like.During that time most successful men were aristocrats.Franklin did not have that sort of privileged upbringing.
Franklin was in his eighties at this point, and did not need to bother himself with anything, yet his presence at the Constitutional Conventions was extremely helpful.He had a calming effect on the fiery atmosphere of the discussions surrounding the establishment of our fledgling country.
George Washington was also in attendance.He was another calming influence during the volatile meetings.Prior to the Constitutional Conventions, George Washington made a calm, but encouraging statement when he appeared during the discussions of whether the colonies should rebel by wearing his ornamental soldier’s uniform. He knew how to send a message without even saying anything at all.
Benjamin Franklin said, “He that can have patience can have what he will.”This was so for George Washington as he played a figurative role in the assertion for our independence, and eventually became its commander in chief through his calm, steady influence.
Other Quotes About Patience
A Dutch proverb states, “A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.”The vast majority of the attendees of the Constitutional Convention were college educated. George Washington was not. His patience and his presence, however, were imperative to the outcome of the rebellion of the colonies and the establishment of our country.
The Count de Buffon said, “Never think that God’s delays are God’s denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.” For the most part, the American Revolutionary War was won not through battles, but through strategic retreats. The survival of the colonies was built on the patience of George Washington’s shoulders.
Proverbs 25:15 says, “With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone.” In light of our discussion of the birth of our country, this makes sense.
Romans 8: 25 says, “But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”God is present, we just need to recognize what He has done.
Conclusion
We hope today’s episode has encouraged you to slow down, to listen, to adjust your expectations, to consider God’s timetable over your own, to put God’s will first, to allow God to work through you, to lead through being an influence, and to be an example of calmness and peace.
Relationship Helpers is all about helping people improve their relationships.Our definition of relationship is broad. It covers family, friends, co-workers—the people we interact with. Because of this, our “A Better New Year’s Resolution” series is about improving how we relate to people, rather than the tired, old New Years weight loss plan.
This is an eight-part series geared towards improving our inner qualities; the things that make us who we are as people.The quality of our lives tend to improve when we improve our relationships. Today’s episode on generosity is the fifth in our series, so be sure to check out our other episodes on “A Better New Year’s Resolution.”
Giving of Yourself
We have a tendency to think of generosity in financial terms, but it is not necessarily just about giving money.You can be generous with the time you give others.
Being “present” with others is a gift.Just think how distracted and scattered our culture has become. It has become increasingly difficult to “be in the moment” with someone without them being on their smartphone or being distracted because they are multi-tasking.
To boot, many people feel lonely and could benefit from some one-on-one time with a friend. If you are making yourself available to another person, it is an act of giving.
What the Bible Says…
For Christians the better way to give is to be filled by the Holy Spirit and then let God’s love flow through you.This means you are the person “bringing Jesus into the room.”
Paul says in Galatians 2: 20, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life that I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” You’re not only giving of yourself, but God is working through you. Your energy is not just coming from yourself, but from the source that is God.
Many people feel depleted, like they don’t have anything left to give. Vincent asks, “Are you allowing God to work through you? Are you being nourished by the Bread of Life?”
In Luke 11:3, Jesus prays “give us each day our daily bread,” and then in John 6:35 he says “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.”
Getting Your Energy From Jesus
In essence, Jesus is asking you to get your spiritual energy from Him each day. Jesus’ spirit is “a deposit”that has been placed within us, as 2 Corinthians describes it.
Paul says in Ephesians 4: 22-24, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” A great first start in following His lead is reading a daily devotional.
Not Holding Onto Bitterness & Resentment
You are not able to fully give of yourself if you hold bitterness and resentment in your heart. If we have hardened hearts, we are not able to empathize for others. For many of us this means working on forgiveness.
As therapists, we see how people get “stuck” often in denial and are unable to see how unforgiveness has created a wall that prevents them from being fully generous or empathetic. Or they may be “stuck” in not seeing how the anger that they hold towards someone is holding them back from good relationship.
