Category: Marriage

SHOW NOTES:

Welcome to Relationship Helpers! We are in our third week of “How To Support a Spouse…” Each week we are taking a look at a different mental health or relational issue that causes spouses to struggle in their marriage. 

We’ve already examined what you can do for a spouse with PTSD and how you can support a spouse with anxiety or OCD.  This week we are going to focus on what to do if your spouse comes from a toxic family.

Toxic In-Laws!

In episode 068, we discuss what to do if you are dating someone whose family is toxic.  Be sure to check out that episode as well because we highlight some red flags that are areas of concern. 

As marriage therapists, Vincent and Laura often encounter couples who do not know how to deal with their in-laws. 

What does “toxic” actually mean?

Toxic is an umbrella term that is used to describe someone who may be codependent or lack boundaries.  They may be emotionally abusive or have an addiction. 

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

1.) Excessive Communication—If your spouse’s family calls them on a daily basis (with some exceptions), there is a strong likelihood that they are toxic. Parents, siblings, etc. need friendships outside of their relationship with your significant other.  They may be getting the emotional support they need from your spouse rather than friends. 

2.) Emotional Abuse—Does your spouse’s parents put him down? 

3.) Enabling—Does your spouses’s parents make life too easy for him?  Do they prevent your spouse from being responsible for themselves?  If so, they are sending the message that your spouse is incapable of providing for himself. 

4.) Conditional love—Does your spouse only feel loved when they perform a certain way for his parents?  Does your spouse’s parents only seem happy when they are getting something from your spouse?   

5.) Too Needy—Do the parents/siblings have to be bailed out by your spouse? 

6.) Alcoholism/Substance Abuse/Other Addictions—Finances are a common point of contention in marriage.  Does your spouse have a family member who asks for money? Is your spouse bank-rolling a family member’s addiction? Addictions take all shapes and sizes from workaholism to gaming to gambling to shopping. 

7.) Anger Management Issues—Does your spouse have a family member that rages? Or does he come from a family that does not have productive conflict? 

8.) Excessive Guilt—Find yourselves being sent on guilt trips by his family?

5 Things You Can Do To Help Your Spouse That Comes From a Toxic Family

1.) Give a Gentle Observations

When you talk about your spouse’s family, avoid saying harsh “you” statements. Don’t be accusatory. Your spouse has decades of experience with their family and may be sensitive to your comments.  They could be enmeshed in the toxicity.

They may be in a lot of denial.  You will have to gently navigate them through it. Use “I” statements such as “I’ve noticed that…”

Proceed with your observations with caution, as we are more likely to see failings of others rather than our own.  In other words, we may see problems in our spouse’s family before we see problems in our own.  Much like what Jesus was saying about the speck and the log in Matthew 7: 3-5.

2.) Discuss Healthy Boundaries

Once you have made the gentle observations, its time to figure out what you’re going to do to about it. This means creating boundaries for yourself, for each individual, and for your marriage.  If you have children, you are going to want boundaries that protect them from inappropriate behavior.  

One boundary may be how often you visit with family or if you even visit them at all. A question to consider may be where should you visit them.  Would neutral territory, such as a restaurant or a park be a safer choice? 

For the family where alcoholism is an issue, it may be healthier to meet away from the family home so that the alcoholic does not have easy access to alcohol. This may mean going to a park. Alcoholics often have built in defenses where they hide their alcohol at home.

When a spouse has needy parents, meeting them away from their home can shift the power differential, leaving them less likely to be able to guilt you about something that needs to be done at their home.

If you feel a guilt trip coming on while at their parent’s home, it may be helpful to postpone their requests by saying “We need to leave now, we can come back at _______ time to do __________.”  This way you are not dismissing them, but you are also not giving into their demands immediately. 

3.)  Discussing Healthy Ways of Communicating the Boundaries and Follow-Through 

Once you’ve figured out what boundaries you’d like to have, it’s important to talk about how you will communicate your boundaries. Your talk with your spouse could sound like, “Maybe if we talk this way, if we say this thing, it would be helpful in these situations.” 

It’s important to talk these things out—don’t assume you know exactly what your spouse wants. In the case of over-communication between family and spouse, it will be important to protect your marriage. 

Some people think that telling their family everything is good, but it actually is NOT. If your spouse’s family wants to talk about your sex life or about your shortcomings, it only serves to blur the lines in your relationship and is not healthy. 

Now that you’ve thought about boundaries and talked them over with your spouse, it’s time to figure out the consequences of someone over-stepping a boundary. Remember, being assertive is a process. It’s not just laying out the boundaries once, and expecting conflict to be over.  It is communicating the boundary over time and following through with the consequences of not heeding it. It’s an ongoing process. 

Guilt Trip Example

Handling guilt trips could sound like this, “Mom, I appreciate that you want to spend time with me, and I enjoy our time together, however, when you continually say that I never come to see you, or lay guilt trips on me, it’s harmful to our relationship.” 

“Next time that you do that, I’m going to mention that it is harmful to our relationship. I know you want us to have a healthy relationship, as well. I feel that’s the best way to address it. I want us to have a good time together.”  (Learn more about handling guilt trips here—“How to Navigate a Guilt Trip.”)

