Personal Growth Archives - Page 4 of 10 -

068 Dating: How Is Their Relationship With Their Family?

SHOW NOTES:

Happy Holidays from Relationship Helpers! Speaking of the holidays, this is the time of year where family gets together the most.

If you are dating, this could be an interesting and yet informative time in your relationship. You may get a window into your significant other’s relationship with their family during this season. This is the 4th episode in our series 8 Warning Signs That You Might Need To Break Up. Today, we offer some important points to ponder as you see your significant other interact or not interact with family.

If the holiday season brings about panic and night sweats, be sure to check out episode 013 “Stress-Free Holiday” where we give you tons of tips on taking the sweat out of the holidays. It’s not dating-related specifically, but is about managing family conflict, time management, and holiday planning. You’ll also find a FREE printable PDF on our website that will give you lots of help in de-stressing the holidays.

How Your Significant Other Gets Along With Their Family

1. AVOIDANT

Does Your Significant Other Avoid Their Family?

When your significant other avoids family, it is not necessarily bad. For instance, some people choose to distance themselves from family because they have created boundaries to protect themselves from a toxic, dysfunctional family.

It is important, however, that these boundaries have been communicated, rather than just avoiding the family. If communicated, boundaries are healthy; otherwise avoiding someone is more like a wall.

Someone who is avoidant very well could have been taught to avoid conflict from their family. Stonewalling, a form of avoidance, is an unhealthy way of avoiding conflict. It is not communicating. Many people develop this dysfunctional coping mechanism from their families. It is basically being very obvious about not talking.

Another unhealthy way of coping with conflict in family is “sweeping it under the rug.” This is when a point of conflict arises and no one addresses it. Because of this, there is a lack of genuineness and authenticity demonstrated in the family. So many people are holding back how they feel about things that they truly can’t bond as a family.

Unspoken Rules

When this occurs, years of “unspoken rules” accumulate. Unspoken rules are the points of conflict that a family intentionally avoids. This creates further emotional distance among the family members.

If your significant other is avoiding family it is important to understand the reason behind it. It’s also important to recognize any avoidance you may have with your own family.

Don’t Use “Why” Questions

When trying to understand why your significant other avoids family, it’s important how you talk about it. Using “why” questions may raise defenses. Rather, it’s more productive to make observations such as “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to want to spend time with such and such.”

Be prepared to see this conversation not as just one discussion, but possibly a series of conversations as sometimes these topics are hot button issues and many times have deep-seated emotions involved. It can take a while for the person experiencing this to process all of these emotions and insights so it may take more than one conversation for them to get through it all.

When someone avoids family because of toxicity, it’s important to know why. That’s why the “I’ve noticed that you don’t want to spend time with such and such” conversation is important. You need to be aware of the boundaries, otherwise, they are walls.

It’s important that if someone comes from a toxic family and are trying to create healthy boundaries, that the boundaries have been clearly articulated. Otherwise, more drama occurs as the family has no clue as to why a family member is avoiding them.

2. DEPENDENT

If your significant other does not have a job, still lives at home, and has no license, they are in many ways like they were in middle school. It does not bode well for their emotional maturity, or their preparedness for a serious, adult relationship. Why should they be entering into potentially a legal and spiritual relationship (marriage) with someone if they are not responsible for themselves?

A terrible problem to acquire is marrying someone who thinks that you are going to take care of them. If their parents have enabled them to be irresponsible and immature then they very well will expect you to treat them as their parents have.

Magical Thinking?

Many times this immaturity or lack of responsibility can be seen through what therapists call “magical thinking.” This type of thinking is not realistic. Laura uses an example from the movie “Field of Dreams.” The famous quote, “If you build it, they will come” can be exemplified by people who start businesses thinking that people will seek out their product or service without any efforts at marketing.

Magical thinking when you’re dealing with someone who is emotionally immature and irresponsible could look like someone who just expects to have the bills paid, food available and roof over their head without having to do any of it themselves.

Magical thinking is especially troubling when it translates to romantic relationships, as one expects another to fulfill a fantasy that is unrealistic. This could mean someone expects to have a home and a family without the work and responsibilities behind it. These days, that often means living at home with their parents as a married couple.

