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SHOW NOTES:

Thank you for listening to today’s episode, “How To Support a Spouse With Anger Issues.”  It is the sixth part in an eight part series on “How To Support a Spouse…” where the Relationship Helpers discuss how to help your spouse as they struggle with different mental health and/or relationship issues.

Anger issues are a common problem that Vincent and Laura work with, as therapists. Are these words common in your interactions with your spouse?  “You never!”  “You always!” “You…you…you!” Do you play the blame game?  

We’re going to look at how to prevent escalation of arguments and how to stop seeing the other person as the problem. There is no marriage where only one person has an anger issue. If one person is aggressive, then the other person has an anger issue because they probably do not know how to deal with their spouse’s aggression.  

Disclaimer:  We are not suggesting that physical or emotional abuse is to be tolerated or that someone deserves it.  We are only saying that anger issues are a SHARED issue whether you have the problem being an aggressor or you have to cope with an aggressive spouse. 

Bear in mind that there are other subtle shades of anger that we have to consider, such as how a passive or passive-aggressive person manages their anger. The couple that “does not fight” or “never has conflict” can very well have anger issues as well because they bury their anger.

All of this and more in today’s episode!

1. Recognize how you respond to their anger/your anger style

How Are Your Responding To Your Spouse’s Anger? Consider these questions to get a better understanding of how you handle anger:  

Do you become aggressive? Do you push their buttons? Do you become sarcastic?  Do you hit them where it hurts with your words?  

Do you walk away from the situation? Do you become passive?  Do you go out to the shop or go shopping?  Do you escape or avoid conflict?  

Do you talk to someone else about the problem?  Do you get others involved? (This  gives your spouse more reason to become angry.)

Anger Styles:

Aggressive: 

This person is demonstrative with their anger.  They may shout, stand tall, intimidate. They say what they want, need or feel, but in the process they are putting the other person down, or dismissing the other person.

They often blame others for their problems. Someone who is aggressive may not always be loud; they may just be bossy, “talk over” people or talk fast. 

Passive:  

This person does not say what they need, want or feel.  They do not let you know if they disagree with you.  Many people who are passive apologize often. Passive people often believe that they are to blame. Usually a passive person struggles with a sense of low self-worth. 

Passive-Aggressive: 

Be aware that this can be a very subtle display of anger.  Many times the person with passive-aggressive behavior justify their behavior. This person may not meet the expectations of others using “deniable” means. They have a lot of excuses. 

A few examples of passive-aggressive behavior you may have not thought about:  If someone makes you angry, you deny it when they ask, but you talk to someone else about it behind their back, which is gossip. 

Complaining is about things is another form of passive-aggressive behavior. Being a “yes man” to everything, but not being able to get the work done that you agree to do is passive-aggressive. 

A passive-aggressive person may seem very responsible by agreeing to help, but then you find that their help is not terribly reliable because they are over-committed and end up cutting corners and give excuses. (Not showing up on time and not following through with what you say you will do is classic passive- aggressive behavior.)

Assertiveness:

The gold standard for anger styles is assertiveness (not to be confused with aggressiveness!) Passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive behaviors are natural responses to situations that induce anxiety.  It’s more difficult to be assertive because fight-or-flight mode kicks in when we are anxious.  When this happens we fight (aggressive) or flee (passive).

Assertiveness requires intentionality. Being assertive means saying what you need, want or feel in a relaxed, calm manner. You realize others may not agree with you, but you don’t let that influence your behavior negatively. 

2. Address your spouse’s anger issues at the appropriate time

As marriage counselors, we have to create an atmosphere conducive towards productive conflict. This means as therapists we have to stay calm and also set a mood or atmosphere in the counseling room.  This is much like what a spouse must do when they are preparing to confront their spouse. 

This is not addressing problems in the heat of the moment, but at a calculated time. They may be more willing to listen to what you have to say if you approach them when they have calmed down and are more comfortable. 

Vincent finds that couples respond positively to conflict in therapy sessions because the therapist is able to create a calm environment, which is usually missing at home during arguments. He has had couples say that they have brought fights to session that have happened many times at home, but have been able to remedy it during session because they were finally “heard” by their spouse.  

Establishing a location that is “safe” for conflict is important.  Bringing up a contentious issue while with family or around others only serves to escalate the problem. Create a place in your home, in your yard, etc. that is neutral ground for you two to air your grievances. 

It’s also important to establish the places that are off-limits.  Don’t choose to stir conflict while in bed. Find a place where important conversations need to take place. 

Slowing down is a very important part of the process. Study your spouse.  Are they calm?  Are they in transition (just getting home from work, doing the most important task of the day, etc.?). Do they have time set aside or are they headed somewhere? 

It’s important to consider these before approaching them over a problem.

3. Talk with them assertively about it

A gentle touch (when physical abuse is not an issue), like placing a hand on your spouse’s leg, may be a way to connect with them before you start talking about the difficult subject matter. 

Reflective listening will be key to successfully discussing the problem at hand.  If you summarize what your spouse is saying and they feel heard, they will respond more positively.  If you are unable to SHOW THEM how they feel, they will feel more angry and distant from you.  

Reflective listening offers the opportunity for you actually hear the other person and for them to feel heard. They will correct you if you summarize wrong and in the process you will gain better understanding of how they feel. Your openness to being wrong or misunderstanding will also help them feel less separated from you. 