Aggressive Parent Example

When you speak this way, you are aligning with the other person and they are more likely to receive what you are saying well. If you are in a situation where you have a parent who rages, you could say, “Dad, I appreciate it that you have concern for us, however, it is unhealthy and it angers me when you get loud, or start putting me down. Next time that you yell or get aggressive, I’m going to hang up because I don’t want this pattern to continue.”

“I want us to have a healthy relationship.  I want you to know that just because I hang up the phone or walk away, it does not meant I’m walking away from our relationship. I’m doing this because I love you and want to have a good relationship with you. I feel like that’s what you want as well.” 

4.) Allow Your Spouse to Take the Lead In Asserting Boundaries, When Possible

It is healthy for you to set the boundaries with your family and your spouse to set the boundaries with their family.

You may have to gently encourage your spouse to assert the boundaries. Help them see what they want.

If you’re so different from their family of origin, you may add some different perspective that helps them see that not everyone’s family operates the way yours does, and that’s not a bad thing. They may see that things don’t have to be the way they were. 

5.) Encourage Them to Have Healthy Friendships

Having healthy friendships will allow your spouse to look at their family from a fresh, healthy perspective.  More than likely they will see the difference in how their family operates versus a healthy family. 

They may see that the way their family does things is not the only way. 

SHOW NOTES

Welcome to Relationship Helpers!  If this is your first time joining us, we’re so glad you’ve found us.  Today’s episode marks the second in an eight week series on “How to Support a Spouse With…”.

Each week therapists, the husband and wife team Vincent and Laura discuss how you can support your spouse.  Topics range from mental health conditions such as depression, to behaviors like alcoholism, to relational issues such as having a toxic family of origin. 

Anxiety/OCD

Today we are offering tips on how to help a spouse with anxiety or OCD. If you find that your spouse is agonizing over something to the point that they are not able to function at performing home, work, or personal tasks, they may be suffering from an anxiety disorder.

If this behavior is affecting their personal relationships that is also a clue that they may be suffering from an anxiety disorder. The Relationship Helpers take a look today at what you can do to help them. 

1.) Do NOT Send the Message That Your Spouse is Crazy

Unfortunately many spouses tell their significant others that they are “crazy”.  Others may not literally say “you’re crazy” but they imply it.  Regardless of whether you say it or imply it, the message that it sends is that they are a problem. 

The harsher you come across, it ingrains the label into the spouse.  More than likely there is some emotional abuse going on if a spouse calls the other “crazy.” Stop it.  You’re making the cycle worse.  

Saying “you’re crazy” very well could be coming out of your anger and frustration.  Your hands probably feel tied in the situation, but calling your partner crazy will only make the situation much worse and build resentment in your marriage. 

If you’re struggling with not knowing how to cope with the anger and frustration, a trusted therapist can guide you and your spouse into a healthier pattern of communication that does not berate the spouse with anxiety.  A therapist can also teach both of you how to cope with the anxiety symptoms. 

2.) Create An Open Dialogue About It Using Gentle Observations

If you are struggling with how to initiate the conversation about your spouse’s anxiety, try this:  “I’ve noticed that when…”, “tell me more about that…”. This can act as a formula that you use to broach the subject. 

An example would be “I’ve noticed that when we get around my family you become irritable, tell me more about what’s going on there.”  Another would be:  “I’ve noticed that when you are driving you seem to wait pretty long before you make a turn, then you make the turn at the last moment. Tell me more about that.” 

Anxiety can be more apparent surrounding driving because of the immediacy of the process of driving.  You have to make quick decisions. The second-guessing and avoiding of driving-related anxiety is easier to notice. 

When you make your observation about them be careful NOT to say “You always…”. You statements only rouse defensiveness.  Be careful not to come across with a critical tone.  Being gentle with your observation will take you further in trying to break the cycle of anxiety in your spouse. 

3.) Acknowledge The Cycle & Your Role In It

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is marked by a cycle of obsession, compulsion, momentary relief from the obsession and then the cycle starts over. Many times the spouse of the anxiety or OCD suffers gets sucked into this unhealthy cycle.  He or she may be trying to make the situation better, but actually makes it worse.  

Popular culture has portrayed OCD at a surface level, but what is it?  From a clinical standpoint, OCD is an anxiety condition marked by beliefs or fears that are compensated for by a compulsion or behavior—something that is done to ameliorate the fear. The compulsion is an unhealthy way of coping with the fear. The compulsive behavior is a short-term solution to a long-term problem. It’s only a momentary fix. 

Germ Fears

An example of the OCD cycle with someone struggling with fear of germs could look like the following: 

OBSESSION: The thought/fear of getting sick or dying. 

COMPULSION:  Excessive hand washing, sanitizing and frequent or prolonged baths. There is momentary relief and then the obsession cycles back around.

It’s not unusual for other people to get sucked into the cycle.  They often attempt to try make the person feel better by entertaining the sufferer’s compulsion, in other words they enable the fear. 

With a germaphobe spouse, the other spouse may go along with it. They may allow that person to spend 30 minutes in the bath.  They may just not say anything about it, even if it inconveniences them or puts them in a financial crunch because the water bill is high. 

Be aware that people who suffer from anxiety and OCD often struggle with negative self-talk.  For the person who has difficulty driving, they likely believe that they are a bad driver or incapable of making adequate driving maneuvers. This negative self-talk reinforces the cycle of OCD or anxiety. 

