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SHOW NOTES

Today our guest is Melissa Gendreau.  Melissa is a Christian therapist, wife and mom out of Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  She has a heart for working with families.  After receiving her bachelor’s degree, she worked with teens in a children’s home through the Boys Town organization. 

She felt led to pursue a master’s degree in community counseling after noticing the disparity between children and their families when working only with the children. During her graduate studies, she worked at Offutt Airforce Base, with military families.  

She later worked at an assessment center.  She learned about diagnosing children for treatment and placement, but was discouraged that she did not get to see the outcomes for these children. 

Spiritually, this was difficult. It was not a Christian center, and she had to emotionally detach in her role there.  She currently works in a Christian Counseling center and blogs about her experience as a Christian therapist.

What Can I Do If My Spouse is Spiritually Immature?

1.) Meet them where they are. It is not unusual for a crisis of faith to emerge when circumstances such as health scares or marital issues occur.  If your spouse is struggling, Melissa advises “meeting them where they are. We can’t nor are we supposed to ‘force’ anyone into faith.” 

2.) Pray for your spouse. It’s most important to pray for them. Pray for God to work in their hearts and to soften areas that have hardened.

3.) Pray for yourself so that you know how to be there with them. Pray for God to be able to guide you. Pray for wisdom of  when to pursue opportunities and when to be patient. 

You will have to be mindful of avoiding nagging your spouse.  We have a tendency to want to “nudge” our spouses into a direction.  It is not helpful.  You want your demeanor to encourage an open dialogue.

4.) Have a conversation with your spouse where you ask them what role they feel comfortable with you playing.   They may be comfortable praying with you, or may not.  

You may find it may not be your role to help guide your spouse back to God; it could be someone else’s. You may have to be willing for you spouse to speak with a godly friend or elder of your church instead of you. 

What Is My Role In Helping My Spouse?

Your role may be to be a cheerleader, a teacher, or to be a good listener who provides the environment for them to explore.  Ask your spouse what role they are comfortable with you playing.  We are prone to try to guess this, but this is not helpful. Be direct. Ask.

Melissa affirms that if the spouse is allowed to question, it creates opportunities to actually deepen faith.  Don’t get caught up in the mentality that we should not question things, because our relationship is to be a personal one with God.  It is not someone else’s faith, it’s yours.  Don’t just worship God with a blind faith because someone else told you to.  

If you are to stand back and play the role of someone who prays for the situation, it is going to be important to give God control and trust in Him.  If we do not do this, we could actually do more harm than good and sabotage the process.

Q & A With Melissa

As a therapist, what do you find most helpful when working with clients?

Teaching clients the progression of thoughts lead to emotions and behaviors.  Thoughts are based on past experiences, past hurts, and our perceptions of reality.  Through these our emotions flow.

It’s important to understand the thought process. In 2 Corinthians 10:5 Paul says we have to take our thoughts captive.  We need to make this a practice.

Ask yourself if your thoughts are aligned biblically or are they irrational.  If you find that you are discouraged because of your behaviors or emotions, it is important to learn where they are coming from and to work on how you think.  Many times people act on untruths that they have believed to be true. 

What is your most effective relationship skill?

Understanding your own worth through God, your identity in Christ.  Your self-worth flows out in your interactions with people.  If you do not love yourself well, others will not treat you well, either.  God’s love can’t flow out of us if we do not accept that He loves and values us, too. 

If we do not acknowledge His love for us as individuals, it cannot flow out to others from us.  If we are not connected FIRST with God, then any ministerial work or relationships with others will burn out as we are trying to do things out of our own energy not from God.

What is your current passion?

I am in the process of writing a bible study for parents of teens. The focus of it is to help parents of teens to be able to address difficult topics that are happening right now.  Our teens are struggling and questioning faith in comparison to what society talks about.  

I met with teens at my church and asked them “What do you feel like your parents don’t know or don’t understand about such and such topic so that they can help you better?”  

I then reached out to the parents and asked the exact same thing. The goal is to be able to address some of these big society topics, but recognize that from a biblical standpoint all of these have an answer.  Giving the parents the tools that this is just as relevant today as two thousand years ago.