This type of listening conveys empathy.  That means that you are showing the other person that you are putting yourself in their shoes and trying to imagine what their experience may be like.

4. Set Boundaries

If you would like a healthy marriage and your spouse is aggressive or passive-aggressive, you will need to address their anger issue and create boundaries. It may sound like something like this, “If you start cursing me or putting me down (on the phone) I’m going to hang up.” If it’s face-to-face you can say, “I’m going to walk away.”

This choice of words is important.  Rather than just hanging up or just walking away, you have communicated clearly what you expect and what you are going to do. You are being direct and assertive.  It leaves much less room for misunderstanding.  Walking away or hanging up without communicating why you are doing it can be a passive-aggressive act in itself. 

These type of boundaries are best established when things are calm between the two of you.  You can initiate the conversation by saying, “I would like and I know you would like for us to have a good, healthy relationship. I want to be able to be vulnerable with you.”

Ideally you should begin this type of discussion at the lowest indication of anger to prevent escalation. 

We highly recommend reading the Boundaries books by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend to get a better grasp of what boundaries you may need and what you need to do to establish them. You may find their book “Boundaries in Marriage” particularly helpful!

Be aware that setting a boundary is not a one time event.  You discuss the boundary you are establishing, you put it into place, and you enforce it. In other words, having boundaries is an on-going activity. You don’t just say a boundary and then leave the topic alone and not do anything about it afterwards. 

5. Hard Boundaries

When abuse is happening, be it physical or verbal, special boundaries must be in place.

Be aware that when someone punches the wall, throws things, damages property, THAT IS PHYSICAL ABUSE.  Many people are confused about what defines physical abuse.  When an aggressor punches the wall or breaks something that is a physical threat. 

If you are being threatened, it is very important to have an exit plan to protect your safety. Ideally this should not be done alone. Getting input support of others will help you succeed in leaving the relationship more safely. 

Others will be able to help you figure out the logistics of getting you and your kids safely removed from the situation and what to do next. The police department can direct you towards domestic violence groups in your area. They can tell you about the local shelters and resources available to you.  

A therapist can also help in planning an exit strategy along with providing you with resources for your next steps in leaving the abusive relationship. Your therapist can also help you determine your strongest and healthiest supporters, which is important because leaving an abusive relationship can be tricky and you need people who will have healthy boundaries themselves to help you get out to lessen your danger. Some friends and family may not be the best support for you, and a therapist can help you see that. 

Being connected with your church, pastor, bible studies, Celebrate Recovery groups, all of these suggestions can provide you the opportunity to be connected to people who may be able to support you through this time. 

Be sure to listen to our episode where we interview Holly Ashley, a domestic violence survivor and survivor advocate.  She provides helpful encouragement and tips for those struggling in abusive relationships.

6. Seek Individual and Couples Counseling

Through therapy, you can learn at greater depths about you and your spouse’s anger styles. Couples counseling can be helpful when the aggression has not escalated to the point of physical abuse. If both parties are willing to work on the relationship, there is greater hope.  Going to a therapist who gives homework between sessions will provide the couple with tools to improve their communication. 

Individual counseling my be indicated when there is physical abuse or one spouse is unwilling to go to therapy and work on the issues at hand. Be sure to check out our episodes on how to support a spouse who comes from a toxic family or our episode on how to support an alcoholic spouse if these issues contribute to your spouse’s anger issues.

We hope you’ve found today’s episode informative. Anger is often tied to other issues such as trauma, anxiety, or substance abuse.  Visit our search bar on our website to find episodes on these topics. 

SHOW NOTES:

Welcome to Relationship Helpers! This week therapists Vincent and Laura are discussing nine things you can do to support your spouse who is suffering from depression.  

If this is your first time listening or haven’t heard us speak on depression before, be sure to check out our other episodes on depression (How Discouragement Leads to Depression & Depression and the Whole Person. And episodes 54 through 63 where we discussion 101 different activities that you can do to help improve your mood.)

Today’s episode marks the fifth episode in an eight part series on “How To Support A Spouse…” Each week we are addressing the problems mental health issues can bring to marriage and ways to cope through recovery. Learn how to help your spouse who is struggling with depression by reading further.

Help Them Become Aware Of It

Many people are not attuned to their depression—they may not even realize they have it. You may play a role in helping them combat denial. This must be done delicately. 

Gentle observations that start with “I’ve noticed that (when it’s time to go to work you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning)” are much more effective than “You always sleep too late!” Or “You sleep all the time!” 

Another example would be “I’ve noticed that you really enjoyed your exercise class in the past, but lately you’ve not been going and you seem sad.”  This is a nice segue into showing your spouse they are no longer doing an activity that they once enjoyed, which is a sign of depression. 

Reframe What They Say In A Positive Way

People who struggle with depression have a tendency to speak negatively as though much of what they say goes through a negative filter. Your job as the supportive spouse is to challenge their unhelpful thinking habits. 

Catastrophizing is a common unhelpful thinking habit.  This is thinking that the worst possible scenario is going to happen. If you hear your spouse catastrophize, you can ask them “What’s the likelihood that the worst thing is going to happen?”

If your spouse just got a ding in their car, rather than fixating on the new flaw, you can say, “Your car has more character.”  That would be a “re-frame” of the situation—taking a bad situation and making it less severe.

