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085 Marriage: How To Support Your Traumatized Spouse

SHOW NOTES:

Disclaimer: Today’s topic is sensitive in nature. We will be discussing topics that may be difficult for some listeners regarding trauma and things that elicit very emotional responses. Listen at your discretion.

“How To Support Your Spouse…” Series

Welcome to our new series, “How to Support Your Spouse…” For the next seven weeks we will focus on how you can help your spouse through trauma issues, anxiety/OCD, toxic family relationships, alcoholism/substance abuse issues, addictions, anger issues, and grief/loss.

Each week we will offer tips on how to offer support for a struggling spouse while maintaining healthy boundaries through each issue.

How To Support A Traumatized Spouse Introduction

Today’s topic is near and dear to our hearts. We are approaching our discussion from two angles; we’re both therapists who work with trauma survivors and we have had to cope with PTSD in our own marriage.

Vincent supported Laura as she recovered from PTSD. Laura experienced delayed-onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) around the time she married Vincent. A gynecological trauma from childhood led to medical and sexual triggers that made the first few years of our marriage very difficult. In effect, Laura struggled with being in any medical setting and had difficulty with sex.

How PTSD Works

When someone suffers from PTSD they can experience nightmares, hyper-vigilance (extreme safety monitoring to prevent things from harming you), and over-stimulation (hypersensitivity to the five senses).

Laura was in throes of severe PTSD, when they got married. Laura went through years of therapy, which was very helpful and motivated her to become a therapist.

Supporters

She has been able to overcome the trauma through the support of Vincent, family, and a therapist. She has been able to see God’s role in her healing and recovery, which was an integral part very early in the therapeutic process.

She wants today’s message to offer hope for those coping with trauma and to see that recovery is possible. If you are the spouse of someone struggling with a trauma history, you can play a very important role in supporting them through recovery.

Triggers

For an in-depth look at understanding triggers check out last week’s episode, “What Are Triggers?”

For Laura, there were many triggers. Hospitals, sex, TV shows, tight spaces, even benign things like temperature and light could produce a flashback. Vincent witnessed many of her flashbacks. He felt like she was in a whole other world.

Panic attacks would result from seemingly small things. It is important to understand that when you are married to someone with PTSD, things that appear to be “normal” can be anything but for the survivor. Having an awareness of your spouse’s triggers is key.

Laura’s flashbacks were so intense that she was having pseudo-hallucinations due to the hyperstimulation of PTSD. These episodes left her hysterical, in the fetal position. At times she would physically hurt herself during these attacks. Thankfully, she is well on the other side of recovery from such intense flashbacks.

Laura Today

The things that would once send Laura into hysterical flashbacks now hold much less power. Recently she faced an emergency c-section, which would have been unthinkable during her early years of PTSD.

She wants others to see her example as someone who is not trapped, there is hope and recovery. You do not have to be a slave to it.

How YOU Can Support Your Spouse

1.) Patience

Don’t expect too much from the survivor. Learn to not “react” to the person who has been traumatized. You may see your significant other behave out of character, but the best thing you can do is to slow yourself down and begin to think about what is happening before you speak.

Bring your awareness to the here and now. Be present. Doing this will allow you to see that what is happening is not your fault and is actually something that is outside of your relationship.

Develop a trauma awareness. You may be in a relationship with someone who has been traumatized and not realize it. The traumatized person may not even realize it—they may be ignorant of it, in denial or have a delayed-onset, like Laura.

If you’re dealing with someone who is irritable, cranky, difficult, depressed, anxious, they may have experienced a trauma and are having difficulty coping. Being patient and gaining understanding will be very important.

Laura and Vincent recognize how easily their marriage could have ended due to the difficulties they faced from the PTSD. There were times even on the honeymoon where Laura was trying to escape and did not want to talk about it.

Fortunately, Vincent came into the relationship with some perspective. God had prepared him. For years prior to their first meeting, Vincent read the Bible a lot, along with plenty of Christian living books.

Vincent had been drawn to some old books that had belonged to his grandparents. He did not have an opportunity to get to know them, as his grandfather passed before Vincent was born, and his grandmother died during his childhood. He felt led to read these books.

He read books by James Dobson and Norman Vincent Peale. Then he sought out books by Drs. Cloud and Townsend and Dr. Daniel Clarke. At the time, he did not realize he was reading counseling books. These would be preparing his heart for marriage AND counseling.

2.) Gain Understanding

Vincent had already learned a few things before he learned Laura had PTSD. When Laura received the diagnosis, they started reading books on trauma in earnest.

It helped Vincent to understand that Laura may have been getting mad, but that it was not because of him. He was able to deflect a lot of the anger and find strength from God, rather than looking to Laura with a label, and calling her mean and bad.

There were times where Vincent struggled. He wondered if he could leave Laura at home when he went to work. Her safety was in question. She was pushing him away, telling him to divorce her.

Vincent did not enter into the marriage thinking that getting married would make things perfect. Vincent had the mindset that you get married, you stay married. Years of reading and leading Bible studies had prepared his heart for the challenges ahead.