How can a spouse unwittingly play into this cycle? In the driving example, the other spouse may just decide to do the driving for them so as to avoid having to deal with the ordeal that happens when their spouse drives, rather than addressing the issue at hand. It’s the easy way out.  Again, we have a short term solution to a long term problem.  This is unhealthy and feeds the fear. 

School Refusal

Another example of the anxiety cycle is school refusal behavior. This is a situation where a child does not want to go to school and either pitches a fit or says that they don’t feel well to get out of school.

Sometimes this behavior is the result of a fear.  That fear could be of getting sick at school or being embarrassed at school. They try to avoid school to avoid confronting the fear.  Often the parent and school is complicit in the cycle of fear by sending the child home from school, instead of encouraging them to stay.

Here’s what the cycle looks like: 

OBSESSION:  “I’m afraid I’m going to get sick.”

COMPULSION: Make it almost physically impossible to get me inside the school. The parent then gives in and keeps them home. (This reinforces the fear because the child is not challenged to face their fear.) 

4) Setting Boundaries So That You Don’t Get Caught Up in the Cycle

Using the school refusal example above, we take a look at how to successfully create and follow through with a boundary; when your child says they do not feel well, you take this moment to use a GENTLE OBSERVATION:  “I’ve noticed that when it’s time to go to school you do everything you can to get out of going. Tell me more about that…”

The child gives an answer.  Then the parent responds with THE BOUNDARY:  “You’re a strong kid who is able to handle school.  We’re going to go to school now.”  Then the parent takes the child to school and does not look back.  

When a parent does this it sends the message that the parent is confident in the child.  If a parent gives in to the child’s protestations then the parent is sending the message that he is not confident in his child. It’s important to note that when a parent has negative thoughts and anxiety it can spread to the child.  If the parent has worry surrounding the child, then the child will feed off of it and become more anxious.

Clean Freak 

If your spouse is a housecleaning perfectionist, you’ll find that he or she may clean and tidy to the point of missing out on timely activities because they have to get their house just right.  This is to the detriment of the family. 

It sends the message that they would rather be cleaning than spending time with family and may also send the message that the family’s efforts at cleaning are not good enough. This can be a recipe for disaster for your family. 

One problem that we find happening in families is that the perfectionist parent does all of the chores for everyone, and the children do not grow up learning how to do household tasks. Another concern is that children grow up overly criticized when they do attempt housework and develop negative self-talk that makes them second guess themselves.  

An example of creating a boundary here would be “I’ve noticed that on game night when we are supposed to start playing at 6:30, you’re still straightening up at 6:35. The kids aren’t able to play with us as long as they could before bath time. We’re going to go ahead with our plans regardless of whether or not you are cleaning at 6:30.”  When you tell them this boundary, you follow through with it—don’t bend to their fear or protests. 

Another boundary in this situation is telling them that you are going to help them with the cleaning tasks.  Many times perfectionist housecleaners won’t let others help them.

Telling them you’re going to do it challenges their obsession.  It takes some of their control away.  Doing this can change the dynamic in the home. 

5.)  Encourage Them To Use Healthy Coping Skills

Educate yourself about different ways to help someone experiencing anxiety attacks. Learn about the cycle of OCD. Be sure to check out episode 011 where we talk about anxiety and panic attacks and how to cope with different calming techniques.

One such coping skill is called “grounding.”  Grounding techniques can be used in the more extreme situations.  Anxiety is often a fear of what is going to happen in the future—the “what ifs?”  Grounding exercises forces the anxiety sufferer to focus back on the here-and-now and the safety of what is around them.  

As the supportive spouse, it will be helpful for you to re-direct them with what’s going on right now. Engage them with what is going on around them.  What do they hear, see, smell, taste, touch? Unless they are undergoing something painful and frightening in the moment, the grounding exercise will help them feel safe. 

Singing praise songs and encouraging them to think about what God has provided them with are other healthy coping skills to pull out of your tool box when they are struggling. 

If you are dealing with early signs that they are anxious, you can help them to challenge unhelpful thinking habits. First, help them to recognize the unhelpful thinking habit.  Then challenge it.  For example, “What is the worst thing that would happen if you vacuumed for ten minutes instead of fifteen?”

Another thing you can do is to help your spouse remember what has happened in the past. It can be difficult for a person in the throes of an anxiety attack to remember their coping skills.   If there has been a particular way that they coped in the past that was healthy and helpful, remind them.  

6.) Encourage Them To Talk With Someone Else

Individual or couples counseling may help you to learn healthier ways of managing anxiety in your marriage. The counselor can help you and your spouse understand where the fear comes from, to acknowledge it, and to cope with it. 

Therapists can be helpful, but other people can be as well.  Hearing other people’s perspectives can help the anxiety sufferer to challenge unhelpful thinking habits. Healthy friendships are an important part of who we are as people and can help us to avoid isolation, which typically reinforces unhelpful thinking habits. 

Vincent mentions how when you open up to someone, bringing your issues to the light, they begin to lose their power over you. 

SHOW NOTES:

Disclaimer:  Today’s topic is sensitive in nature.  We will be discussing topics that may be difficult for some listeners regarding trauma and things that elicit very emotional responses. Listen at your discretion. 