Vincent gives the example of a positive reframe through the situation of a person staining a shirt and how that person could be upset about it, but that the supportive spouse could compliment them on how creative they were with mixing and matching to make a new outfit out of another top. 

Someone who is depressed is his or her own worst critic.  Let them know that friends and loved ones would not think these negative things about them so why should they. This is a CAREFUL conversation though, as self-awareness about depression without the ability to cope is unhelpful. 

The person suffering depression is already beating themselves up, they don’t need someone adding to it.  They need someone supportive enough to say “Hey, okay, we see that you’re thinking a negative thought, but just because you’re having a negative thought you don’t have to judge yourself as bad.”

In other words, recognize negative thoughts non-judgmentally.  Someone can have a negative thought and let it pass for other thoughts to come through, much like cars on a train passing by.  One does not stay stuck on the tracks, others take its place. It’s shifting the mind by saying “Okay, I had a negative thought, moving on.”  instead of “I had a negative thought, I’m a bad person, something bad is going to happen.” 

Engage Them In Conversation

Find opportunities to initiate conversation with your spouse.  Schedule meals when you can eat together.

Don’t fall into the trap our busy culture has created. Don’t make a plate and go do your own thing behind a tv or closed doors, sit down together at the dinner table and talk.

Our busy culture has made it more difficult to be intimate and relational. Put away your phones. It’s very isolating. We have to be intentional about how we spend our time. 

Pray Together

Many couples struggle with praying together, but it is a very beneficial weapon against depression. Being prayerful means putting yourself in a vulnerable position. 

This is particularly difficult with couples who struggle with resentment towards one another. Prayer forces you to lower walls and defenses. It refocuses you upon God instead of yourself. 

Prayer also shifts our focus onto what we are grateful for.  People who struggle with depression have difficulty maintaining focus on the positives so making a habit out of praying together is practicing gratitude and positive thinking. 

Self-Care

Be sure not to isolate yourself just because your spouse has. You run the risk of isolation and depression yourself if you stay at home and entertain their way of thinking.

Just because your spouse does not want to participate at some family function or go to some activity does not mean you shouldn’t. You need to be getting out and have social interaction to take care of yourself.

(Disclaimer: This does not mean you should avoid your spouse. When you care for yourself it fuels you to be a more supportive spouse.) 

Encourage Them To Seek Help

Not only would it be helpful for your depressed spouse to seek therapy, it may be helpful for you to seek help, as well.  A therapist can help you see how you may be contributing to the situation.  The therapist can give you direction into how you can be supportive as well as teach you how not to enable certain negative behaviors of your spouse.

Also, if you seek therapy yourself, it may encourage your spouse to do so as well.  You can even make it a part of initiating conversation by saying, “I’ve noticed that when I go to therapy I’ve been able to learn so much and feel so much better. It’s been a positive thing.”

Your spouse may benefit from talking to a counselor, support group or pastor.  A bible study or club may be a great social outlet for them to interact with others as well as give them an opportunity to talk to someone other than their spouse. Some churches have Stephens Ministers who are laypeople specially trained to support people who need someone to talk to. 

Oftentimes when a spouse struggles with depression, their marriage suffers because a toxic, parasitic relationship develops where the depressed spouse requires too much of their spouse.  Having other social outlets and therapy can help to create balance in your relationship. 

Plan Some Fun Things To Do

Have you done anything fun?  Have you avoided it? Have you intentionally pursued fun or have you put too much on your plate? 

As marriage counselors we like to get our client’s relationship history.  What do couples normally do at the beginning of their relationship? They have fun. 

Reminiscing about the fun you had early in your relationship could be a great opportunity to inspire you to do some of those things again.  Many times couples become complacent. They don’t do the things they used to enjoy.  Remembering these activities and doing them anew could be a great mood-lifter and marriage-enhancer. 

Encouraging Them To Be More Socially Engaged

This must be done with care.  If your spouse has completely withdrawn, it would probably be most helpful to approach social activities in baby steps.  This could mean instead of not going to a function, committing to fifteen minutes of it to see what it is like.

It may be something as simple as having coffee at a coffee shop or walking around a store. A trip to the park may be a small step towards getting out more. Visiting friends may be a larger step. 

Volunteer work is an excellent opportunity to be social but also can help someone feel like they are contributing to a greater cause, making them feel purpose.  

Help Them To Learn Healthy Coping Skills

When people have depression they often feel stuck. Sometimes it’s hard for them to get creative with ways to improve their moods. In our series “101 Ways to Cope With Anxiety & Depression” you’ll find tons of low to no-cost activities that are healthy and mood-boosting. We’ve included a free PDF (link here) of this list to inspire you.

Coping skills are different for different people, depending on their likes and dislikes and skillsets. Our purpose in creating a list of 101 activities was to prove that there is always SOMETHING that you can do.  You can’t say ‘no’ to all 101 activities. That is encouraging! 

Other helpful coping skills that you can encourage your spouse to partake in include spiritual disciplines such as gratitude journaling. This is a great way to praise God for what you do have and to shift your focus from the negative to the positive.

An added bonus is that if you date when things occur in your gratitude journal, you can look back in your journal and remember these great times.  It can be a mood-shifter. Vincent mentions that through his own prayer journaling, he has been able to see how faithful God has been. He has found it to be very encouraging.