These books are helpful in working through trauma: The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. (A Christian counseling classic.) Restoring the Shattered Self by Healther Gingrich. (A book on complex PTSD.) Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys & Christ Restores by Diane Langberg. (Dr. Langberg is an expert in trauma and spiritual formation.)

Listen to our last episode “What Are Triggers?” to gain a better understanding of triggers and flashbacks.

3.) Learn Your Spouse’s Triggers

Our last podcast episode, “What Are Triggers?” is a good starting place to help you better understand what to be on the lookout for when you are trying to help your spouse.

Your spouse could be experiencing any number of triggers, anything from anniversary triggers to environmental. Be aware that you may be contributing to the triggers.

Laura struggled with things that Vincent would say. He could be saying something relatively benign, but Laura would take it like he was trying to hurt her.

Vincent suggests spouses learn to step back, talk about it and pray about it.

4.) Prayer

When we enter into trying to understand trauma, it’s like entering into a war zone. There are all of these hidden booby traps and things that if you step on them, it’s like two steps forward, three steps back. It’s a delicate matter. You may be setting the triggers off whilst trying to understand the trauma.

Understand that you may need to get worse to get better. Being patient and steady through it will go a long way. Don’t ask, “how long?” Vincent would often ask himself “how long will we be going through this?” but did not ask Laura this.

For Laura, one of the most healing parts of the therapeutic process was “putting” Jesus at the scene of the trauma. It’s not that He wasn’t already there, but trauma can make you forget it.

Early in therapy, she was able to recognize Him as a presence during the trauma and to also understand that He bore immeasurable pain for us all. He took on everyone’s pain. It lent perspective into her trauma situation and helped her to recover.

For Vincent, the promises made through his wedding vows guided him through the pain. If being married meant being with Laura through 45 minutes of being hysterical in the fetal position, that’s what he would do. The question of “will this last five years? Ten years? Til death?” may have entered his mind, but it did not last that long.

At times we felt like we were living a horror movie—this was not wedded bliss. We had to undergo extreme odds, but we persisted and our marriage is all the more stronger. Laura’s therapist pointed out that our marriage had to survive trials that don’t normally occur early in a marriage and that we weathered through it.

Vincent did not make decisions on how he felt, instead, He depended on God. In those intense, horrific moments its hard to see that there is light on the other side of this. There’s hope.

If you are noticing some red flags while reading/hearing this, seek strong, Christian counsel. Seek out someone who is trustworthy. Someone that has been vetted out that can come alongside you and help you see that you are not stuck.

Don’t entertain the thought “how long will this last?” as it is a question that many clients get caught up on. It’s asking the wrong question. Better questions are: are you committed to this person? Are committed to this marriage? Are you committed to your recovery? Are you committed to God?

5.) Learn coping/relaxation skills to practice with spouse

Being a supportive spouse means helping your spouse to remember their coping skills. This means learning those skills yourself for those moments where the traumatized spouse is struggling.

Help them practice these coping skills when they are in the throes of panic attacks. Help them get grounded. Grounding exercises can be helpful. (Check out our information on Grounding Exercises here.) You need to know what to do to not make it worse, but to actually help them through it.

For Laura, it was quite grounding for Vincent to come hold her and sing praise songs. (Note that he is a terrible singer and is tone/pitch deaf, but that didn’t matter.) It not only helped to stabilize Laura, but helped to keep Vincent calm, as well.

6.) Communication

Being able to talk about what is happening/process it together is important. This also means being a good reflective listener. The process of recovery involves talking about the trauma. It’s not talking about it a certain number times.

Don’t put a limit on how many times it needs to be talked about. It may seem like they are talking about the same thing over and over again, but don’t let the number of times stop them from healing. Talking through it with someone helps them to gain perspective.

For spouses supporting a traumatized spouse, show them that you are trying to understand. Laura mentions how even if Vincent said or did the wrong thing, it meant more to her when he attempted to understand her.

7.) Set boundaries and take care of yourself

Trying to understand the situation can get you stuck in a toxic cycle. It’s important that you as the supporting spouse set boundaries and take care of yourself through the process. That means speaking truth in a loving manner.

You are being faced with a spouse who is having irrational beliefs about what happened. You need to be able to understand how they are feeling. You will have to be able to speak the truth and help them understand what is healthy and what is not.

You MUST NOT get caught up in their fears, otherwise your relationship will be driven by fears. If you feed the fear, it will not promote healing. The trauma will then be controlling both of you.

You need to have your own social and familial support. You need to keep yourself healthy. This way you will be ready to gently speak scripture and truths to your hurting spouse.

Conclusion

We hope that today’s episode has alerted you to some issues that need to be addressed in your life. Take the seven suggestions we’ve made today to heart.

Seek out trustworthy counsel to come alongside you through your recovery. There is hope and healing. We hope our story today has encouraged you.

084 Personal Growth: What Are Triggers?

SHOW NOTES:

Disclaimer: Today’s topic is sensitive in nature. We will be discussing topics that may be difficult for some listeners, such as trauma, death, and things that elicit very emotional responses. Listen at your discretion.

Trigger is a buzzword these days. It seems to be a part of this decade’s zeitgeist. Being “triggered” is a notion popularized by today’s media and culture.

From a clinical standpoint, triggers are a serious consideration. For someone suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, grief, etc. the word trigger is not a trite term.