Other Red Flags

Red flags that your significant other is too reliant on their parents: They may not have transportation (able to get to and from places without mom or dad). Are they intentional about paying rent to their parents?, Do they rely on their parents solely for socialization? Are they able to make phone calls for themselves? Fill out paperwork?

It is important to note that some people who avoid making phone calls are experiencing social anxiety. Make the observation, “I’ve noticed that when it’s time to call in the pizza order you pass the phone to me.” Avoiding making carry-out orders is not necessarily a deal-breaker, but it is important that you address this concern with your significant other.

Switching gears, what if your significant other is too involved with a troubled family member? Is it possible that your significant other is enabling that person? Do they have difficulty saying ‘no’ to people? Your significant other may have assertiveness issues.

3. Healthy Relationship

No one is completely 100% healthy in all areas. When you are looking at a significant other and trying to determine if they have a healthy relationship with family, ask yourself: Can this person have a healthy, adult conversation with their parents? Are they able to resolve conflict in a healthy way? Being part of a family that “doesn’t fight” means that they avoid conflict and are not able to resolve issues in a healthy manner.

Are they able to say that their feelings are hurt? Are they assertive—speaking the truth in love, in a calm and relaxed manner without putting the other person down?

Low Emotional Environment (LEE)

What kind of environment does their family create emotionally? A HEE (High Emotional Environment” is volatile and often has family members walking on egg shells. A Low Emotional Environment (LEE) is relaxed, and allows room for people to share their feelings during conflict without being met with aggression or chaos. A LEE is not reactive, but proactive. It’s a safe emotional environment.

What if family is forced together due to family business, terminal illness situations, living at parents’ home temporarily, etc.?

It is important for people to be able to switch gears and not always be doing family things together. There needs to be a life outside of family to create balance.

Purposeful Plan

If the living arrangement is living with the parents, clear communication needs to occur. The purpose of living there needs to be spelled out. There needs to be a plan, rather than parents allowing the person to stay there willy-nilly without expectations and an exit strategy discussed and planned with all parties.

There needs to be an arrangement of how the person will help with rent and household duties. How will they make sure that they do not remain in this situation?

Conclusion

If you’re a parent, someone who is in the dating field, someone considering dating, or what have you, we hope that you have found today’s episode enlightening. Be sure to tune in next time as we discuss the fifth part of our series “Eight Signs You Might Need to Break Up.”

065 Dating: Is He Responsible?

SHOW NOTES:

In recent news, Josh Harris, the author of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, has discontinued publication of his purity culture phenomenon. Many a teen or young adult during the nineties in evangelical churches were well-versed in the missives of the book. His focus in the book was on avoidance of dating and kissing before marriage. However, Josh Harris, a father now, sees dating differently—which brings us to today’s episode and the start of a new series.

What does dating mean to you? For different people it means different things. For some, a date is having a good time with a friend. Others view dates almost like interviews for a future commitment. Our focus in this series will be for folks who are in serious relationships with the intention of marriage.

Are you doubting your relationship? Do you wonder if he or she is the right person for you? Have you noticed some things that bother you and you’re not sure if you should continue together?

Start of New Series

Today we start our eight part series “8 Warning Signs You Might Need to Break-Up”. Each week, Vincent and Laura will discuss a major issue faced by struggling dating and engaged couples. These issues could be considered “deal-breakers.” We’ve included the biggest problems we see in couples that come to us for therapy.

If you’re thinking of getting married, take a look at our Premarital Checklist here. You’ll find a comprehensive list of discussion questions you and your significant other need discuss before saying “I do.”

How Responsible Is Your Significant Other?

Our topic for today is maturity. Do you find yourself asking if your loved one is even mature enough to enter marriage? Is your significant other responsible?

Are They Living At Home?

If your date is living at home, then there may be need for concern. What is their reason for living with their parents? How long have they lived with them? Do they have purpose in living at home? All of these are important questions.

The Pew Research Center found that 32.1 percent of 18- to 34-year-olds lived at their parents’ homes in 2014, exceeding the 31.6 percent of young adults who were married or living with a partner in their own household.