Another great spiritual activity is praising God through song. If the music you are listening to is bringing you down, it may not be in your best interests to continue listening to it. Instead, singing praise songs is a way to shift a negative mindset to a positive one. 

We see through the spiritual discipline of bible study how people such as Paul praised God through imprisonment, as well as people like Job who suffered through loss and infirmity, weathered trials through faith. These people’s lives are examples of the benefits of actively seeking God through trials. 

Don’t Belittle or Minimize Your Spouse’s Feelings or Symptoms of Depression

We have included many suggestions today, but they very well could fall on deaf ears if they are not presented in a loving, kind way. Many spouses who are trying to encourage their depressed spouse actually do it wrong. They get frustrated and sometimes make the situation worse. 

When your spouse is having a difficult time, don’t immediately go up to them and say, “You need to do this…” or “You need to do that…” Instead, they need you to listen.  They do not need you to “fix it.”

Validate how they feel. Mirror what you are hearing. We call this reflective listening. This helps them feel heard. 

Reflective listening also helps both of you to think deeper about things, otherwise you are left with just a bunch of “yes” or “no” answers without what is underneath it. When you use reflective listening you are also providing an opportunity for your spouse to help correct you if you are “mis-reading” what they are saying. 

Don’t say “I understand,” this comes across as dismissive.  SHOW them you understand. You do this by validating their feelings, by showing empathy. This would be you putting yourself in their shoes. 

Be careful, however, in your use of empathy and reflective listening.  These are great starters, but if you ONLY provide these, you are not working towards a solution; it’s keeping things stuck.

Reflective listening helps as a springboard for conversation and to establish alignment with your spouse, but you will need to move forward towards healing through using the re-framing we talked about earlier, paired with some of the coping skills (ex.:  ways to be more social, volunteer work, or any of a number of the coping skills in our list of 101).

We hope that today’s episode encourages you as you work to improve your marriage and help your spouse through their difficult time with depression.

SHOW NOTES:

Welcome to Relationship Helpers!  You have joined us midway through our eight-part series on “How to Support a Spouse With…”. Each week we have and will continue to take a look at a mental health or relationship issue that challenges marriages and requires supportive spouses.

So far we’ve addressed how to support a spouse with PTSD, anxiety, and toxic in-laws.  This week we will discuss how to support an alcoholic or addicted spouse. 

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries

One of the most difficult things you will have to do as a spouse is to create and follow through with boundaries, but it is paramount in supporting your spouse that struggles with addiction. If you have a tendency to avoid conflict, your marriage will be dysfunctional.

1.) Don’t (Finance) Enable the Addiction

You have to make the decision not to finance the addiction.  This means not giving money to your spouse for random reasons. This also means not going to the store to buy alcohol for them.

Separate your bank accounts. Generally, in marriage, we encourage joint bank accounts, but when there is an active addiction occurring, the boundary of separate accounts will help to cut the finances off that feed the addiction.

Many people fail at creating and following through with boundaries.  They are fearful of the pushback that comes with setting boundaries and sticking with them. You will NEED to face your spouse’s anger, even if you are someone who avoids conflict. 

It’s good to be aware of your communication style, along with your spouse’s.  If you are passive, it will be important to work on expressing yourself and following through with boundaries. You will need to do this in an assertive way—relaxed and confident. You would be telling them in a loving way, not yelling, not insultingly. This should be done in a very intentional way.  

This is not a one-time conversation. Be prepared to have to talk about it more. After you set a boundary, they will continue to try to get around it. An addicted spouse will try to find a way to work your weakness.You will need to set your spirit or your attitude towards not bending. 

Understand that avoiding conflict only pushes it til later and has an exponential effect, making it worse for waiting. Being more firm and direct helps you get much further, than pushing off potential conflict. 

2.) Your Spouse MUST Seek Help

Placing an ultimatum in the situation will help to define boundaries and to help you both stick with a plan.  Requiring that your spouse get help will mean that you will no longer be the only person holding him/her accountable.  They will then be forced to actively work on recovering from their addiction.

If you’re struggling with the idea of communicating an ultimatum, it could be scripted as such:  “I cannot continue to be in an unhealthy environment and abusive environment.” 

It’s important to remember that you are living in an abusive relationship.  Not only is your spouse abusing a substance, he or she is abusing you through neglect.  There is no way for a spouse to have an addiction and to foster a healthy relationship with a loved one. The loved one is being neglected. 

Other forms of abuse are very common in relationships where a spouse is addicted to drugs or alcohol.  Seek help for yourself to remove yourself from these situations. 

Support Groups

Resources for your spouse include:  Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program found in many churches) and A/A (a secular-based 12 step group found in many communities and churches.) The great thing about small groups is that God can use this time for people to speak to their heart and start breaking down their wall of denial.  They are able to see other people’s denial, and hold a mirror up to themselves and see their own denial. Groups are very powerful. 

Be mindful that addictions have a tendency to shift. If someone is trying to overcome drinking, they may stop drinking and take on smoking or over-exercising. Being in a small group can help keep the addict alert to how their behaviors are unhealthy.

Accountability Partners

Many support groups provide the opportunity for its members to have accountability partners. When you have carried the burden of being the only person keeping your spouse accountable for so long it strains your marriage.  Having an outside party to keep your spouse accountable is a healthy choice. 