“How To Support Your Spouse…” Series 

Welcome to our new series, “How to Support Your Spouse…” For the next seven weeks we will focus on how you can help your spouse through trauma issues, anxiety/OCD, toxic family relationships, alcoholism/substance abuse issues, addictions, anger issues, and grief/loss.

Each week we will offer tips on how to offer support for a struggling spouse while maintaining healthy boundaries through each issue.

How To Support A Traumatized Spouse Introduction

Today’s topic is near and dear to our hearts. We are approaching our discussion from two angles; we’re both therapists who work with trauma survivors and we have had to cope with PTSD in our own marriage.

Vincent supported Laura as she recovered from PTSD. Laura experienced delayed-onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) around the time she married Vincent.  A gynecological trauma from childhood led to medical and sexual triggers that made the first few years of our marriage very difficult. In effect, Laura struggled with being in any medical setting and had difficulty with sex. 

How PTSD Works

When someone suffers from PTSD they can experience nightmares, hyper-vigilance (extreme safety monitoring to prevent things from harming you), and over-stimulation (hypersensitivity to the five senses).

Laura was in throes of severe PTSD, when they got married. Laura went through years of therapy, which was very helpful and motivated her to become a therapist. 

Supporters

She has been able to overcome the trauma through the support of Vincent, family, and a therapist.  She has been able to see God’s role in her healing and recovery, which was an integral part very early in the therapeutic process.

She wants today’s message to offer hope for those coping with trauma and to see that recovery is possible. If you are the spouse of someone struggling with a trauma history, you can play a very important role in supporting them through recovery. 

Triggers

For an in-depth look at understanding triggers check out last week’s episode, “What Are Triggers?” 

For Laura, there were many triggers.  Hospitals, sex, TV shows, tight spaces, even benign things like temperature and light could produce a flashback. Vincent witnessed many of her flashbacks.  He felt like she was in a whole other world.

Panic attacks would result from seemingly small things.  It is important to understand that when you are married to someone with PTSD, things that appear to be “normal” can be anything but for the survivor. Having an awareness of your spouse’s triggers is key. 

Laura’s flashbacks were so intense that she was having pseudo-hallucinations due to the hyperstimulation of PTSD. These episodes left her hysterical, in the fetal position. At times she would physically hurt herself during these attacks. Thankfully, she is well on the other side of recovery from such intense flashbacks. 

Laura Today 

The things that would once send Laura into hysterical flashbacks now hold much less power.  Recently she faced an emergency c-section, which would have been unthinkable during her early years of PTSD. 

She wants others to see her example as someone who is not trapped, there is hope and recovery.  You do not have to be a slave to it. 

How YOU Can Support Your Spouse

1.) Patience

Don’t expect too much from the survivor. Learn to not “react” to the person who has been traumatized. You may see your significant other behave out of character, but the best thing you can do is to slow yourself down and begin to think about what is happening before you speak.

Bring your awareness to the here and now. Be present. Doing this will allow you to see that what is happening is not your fault and is actually something that is outside of your relationship. 

Develop a trauma awareness.  You may be in a relationship with someone who has been traumatized and not realize it.  The traumatized person may not even realize it—they may be ignorant of it, in denial or have a delayed-onset, like Laura. 

If you’re dealing with someone who is irritable, cranky, difficult, depressed, anxious, they may have experienced a trauma and are having difficulty coping. Being patient and gaining understanding will be very important. 

Laura and Vincent recognize how easily their marriage could have ended due to the difficulties they faced from the PTSD. There were times even on the honeymoon where Laura was trying to escape and did not want to talk about it.

Fortunately, Vincent came into the relationship with some perspective.  God had prepared him.  For years prior to their first meeting, Vincent read the Bible a lot, along with plenty of Christian living books.

Vincent had been drawn to some old books that had belonged to his grandparents.  He did not have an opportunity to get to know them, as his grandfather passed before Vincent was born, and his grandmother died during his childhood.  He felt led to read these books.

He read books by James Dobson and Norman Vincent Peale. Then he sought out books by Drs. Cloud and Townsend and Dr. Daniel Clarke. At the time, he did not realize he was reading counseling books. These would be preparing his heart for marriage AND counseling. 

2.) Gain Understanding

Vincent had already learned a few things before he learned Laura had PTSD. When Laura received the diagnosis, they started reading books on trauma in earnest. 

It helped Vincent to understand that Laura may have been getting mad, but that it was not because of him.  He was able to deflect a lot of the anger and find strength from God, rather than looking to Laura with a label, and calling her mean and bad. 

There were times where Vincent struggled.  He wondered if he could leave Laura at home when he went to work.  Her safety was in question. She was pushing him away, telling him to divorce her. 

Vincent did not enter into the marriage thinking that getting married would make things perfect. Vincent had the mindset that you get married, you stay married. Years of reading and leading Bible studies had prepared his heart for the challenges ahead. 

These books are helpful in working through trauma:  The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. (A Christian counseling classic.) Restoring the Shattered Self by Healther Gingrich. (A book on complex PTSD.)  Suffering and the Heart of God:  How Trauma Destroys & Christ Restores by Diane Langberg. (Dr. Langberg is an expert in trauma and spiritual formation.)

Listen to our last episode “What Are Triggers?” to gain a better understanding of triggers and flashbacks.  