In 2016, almost 40 percent of young adults lived with their parents, step-parents, grandparents and other relatives last year, or the highest point in 75 years, according to data from real estate analytics company Trulia. The only time in U.S. history when the share has been higher was in 1940, when the U.S. economy was regaining its footing from the Great Depression and the year prior to the country’s entry into World War II.

Almost half of Europeans do (live at home), actually. What’s not normal to them is having thousands of dollars of debt right out of the gate.

Living At Home May Be Appropriate If It Is Purposeful

It may be okay that they are living at home if it is purposeful, and they are working on plan such as paying off student loan debt or saving for a house within a certain period of time.

If they are living at home and it is not purposeful, then may be they are not mature or independent enough to live as an adult. Here are some areas that you may need to consider.

How healthy is their relationship with their parents? You may need to scrutinize their relationship with their parents. Is it healthy? (We will cover this more in depth in a following episode.)
How are they with house rules? Are they able to obey house rules which may include paying rent, helping with the upkeep and maintenance of the house, and appropriate behavior while at home? If they are not demonstrating these skills with their parents, then they will not be bringing them to your relationship.
What domestic skills are they able to do? Do they talk on the phone to make appointments and order things? Can they cook, clean, or mow the lawn? How do they manage their finances, and do they pay their bills on time? If they are older than 18 and do have these skills, then they need to learn them. They may not have developed healthy social, financial, and domestic skills to survive on their own.

Do They Have a Job?

Just having a job speaks volumes. First of all, it means that they are employable. They must some skills or qualities to have a job. Even if their job is minimum wage and not very prestigious, by them working you know that they value work and are at least motivated somewhat. Here are some things that you learn about a person when they are working.

If they maintain a job, then you know that they are loyal, consistent, and reliable to a certain degree. If they were not, then they would be fired.
Jobs provide wonderful learning opportunities. If they are working in retail or fast food, then you know that they are developing some social skills at least.
All jobs help a person learn the value of money. They are better able to appreciate what effort it takes to earn money.
By the job or jobs that they have, you can get a better idea about the direction or possible directions that they may be headed with in their career. For example, if a person says that they are going to be a physical therapist, but they can’t even get a job as a CNA, then you know that they are unrealistic in their assessment of themselves and their abilities.
If a person has worked at a lot of places (and didn’t get fired), then you know that they have learned about a lot of different industries. They have put effort in learning about themselves (what they like) and about what opportunities are out there. This may mean that they are confident, risk-takers.

What Is Their Involvement/Relationship With Their Children?

What Is Their Involvement With Their Kids?

When your significant other already has children, then you get to know a lot about them. Below are some things to consider:

Are they able to support their children without help from other (their parents)? If they are living with their parents with their kids, then they are not able to support their kids by themselves. This means that you will have to provide a lot of support. Are you able to contribute enough financially, emotionally, and spiritually to fully support the kids?
Are you prepared to be in a blended family? This means that you would have to share the parenting role with not only your significant other, but also their ex and they ex’s family. Do you have the spiritual and emotional fortitude to do this? Are you prepared to do this and what would it look like? What are your boundaries?
Are they paying child support? How much will this affect your family budget? If they are not paying child support, then this may be an indicator that they are not responsible.
What is their parenting style? Are they an authority figure or a friend? You need to discuss what you expect as far as parenting roles. If they are continually a friend to the child, then there will be big behavioral problems.

064 Marriage/Personal Growth: Psychology of Love

SHOW NOTES:

Have you fell for Hollywood’s (lie or lies)?

I (Vincent) was about nine years old. I wanted look cool. I wanted a girl to “go with me” – (that’s what we called it. We didn’t actually go anywhere – at most couples held hands. It was really more of a title to show that we were wanted by the opposite sex.) Nevertheless, I wanted someone to “go with me” so that I would be “kool”.

So what did any well-intentioned fourth grader do? We went to the Dart store – a local clothing store that specialized in trendy clothing or fads. Yes, I got me a pair of “parachute pants”. Michael Jackson had just come our with the Thriller album. If you were a kid then, that was “in”, then you had a pair of parachute pants. I bought the lie. I bought the lie at a young age.

So what are Hollywood’s lies?