The accountability partner needs to be the same sex.  That’s what is appropriate. They will be able to call out their b.s.—they will know when they are lying not only to other people, but to themselves.  They know these things because they have done it themselves. 

People who know this mindset are the kind of people that can hold them accountable. They are experts in it.  It really is a mentor-type relationship where someone who is very knowledgeable about addiction behavior is able to support another who is in the earlier stages of recovery. 

Individual Counseling

Support groups offer a wealth of accountability; a counselor is also helpful in providing support.  Although a counselor may see your spouse less often during the week than the group, the counselor will provide a concentrated dose of attention to working on coping skills and will also aid in accountability.

3.) Avoiding Tempting Situations

You will need an understanding of your spouse’s addiction pattern.  Are they weekend warriors?  Does being around family tempt your spouse to drink/use?

Does your spouse drink too much at ball games?  What activities or environments seem to bring out their addiction? 

4.) Conversations About Their Temptations

When you initiate conversation about your spouse’s addiction with them, you are learning about what tempts them, but they are also learning about it too.  This could provide the opportunity for their walls to start coming down and to see past their denial.

Family Gatherings

Be aware that one particular temptation for addicts and alcoholics is family gatherings. 

It may seem cliche, but there is a reason movies will have an alcoholic or addict featured in a family gathering at the holidays.  Holidays and family are very common triggers for the addict. Often there is anxiety surrounding these relationships and for someone whose coping mechanism is to partake in alcohol and/or drugs the environment is ripe for using. Many people struggling with substance abuse issues have a trauma history.  Seeing the uncle who molested you at a Christmas party is obviously a trigger.  

Many addicts struggle with social anxiety.  Gatherings, especially family gatherings, are nerve-wracking, but they feel obligated to go leading to a possible bender. On top of that, what if they come from an alcoholic family?  Are they entering a scene where there will be alcohol?

These scenarios need to be discussed and mitigated prior to the date of the events. This may mean going to “neutral grounds”, such as the park, for get-togethers. This may be a helpful boundary.  Another may be tag-teaming with your spouse, meaning staying near your spouse to avoid temptation. In this particular situation, the spouse has to be the accountability partner, otherwise going to the basement with the guys could become having beers with the guys.

Time Consideration

Another important consideration is time.  Creating a limit as to how long you will be in the environment may help to offset the fear of being there.  Understanding that there is a cut-off time may help to ease the tension and less tempted to drink.

Ask your spouse what seems to be a reasonable amount of time to visit and make an agreement on how long that visit will be. It’s making a plan.  It’s being proactive. This also prevents making false assumptions about how long things will go. 

Sacrifice To Meet Goals

You may have to make sacrifices to accommodate your spouse’s needs.  This means that you may not be able to spend as much time doing the things you want to do in respect of your spouse’s temptations. You may have to sacrifice your own drinking.

You may also have to have some assertive conversations with family about your spouse’s issue.  It may mean telling them that you’d appreciate them not offering alcohol because of your spouse’s addiction. It may mean opening up to other people—telling then that you’d appreciate their support as you work through this difficult time together. 

This may seem daunting when you are communicating this to an alcoholic, but take heart, they could be supportive if you talk to them about it.

5.) Encourage Their Walk With God

This is not an activity that you nag them into.  This needs to be approached in a gentle manner. 

Devotionals 

Questions such as, “Hey, how was your devotional?” may be helpful.  Even less invasive conversation starters might include telling them how your devotional really spoke to you.  You can take a topic like patience and say how your devotion on patience really spoke to you through a certain situation that occurred to you today. 

If you engage them in these discussions, you may find something that they can relate to and the both of you can learn together.  These discussions can invite self-reflection in an indirect way.  

Bible Study

If you attend a small group or bible study, you could take an opportunity to show them how a topic you learned in group has impacted your life, and invite them to attend the group. If you hear a message at church that makes an impression on you, tell them about how it did and invite them to come to church. 

Your spouse may see how you are growing in Christ and want that for themselves. They will be seeing how you treat them different from before.  This could encourage them to seek God. 

6.) Be Aware of Your Own Shortcomings

Are you passive?  Aggressive?  A complainer?  Do you have your own compulsions? 

We cannot put all of our energy into the addicted spouse being “the” problem.  Often when there is an addiction in a relationship, there are dysfunctional patterns that are brought to the relationship by both parties.  It’s important to take an in-depth look at yourself to see what role you play in the addiction behavioral pattern.

A Critical Wife

An example that we see play out in marriage therapy would be of an alcoholic husband who has a critical, complaining wife.  No, she does not force him to drink, but her critical spirit antagonizes him, which leads him to partake in his unhealthy coping mechanism. 

She needs to see that her behavior, in this case her critical spirit, is not helping the situation, it is only hurting it. In fact, critical behavior is passive-aggressive. She needs to learn more assertive ways of communicating with her husband. 

Take a look at your own walk with God.  Invite Him to illuminate the areas in your life that need some work to improve your relationship with your spouse. 

7.) Encourage Healthy Coping Skills

These could include being assertive, learning to take breaks, self-care, slowing down your speech, deep breathing, relaxation techniques, and grounding exercises. Communication skills such as learning to say ‘no’ and having boundaries are also very healthy coping skills to learn. 