3.) Learn Your Spouse’s Triggers

Our last podcast episode, “What Are Triggers?”  is a good starting place to help you better understand what to be on the lookout for when you are trying to help your spouse. 

Your spouse could be experiencing any number of triggers, anything from anniversary triggers to environmental. Be aware that you may be contributing to the triggers. 

Laura struggled with things that Vincent would say. He could be saying something relatively benign, but Laura would take it like he was trying to hurt her. 

Vincent suggests spouses learn to step back, talk about it and pray about it.

4.) Prayer

When we enter into trying to understand trauma, it’s like entering into a war zone.  There are all of these hidden booby traps and things that if you step on them, it’s like two steps forward, three steps back. It’s a delicate matter. You may be setting the triggers off whilst trying to understand the trauma. 

Understand that you may need to get worse to get better. Being patient and steady through it will go a long way. Don’t ask, “how long?” Vincent would often ask himself “how long will we be going through this?”  but did not ask Laura this. 

For Laura, one of the most healing parts of the therapeutic process was “putting” Jesus at the scene of the trauma.  It’s not that He wasn’t already there, but trauma can make you forget it. 

Early in therapy, she was able to recognize Him as a presence during the trauma and to also understand that He bore immeasurable pain for us all. He took on everyone’s pain. It lent perspective into her trauma situation and helped her to recover. 

For Vincent, the promises made through his wedding vows guided him through the pain. If being married meant being with Laura through 45 minutes of being hysterical in the fetal position, that’s what he would do. The question of “will this last five years?  Ten years?  Til death?” may have entered his mind, but it did not last that long.  

At times we felt like we were living a horror movie—this was not wedded bliss. We had to undergo extreme odds, but we persisted and our marriage is all the more stronger.  Laura’s therapist pointed out that our marriage had to survive trials that don’t normally occur early in a marriage and that we weathered through it.  

Vincent did not make decisions on how he felt, instead, He depended on God. In those intense, horrific moments its hard to see that there is light on the other side of this.  There’s hope.

If you are noticing some red flags while reading/hearing this, seek strong, Christian counsel. Seek out someone who is trustworthy. Someone that has been vetted out that can come alongside you and help you see that you are not stuck.

Don’t entertain the thought “how long will this last?” as it is a question that many clients get caught up on. It’s asking the wrong question.  Better questions are:   are you committed to this person?  Are committed to this marriage?  Are you committed to your recovery?  Are you committed to God?

5.) Learn coping/relaxation skills to practice with spouse

Being a supportive spouse means helping your spouse to remember their coping skills. This means learning those skills yourself for those moments where the traumatized spouse is struggling. 

Help them practice these coping skills when they are in the throes of panic attacks. Help them get grounded. Grounding exercises can be helpful. (Check out our information on Grounding Exercises here.)  You need to know what to do to not make it worse, but to actually help them through it. 

For Laura, it was quite grounding for Vincent to come hold her and sing praise songs.  (Note that he is a terrible singer and is tone/pitch deaf, but that didn’t matter.) It not only helped to stabilize Laura, but helped to keep Vincent calm, as well. 

6.) Communication

Being able to talk about what is happening/process it together is important.  This also means being a good reflective listener.  The process of recovery involves talking about the trauma. It’s not talking about it a certain number times. 

Don’t put a limit on how many times it needs to be talked about. It may seem like they are talking about the same thing over and over again, but don’t let the number of times stop them from healing. Talking through it with someone helps them to gain perspective.

For spouses supporting a traumatized spouse, show them that you are trying to understand.  Laura mentions how even if Vincent said or did the wrong thing, it meant more to her when he attempted to understand her. 

7.) Set boundaries and take care of yourself

Trying to understand the situation can get you stuck in a toxic cycle. It’s important that you as the supporting spouse set boundaries and take care of yourself through the process. That means speaking truth in a loving manner.

You are being faced with a spouse who is having irrational beliefs about what happened. You need to be able to understand how they are feeling.  You will have to be able to speak the truth and help them understand what is healthy and what is not. 

You MUST NOT get caught up in their fears, otherwise your relationship will be driven by fears. If you feed the fear, it will not promote healing. The trauma will then be controlling both of you. 

You need to have your own social and familial support. You need to keep yourself healthy. This way you will be ready to gently speak scripture and truths to your hurting spouse. 

Conclusion

We hope that today’s episode has alerted you to some issues that need to be addressed in your life. Take the seven suggestions we’ve made today to heart. 

Seek out trustworthy counsel to come alongside you through your recovery. There is hope and healing. We hope our story today has encouraged you.

SHOW NOTES:

Many couples struggle with feeling like there is no resolution to their fights.  Some avoid disagreements at all costs due to their frustration over how arguments in the past were handled. 

Today, therapists and hosts of Relationship Helpers Vincent and Laura Ketchie, offer part two of their interview with Christian psychologist and author, Dr. Jesse Gill.  His book, “Face to Face:  Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage”, offers insights into how your attachment style influences how you get along with your mate. 

Be sure to check out Part 1 of our interview where we go in-depth with how your attachment to your parents affects your attachment style! 

Attachment Theory & Your Marriage

Attachment is a bonding experience; a tangible experience of love. Each day you need to do “face-to-face t.v.” On a daily basis you need to spend face-to-face time with your spouse, along with “t” for touch and the opportunity to be “v” vulnerable with one another. 