Today, therapists Vincent and Laura Ketchie of Relationship Helpers examine triggers. What are they? Where do they come from? What should we do with them?

Things we see, things we hear, things we touch, even the day of the year can be a trigger for some of us. These can ingrain and store certain memories in the body, bringing us back to how we felt during a traumatic situation of the past. We can have emotions from the past in the present moment due to triggers.

A trigger is something that pushes the “rewind” button in your body—transporting you back to a different time. You begin to feel what you felt during that time, your body feels as if it is back in that time. You experience that same emotion and physical feeling or maybe you zone out.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is seen often in someone who has experienced a trauma and they have had difficulty coping with that trauma. They may experience nightmares and hyper-vigilance (looking for threats constantly, frequently concerned about their safety). Those suffering from PTSD may struggle with functioning at work and/or home.

They may experience nightmares and hyper-vigilance (looking for threats constantly, frequently concerned about their safety).

An example could be a combat veteran who has lost a friend in uniform. He may struggle with the sudden sounds of fireworks or watching a movie, or something that reminds them of the person they lost. Whatever the trigger, his body and mind is sent back to that moment where he lost his friend. His mind and body are responding as if he is back at that traumatic situation.

A Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnosis can occur over countless types of traumas. It is not specific to combat. People with PTSD often have anxiety attacks. Some have panic attacks. Be sure to check out our episode on how to tell the difference between an anxiety and panic attack.

Laura feels there are varying degrees of response to stimuli. She shares her experience with PTSD, finding that being in the presence of a very direct trigger could elicit a strong PTSD response. She mentions, however that there could be lesser triggers. Rather than having a full-on panic attack, a sufferer may have milder responses.

There are many layers to the situation of a trauma. There are many things in your environment, at the time. Some things that may have not seemed to be all that significant during the trauma could still be a trigger. In essence, there could be some very direct triggers that causes extreme responses, but there could be some more subtle ones that cause a response as well.

Obvious things such as the sight of blood or the sounds of gasping for air could be pretty direct, but others such as the air temperature or the lighting could be more subtle triggers. Triggers can be subtle or obvious.

If you are having difficulty understanding why you are having some mild anxiety symptoms, it may be helpful to identify any subtle triggers that you may have.

Acknowledging these triggers is important because your trigger-response behavior may be affecting your relationships now. You may be irritable, standoffish, blowing up with your spouse. You could be hesitant about things without knowing why.

Anniversary Triggers

For some that struggle with triggers, they may not know today’s date, yet are still triggered by the anniversary of a trauma on that date. This person’s body and mind still transports them to that time, even without direct awareness of the day.

Grief is often associated with anniversary triggers. The date of someone’s death or the date of a breakup are both examples of possible anniversary triggers.

Holidays and birthdays can be very natural triggers. Sometimes we get triggered days before the anniversary. He or she may become irritable days before the anniversary. They may seem depressed, leading up to that day. Or, they may experience depression and irritability at any time or frequently.

It is important to be aware of your triggers, but also to give yourself grace. Don’t put too much on your schedule around an anniversary. You need to know how you best cope. You may need to schedule some fun activities around an anniversary to get you through that time. Don’t overcommit yourself or put too much stress on yourself if you know this is going to be a difficult time.

Visual Triggers

T.V. and movies can be very triggering for some people.

When someone experiences trauma, usually the most concrete things are visual. We are very visual people.

Vincent describes a story about our professor, Dr. David Ludwig. He shared that he had difficulty with a very specific shade of blue cloth. One day he was sitting in the choir loft during a church meeting. The choir was wearing blue robes. On this particular day his father, the pastor, was being criticized by someone in the congregation. They were threatening to let him go from the church. Dr. Ludwig was embarrassed. He continued to look down and to the right, staring at his robe. Now he finds himself feeling that sense of shame sometimes if he looks down and to the right at something blue. He had made an association of shame with that color.

T.V. and movies can be very triggering for some people. The visual paired with audio can be very stimulating and stir up emotions, sending someone back to a traumatic situation.

Physical Triggers

Sometimes we don’t consider how physical touch can set us off. The body keeps memory of things that have happened to it. Someone who may have been held down by the shoulder by an attacker may have difficulty being touched on the shoulder later.

Some people struggle with having their personal space impeded or struggle with being cornered because of a past trauma. They may have difficulty handling a situation with a person with a poor sense of personal boundaries. Being crammed in an elevator may be hard. Standing in line at a theme park or being crowded may cause this person to have feelings like they did when they were abused or attacked.

Air temperature, lighting, voice tone, body language, environment, and more can all be contributing triggers.

Getting your haircut, going to the dentist and/or doctor, having a massage all could be difficult because of the close proximity of another person who is touching you.

Some people don’t realize that a physical reaction to being touched could be connected to a trauma. Triggers are not a cut-and-dry, black or white thing. For instance, a rape victim is not going to be only triggered by sex. Air temperature, lighting, voice tone, body language, environment, and more can all be contributing triggers.

Having a very broad understanding of triggers is important because each person’s experience of trauma is different. No two people or traumas are alike. We can’t say that this person’s trauma is that person’s trauma or that this person’s reason for having PTSD is that person’s reasons for having or not having PTSD. It’s a very individual experience.