It’s also important to practice rejoicing in your trials.  We see it frequently in James and in Paul’s letters.  It’s counterintuitive, but singing praise songs during your challenges actually helps. It’s a coping skill. 

Memorizing scripture helps us write scripture on our hearts and creates a kind of “internal rolodex” of resources we can draw upon when we are in need of encouragement.

SHOW NOTES:

Welcome to Relationship Helpers! We are in our third week of “How To Support a Spouse…” Each week we are taking a look at a different mental health or relational issue that causes spouses to struggle in their marriage. 

We’ve already examined what you can do for a spouse with PTSD and how you can support a spouse with anxiety or OCD.  This week we are going to focus on what to do if your spouse comes from a toxic family.

Toxic In-Laws!

In episode 068, we discuss what to do if you are dating someone whose family is toxic.  Be sure to check out that episode as well because we highlight some red flags that are areas of concern. 

As marriage therapists, Vincent and Laura often encounter couples who do not know how to deal with their in-laws. 

What does “toxic” actually mean?

Toxic is an umbrella term that is used to describe someone who may be codependent or lack boundaries.  They may be emotionally abusive or have an addiction. 

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

1.) Excessive Communication—If your spouse’s family calls them on a daily basis (with some exceptions), there is a strong likelihood that they are toxic. Parents, siblings, etc. need friendships outside of their relationship with your significant other.  They may be getting the emotional support they need from your spouse rather than friends. 

2.) Emotional Abuse—Does your spouse’s parents put him down? 

3.) Enabling—Does your spouses’s parents make life too easy for him?  Do they prevent your spouse from being responsible for themselves?  If so, they are sending the message that your spouse is incapable of providing for himself. 

4.) Conditional love—Does your spouse only feel loved when they perform a certain way for his parents?  Does your spouse’s parents only seem happy when they are getting something from your spouse?   

5.) Too Needy—Do the parents/siblings have to be bailed out by your spouse? 

6.) Alcoholism/Substance Abuse/Other Addictions—Finances are a common point of contention in marriage.  Does your spouse have a family member who asks for money? Is your spouse bank-rolling a family member’s addiction? Addictions take all shapes and sizes from workaholism to gaming to gambling to shopping. 

7.) Anger Management Issues—Does your spouse have a family member that rages? Or does he come from a family that does not have productive conflict? 

8.) Excessive Guilt—Find yourselves being sent on guilt trips by his family?

5 Things You Can Do To Help Your Spouse That Comes From a Toxic Family

1.) Give a Gentle Observations

When you talk about your spouse’s family, avoid saying harsh “you” statements. Don’t be accusatory. Your spouse has decades of experience with their family and may be sensitive to your comments.  They could be enmeshed in the toxicity.

They may be in a lot of denial.  You will have to gently navigate them through it. Use “I” statements such as “I’ve noticed that…”

Proceed with your observations with caution, as we are more likely to see failings of others rather than our own.  In other words, we may see problems in our spouse’s family before we see problems in our own.  Much like what Jesus was saying about the speck and the log in Matthew 7: 3-5.

2.) Discuss Healthy Boundaries

Once you have made the gentle observations, its time to figure out what you’re going to do to about it. This means creating boundaries for yourself, for each individual, and for your marriage.  If you have children, you are going to want boundaries that protect them from inappropriate behavior.  

One boundary may be how often you visit with family or if you even visit them at all. A question to consider may be where should you visit them.  Would neutral territory, such as a restaurant or a park be a safer choice? 

For the family where alcoholism is an issue, it may be healthier to meet away from the family home so that the alcoholic does not have easy access to alcohol. This may mean going to a park. Alcoholics often have built in defenses where they hide their alcohol at home.

When a spouse has needy parents, meeting them away from their home can shift the power differential, leaving them less likely to be able to guilt you about something that needs to be done at their home.

If you feel a guilt trip coming on while at their parent’s home, it may be helpful to postpone their requests by saying “We need to leave now, we can come back at _______ time to do __________.”  This way you are not dismissing them, but you are also not giving into their demands immediately. 

3.)  Discussing Healthy Ways of Communicating the Boundaries and Follow-Through 

Once you’ve figured out what boundaries you’d like to have, it’s important to talk about how you will communicate your boundaries. Your talk with your spouse could sound like, “Maybe if we talk this way, if we say this thing, it would be helpful in these situations.” 

It’s important to talk these things out—don’t assume you know exactly what your spouse wants. In the case of over-communication between family and spouse, it will be important to protect your marriage. 

Some people think that telling their family everything is good, but it actually is NOT. If your spouse’s family wants to talk about your sex life or about your shortcomings, it only serves to blur the lines in your relationship and is not healthy. 

Now that you’ve thought about boundaries and talked them over with your spouse, it’s time to figure out the consequences of someone over-stepping a boundary. Remember, being assertive is a process. It’s not just laying out the boundaries once, and expecting conflict to be over.  It is communicating the boundary over time and following through with the consequences of not heeding it. It’s an ongoing process. 

Guilt Trip Example

Handling guilt trips could sound like this, “Mom, I appreciate that you want to spend time with me, and I enjoy our time together, however, when you continually say that I never come to see you, or lay guilt trips on me, it’s harmful to our relationship.” 

