Blog

SHOW NOTES:

Three inches of rain has fallen on this gloomy day.  What better atmosphere for recording our episode on CHEERFULNESS! 

Welcome to Relationship Helpers! If you are joining us for the first time, we hope you find our podcast informative and, well….helpful! Today’s episode is the third part in a series entitled, “A Better New Years Resolution.” 

Rather than focusing on external qualities, we are taking a look at what we can do to improve who we are as people. (Ironically, if you work on the character traits that we talk about in our series, you will improve the way you look from the inside-out anyway!) In the previous weeks we have talked about gentleness and friendliness, now we shift focus to being more cheerful. 

1.) Morning Daily Devotional

Start your day off on the right foot by beginning with a morning devotional.  It sets your mind on things above and puts perspective into the start of your day. It helps to get your mind set on the positive things.  This can really transform your day and help your interactions with others. Bear in mind it is a spiritual discipline, meaning that it does require your consistency and effort.

During our series, “101 Activities to Improve Depression & Anxiety” you may remember us discussing EMOTIONAL REASONING. Emotional reasoning can set the tone for the day, if you allow it. An example of emotional reasoning is if you wake up in a bad mood, you would tell yourself “Today is going to be a bad day because I woke up in a bad mood.”  

If you start with a morning devotional, you are combating emotional reasoning.  You are challenging it. It gets you on the right track.  As therapists, Vincent and Laura often assign couples and individuals daily devotionals to center them as they go about the day. 

Rather than focusing on self, we focus on God when include daily devotionals as part of our routines. It allows Him to take our burdens and to take the lead on our days.  

2.) Gratitude Journaling 

Another assignment Vincent and Laura give to clients is gratitude journaling.  It’s really hard to complain and be negative when you have a practice of identifying what you’re grateful for each day.  It is being disciplined about recognizing what is good in your life. This is great for everyone—especially those that are depressed. 

Don’t misunderstand; this is not meant to magically erase your pain and loss.  We do not intend on minimizing your suffering by suggesting gratitude journaling. We are trying to encourage you to feel motivated. 

Often those struggling with depression feel that they lack motivation. It can be hard to think positively, but if you create a practice of gratitude journaling it can help to change the way you look at things. 

Another benefit of gratitude journaling is that you can reference it when you’re feeling bad.  You can look back at what you’ve been grateful for in the past and help “reset” your mindset. It is a perspective-shifter. It helps you see how others and God have been there for you in the past. 

Prayer journaling can help too. Documenting your requests gives you a record of your pleas to God.  You can also date when and HOW they have been answered. Knowing that God hears those prayers builds us up. This really helps to further develop a cheerful spirit. 

3.) Be an Encourager, the World Has Enough Critics 

There is a lot of negative out there, especially since social media has proliferated our culture. Interestingly, statistics show that positive memes get more shares than the negative ones. 

Vincent mentions that sometimes his homework for his male clients is to stop watching the news so much. This also applies to talk radio. When you bombard yourself daily with this negativity, it influences you.  

How can we encourage others? Focus on what is good.  Talk about what God is doing in your life. Ask others how He is working in their lives. Don’t forget, the gospel means the good news!  

4.) Conquer “Emotional Reasoning” & Catastrophizing By Enacting the Authority To Make Your Day Cheerful Or Good

Recognize the negativity in your life. Put it in God’s hands. Take each day one day at a time.  Don’t get so consumed about yesterday or the future. 

Be in the present.  Be attuned to what is happening in the moment. Pay attention to your five senses.  Slow yourself down by noticing these things. You’re better able to be present with others and pay attention to their social cues, body language and what they are saying if you’re not focused on your worries. 

Vincent mentions how being a parent has taught him the importance of being in the moment.  Even his nineteen month old knows when you are not in the moment. 

We have a tendency to be self-focused, which leads us to be disengaged from everyone else.  Laura talks about how many people have the misconception that their lives are the worst.  When they think this way, they cut themselves off from other people. 

This usually means that they prevent themselves from engaging with people that would benefit from being with them and who may even be “worse off” than they are. This is a trap that Satan has created.  It serves to alienate and isolate. Once this is achieved, Satan can really use us. It shuts us off from our spouses, kids, family, and co-workers and damages these relationships. 

Being in the moment with people means that you’re better able to communicate with others because you NOTICE what they are saying. You’re not focusing on your past or future and how bad you have it. 

5.) “Formula for Making Any Day Good”

In Norman Vincent Peale’s book “Enthusiasm Makes the Difference”, Dr. Peale shares a formula for improving your day. 