Verbal Triggers

Sometimes what is said or not said can be a trigger. Tone of voice can be a trigger. A certain language or dialect could be triggering.

If someone has been assaulted and their assailant had a deep voice they could be triggered by the sounds of deep voices. It could be the kind of words their attacker said. T.V. and movies could be difficult to watch because of these types of triggers. Songs could be difficult to hear.

Triggers and Grooming

Grooming is the process that a pedophile uses to establish a trusting connection with a child. (Be sure to check out our interview with Tracy Lamperti on How to Protect Your Child From Pedophiles to learn more about preventing child molestation). The pedophile may have used certain tactics to make the child more comfortable with him or her. These could become triggers later.

People who have been molested as children may struggle with figures of authority because their trust in authority has been broken.

Miscellaneous Triggers

Cologne, perfume, laundry detergent smells may all be triggering for some people. The sense of taste can be triggering.

Certain textures and tastes can be disturbing for some people (especially those who have experienced childhood sexual traumas.)

Conclusion

We’ve never really walked in another person’s shoes. It is good to broaden your understanding of trauma and its affects on people. Being aware of triggers and how they impact people is very helpful in improving your relationships with others.

If you have suffered from trauma, being in the here-and-now and having an awareness of your triggers is helpful in coping with day-to-day activities.

Out of hurt we have a tendency to shut out others. Acting out of hurt can shut us out from being able to support others and have relationships with others. Sometimes hurt people make the assumption that they are the only ones who have hurt this bad and that no one can understand. Regardless of whether someone near you has experienced the hurt you’ve experienced, there are people that want to support you.

If you have a “difficult” person in your life, they have probably experienced trauma. Being caring and empathetic will take you much further in trying to be in relationship with that person than being defensive and dismissive.

Have patience with people and with yourself. Be aware of what’s going on and ask God to help you to step back and gain understanding.

083 Personal Growth: Is Self-Care Selfish?

SHOW NOTES

Self-care seems to be buzz words these days. Many industries have devoted themselves to the idea of self-care. But is self-care selfish? With our culture becoming more and more me-focused have we gotten too focused on self and less on others? What really is self-care?

We have to be very careful in how we answer this question. As therapists it would be irresponsible not to. In some Christian circles the concept of self-care is frowned upon. Again, we have to be careful. Yes, we are told to deny ourselves and take up our crosses daily, but how we deny ourselves is an important discussion.

Laura Explains This Cultural Concept To Vincent

At the onset of today’s episode, Laura explains to Vincent that a large portion of the self-care industry seems to be geared towards women. Vincent assumed that self-care was more along the lines of good hygiene. It is a bit funny to hear the difference between what a man considers self-care and how a woman views it. After helping Vincent see that self-care goes beyond taking a daily bath, Laura engages him in discussion on activities that women and men find entertaining.

We delineate the difference between selfish behavior and self-care by using Vincent’s example of what many men find fun: sitting in a deer stand for hours on end. Laura asks “are you doing it to the neglect of your family or are you doing it because you need to refuel?” Vincent prefers to use the words “leisure” or “fun time” over “self-care.” Laura feels that self-care is not just fun. (She gives the example of waxing.)

Dangers of Too Much Self-Care

Laura has seen the impact of women self-medicating with what started as an occasional glass of wine to wind down in the evening to drinking that has increased over time. It started out as a mindless activity that has gotten out of control. AND it is a slippery slope that is becoming more socially acceptable.

On the face of it, I (Laura) understand why some Christians denounce the concept of self-care. If it is taking you away from time spent better with God or serving others, then, yes, self-care could be thought of selfish.

However, having worked with troubled individuals for years, I (Laura) think(s) that a message of self-care being selfish is unhelpful. This message could be particularly harmful to those struggling with codependency.

Codependents have a tendency to live in the extremes. They often feel responsible for others’ feelings. They can’t be happy unless others are happy.

Harmfulness Of Putting Self-Care Down

Here’s why telling people self-care is selfish could be harmful: For the struggling codependent, they are so unhealthily focused on others that given the message that self-care is selfish just reinforces an already negative belief they have: I don’t need to take care of myself.

I’m caring for others better by not spending time on myself. This lack of self-care ends up hurting others in the process.

Legalism is also common in codependency. Seeing self-care as selfish can be a result of a harsh view of reality. Having worked with codependency we see so many people operating out of dry wells that will end up needing others’ care because they are not taking care of themselves.

The irony is that the mindset is often “I can’t do this for me right now because I’ve got to take care of so-and-so” and yet the codependent wears herself out and the very person that she was trying to care for will end up having to care for her.

Codependents often struggle because they have put themselves in a position above God. In their attempts at trying to make others happy, they get in God’s way. They often find their worth and value from being responsible for others’ happiness.

Meanwhile, it does not occur to them that they are getting in God’s way. Many times, it takes a Christian therapist, pastor, family member or close friend to point this out to them, however sometimes codependents figure this out on their own.

The Best Self-Care

Some of the best self-care is time spent with God. Drawing upon His strength will give you what you need. Reading His word and learning about Him will help you through your day.