“Next time that you do that, I’m going to mention that it is harmful to our relationship. I know you want us to have a healthy relationship, as well. I feel that’s the best way to address it. I want us to have a good time together.”  (Learn more about handling guilt trips here—“How to Navigate a Guilt Trip.”)

Aggressive Parent Example

When you speak this way, you are aligning with the other person and they are more likely to receive what you are saying well. If you are in a situation where you have a parent who rages, you could say, “Dad, I appreciate it that you have concern for us, however, it is unhealthy and it angers me when you get loud, or start putting me down. Next time that you yell or get aggressive, I’m going to hang up because I don’t want this pattern to continue.”

“I want us to have a healthy relationship.  I want you to know that just because I hang up the phone or walk away, it does not meant I’m walking away from our relationship. I’m doing this because I love you and want to have a good relationship with you. I feel like that’s what you want as well.” 

4.) Allow Your Spouse to Take the Lead In Asserting Boundaries, When Possible

It is healthy for you to set the boundaries with your family and your spouse to set the boundaries with their family.

You may have to gently encourage your spouse to assert the boundaries. Help them see what they want.

If you’re so different from their family of origin, you may add some different perspective that helps them see that not everyone’s family operates the way yours does, and that’s not a bad thing. They may see that things don’t have to be the way they were. 

5.) Encourage Them to Have Healthy Friendships

Having healthy friendships will allow your spouse to look at their family from a fresh, healthy perspective.  More than likely they will see the difference in how their family operates versus a healthy family. 

They may see that the way their family does things is not the only way. 

SHOW NOTES

Welcome to Relationship Helpers!  If this is your first time joining us, we’re so glad you’ve found us.  Today’s episode marks the second in an eight week series on “How to Support a Spouse With…”.

Each week therapists, the husband and wife team Vincent and Laura discuss how you can support your spouse.  Topics range from mental health conditions such as depression, to behaviors like alcoholism, to relational issues such as having a toxic family of origin. 

Anxiety/OCD

Today we are offering tips on how to help a spouse with anxiety or OCD. If you find that your spouse is agonizing over something to the point that they are not able to function at performing home, work, or personal tasks, they may be suffering from an anxiety disorder.

If this behavior is affecting their personal relationships that is also a clue that they may be suffering from an anxiety disorder. The Relationship Helpers take a look today at what you can do to help them. 

1.) Do NOT Send the Message That Your Spouse is Crazy

Unfortunately many spouses tell their significant others that they are “crazy”.  Others may not literally say “you’re crazy” but they imply it.  Regardless of whether you say it or imply it, the message that it sends is that they are a problem. 

The harsher you come across, it ingrains the label into the spouse.  More than likely there is some emotional abuse going on if a spouse calls the other “crazy.” Stop it.  You’re making the cycle worse.  

Saying “you’re crazy” very well could be coming out of your anger and frustration.  Your hands probably feel tied in the situation, but calling your partner crazy will only make the situation much worse and build resentment in your marriage. 

If you’re struggling with not knowing how to cope with the anger and frustration, a trusted therapist can guide you and your spouse into a healthier pattern of communication that does not berate the spouse with anxiety.  A therapist can also teach both of you how to cope with the anxiety symptoms. 

2.) Create An Open Dialogue About It Using Gentle Observations

If you are struggling with how to initiate the conversation about your spouse’s anxiety, try this:  “I’ve noticed that when…”, “tell me more about that…”. This can act as a formula that you use to broach the subject. 

An example would be “I’ve noticed that when we get around my family you become irritable, tell me more about what’s going on there.”  Another would be:  “I’ve noticed that when you are driving you seem to wait pretty long before you make a turn, then you make the turn at the last moment. Tell me more about that.” 

Anxiety can be more apparent surrounding driving because of the immediacy of the process of driving.  You have to make quick decisions. The second-guessing and avoiding of driving-related anxiety is easier to notice. 

When you make your observation about them be careful NOT to say “You always…”. You statements only rouse defensiveness.  Be careful not to come across with a critical tone.  Being gentle with your observation will take you further in trying to break the cycle of anxiety in your spouse. 

3.) Acknowledge The Cycle & Your Role In It

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is marked by a cycle of obsession, compulsion, momentary relief from the obsession and then the cycle starts over. Many times the spouse of the anxiety or OCD suffers gets sucked into this unhealthy cycle.  He or she may be trying to make the situation better, but actually makes it worse.  

Popular culture has portrayed OCD at a surface level, but what is it?  From a clinical standpoint, OCD is an anxiety condition marked by beliefs or fears that are compensated for by a compulsion or behavior—something that is done to ameliorate the fear. The compulsion is an unhealthy way of coping with the fear. The compulsive behavior is a short-term solution to a long-term problem. It’s only a momentary fix. 

Germ Fears

An example of the OCD cycle with someone struggling with fear of germs could look like the following: 

OBSESSION: The thought/fear of getting sick or dying. 

COMPULSION:  Excessive hand washing, sanitizing and frequent or prolonged baths. There is momentary relief and then the obsession cycles back around.

It’s not unusual for other people to get sucked into the cycle.  They often attempt to try make the person feel better by entertaining the sufferer’s compulsion, in other words they enable the fear. 

With a germaphobe spouse, the other spouse may go along with it. They may allow that person to spend 30 minutes in the bath.  They may just not say anything about it, even if it inconveniences them or puts them in a financial crunch because the water bill is high. 