   1. Think a good day. To make a day good, first see it good in consciousness. Do not allow any mental reservation that it will not be good. Events are largely governed by creative thought, so a positive concept of the day will strongly tend to condition it to be as imagined.

   2.Thank a good day. Give thanks in advance for the good day ahead. Thank and affirm a good day. This helps make it so. (See gratitude journaling above.)

   3. Plan a good day. Specifically and definitely know what you propose to do with the day. Plan your work and work your plan.

   4. Put good into the day. Put bad thoughts, bad attitudes, bad actions into a day and it will take on bad characteristics. Put good thoughts, good attitudes, good actions into a day and they will make the day good.

   5. Pray a good day. Begin each day with that powerful affirmation from Psalm 118:34: “This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.” Start the day with prayer and finish it the same way. Then it is bound to be good even if it brings tough experiences.

   6. Fill the day with enthusiasm. Give the day all you’ve got and it will give you all it’s got, which will be plenty. Enthusiasm will make a big difference in any day and in any job.

A Smile Study

In 1988, Fritz Strack performed a study where participants were told to put a pencil in their mouth while they rated how funny cartoons were. Some were told to bite on the pencil which caused them to smile and others were told not to bite on it which caused them to frown.

Because of the mechanics of our faces, we naturally smile when biting on a pencil and we naturally frown when we hold a pencil in our lips.  The study found that those told to bite the pencil were more likely to find the cartoon funny, whereas those told to hold the pencil in their lips found the cartoons less humorous. 

This speaks to the fake-it-til-you-make-it concept. There may be some science to back it up. The takeaway from this is that there very well could be a brain-face connection that we need to consider.  When you’re thinking about improving your level of cheerfulness, think about what you do with your face and how it influences your mood and how it can influence others. 

Cheerfulness Quotes

“Cheerfulness, in most cheerful people, is the rich and satisfying result of strenuous discipline.”  – Edwin Percy Whipple

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”  -Victor Borge

“A joyful heart is good medicine…”  Proverbs 17:22

Conclusion

We hope that you resolve to be a more cheerful person.  As Proverbs 17 says, “A joyful heart is good medicine.”  It is a health matter!

Cheerfulness is contagious.  If you start out cheerful, others feed off of that and reciprocate.  It lifts the mood and the atmosphere. 

Being cheerful makes a great first impression. Many people want to change the world.  It starts with what you do with yourself.

The so-called mundane interactions we have with others do not have to be so. This means when you are in the check-out line, you can smile at the associate.  You may be the only smile they see today.

SHOW NOTES:

Welcome to the second episode of our series “A Better New Years Resolution!”  Last week’s episode encouraged becoming gentler people.  As you may have guessed, we’re not focusing on the typical weight loss resolutions that we find at the turn of the year. 

Instead, we are more interested in internal changes that last. These changes can change us from the inside out AND can impact our health!

Friendliness: Your Smile May Be The Only Smile Someone Sees Today

Today’s topic is about being friendly and how that can impact your life and make a better you and better relationships, too.  Audrey Hepburn said, “Happy girls are the prettiest.” We put a kind of energy out there.  People are attracted to that energy, that happiness. People want a part of that.  Audrey Hepburn was an introvert, but also a humanitarian with a great big heart.  Marilyn Monroe said, “The best makeup a woman can wear is a smile.” This just reiterates that we can be at our best when we smile. 

If you want to be friendly, you need to smile.  Make a habit of it. Smile at yourself in the morning.  Smile to your spouse, dog, your kids, your co-workers, to others you pass on the street.

How Do I Become More Friendly?

1. Acknowledge Others’ Presence

This could be as small as giving someone a smile when you walk past them.  Looking down, averting your eyes, is alienating to others and can be a subtle way of putting them down.

Of course, we only suggest this at your discretion in safe situations. 

2. Ask Questions

If you are seated in a safe place, such as a waiting room or church, and you are waiting, ask them questions about themselves. In “How To Win Friends and Influence People,” Dale Carnegie points out that people love to talk about themselves. 

You are engaging someone when you ask them questions. Don’t discount the importance of small talk.  Often people who are good at making small talk are also good at making friends. If you’re not available to develop the skills of making small talk and greeting and speaking to others, you will probably struggle with the deeper talk. 

An even greater skill is empathy.  Showing someone that you understand them goes far in developing relationships.  Be sure to check out last week’s episode on gentleness to get some pointers on becoming more empathic. 

An example of using empathy would be this:  You’ve run into a friend while you’re out shopping and you ask them how they have been.  They say they had the flu last week.  You respond with, “That’s rough.  I know that would be difficult with having three kids at home and a job.”