The gold standard is secure attachment.  People who are securely attached are not afraid of abandonment and are able to ask for what they need. They feel comfortable being honest and open about what they need and feel.

If you had a secure attachment to your parents, these skills are available to you. But even if you didn’t, God can create a secure attachment in your marriage. 

“Conflict is always a fight for better emotional connection.”

 We are created for attachment and connection. You may be married to someone who is doing a lot of protesting and they are not tuned into your sensitivity.  You may feel criticized and inadequate.

Others, the protestors, feel abandoned from their detached, avoiding spouse.  The root for both the protestor and the avoider is the loss of connection.

Protestors

A protestor in a relationship is the person who shows a lot of emotion.  They may nag and talk more than their mate. They can be critical and get angry.

They are not protesting their mate. They are protesting the loss of their mate. Their mate is the person they need, they just can’t reach their mate.

Avoiders

The avoider in a relationship may seem to be not responding to the other person’s emotional moments. They may either literally or figuratively leave the scene.

They are “internalizers’.  They have learned that sharing their emotions gets them nowhere. So they have stopped sharing how they feel. They feel that they must rely on themselves. They shut down. That’s how they cope. 

The Vicious Cycle

Struggling couples often are caught in a vicious cycle.  One spouse gets angry (the protestor), turns up the emotional heat and the avoider internalizes it and shuts down. Each spouse is operating out of their attachment style, and it perpetuates a negative cycle.

Neither one is left feeling understood, only more disconnected from their spouse. The protestor’s fear of abandonment is further fueled by the avoider’s distance, and round and round the cycle goes. 

Your Spouse is Not the Bad Guy

Instead of identifying your spouse as the problem, Dr. Gill advises looking at the negative cycle as the problem. Conflict is always because one feels abandoned or overwhelmed in some way.  When this goes on too long, couples contact marriage therapists.  

Dr. Gill finds about 50% of the couples that he works are stuck in the “protest/avoid” negative cycle.  Some couples, however, are composed of two protestors.  They may not appear this way at first glance, it is just that one of the spouses have burned out with protesting and have pulled back.

Other couples struggle with a trauma history and can bring a lot of intensity to protect themselves when they are hurting.

Nothing Says “I Love You” Like Effort

It’s a misconception that having to work on a relationship means that there is no love in it.  In fact, nothing communicates love more to a spouse than when their partner who does not naturally and easily say “I love you” puts forth the extra effort to show their love. 

Dr. Gill tells of a couple where the wife needed to hear from her husband the words, “I love you.” She lets him know of her need.  A few months pass by and she is putting away laundry and discovers a note tucked away in her husband’s sock drawer.  The note was a reminder for him to tell her that he loved her every day.

She felt more loved because he was being intentional. These words did not come automatically to him, so it meant more to her when she discovered how intentional he had become at communicating his love to her. 

If you know your attachment style, you’re better able to work towards establishing a secure attachment with your spouse. If you know you’re an avoider, you know that you need to take risks by sharing and reaching out to your spouse. If you’re a protestor, you’ll need to bring down the intensity level to a safer setting so that your avoider spouse will feel more apt to share and so that they will feel less overwhelmed.

Three Negative Cycles

The fuel of a negative cycle is two people that want to be able to be connected and are at increasing levels of despair.

1. Protest/Avoid

One spouse is emotional, the other is distant. (See above)

2. Protest/Protest

There is usually a trauma background for both spouses.  Both spouses are emotional. 

3. Avoid/Avoid

The protestor has been trying for so long to communicate with the avoider that they burn out and give up. 

How Marriage Counseling From An Attachment-Focus Can Help

A marriage therapist with a background in Attachment Theory can help a couple by interrupting the negative communication cycle.  The therapist is also able to help the couple to determine their attachment needs.

The therapist can help the couple come towards each other with open hands and open hearts.  The therapist makes them comfortable to come together and have that face-to-face t.v.  The goal of the therapist is to create a safe environment for the couple to be vulnerable with one another. 

Positive Cycle

This is healthy communication between a securely attached couple where each person is able to ask and receive without fear of abandonment or overwhelm. 

Engaging the Avoider

It is important to engage the avoider first to create positive traction. Sometimes this means helping them see what they don’t like, as it is easier to determine what someone does not like first.

This may mean helping them to put words to things such as “I didn’t like how that was furious,” or “I didn’t like how that was fast.”

Speed Round

What has been your biggest stumbling block in your relationship with God?

I’m a recovering avoider. I’m growing into the attachment zone.  My hangup is to be too self-reliant.  That’s very different from “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” where I’m acknowledging my dependence and great need for the Lord. I’m getting better by God’s grace.

What is the best advice you’ve ever received?

Not be defensive, but to stay open and curious.  By being curious, we’re connecting with that inquisitive, playful side I talked about earlier. 

Even though something is confusing, I’m able to find out what’s driving it—what’s driving that in my spouse, what’s driving that in my child, or what’s driving that in me.  Stay open and curious.

Who do you admire other than a biblical figure?

Dr. Carmen Morrison (my marriage therapy mentor who taught me the attachment model) and her husband are doing attachment-based marriage therapy for the poor in the urban slums of Mexico City. It’s a beautiful ministry. 

