099 Marriage: What Your Sex Life Says About Your Marriage - Part #2

What Your Sex Life Says About Your Marriage – Part #2


We hope you are enjoying our two-part series on married sex.  Last week we took a look at types of love, intimacy and sex.  This week we look at how being a selfish lover may actually HELP your marriage!  Before you shake your head and say we’ve lost our minds, read/listen on!

Healthy Balance of Selfishness and Unselfishness

Do you like for your partner to climax when you’re having sex?  If so, a certain degree of “selfishness” on their part has to happen!  What?!?

Healthy sex involves a balance of unselfness and selfishness.

Let us explain. The Bible says to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31) and “husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28) You are actually loving your spouse by knowing and getting yourself to the point of orgasm during sex. 

Let’s look at it a different way: if you are ALL about pleasing your partner while denying yourself the chance to orgasm, you are not going to please them.  Your partner wants you to have an orgasm—that’s part of the beautiful process of sex.  If you continually deny yourself orgasm, you are denying your partner the chance to be a part of YOUR orgasm. 

In “A Celebration of Sex,”  Dr. Doug Rosenau calls this “righteous selfishness.”  It’s a kind of paradox.  In order to ultimately fulfill your spouse’s utmost sexual desires, you have to seek out some responsibility for your orgasm while you are having sex with your partner. 

To put it another way:  healthy selfishness is having an orgasm.  Unhealthy selfishness is being unwilling to empathize with the other person’s needs and desires. Healthy unselfishness is pleasuring your spouse.  Unhealthy unselfishness is playing the sexual martyr or being passive-aggressive. 

According to Dr. Doug Rosenau in his book “A Celebration of Sex”, a healthy self-concept is important. Having a positive view of yourself and your partner enhances sex. 

That means ladies, your man may want to be with you more when you stop asking “does my butt look big in these jeans?”  It’s self-defeating.  He sees you as beautiful and wants to be with you.   

6 Character Traits of a Fantastic Lover

What makes married sex great?

Couples need to play at their sex life.

1. Playfulness – includes excitement, curiosity, eagerness, & spontaneity “You cannot work at creating better lovemaking – you and your mate have to play at it.” Doug Roseneau

2. Love – you must love yourself and love your mate. Accept yourself and your mate – strengths of your appearance as well as “flaws”.

3. Knowledge – become a student of your mate and yourself. Technical knowledge of sexuality.

4. Honesty – “dishonesty destroys trust, allows boredom, and creates confusion & hostility.” Doug Roseneau

Examples: 1. Husband who lacks sexual skills but can’t admit to himself – says to himself “She says sex isn’t very fun, but she reaches a climax most of the time.” 2. Wife who plays manipulative sexual games – she says to herself “If he forgets our anniversary again, he won’t get sex for a month.”

Creative romance enhances the affection in a relationship.

5. Creative Romance – surprise gifts, foot & leg massages, verbal demonstrativeness, mutual showers, dinners with candlelight, soft glances

6. Discipline – keep a time sacredly reserved for sex

-Go to bed at the same time

-Teach children to respect a locked door

-Agree to schedule lovemaking so many times per week

Out of the sex, I mean “six” character traits, knowledge is key.  Taking  (Insert Your Spouse’s Name Here) 101, will go far in your relationship. 

Study your spouse.  Creative romance may not mean gifts or candlelight.  Because you know your spouse, you may know that hiking the Appalachian Trail would be a greater turn on.  Because you know your spouse you may seek spontaneous sex instead of scheduled sex because she likes surprises, or vice versa. Knowledge is key.  

Resource:  A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Doug Roseneau

Published by

Vincent & Laura Ketchie

Vincent Ketchie, LPC and Laura Ketchie, LPC are the hosts of Relationship Helpers, a podcast where they discuss family issues and interview relationship experts. Vincent and Laura are licensed marriage counselors.

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