My hope is for it to be available on my website in 2019.

Final Lap: Speed Round

What has been your biggest stumbling block in your relationship with God?

There have been times where I’ve questioned whether I’m worthy of His love.  I’ve allowed my own past insecurities to get in the way.  I’ve had to remember and focus on God’s truth.  Making sure that I’m armed with God’s truth about what He says about me.

Sometimes clients will feel like they have had success with their anxiety, depression or in their family and then feel they are under attack.  It means you are living life for God.  You’re being a little bit of thorn in Satan’s side.  

What is the best advice you’ve ever received?

You don’t have to do and be all things.  I can say ‘no’ and that won’t affect my worth.

Who do you admire the most, other than a biblical figure, and why?

My husband.  He is a stay-at-home, homeschool daddy.  He is my techie.  It’s not at all what he envisioned for his life.  God started nudging us and it is something he willing embraced.  He is an amazing teacher to the kids.   How beautiful that is to see–dad teaching the kids!  

What is your favorite book, besides the Bible, and why?

I read all the time.  The book “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge is a favorite.  It is such a beautiful book about how God designed women.  I’ll recommend that to a lot of my female clients, but I’ve also recommended it to husbands, to read, too. I love the vulnerability and the clarity that that book provides.  

More recently, I’ve read “Everybody Always” by Bob Goff.  He writes it so full of God’s love.  Just be love.  It’s not so easy when the people around you aren’t so loveable.  He talks about loving everybody always; no matter what, and how amazing and powerful that can be to other people and glorifying to God.  It’s a delightful easy read.  

Parting Wisdom  

Meet everybody where they are.  That’s the most important thing we can do for everyone around us.  When we start putting expectations on other people, the relationships start going down. But when we meet them where they are, it’s so much easier to love them and provide joy to them and get to be that support and encouragement that they need. 

I think sometimes people misunderstand this and think it means that we accept everything they are doing.  No, it means to love who they are as a person, and be able to stand beside them, to walk with them on that journey wherever they need to go. 

You may not agree with what they are doing at all.  That doesn’t mean you accept or encourage the behaviors that they are doing, but instead love them as people, hopefully guiding them along the way.

Contact:

https://www.humblefaithfamilywellness.com

Facebook:  Humble Faith Family Wellness page

Email:  melissa@humblefaithfamilywellness.com

SHOW NOTES

This is our 6th and final episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” In each episode, we talk about unhealthy ways that spouses display anger and ways to correct it.

Over the last few weeks we’ve taken a look at being more responsible in our marriages by stopping “the blame game”, we’ve given tips to overcome magnifying the problems in your marriage, we’ve looked at how damaging name calling is in “What Do You Call Your Spouse?” and what can be done about it, we’ve helped you determine if you “mind-read” your spouse and what to do instead, and we’ve looked at how detrimental complaining can be to a relationship and how to remedy it. 

Now we take on one of the most common complaints we see in marriage counseling:  selfishness.  Usually by the time we see a couple for marriage counseling and the complaint of selfishness is the issue, the couple has been together for a while.  Usually some act of selfishness is the final straw that brings the couple in to counseling.

This selfishness comes across as being demanding or commanding with their needs, wants or values. When the other spouse does not have the same value or need, then they get angry and push their agenda onto the other by being demanding and commanding.

Selfish acts can be obvious such demanding sex at a certain time, but it can be more subtle.  It could be the things that you do out of fear that keep you from having a healthy relationship.  Negative coping mechanisms can be selfish.  Independent behavior can be selfish.

Selfishness Disguised as Selflessness:

As Christian marriage therapists, it’s not unusual for us to see couple’s where the spouses have many commitments to their church.  Sometimes a marriage suffers because of poor boundaries as it relates to the church.  

For example:  Always saying ‘yes’ to requests for volunteers and helping all the time at the expense of sacrificing family time.  Enjoying a little too much the greeting time during service by giving hugs to those of the opposite sex in excess or lingering in these moments.

Say ‘Yes’ To Your Marriage

If you are struggling because you are a “yes man”, otherwise known as a people-pleaser, it is important to understand that this behavior may make you look good to other people (which very well could be stroking your ego and pride), but it does not help your family. What seem to be selfless acts by outsiders could be destroying your marriage. 