Be aware that people who suffer from anxiety and OCD often struggle with negative self-talk.  For the person who has difficulty driving, they likely believe that they are a bad driver or incapable of making adequate driving maneuvers. This negative self-talk reinforces the cycle of OCD or anxiety. 

How can a spouse unwittingly play into this cycle? In the driving example, the other spouse may just decide to do the driving for them so as to avoid having to deal with the ordeal that happens when their spouse drives, rather than addressing the issue at hand. It’s the easy way out.  Again, we have a short term solution to a long term problem.  This is unhealthy and feeds the fear. 

School Refusal

Another example of the anxiety cycle is school refusal behavior. This is a situation where a child does not want to go to school and either pitches a fit or says that they don’t feel well to get out of school.

Sometimes this behavior is the result of a fear.  That fear could be of getting sick at school or being embarrassed at school. They try to avoid school to avoid confronting the fear.  Often the parent and school is complicit in the cycle of fear by sending the child home from school, instead of encouraging them to stay.

Here’s what the cycle looks like: 

OBSESSION:  “I’m afraid I’m going to get sick.”

COMPULSION: Make it almost physically impossible to get me inside the school. The parent then gives in and keeps them home. (This reinforces the fear because the child is not challenged to face their fear.) 

4) Setting Boundaries So That You Don’t Get Caught Up in the Cycle

Using the school refusal example above, we take a look at how to successfully create and follow through with a boundary; when your child says they do not feel well, you take this moment to use a GENTLE OBSERVATION:  “I’ve noticed that when it’s time to go to school you do everything you can to get out of going. Tell me more about that…”

The child gives an answer.  Then the parent responds with THE BOUNDARY:  “You’re a strong kid who is able to handle school.  We’re going to go to school now.”  Then the parent takes the child to school and does not look back.  

When a parent does this it sends the message that the parent is confident in the child.  If a parent gives in to the child’s protestations then the parent is sending the message that he is not confident in his child. It’s important to note that when a parent has negative thoughts and anxiety it can spread to the child.  If the parent has worry surrounding the child, then the child will feed off of it and become more anxious.

Clean Freak 

If your spouse is a housecleaning perfectionist, you’ll find that he or she may clean and tidy to the point of missing out on timely activities because they have to get their house just right.  This is to the detriment of the family. 

It sends the message that they would rather be cleaning than spending time with family and may also send the message that the family’s efforts at cleaning are not good enough. This can be a recipe for disaster for your family. 

One problem that we find happening in families is that the perfectionist parent does all of the chores for everyone, and the children do not grow up learning how to do household tasks. Another concern is that children grow up overly criticized when they do attempt housework and develop negative self-talk that makes them second guess themselves.  

An example of creating a boundary here would be “I’ve noticed that on game night when we are supposed to start playing at 6:30, you’re still straightening up at 6:35. The kids aren’t able to play with us as long as they could before bath time. We’re going to go ahead with our plans regardless of whether or not you are cleaning at 6:30.”  When you tell them this boundary, you follow through with it—don’t bend to their fear or protests. 

Another boundary in this situation is telling them that you are going to help them with the cleaning tasks.  Many times perfectionist housecleaners won’t let others help them.

Telling them you’re going to do it challenges their obsession.  It takes some of their control away.  Doing this can change the dynamic in the home. 

5.)  Encourage Them To Use Healthy Coping Skills

Educate yourself about different ways to help someone experiencing anxiety attacks. Learn about the cycle of OCD. Be sure to check out episode 011 where we talk about anxiety and panic attacks and how to cope with different calming techniques.

One such coping skill is called “grounding.”  Grounding techniques can be used in the more extreme situations.  Anxiety is often a fear of what is going to happen in the future—the “what ifs?”  Grounding exercises forces the anxiety sufferer to focus back on the here-and-now and the safety of what is around them.  

As the supportive spouse, it will be helpful for you to re-direct them with what’s going on right now. Engage them with what is going on around them.  What do they hear, see, smell, taste, touch? Unless they are undergoing something painful and frightening in the moment, the grounding exercise will help them feel safe. 

Singing praise songs and encouraging them to think about what God has provided them with are other healthy coping skills to pull out of your tool box when they are struggling. 

If you are dealing with early signs that they are anxious, you can help them to challenge unhelpful thinking habits. First, help them to recognize the unhelpful thinking habit.  Then challenge it.  For example, “What is the worst thing that would happen if you vacuumed for ten minutes instead of fifteen?”

Another thing you can do is to help your spouse remember what has happened in the past. It can be difficult for a person in the throes of an anxiety attack to remember their coping skills.   If there has been a particular way that they coped in the past that was healthy and helpful, remind them.  

6.) Encourage Them To Talk With Someone Else

Individual or couples counseling may help you to learn healthier ways of managing anxiety in your marriage. The counselor can help you and your spouse understand where the fear comes from, to acknowledge it, and to cope with it. 

Therapists can be helpful, but other people can be as well.  Hearing other people’s perspectives can help the anxiety sufferer to challenge unhelpful thinking habits. Healthy friendships are an important part of who we are as people and can help us to avoid isolation, which typically reinforces unhelpful thinking habits. 

Vincent mentions how when you open up to someone, bringing your issues to the light, they begin to lose their power over you.