Laura finds anger to be the emotion that most clients deny. So many people do not admit to anger or are afraid of it. This could be a cultural phenomenon.
Laura feels that many times men are allowed to be angry, but women aren’t. It is more culturally acceptable for men to be angry than women. It is a false belief. Many Christians fall into this fallacy too because they forget half of the verse that says “do not sin in your anger.”It DOES NOT say “do not get angry.”
When people deny anger, bitterness and resentment build. This often plays out as passive-aggressive behavior, stonewalling or as negative body language. Being passive-aggressive really is lying to other people.It is not being direct and honest.
Sacrificing Something That You Enjoy, Your Resources, Your Time, Your Knowledge
Being generous is a sacrifice. You could be selfishly using your resources for you and you only, but being generous means that you channel your resources towards others.
Consider being generous of your knowledge. Do you have an area of expertise? Someone may need to hear the wisdom you have to offer.By holding back, you are not being generous with the gift you have.
Amy Carmichael, missionary
Amy Carmichael was a missionary to India for 55 years without furlough, during the late 1800s. She left Ireland in her mid-twenties to live there where she rescued children who had become temple prostitutes.
Many of these children were orphans or they were from poor families who sold them into prostitution. The priests of these temples made money off of these children. This broke her heart.
Ms. Carmichael was unorthodox in that she did not return to Ireland to ask for money to help her cause. Instead, she believed God would provide.
She eventually became crippled, but was able to establish an orphanage that supported these children.Amy Carmichael said, ”It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire that He creates.” This is especially inspiring because she was a woman in the 1800s living in a country that opposed Christianity.
C.S. Lewis said…
C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” It’s not about having a pitiful attitude or a poor sense of self-worth. It’s knowing that you’re a conduit of Christ and living like it.
You can’t say you are worthless when you’re a child of God. You’re thinking less of your needs and wants and thinking more others’ needs.
Realizing How Much God Has Given You And That He Is The Rightful Owner
We need to live in constant awareness that what we are given is not the result of our own merit.God gifts us what we have. Material possessions are fleeting and do not have eternal value.
There is a Chinese proverb that says, “The wise man does not lay up treasure. The more he gives the more he has.” Jesus told us not to focus on the world, but to lay up our treasures in heaven. In Acts 20: 35, Jesus tells us, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
Conclusion
These are great reminders to not be self-focused, but instead to let our generosity flow. We hope today that you feel encouraged to be more “present” with others, more generous with your wisdom, giving of your time, and more available to others.
You may have even identified some areas of resentment or bitterness that have been holding you back, as well. We also hope that you feel encouraged to use the gifts God has given you to help others.
As therapists, Vincent and Laura (the Relationship Helpers) are in the unique position of working with people when they need to be brave and face difficult situations.
“A Better New Year’s Resolution”
Today, the Relationship Helpers tackle becoming more brave in their series “A Better New Years Resolution.”Rather than focusing on fleeting external qualities such as weight loss and diet, we are looking at internal qualities such as gentleness, friendliness, cheerfulness and this week:bravery.
It’s Brave to Darken the Door of a Stranger’s Office
We see it often, someone comes to us in crisis, and they have been brave enough to face it.They have swallowed whatever pride or fear they have just enough to talk to a stranger and open up. When a client does this, it does not go unnoticed by us—it’s a big deal!People are sharing the deepest, darkest parts of their hearts and souls with us.
We Need to Talk
When you have a friend, family member or spouse who reaches out to you and gives you a glimpse of something hidden deep down in their soul, this is your opportunity to thank them for sharing with you. Acknowledge their bravery for sharing. Having difficult conversations is courageous.Talking about your struggle, no matter the amount of anxiety or fear that surrounds it, is courageous.
Being brave does not mean that you talk without crying or that your voice doesn’t shake.Being brave is talking anyway, no matter how your voice shakes. Being brave is confronting these fears with tears in your eyes, if that’s what it takes. Brave people cry. They step out into the unknown. They are vulnerable and don’t know what will happen but they do it nonetheless.