If not, you run the risk of trying to do things out of your own strength and self-reliance. This also means you may be serving others out of guilt, not out of a Christlike position. Be care not to fall into the trap of defining yourself by what you do.

If we’re serving others but doing it from the wrong motivation, it builds our ego. You could feel very guilty and blame yourself often AND your ego could be quite large and prideful.

Gender Roles and Self-Care

Vincent has noticed an imbalance of work between the genders. He describes how in the 1950s there was a very traditional view of man’s work and woman’s work and how that has changed since. Women have seemed to take on more work overall, still trying to do the homemaking and work full-time jobs. Meanwhile, many men still feel that their wives should do most of the homemaking along with their jobs. In effect, many women are burnt out.

One common issue is that many families have divided tasks to indoors for the women and outdoors for the men. This is problematic because usually indoor tasks are a daily activity whereas outdoor ones usually are not. Add children to the mix as well as the assumption that the woman will be doing the brunt of the childcare, and then you have an even greater imbalance.

With more stay-at-home mothers taking on “work-at-home” jobs and businesses, it even furthers the amount of work women have taken on. Men, however, have had less variation in their roles. There are some stay-at-home dads and work-from-home dads, but for the most part women’s roles have developed more variations.

Communication issues in marriages often arise out of assumptions. It is very common to see a couple struggling over household work and duties, especially when they have not clearly communicated who is going to do what. Operating off of assumptions causes a lot of friction in relationships.

Vincent mentions how the traditional household of the 1950s may have not necessarily been right, but that it was clear. These days many couples are not clear on what is expected of one another.

Mindless Activity

With the amount of work we are taking on, what are we doing to ourselves? Often, we find ourselves with a window of time between when the kids go to bed and when we do.

This window of time is used many times for very unintentional activities. This is where self-care can become problematic (see Laura’s discussion of alcoholism above.) On-line shopping, gaming, overeating, and social media all become mindless activities that create debt, emotional and/or physical problems.

Why Are We So Busy?

Is it time to re-examine your goals in life? Do expect to make a certain dollar amount or acquire certain status symbols?

Laura feels that Western culture promotes excess. If you have a job, you over-work. If you’re a mother you are a soccer mom, a Pinterest mom, you do, you do, you do. If your kids are in sports they are on travel teams and play four games a weekend, not counting the practices and games during the week. Some parents count this as “leisure time” for themselves, when it really contributes more to the hamster wheel effect running ourselves ragged.

Physical exhaustion can lead to poor decisions. One such decision is eating. Exhaustion can mask itself as hunger.

Did You Do Your Homework?

As couples counselors, we give homework to our clients. Vincent describes how difficult it is for many couples to complete his homework assignment of four thirty-minute conversations per week.

Overwhelmingly the excuse for not completing the homework is that they do not have the “downtime” to do it.

God & Self-Care

If we view our bodies as temples, we have to care for them to be able to go out and serve. Caring for our literal bodies helps us to be the hands and feet of Christ.

Spending time with God allows us to be fueled by the Holy Spirit and not motivated by false guilt.

God created us to be relational. He desires relationship with us. He wants to be our source of strength. He wants us to put our dependence in Him. We can do this through prayer and time spent reading the Bible. He also gave us a wonderful creation to admire Him through.

God also desires in us to have relationships with others. We can incorporate this into our self-care routine. Enjoying the company of positive people can go a long way.

Self-care could mean watching a beautiful sunset and saying, “Wow! Thank you God for allowing me to see that. Your creation is beautiful.”

Self-care could be going on a hike and marveling at how peaceful and still God’s handiwork can be.

Self-care can be soaking in a tub, taking care of a world-worn body whose feet have walked far to carry the good news.

Self-care can help us to appreciate. It can prepare us to go out into the world refreshed for the next day of witnessing.

Anything done to the extreme is unhealthy. Striking a balance is key.

What can you do this week to take care of yourself?

082 Marriage: How the Connection With Your Baby Affects Their Future Marriage – Part 2

SHOW NOTES:

Many couples struggle with feeling like there is no resolution to their fights. Some avoid disagreements at all costs due to their frustration over how arguments in the past were handled.

Dr. Jesse Gill, author of Face To Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage

Today, therapists and hosts of Relationship Helpers Vincent and Laura Ketchie, offer part two of their interview with Christian psychologist and author, Dr. Jesse Gill. His book, “Face to Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage”, offers insights into how your attachment style influences how you get along with your mate.

Be sure to check out Part 1 of our interview where we go in-depth with how your attachment to your parents affects your attachment style!

Attachment Theory & Your Marriage

Attachment is a bonding experience; a tangible experience of love. Each day you need to do “face-to-face t.v.” On a daily basis you need to spend face-to-face time with your spouse, along with “t” for touch and the opportunity to be “v” vulnerable with one another.

The gold standard is secure attachment. People who are securely attached are not afraid of abandonment and are able to ask for what they need. They feel comfortable being honest and open about what they need and feel.

If you had a secure attachment to your parents, these skills are available to you. But even if you didn’t, God can create a secure attachment in your marriage.

“Conflict is always a fight for better emotional connection.”