This empathic because you have connected what they have said with their life.  They feel heard and understood. 

3. Initiate Conversations

Being able to initiate conversations is a valuable tool. Social anxiety sufferers struggle with making this step in conversation, but it is a very good exercise to practice. 

Laura calls anxiety “the monster in your head.”  You can feed the monster by not doing what you need to do—in this instance avoiding conversations or initiating conversations continues to feed the monster.

Unfortunately, technology has encouraged social anxiety as we have an easy out by staring at our phone instead of engaging people in face-to-face conversations. Don’t be mislead into thinking you have a lot of friends because you have a lot of followers on social media.  These, for the most part, aren’t true relationships. 

4. Give Compliments

We are not suggesting being a flatterer or disingenuous, but if you honestly like someone’s jacket, TELL THEM!

Compliments don’t have to be about someone’s appearance, they can also be comments such as “I really like how you helped Sally, that was so helpful, so thoughtful.”  Compliments can be about a person’s character. 

5. Include Others

Invite others into conversation or to sit with you. It is not unusual to show up early to church or a meeting at work our school and find people scattered about—as if they are intentionally sitting to themselves. They are not mingling. 

Rather than waiting for someone else to be the initiator, do it yourself. Try to get people together—especially if you see someone new. 

Some schools have implemented “the buddy bench” as a way for kids to be inclusive.  There are designated benches that if someone is sitting on them, it means that they would like someone to sit with them. 

There is also an app that will pair people together in the lunch room at school if you’re feeling lonely and want to sit with someone. 

6. Sit Next to Someone 

To reiterate today’s message, if you see someone who is alone, and you’re in a safe place, such as at the church covered dish, sit with them.  This is a great way to help new people feel included. 

Friendliness Quotes

William Shakespeare: “I’m wealthy in my friends.” 

Yiddish Proverb: “Make new friends, but don’t forget the old ones.”

Robert Louis Stevenson:  “A friend is a gift you give yourself.”

Conclusion

We hope today’s episode encourages you to seek out people and to start new conversations.  If you feel unsure of implementing some of these, just pick one and start out small.

This may mean smiling at a passer-by in the grocery store. If you’ve never done that before, it’s a great start! Join us next week as we talk about how to be more cheerful.

SHOW NOTES:

The message of transformation is unavoidable at the turn of a new year. Magazines, social media and tv blare the newest weight loss challenges. Many people see this time as a time for change—often for external results.  (Listen to Laura’s episode 19 “Why I Don’t Like Before & Photos for some encouragement!)

Working On The New Self

In the spirit of New Years resolutions, Relationship Helpers made the decision to go deeper than the surface and to look at how we can make INTERNAL changes. Rather than focusing on fleeting things such as how we look and our weight, we will look at transformations from the inside-out.  These changes can impact our lives for the rest of our lives. 

We are not discouraging healthy habits, but we are looking at health from a different perspective.  The changes we are suggesting today CAN improve our physical health via working on our psychological and emotional health. 

Resolutions such as weight loss are quantifiable. The resolutions we will be suggesting are not.  In Corinthians we are told to put off our old self and take on our new self as Christians. 

You may have heard people excuse poor behavior with, “That’s just the way I am…that’s my personality.”  When someone makes this statement, it is an excuse not to make efforts for change. Some people believe that their personality is innate and unchangeable. This is a misguided idea. 

Dr. Rolo May said, “Your personality means the aspect of yourself which makes you effective in life.  It is evident that there are two aspects of effectiveness in individuality.  First, how do you affect or stimulate others?  This is your stimulation value.  Second, how do others affect you? How do you respond to others? That is your response aspect of value. Put these together and that is virtually your personality.” Personality is a relational thing. 

New Series: “A Better New Year’s Resolution”

Our series “A Better New Years Resolution” is all about moving towards better relationship. We have established eight areas in which someone can improve their personality, with the byproduct of improved relationships. You can change your personality, it is just a matter or willingness and effort.  For the next eight weeks we will highlight a favorable character trait and talk about how to acquire it. 

This series was borne out of our last series, “Eight Warning Signs You Might Need to Break Up.”  As we discussed personality traits and red flags during that series, it led us to want to do a series on how people should interact with other people—not just in romantic relationships. 

Gentleness

Our first character trait that we will discuss is gentleness.

1. How You Talk to People

Using “I” statements instead of YOU statements is a much gentler way of talking to others. As therapists we often see break downs in communication. Using “you” statements many times is to blame. They elicit a defensive response.

Saying “I felt hurt when you didn’t call me…I was sad when you decided to do…” You’re taking responsibility for your feelings.  You’re not saying “You did this to me.” It’s much more gentle to use “I statements” with others than to use “You statements.” 