In our episode with Jill Martin, she talks about not being afraid to talk about the elephant in the room. Be sure to check out that episode to hear about her approach, as she is definitely someone who welcomes the challenges of the elephant in the room!
Bravery sometimes means confronting someone and addressing grievances. Laura describes her job as a bit of a “conflict planner.”We work on how you “do” conflict: body language, timing, word choice, how you say it, and being able to gauge the emotional temperature in the room.
Preparing Yourself to Be Brave
When your body and mind are screaming to avoid conflict, it requires preparation to follow through with an act of bravery. Praying about the situation will open you to listen to the Lord’s leading. Searching scripture will give you a biblical foundation for your situation and help you to see if what you’re about to do aligns with scripture.
Reading Scripture is a helpful way to learn healthy communication skills.
An example may be someone who finds that they are talking to other people about a problem when they have not talked directly to the person that is involved with the problem.We are told in Matthew 18:15, to speak directly to the person involved FIRST, then to go to other witnesses if the person does not listen. Learning scripture is helpful in giving us guidelines such as these in how to handle conflict.
Talking to a counselor or pastor can help you gauge what is appropriate.Writing down a plan of what you are going to say can be particularly helpful in situations where there is a lot of emotion and difficult feelings involved. There is no shame in “going with a script.”
In fact, having something written and prepared helps to keep the conversation on track. It really is more brave to read off of a script than to approach the situation strictly out of emotion. The logical brain is thrown out the window when we speak purely out of emotion, and we become very reactive.
In Paul’s letter to Galatians, he is addressing Peter’s hypocrisies. Paul shows us the benefit of writing a plan to handle conflict, so to speak.
Following God’s Will & Not Your Own
This means taking the time to pray to God; not just “talking at” Him but listening to Him. It may mean writing out your prayer and then taking the time to listen. Ask Him “What’s a healthy way to handle it?What would be appropriate?”
Stepping Outside of Comfort Zone
“Great things never happen inside of comfort zones.” Comfort zones are so fear-based, so limiting. Comfort zones limit God.
Stepping out of your comfort zone takes a lot of faith and courage.
Vincent describes how in Daniel we seeShadrach, Meschach and Abednego, three Israelites in exile and how they refuse to bow down to King Nebuchadnezzer.In the 1930s and 40s, this biblical story was well known in England. Winston Churchill, sent out one short message in morse code to the troops preparing to storm the beaches of Normandy, he said “And if not…”
These are the words the Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego used when they told the king that they would not bow down to him and that they would continue to worship God, regardless of whether God chooses to deliver them from the fiery furnace. They are saying that they are determined to do this nevertheless, regardless of the outcome, this is my duty.
Take these words to heart, let them bolster your courage as you prepare to confront. Let what you’ve read from the Bible, different historical figures, and others who have faced what seem to be insurmountable odds encourage you. Be a student of how they have faced fears with bravery.
As we learn from the story of the three guys thrown in the fiery furnace, the men were walking about in the furnace, unscathed. Upon viewing the men in the furnace, another man was seen in there with them.
The three are pulled from the fiery furnace and the king proceeds to praise God. This is six hundred years before the birth of Christ. Vincent likes to think it may have been Jesus with the men in the fire.What an image that creates! He is right there with you during your trials, too.
Quotes to Remember
“There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.”-John Wainwright
Mark Twain
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.”– Mark Twain
“Last, but by no means least, courage – moral courage, the courage of one’s convictions, the courage to see things through. The world is in a constant conspiracy against the brave. It’s the age-old struggle – the roar of the crowd on one side and the voice of your conscience on the other.”-General Douglas MacArthur
“Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”Matthew 5:10
Conclusion
We hope that you have felt encouraged by today’s episode to face challenges even if your voice shakes, even if you cry.
We will continue with our series “A Better New Year’s Resolution” for the next four weeks. Be sure to check with us next time to learn about being more generous.