She’s going to devote the rest of her life to bringing this marriage model to people who desperately need it. The rates of abuse and neglect are much higher there. They have a beautiful marriage, a beautiful ministry and the heart of Jesus beats in both of them.

What is your favorite book other than the Bible and why?

Rabbi Harold Kushner’s “Overcoming Life’s Disappointments.”  The story of Moses and his journey with God—some beautiful imagery of God’s desire for us to make Him our resting place. I plugged a lot of that into “Face to Face: Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage.”

What is your most effective relationship habit?

“I would say I’m a good listener.  A lot of that is how I was raised.  It’s a much bigger risk for me to put my own feelings out there.”

“Through the years I’ve gotten better at being more authentic in my emotional presence—just to show up with others.” 

Parting Wisdom

Remember “face-to-face t.v.” (Face-to-face time, T=touch, V=Vulnerable with one another) Try with your marriage, try with your kids, to bring in that gazing, that touch, that vulnerable sharing in any way you can.

Contact Dr. Jesse Gill:

Learn about his book, workbook, video series, or reach out to ask questions or to request him to do a workshop at your church at www.facetofacemarriage.com .

SHOW NOTES:

Bizarre celebrity parenting techniques seem to be a popular topic in entertainment news.  Practices such as “premastication”, which is a parent pre-chewing food for their children, grab headlines and raise eyebrows. Inevitably, the term “attachment parenting” is unfairly linked to the newest celebrity parenting craze.

As with any concept or belief, people can distort it from its original form. Cockeyed renderings of attachment theory aside, learning the basis of attachment theory and how it applies to our lives can be very helpful in creating healthy, functional relationships.

Today the Relationship Helpers are pleased to welcome Dr. Jesse Gill to the podcast.  Dr. Gill is a Christian psychologist and author of “Face to Face:  Seven Keys to a Secure Marriage.”  He uses attachment theory as a basis for helping couples overcome harmful communication and behavioral patterns creating secure, healthy marriages. 

Aspects of Attachment

Dr. Gill explains how attachment theory is about bonding and how babies connect to their parents. Fifteen years ago, attachment theory began to come alive for Dr. Gill as he saw how important it was when working with couples.

Along with Dr. Carmen Morrison his mentor, Dr. Gill learned how powerfully attachment theory can be applied to broken relationships.  

Attachment to Our Heavenly Father

These sacred moments that occurred in marriage counseling sessions helped him to see how attachment theory applies our relationship with our heavenly Father. Dr. Gill pored over scripture. He studied the language God uses to speak to us, to establish relationship with us. 

Attachment Theory Speaks to Our Deepest Longing

We long to be connected. We long to be in relationship.

We are not alone. We’re safe, we’re protected, secure. We know this when we know God and his love for us. 

Attachment Theory for Therapists, Attachment Theory for Couples

Dr. Gill’s book is helpful reading for therapists and couples alike. Therapists can use it as a tool to help prevent counter-transference; that is to prevent a therapist from bringing his or her own attachment issues into the counseling process, interfering with the progress of therapy.

Couples will benefit from the book because they can learn their attachment styles. They can see how their style influences the way they communicate, and then make the appropriate changes. 

History of Attachment Theory

British psychologist Dr. Henry Bowlby is the founder of Attachment Theory. He is a pivotal figure in helping us to understand love and connection. He studied orphaned children post-World War 2. 

Many European children lost their parents during the war. Bowlby wanted to learn why some people bounce back from hardships and why some people do not. Why are some people resilient and why do others struggle?

He identified that children who had significant separation from their caregivers sustained a lot of emotional damage. These children struggled with this for the rest of their lives.

He was one of the first researchers to study psychological theory in “live time.”  Before, most psychologists learned through situations that occurred in the past.  Bowlby studied how children handled hospitalizations in real time.

Bowlby’s Background

Bowlby’s father was the King’s physician in Great Britain, leaving Bowlby in the care of a nanny. He did not have much time or connection with his parents.

When he was four, his nanny died. This probably shaped his curiosity for studying emotional connection and relationships. 

Today’s Science Corroborates With Bowlby’s Theories

Today, brain imaging technologies and brain chemistry studies back up Bowlby’s theories.  He was prophetic and cutting edge in his field. We are wired for attachment.

Parts of the brain do not grow when we do not have connection with parental support early in development.  The bond we have with our parents helps to develop the “calming centers” of the brain.  These calming centers then take the lead in moments when we need to cope. 

If there is a disruption in our attachment with our caregiver(s), then our ability to self-soothe is hampered. The empathy centers and the verbal centers of our brains also hinge on our connection with our caregivers. 

The gazing and sharing we do with our parents early on is essential to our brain development and influences how we interact with people later on. 

After the fall of communism in Romania, hundreds of thousands of children were left orphans.  The orphanages were overwhelmed with children and there were very few caregivers. These children did not have people holding them, looking at them, loving on them. Irreparable brain damage occurred to so many of these children because the window of time that they needed connection the most was filled.

Study of Juvenile Delinquents

In the 1950s, Bowlby studied juvenile delinquents. He compared them to children with emotional problems who had not committed crimes.

Those who committed crimes did not seem to have a conscience. Bowlby found that these children experienced profound maternal separation experiences.

Their empathy did not get created. They did not develop consciences. They did not have the capacity to think of the needs of others and were very much in survival mode.