The first lie. We are to make ourselves as attractive as possible to get the right mate. We are to make our bodies look good – work out, loose weight, get a tan, build our muscles, get the right hair cut, etc. We are to attain the right things – a new car, clothes that are in style, big house, etc. We are to achieve in work, school, sports, social status, etc. If we possess all of these outward qualities, then we will attract our perfect partner.

The second lie. Our feelings confirm our love. We get a rush of adrenaline when we are with that special person – “It must be love!” We talk with them on the phone, and we feel so good. Just being with them lifts our spirits. We can’t wait to be with them.

The third lie. Similarly, when we don’t have those euphoric feelings around our mate, then we must not be in love anymore. We reason that the “right person for me” should continue to give us those good feelings when we are around them.

The fourth lie. That special person will fulfill me and meet all my hopes and dreams. We have this false hope that when we meet that “perfect partner”, we will be happy. In the movie Jerry MacGuire, Tom Cruise’s character has an affair with his secretary. When he is about to lose her, he tells her “You complete me.” He feels like she will fulfill all of his desires of love and having a family.

Theories of Romantic Love

Well okay, I’m giving Hollywood a bad rap or at least too much credit. Many of these lies didn’t begin with motion pictures. Motion pictures was just a medium that was able to promote these ideas at a veracious pace.

The idea of romantic love began in the 12th century in southern France. Around this time, the nobles and knights had left their castles for Holy Lands to fight in the Crusades. Their wives are left at home. For entertainment, musicians or poets called troubadours would come to the court. The troubadour provided love songs, and the noblewoman provided room and board. Thus the term “courtly love” was created. The troubadours would not dare have a hint of physical consummation, or they would put their lives in jeopardy. But this undertone of attraction would develop between the singer and the listener.

The foundation of this Hollywood idea of romantic love consist of these four theories of love: eros, biology or chemistry, imago, and projection.

Eros Theory

The greek word “eros” means passionate love. It includes the sexual and sensual desires between a man and a woman. Physical attraction, or even lust are other common terms to describe it.

In classical Greek, “Love at first sight” described eros. A person had these immediate desires upon seeing their “loved one”. When the person of their affection did not reciprocate or was away from them, then they would get “lovesick”.

Freud describes “eros” as our life instincts or life force which included reproduction, hunger, and self preservation. He did not view “eros” as primarily our libido although it was a part of it.

Biology or Chemistry Theory

The chemistry theory supposes that their is a chemical force that pulls two people together like two hydrogens to one oxygen in water. This theory that something chemical attracts humans together has been discussed since the 1800s.

In 1809, Johann Goethe published Elective Affinities which described human relationships in terms of chemical reactions. Reared as a Lutheran, he was an adamant “non-Christian” who was trying to come to terms with bonding and love through a non-subjective, chemical viewpoint.

In 1959, biochemist Adolf Butenandt discovered a hormone that travelled from a female to a male silkworm prior to mating. Subsequently, the word “pheromone” was coined, meaning a hormone that is transported outside the body to another organism. This lead to the idea that humans secrete pheromones to attract the opposite sex. But to this date, no known human pheromones have been discovered.

In 1976, researchers Candace Pert and Nancy Ostrowski found that endorphins were released during intercourse. This led to the hormone theory of love.

In 1992, neuroscientist Thomas Insel completed a study on two types of voles: prairie voles and mountain voles. He compared their mating habits and their oxytocin levels. Prairie voles who tend to be monogamous had high levels of oxytocin. Mountain voles who were promiscuous had lower levels of oxytocin.

Later research showed that oxytocin was a bonding hormone that correlated with being with a loved one. Within male/female relationships, oxytocin levels rise during kissing, hugging, and intercourse. It also stimulates the bond between a mother and her child.

Imago Theory

In the book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix describes the imago theory. Imago is latin for image. According to Imago theory, we are unconsciously attracted to a person that reflects the positive and negative traits of our parents or caretakers.

According to the theory, our brains have a drive to achievement health and wholeness. We have unresolved conflicts from childhood. We recreate these same patterns that we had with our parents with our spouse. Unconsciously, we try to repair or fix what was broken in childhood.