We are created for attachment and connection. You may be married to someone who is doing a lot of protesting and they are not tuned into your sensitivity. You may feel criticized and inadequate.

Others, the protestors, feel abandoned from their detached, avoiding spouse. The root for both the protestor and the avoider is the loss of connection.

Protestors

A protestor in a relationship is the person who shows a lot of emotion. They may nag and talk more than their mate. They can be critical and get angry.

They are not protesting their mate. They are protesting the loss of their mate. Their mate is the person they need, they just can’t reach their mate.

Avoiders

The avoider in a relationship may seem to be not responding to the other person’s emotional moments. They may either literally or figuratively leave the scene.

They are “internalizers’. They have learned that sharing their emotions gets them nowhere. So they have stopped sharing how they feel. They feel that they must rely on themselves. They shut down. That’s how they cope.

The Vicious Cycle

Struggling couples often are caught in a vicious cycle. One spouse gets angry (the protestor), turns up the emotional heat and the avoider internalizes it and shuts down. Each spouse is operating out of their attachment style, and it perpetuates a negative cycle.

Neither one is left feeling understood, only more disconnected from their spouse. The protestor’s fear of abandonment is further fueled by the avoider’s distance, and round and round the cycle goes.

Your Spouse is Not the Bad Guy

50% of couples are the “Protester & Avoider” type

Instead of identifying your spouse as the problem, Dr. Gill advises looking at the negative cycle as the problem. Conflict is always because one feels abandoned or overwhelmed in some way. When this goes on too long, couples contact marriage therapists.

Dr. Gill finds about 50% of the couples that he works are stuck in the “protest/avoid” negative cycle. Some couples, however, are composed of two protestors. They may not appear this way at first glance, it is just that one of the spouses have burned out with protesting and have pulled back.

Other couples struggle with a trauma history and can bring a lot of intensity to protect themselves when they are hurting.

Nothing Says “I Love You” Like Effort

It’s a misconception that having to work on a relationship means that there is no love in it. In fact, nothing communicates love more to a spouse than when their partner who does not naturally and easily say “I love you” puts forth the extra effort to show their love.

She found his note to say “I love you” in the sock drawer.

Dr. Gill tells of a couple where the wife needed to hear from her husband the words, “I love you.” She lets him know of her need. A few months pass by and she is putting away laundry and discovers a note tucked away in her husband’s sock drawer. The note was a reminder for him to tell her that he loved her every day.

She felt more loved because he was being intentional. These words did not come automatically to him, so it meant more to her when she discovered how intentional he had become at communicating his love to her.

If you know your attachment style, you’re better able to work towards establishing a secure attachment with your spouse. If you know you’re an avoider, you know that you need to take risks by sharing and reaching out to your spouse. If you’re a protestor, you’ll need to bring down the intensity level to a safer setting so that your avoider spouse will feel more apt to share and so that they will feel less overwhelmed.

Three Negative Cycles

The fuel of a negative cycle is two people that want to be able to be connected and are at increasing levels of despair.

1. Protest/Avoid

One spouse is emotional, the other is distant. (See above)

2. Protest/Protest

There is usually a trauma background for both spouses. Both spouses are emotional.

3. Avoid/Avoid

The protestor has been trying for so long to communicate with the avoider that they burn out and give up.

How Marriage Counseling From An Attachment-Focus Can Help

A marriage therapist with a background in Attachment Theory can help a couple by interrupting the negative communication cycle. The therapist is also able to help the couple to determine their attachment needs.

The therapist can help the couple come towards each other with open hands and open hearts. The therapist makes them comfortable to come together and have that face-to-face t.v. The goal of the therapist is to create a safe environment for the couple to be vulnerable with one another.

Positive Cycle

This is healthy communication between a securely attached couple where each person is able to ask and receive without fear of abandonment or overwhelm.

Engaging the Avoider

It is important to engage the avoider first to create positive traction. Sometimes this means helping them see what they don’t like, as it is easier to determine what someone does not like first.

This may mean helping them to put words to things such as “I didn’t like how that was furious,” or “I didn’t like how that was fast.”

Speed Round

What has been your biggest stumbling block in your relationship with God?

I’m a recovering avoider. I’m growing into the attachment zone. My hangup is to be too self-reliant. That’s very different from “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” where I’m acknowledging my dependence and great need for the Lord. I’m getting better by God’s grace.

What is the best advice you’ve ever received?

Not be defensive, but to stay open and curious. By being curious, we’re connecting with that inquisitive, playful side I talked about earlier.

Even though something is confusing, I’m able to find out what’s driving it—what’s driving that in my spouse, what’s driving that in my child, or what’s driving that in me. Stay open and curious.

Who do you admire other than a biblical figure?

Dr. Carmen Morrison (my marriage therapy mentor who taught me the attachment model) and her husband are doing attachment-based marriage therapy for the poor in the urban slums of Mexico City. It’s a beautiful ministry.

She’s going to devote the rest of her life to bringing this marriage model to people who desperately need it. The rates of abuse and neglect are much higher there. They have a beautiful marriage, a beautiful ministry and the heart of Jesus beats in both of them.

What is your favorite book other than the Bible and why?

