Are you chronically negative? Learn 4 tips to overcome being a complainer & improve your relationships in the process!

041 Personal Growth: How To Avoid Being A Victim


Have you ever felt like you’ve been in a situation where there is no good way out?  A lose-lose situation?  You may be dealing with one right now. 

Trekkies, fondly known as Star Trek fans, should be familiar with the Kobyashi Maru.  Flight command cadets for the Starfleet were tested using the Kobyashi Maru simulator. 

The cadets were placed in a simulated situation where the civilian ship the Kobyashi Maru,  is stranded in Klingon (enemy) territory.  Flying into that territory to save the ship would mean certain destruction of the cadet’s ship and create interstellar war. Leaving the civilian ship would mean certain death for the crew of the Kobyashi Maru. If the cadet chooses to rescue the Kobyashi Maru, the simulation is designed to destroy the cadet’s ship. 

This is a no-win situation. The purpose of the Kobyashi Maru simulator was not to measure the command skills of the cadets. Instead, it was used to test their character when faced with the challenge of seemingly insurmountable circumstances.   In essence, the Kobyashi Maru was a character test. 

What’s your Kobyashi Maru?  It may be that situation between you and a friend where you “agree to disagree”, or that point of contention between you and your spouse, or your involvement in a floundering adult child’s life. 

Either way you turn, you feel trapped and at a loss.

4 Tips to avoid being the victim:

1.)  Understand that not making a choice, is a choice.

Being passive in the midst of a challenge means that you are not actively seeking a solution to your problem and is self-destructive. 

2.) Stop complaining and start doing.

Complaining is wasted energy and it does not solve the problem at hand.  All it manages to do is further cement victim mentality and turn off those around you.  

Use the energy you would have used to vent and make a plan of attack for your problem. (Having trouble with creating a plan?  Read “Boundaries” by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.)

3.)  Recognize how you have projected blame onto others. 

While complaining is a fruitless effort, an even more damaging rut to be stuck in is blaming others instead of looking at how you have contributed to grow the issue at hand.  You will continue to struggle with relationship issues if others feel blamed when they are around you.

4.)  Accept responsibility for your choices and decisions.

Notice when you want to blame someone, and instead of pointing your finger towards them, look at what you have done.  This may mean apologizing to someone for how you have hurt them. 

It is an amazingly freeing experience to release yourself from the negativity that comes from holding blame towards others. Another perk is that your relationships will improve in the process as people feel safer around you!

How To Avoid Being A Victim. Have others complained that you are chronically negative? Learn 4 tips to overcome being a complainer & improve your relationships in the process!

Published by

Vincent & Laura Ketchie

Vincent Ketchie, LPC and Laura Ketchie, LPC are the hosts of Relationship Helpers, a podcast where they discuss family issues and interview relationship experts. Vincent and Laura are licensed marriage counselors.

4 thoughts on “041 Personal Growth: How To Avoid Being A Victim”

  1. Phew…this was a tough/awesome to read. I’m currently trying my hardest to get out of victim mode. The steps you wrote about work (I’ve tried them!). Now…to STAY out of victim mode—that’s my goal. (Wish me luck!)

  2. Thanks for sharing this. I am going to begin accepting responsibilities for decisions and things that happen in my life.

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