Projection Theory

Projection theory is based on the idea that men and women both have masculine and feminine qualities. According to theory, women project their “undeveloped” masculine side onto the men to whom they are attracted. Conversely, men project their “undeveloped” feminine side onto their mates.

Men may want their women to be overly nurturing – the feminine aspect that they may lack. Women may want their men to be the hero and fix everything – the masculine “take charge” attitude that they may not have developed.

We fall in love with a projection, not reality. We put all these unrealistic expectations onto our partner. We do not develop these appropriate feminine and masculine aspects in ourselves. We look outside of ourselves to find completion.

What Is the Truth?

Each of these theories contain elements of truth that have fed the lie that “romantic love” is the only true love. I (Vincent) have had clients that have adamantly defended romantic love. They say, “I don’t want them to do this or that because they are forced. I don’t want them to do it out of obligation. I want them to naturally do it. I want them to do it because they feel like it.”

They believe love is motivated by “true feelings” which are outside of their control. They do not see any part of love as a choice or a decision.

Romantic love has elements of both feelings and logical reasoning. Healthy romantic love contains both of these elements (emotions and objective decisions) in a balance.

063 Personal Growth: Coping Skills Part 10 – Helping

SHOW NOTES

Think back to a time where you were sincerely grateful for someone’s help. How did you feel? Try to remember the relief that soothed you. What do you think it would feel like if you could provide that kind of feeling to someone else?

If this is your first time joining us, WELCOME! We’re so glad you found us! Vincent and I are the Relationship Helpers. We are Christian therapists who help people find the change they need in their lives. In today’s episode, we are going to talk about how helping others can help to ameliorate depression and anxiety symptoms.

About the Series

But before we discuss how helping helps depression, we want to give a brief re-cap on the previous episodes of this series. Today’s episode marks the final episode in a ten-part series on “101 Activities You Can Do to Improve Your Mood.” Be sure to check out our episodes on God, exercise, slowing down, fun, animals and nature, socializing, aesthetics, creating and learning, and touch and smell.

Each of these episodes is a theme for over one hundred activities we have compiled. With each theme we provide interesting studies and research on why these activities are beneficial to our health and well-being.

Each week we have looked at these activities from the perspective of Philippians 4:8 (think on whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely and of good report.) Today’s activities fall under all of those things!

In Galatians 6: 2, we are told to carry one another’s burdens to fulfill the law of Christ. If you have been isolating yourself lately due to poor motivation and negative thinking, helping people can be a wonderful way to get your mind in a more productive state. If you are lost on how to get started, today’s list provides all sorts of creative ways to get started.

“Helping” Activities

18. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Volunteering provides you with opportunities to serve someone else. You get your mind off of YOU – when we are too focused on ourselves, we become anxious and maybe depressed. Volunteering at a soup kitchen allows you to focus on others’ needs and in return you benefit. Larry Crabb says, “The more that you learn to love like God, the more your joy increases.” Here are some tips when you go.

27. Pay for someone’s meal at a restaurant anonymously. Being kind elevates self-esteem and can lower the effects of psychological disorders.

30. Teach a child how to read. Reading with children improves parent-child communication, raises self-esteem, lowers anxiety/stress and increases empathy.

37. Visit shut-ins at the nursing home. By visiting a shut-in, you not only minister to them, but they minister to you as well. You learn to slow down, focus on someone else, and give love.

61. Volunteer with the Boy (or Girl) Scouts. Studies have shown that volunteering has been linked to lower blood pressure and less symptoms of depression. Volunteering not only helps you, but also helps the ones you are working with.

More Activities

65. Pick up trash on a local road. This is a great way to be a part of the community and meet new people. Along with meeting other civic-minded people, you get some good exercise as well.

75. Make a baby laugh. Children laugh more than adults. Adults have a tendency to be more serious. By intentionally making a child laugh, you are engaging in a social activity that is light-hearted and has many health and mental health benefits. You will be more likely to laugh if you make a baby laugh. Laughter strengthens resilience, which is an important strength in coping. It is a great stress-reliever and can lessen the symptoms of anxiety.

77. Buy a loved one flowers. Performing random acts of kindness can improve our emotional wellbeing.

100. Compliment someone on their appearance. Studies indicate that people with social anxiety are less likely to give compliments. Learning to give compliments helps begin conversations, builds connections with others, and lowers anxiety.