Rabbi Harold Kushner’s “Overcoming Life’s Disappointments.” The story of Moses and his journey with God—some beautiful imagery of God’s desire for us to make Him our resting place. I plugged a lot of that into “Face to Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage.”

What is your most effective relationship habit?

“I would say I’m a good listener. A lot of that is how I was raised. It’s a much bigger risk for me to put my own feelings out there.”

“Through the years I’ve gotten better at being more authentic in my emotional presence—just to show up with others.”

Parting Wisdom

Remember “face-to-face t.v.” (Face-to-face time, T=touch, V=Vulnerable with one another) Try with your marriage, try with your kids, to bring in that gazing, that touch, that vulnerable sharing in any way you can.

Contact Dr. Jesse Gill:

Learn about his book, workbook, video series, or reach out to ask questions or to request him to do a workshop at your church at www.facetofacemarriage.com .

Face To Face: Seven Keys To a Secure Marriage

081 Marriage: How the Connection With Your Baby Affects Their Future Marriage – Part 1

SHOW NOTES:

Bizarre celebrity parenting techniques seem to be a popular topic in entertainment news. Practices such as “premastication”, which is a parent pre-chewing food for their children, grab headlines and raise eyebrows. Inevitably, the term “attachment parenting” is unfairly linked to the newest celebrity parenting craze.

As with any concept or belief, people can distort it from its original form. Cockeyed renderings of attachment theory aside, learning the basis of attachment theory and how it applies to our lives can be very helpful in creating healthy, functional relationships.

Today the Relationship Helpers are pleased to welcome Dr. Jesse Gill to the podcast. Dr. Gill is a Christian psychologist and author of “Face to Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage.” He uses attachment theory as a basis for helping couples overcome harmful communication and behavioral patterns creating secure, healthy marriages.

Aspects of Attachment

Dr. Gill explains how attachment theory is about bonding and how babies connect to their parents. Fifteen years ago, attachment theory began to come alive for Dr. Gill as he saw how important it was when working with couples.

Along with Dr. Carmen Morrison his mentor, Dr. Gill learned how powerfully attachment theory can be applied to broken relationships.

Attachment to Our Heavenly Father

These sacred moments that occurred in marriage counseling sessions helped him to see how attachment theory applies our relationship with our heavenly Father. Dr. Gill pored over scripture. He studied the language God uses to speak to us, to establish relationship with us.

Attachment Theory Speaks to Our Deepest Longing

We long to be connected. We long to be in relationship.

We are not alone. We’re safe, we’re protected, secure. We know this when we know God and his love for us.

Attachment Theory for Therapists, Attachment Theory for Couples

Dr. Gill’s book is helpful reading for therapists and couples alike. Therapists can use it as a tool to help prevent counter-transference; that is to prevent a therapist from bringing his or her own attachment issues into the counseling process, interfering with the progress of therapy.

Couples will benefit from the book because they can learn their attachment styles. They can see how their style influences the way they communicate, and then make the appropriate changes.

History of Attachment Theory

British psychologist Dr. Henry Bowlby is the founder of Attachment Theory. He is a pivotal figure in helping us to understand love and connection. He studied orphaned children post-World War 2.

Many European children lost their parents during the war. Bowlby wanted to learn why some people bounce back from hardships and why some people do not. Why are some people resilient and why do others struggle?

He identified that children who had significant separation from their caregivers sustained a lot of emotional damage. These children struggled with this for the rest of their lives.

He was one of the first researchers to study psychological theory in “live time.” Before, most psychologists learned through situations that occurred in the past. Bowlby studied how children handled hospitalizations in real time.

Bowlby’s Background

Bowlby’s father was the King’s physician in Great Britain, leaving Bowlby in the care of a nanny. He did not have much time or connection with his parents.

When he was four, his nanny died. This probably shaped his curiosity for studying emotional connection and relationships.

Today’s Science Corroborates With Bowlby’s Theories

Today, brain imaging technologies and brain chemistry studies back up Bowlby’s theories. He was prophetic and cutting edge in his field. We are wired for attachment.

Today’s brain imaging corroborates with Bowlby’s theories.

Parts of the brain do not grow when we do not have connection with parental support early in development. The bond we have with our parents helps to develop the “calming centers” of the brain. These calming centers then take the lead in moments when we need to cope.

If there is a disruption in our attachment with our caregiver(s), then our ability to self-soothe is hampered. The empathy centers and the verbal centers of our brains also hinge on our connection with our caregivers.

The gazing and sharing we do with our parents early on is essential to our brain development and influences how we interact with people later on.

After the fall of communism in Romania, hundreds of thousands of children were left orphans. The orphanages were overwhelmed with children and there were very few caregivers. These children did not have people holding them, looking at them, loving on them. Irreparable brain damage occurred to so many of these children because the window of time that they needed connection the most was filled.

Study of Juvenile Delinquents

In the 1950s, Bowlby studied juvenile delinquents. He compared them to children with emotional problems who had not committed crimes.

Those who committed crimes did not seem to have a conscience. Bowlby found that these children experienced profound maternal separation experiences.

Their empathy did not get created. They did not develop consciences. They did not have the capacity to think of the needs of others and were very much in survival mode.

They basically operated in fight or flight mode because the areas of their brains needed for empathy were not developed.