They basically operated in fight or flight mode because the areas of their brains needed for empathy were not developed. 

Study of Hospitalized Children

In 1952, Bowlby studied children during their hospitalizations. Parents, at that time, were encouraged to drop off children and leave them, during their hospital stays.

It was a misguided recommendation to prevent germs from spreading. Of course, now we see the error in traumatizing an already sick child. 

Bowlby observed and videoed the children’s responses to being left at the hospital on their own.  Three distinct stages occurred when they were separated from their parents:  Protest, Despair, and Detachment.

Three Stages of Separation:  

Protest

Protest: (Days 1-3) The child is very upset, inconsolable and angry. They are “pitching a fit”. They are displaying a lot of emotion and energy.

Despair

Despair:  (Days 3-5)  The child has become emotionally tired and is sad and mournful.  The intensity has come down and they feel that their parents aren’t coming back.

They are more subdued. They still long for connection.

Detachment

Detachment:  (Days 5-7) The child re-engages with the nursing staff, but when the parents come back, the kids are strangely detached. At this point they have become mistrustful of connection and focus on being self-sufficient. 

Dr. Gill describes Proverb 13: 12, “hope deferred makes the heart sick.”  These kids hearts have become self-reliant and have hardened their hearts towards others. 

The Follow Up

Bowlby followed up with these children a few weeks later and found that most of the children had “perked back up”. The takeaway from this study is that if short-term separation has this short-term effect, imagine the impacts of significant separation and trauma. 

Bowlby found that children that had prolonged hospital stays and/or numerous stays struggled more.  They had experienced getting attached to several different caregivers only to lose those caregivers. Their hopes had been dashed often.  Unlike the children with short-term stays, those with the traumatic experiences fared worse. 

Bowlby learned from this study that disconnection is bad. When we feel disconnected from a loved one, we act out.  Depending on how early on we are in the sequence, some of us are stuck in a protest mode, others in a despair mode, and yet others are in detachment mode. 

Secure Attachment

We’re created for connection—attachment.  Dr. Gill finds that there are three ingredients needed for secure attachment, denoted by “Face-To-Face TV.”

Children need “face-to-face” time with their parents. This means parents need to look into their faces and track their eyes.

The “T” is for touching them and holding them, responding to them when they are in distress, as well as cuddling with them and playing with them.

The “V” is for vulnerable sharing of emotion.  These are parents that are in tune with their child’s emotions and are able to engage them on an emotional level.  This means being able to identify the child’s feelings and put words to them out loud.  This could sound like, “Oh, I see you’re sad right now, come here and I’ll give you a hug.”  

Secure attachment is established when children receive this combination of parental involvement and caring. Children and adults need to know that they are loved and that someone “has their back.”  This develops confidence, and they can face the world. They are more likely to take the necessary risks that are needed to grow. 

The Strange Situation

Similar to Bowlby, Dr. Mary Ainsworth studied attachment in children.  She led experiments that were more short term. These were called “The Strange Situation.” 

She studied how children would respond to being away from their mothers in three minute bursts. A room was set up with a mother, her child and a female graduate student.  The mother and child would play a few minutes and then the mother would leave.

Psychologists behind a one-way mirror observed the quality of play between the mother and child before she left, and when she returned. A certain level of protest was not uncommon in the children when their mothers left.

For the securely attached child, he had such a nice play sequence with his mother before she left that he responded by having little protest.  He was able to settle back down. When she returned, he was happy to see her.  

Children with insecure attachments, those who were protestors, had a different experience.  Even with the mother in the room, these children were clingy and unsure that she would really be there for her. 

They weren’t good when she was in the room, and they are even worse when she’s gone. It’s kind of a tug-of-war.  They don’t know whether to hug her or clobber her. They don’t know where they stand consistently.  They are concerned about abandonment. 

Attachment In Marriage

Insecure attachment in childhood influences someone’s sense of security in adulthood. This is why learning about attachment theory is important when it comes to marriage.

Clinginess, and controlling and demanding behaviors are rooted in insecure attachments.  Dr. Gill explains this is why some people don’t feel good even when they are with their loved ones. They don’t know when they will be abandoned again. Anxiety is at the core. 

Protest

Protest behaviors manifest as controlling and demanding behaviors.  This person may have a hard time sharing their spouse with other people, because they are afraid of being abandoned. 

Detached

During the “Strange Situation” study, Ainsworth found some children who were aloof with their mothers prior to their mothers leaving and remained this way when she returned.

These children are shut down.  They don’t show emotions. These children have concluded that it does not matter what they say or do – no one is going to respond.

These children have learned that they have to go it alone.  They are avoiders. They do not bring their hopes and needs forward. They are internalized, low energy at times. 

Secure

The gold standard is secure attachment.  Unlike someone with protest tendencies, the securely attached person is able to cope with the absence of their loved one in an emotionally connected way.  This is different from the detached person who copes with the absence by avoiding their feelings. 

Secure attachment is in the middle of a continuum. Protest is at one end and detached at the other.  Protestors are clingy, demanding controlling and are on one end of the spectrum and detached people are avoiders who are internalized, shut down and low energy. Securely attached people receive, explore and ask.

Join us next week when we talk more with Dr. Gill about how you can learn how to develop a securely attached marriage!

 

RESOURCES:

www.facetofacemarriage.com