Conclusion

You were probably surprised at our list, weren’t you?! Hopefully there were things on it you had never considered, but find worth doing! We hope that you enjoyed today’s episode, and this ten-part series. It has been great fun learning about so many activities we can do to improve our moods. We’ve learned a lot through the process, and hope you have too!

Be sure to check out our resources page by clicking on the link below. We have downloadable and printable PDFs of each episode, the categories, and the full list.

062 Personal Growth: Coping Skills Part 9 – Touch and Smell

SHOW NOTES

When was the last was the last time you stopped and smelled the roses? Literally? I’m not joking! The phrase is tossed about often, but it is at the risk of diminishing the importance of appreciating the small things. Sometimes we get so caught up in the challenges of life that we forget the joy of the simpler things.

If you are new to our podcast, HI! Vincent and I (Laura) are the Relationship Helpers. Our podcast is created for anyone seeking advice on growing their relationships, this includes our relationships with ourselves.

About the Series

Today’s episode is the next to the last episode in a ten-part series on “101 Activities You Can Do to Improve Your Mood.” Our focus has been to encourage those suffering from the overwhelm of depression and anxiety to see that although depression can lower your motivation, it’s hard to say that you cannot do at least one out of over one hundred activities.

If we have peaked your interest, our other episodes are about God, exercise, slowing down, fun, animals and nature, socializing, aesthetics and next week will be helping. Visit relationshiphelpers.net to listen to these episodes.

Each week we have a bit of a memory verse…actually we’re encouraging you to remember Philippians 4: 8 each week. It’s the “whatever” verse. I like to call it that. “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

I think you’ll find that several of these activities fall into these whatevers. God has gifted us with so many things to be grateful for, and these activities should stoke that gratitude.

10 Touch and Smell Activities

7. Take a bubble bath. A warm, bubble bath is a good way to unwind and relax. Coach Amber McAuley shares how the warmth, the aromas, and the encompassing water soothes her like a big hug.

20. Visit a flower garden and smell the roses. The aromas of a therapy garden provide a powerful stimulus that connects you with nature and calms your body. The beautiful colors illicit admiration of its beauty – your mind is taken away from everyday stresses.

31. Hold your baby. Researchers have found that when mothers hold their babies there is a marked decrease in stress levels. More skin-to-skin time improves mothers’ wellbeing.

38. Bake some cookies. A 2017 study has shown that baking can help with the grieving process. Another study revealed that adolescents with cooking skills had a greater mental health well-being.

58. Go get a massage. A massage can lower cortisol, the hormone produced by stress, and increase serotonin, a hormone that reduces pain and anxiety in the body.

More Activities

80. Smell the rain. If it is not raining, then smell freshly cut grass or some vanilla. Aromatherapy makes a great compliment to traditional treatments and other therapies for depression. It is relaxing and can bring a person into the present moment, which with depression and anxiety, the sufferer is not typically “in the moment.”

86. Eat some candy. Chewing gum can lower nervous tension and increase serotonin levels. Peppermint improves concentration. Chocolate has a few compounds that are mood-boosting!

95. Ride a rollercoaster. Finishing a roller coaster ride helps individuals to step outside of their comfort zones and develop a greater sense of self-confidence. Riding a roller coaster is a type of “controlled danger”. A sense of peace washes over the rider after the ride is over due to the noradrenaline that is released to return the body to its pre-ride state.

99. Find a unique dive to eat at. Trying new things knocks you out of hum-drum routine. It helps you learn more about yourself. Experiencing a new eatery is a good “baby step” into getting outside of your comfort zone, as it may not be considered as threatening as trying other new things.

51. Plant some flowers or vegetables. Gardening can be very relaxing and therapeutic. It is so effective that there are professional specialists called horticultural therapists. Gardening provides purposeful and meaningful activity while offering restoration and respite from mental stress.

Conclusion

God has given us such a wonderful variety of interests and things to find genuine pleasure in. We hope that you enjoyed today’s suggestions.

Maybe you have decided to do something that you haven’t done in a really long time, or you’ve decided to try something you’ve never done. Thank you for spending time with us today!