Study of Hospitalized Children

In 1952, Bowlby studied children during their hospitalizations. Parents, at that time, were encouraged to drop off children and leave them, during their hospital stays.

It was a misguided recommendation to prevent germs from spreading. Of course, now we see the error in traumatizing an already sick child.

Bowlby observed and videoed the children’s responses to being left at the hospital on their own. Three distinct stages occurred when they were separated from their parents: Protest, Despair, and Detachment.

Three Stages of Separation:

Protest

Protest: (Days 1-3) The child is very upset, inconsolable and angry. They are “pitching a fit”. They are displaying a lot of emotion and energy.

Despair

Despair: (Days 3-5) The child has become emotionally tired and is sad and mournful. The intensity has come down and they feel that their parents aren’t coming back.

They are more subdued. They still long for connection.

Detachment

Detachment: (Days 5-7) The child re-engages with the nursing staff, but when the parents come back, the kids are strangely detached. At this point they have become mistrustful of connection and focus on being self-sufficient.

Dr. Gill describes Proverb 13: 12, “hope deferred makes the heart sick.” These kids hearts have become self-reliant and have hardened their hearts towards others.

The Follow Up

Bowlby followed up with these children a few weeks later and found that most of the children had “perked back up”. The takeaway from this study is that if short-term separation has this short-term effect, imagine the impacts of significant separation and trauma.

Bowlby found that children that had prolonged hospital stays and/or numerous stays struggled more. They had experienced getting attached to several different caregivers only to lose those caregivers. Their hopes had been dashed often. Unlike the children with short-term stays, those with the traumatic experiences fared worse.

Bowlby learned from this study that disconnection is bad. When we feel disconnected from a loved one, we act out. Depending on how early on we are in the sequence, some of us are stuck in a protest mode, others in a despair mode, and yet others are in detachment mode.

Secure Attachment

We’re created for connection—attachment. Dr. Gill finds that there are three ingredients needed for secure attachment, denoted by “Face-To-Face TV.”

Children need “face-to-face” time with their parents. This means parents need to look into their faces and track their eyes.

The “T” is for touching them and holding them, responding to them when they are in distress, as well as cuddling with them and playing with them.

The “V” is for vulnerable sharing of emotion. These are parents that are in tune with their child’s emotions and are able to engage them on an emotional level. This means being able to identify the child’s feelings and put words to them out loud. This could sound like, “Oh, I see you’re sad right now, come here and I’ll give you a hug.”

Secure attachment is established when children receive this combination of parental involvement and caring. Children and adults need to know that they are loved and that someone “has their back.” This develops confidence, and they can face the world. They are more likely to take the necessary risks that are needed to grow.

The Strange Situation

Similar to Bowlby, Dr. Mary Ainsworth studied attachment in children. She led experiments that were more short term. These were called “The Strange Situation.”

Children with secure attachment give little protest.

She studied how children would respond to being away from their mothers in three minute bursts. A room was set up with a mother, her child and a female graduate student. The mother and child would play a few minutes and then the mother would leave.

Psychologists behind a one-way mirror observed the quality of play between the mother and child before she left, and when she returned. A certain level of protest was not uncommon in the children when their mothers left.

For the securely attached child, he had such a nice play sequence with his mother before she left that he responded by having little protest. He was able to settle back down. When she returned, he was happy to see her.

Children with insecure attachments, those who were protestors, had a different experience. Even with the mother in the room, these children were clingy and unsure that she would really be there for her.

They weren’t good when she was in the room, and they are even worse when she’s gone. It’s kind of a tug-of-war. They don’t know whether to hug her or clobber her. They don’t know where they stand consistently. They are concerned about abandonment.

Attachment In Marriage

Insecure attachment in childhood influences someone’s sense of security in adulthood. This is why learning about attachment theory is important when it comes to marriage.

Clinginess, and controlling and demanding behaviors are rooted in insecure attachments. Dr. Gill explains this is why some people don’t feel good even when they are with their loved ones. They don’t know when they will be abandoned again. Anxiety is at the core.

Protest

Protest behaviors manifest as controlling and demanding behaviors. This person may have a hard time sharing their spouse with other people, because they are afraid of being abandoned.

Detached

During the “Strange Situation” study, Ainsworth found some children who were aloof with their mothers prior to their mothers leaving and remained this way when she returned.

These children are shut down. They don’t show emotions. These children have concluded that it does not matter what they say or do – no one is going to respond.

These children have learned that they have to go it alone. They are avoiders. They do not bring their hopes and needs forward. They are internalized, low energy at times.

Secure

The gold standard is secure attachment. Unlike someone with protest tendencies, the securely attached person is able to cope with the absence of their loved one in an emotionally connected way. This is different from the detached person who copes with the absence by avoiding their feelings.

Secure attachment is in the middle of a continuum. Protest is at one end and detached at the other. Protestors are clingy, demanding controlling and are on one end of the spectrum and detached people are avoiders who are internalized, shut down and low energy. Securely attached people receive, explore and ask.

Join us next week when we talk more with Dr. Gill about how you can learn how to develop a securely attached marriage!

RESOURCES:

www.facetofacemarriage.com