Compare these statements to “You never listen to me.” “You’re always on your phone, instead of listening to me.”  These are harmful statements. 

The “I Statement” Formula

Using “I statements” means saying “I feel (insert feeling word) when you…,”  NOT “I feel you don’t care about me” this is a judgment. Be careful not to say, “I feel you don’t care about me.” 

Examples of positive I statements:  “I was hurt, sad, happy, upset, scared, etc. when you…” or “I feel unloved when…”

2. Does Not Mean That You Are a Doormat

Being gentle does not mean that you are passive.  You can be direct and assertive with others and be gentle. Using the “I statements mentioned above is actually gentle BECAUSE you are communicating clearly.  You are not avoiding confrontation. 

We can look to historical figures, particularly some of our founding fathers, as models of tactful assertiveness.  Laura mentions how George Washington was able to admonish officers who betrayed him via letters. He was able to maintain civil relationships with these people, even though their behaviors were abhorrent.

Laura and Vincent recommend reading biographies of such successful historical figures, as we can learn so much about how to interact with others through their experiences.        

3. Empathy

Your body language and how you show another person that you are trying to understand is helpful. You are showing them, not telling them, that you understand. Cloud and Townsend, authors of “Boundaries” said, “Listening has occurred only when the other person understands you understand.”

Laura mentions that as therapists, she and Vincent are kind of like “the understanding police.” It is not unusual for a spouse in couples therapy to not recognize that their partner does not understand.  It’s the therapist job to point that out and help them work to better understand one another. 

That often means teaching clients to “summarize” what the other person is saying.  This does not mean repeating their words back to them verbatim, but using feeling words to show that they are trying to understand how their spouse feels.

4. Don’t Have Such Unrealistic Expectations For Others and Self

Allow others and yourself to fail. People often have unrealistic expectations in their minds, but they have not expressed them until it is too late. When people don’t meet this unmet expectation, the person holding onto that unspoken expectation ends up angry or upset over it. 

When you are learning something or a new skill, you have to fail or make mistakes to learn it well. When you try and “fail”, you actually learn a lot more about how to do the skill correctly. You learn the limits the limits of what you can do. You learn what not to do which is extremely important.

Good teachers are comfortable allowing their students or trainees to fail. They realize that failing is a great way to learn.

5. Work On Your Face

Vincent mentions that men often need to work more on gentleness. It’s been his experience that many men don’t recognize the need for gentleness and/or how harsh they really are.  Laura finds that many men don’t realize the benefits of being gentle.

They may actually be able to get what they want from relationships IF they used gentleness. Some men don’t recognize that it may not be helpful to speak to women and children the same way as they speak to other men. 

Stay mindful of what your face says.  Keep your muscles relaxed. Be aware of your body language.  Watch your forehead. Don’t bunch it up severely. 

Pay attention to your eyes. Bulging and/or glaring eyes are intimidating and are not helpful when you are trying to be a gentle communicator. 

6. Speak Softly

Presidents have a very serious job.  They have to be diplomatic and create treaties.  President Theodore Roosevelt said, “Speak softly but carry a big stick, and you will go far.” He was borrowing from a West African proverb. One example of Roosevelt’s diplomacy was when he aided in bringing an end to the Russio-Japanese war. 

Vincent feels that gentleness is actually the definition of meek.  Drawing upon the Bible, we learn that a person who is meek is a person who is strong but has been placed in a position of weakness where they have persevered and have not given up. It doesn’t mean they are weak.  They choose not to hurt others by exerting the power they could use.  

Vincent uses the example of a tamed tiger.  The tiger is powerful, but it is not using its power – it is disciplined.  Meek does not mean weak. 

Look how Jesus handled the wedding feast.  At that point he had not displayed his power to anyone.  He was asked by his mother to produce more wine, as the wedding party had run out of it. He was not a “magician” who performed tricks.  Look to how Jesus handles situations as a model for meekness. 

A few verses to consider:  “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth (Matthew 5:5).

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” Proverbs 15:4.

Don’t Lose Your Empathy During Confrontation

Also important to consider is that just because you are walking into a situation where you need to confront someone, does not mean that the other person is aware of it. Sometimes we lose our nerve due to fear of confrontation, and when we let our fears take hold, it inhibits our ability to communicate well.  This often results in behaving defensive and lacking in empathy.  

If you walk in with a gentle, direct way about you, you may walk a person through a confrontation without the other person even realizing that were being confronted. 

We hope you feel encouraged to be more gentle with yourself and others after listening to today’s show!