For men, this may come in the form of helping repair someone’s car or fixing a plumbing issue at someone’s house when there are needed repairs at your own.

For women, this may be taking care of someone’s child a neighbor’s or family member’s when your children or your husband doesn’t get the proper amount of quality time with you.

It will be important to prioritize your marriage.  You may have to have conversations with those who approach you for commitments and explain that you cannot be involved this time.  Being able to say ‘no’ is a skill. 

The Bible & Husbands

If you are a leader in your church consider 1 Timothy 3: 1-5:  “Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect.”

If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church? It is good to take time and self-reflect. Many times, we make ourselves too busy to do this. Are you taking care of your family?

Fiscally Irresponsible

Another subtle form of selfishness in marriage is being irresponsible with money.  It could mean shopping excessively, making expensive purchases without your spouse’s knowledge or turning a blind eye to finances. 

For women, this may come in the form of buying a new outfit every week or having a spa too often. Women, who struggle in this area seem, to buy a lot of small items (less than $200) without telling or consulting their husband.

For men, this could be buying a boat or ATV without discussing it with your wife. Men, who struggle in this area, seem to make big expenditures and tell their wife later. Their attitude is I am going ahead and buy it, and then ask for forgiveness later.

Not taking an active role in your family’s budget and finances places your family’s wellbeing in jeopardy. It is an act of selfishness.

In a healthy marriage, couples decide on a budget together. They discuss income as well as expenditures.

Down Time

Having a girl’s night or going fishing with buddies is not necessarily a bad thing. Many times it is NECESSARY. But when it is done without prior approval of your spouse OR it is done at the sacrifice of time spent with your family or spouse on a consistent basis, this behavior is selfish.  

One of the first things to go when a couple is struggling, is recreational and leisure time.  It is important to consider our spouses when we unwind from the daily grind.

In a healthy marriage, couple discuss how they are going to spend their leisure time. Show your spouse you care about him or her by participating in an activity that they enjoy without sulking and being passive aggressive.

SHOW NOTES

This is our 5th episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” In each episode, we talk about unhealthy ways that spouses display anger and ways to correct it.

If you are involved in any social media, you inevitably have run into followers or friends who chronically complain.  You may have felt so inclined to “hide” them from your newsfeed due to the sheer negativity that they permeate.  

Social media has made it easy to avoid these complainers with the “unfollow” feature, but what happens when you see this person day to day?  Even worse, you can’t exactly “unfollow” your spouse if he or she happens to be a negative Nelly.  

Maybe even worse still, what if YOU are the chronic complainer in your relationships?

In this episode, we are addressing overgeneralization.  

Overgeneralization

Overgeneralization is making one, single event into an unbearable situation.  Sometimes these are thoughts, other times these thoughts are expressed out loud.  

Examples would be:  “Church is always boring.”  “No one likes me at school.”  “I’m always the butt of jokes.”  “Everybody thinks I’m stupid.” 

Examples for a married couple could be:  “You never listens to me.”  “You always leave me to take care of the kids and clean the house.”  

Overgeneralization is a negative thinking habit.  Many people who experience depression and/or anxiety suffer from this “thought trap.”

Thought traps are like a cassette tape (yeah, those things that existed back in the 80s, hello fellow children of the 80s!!!) that loops over and over again in your mind.  It’s like someone hits the “repeat” button repeatedly—and the person hitting that repeat button is you.

How Can I Overcome Being A Chronic Complainer? 

So what is a chronic complainer to do?  Let’s take a look at complaining in the Bible. 

Complainers In The Bible

As the Israelites trekked through the desert, the Lord rained down manna from heaven.  This was God-made food, readily available, at their feet. 

After a few days of God-made food, readily available, at their feet, the Israelites tired of it and complained.  Notice I didn’t start the story off with “The Israelites got tired of manna and complained.” 

The Israelites lost their focus on God and focused on themselves.  Through the difficulties of being away from their homeland and being enslaved you could say they had some deep-seeded soul wounds.  

We all have been hurt by others; in one way or another.  How we respond to it speaks to our thought life and our character.  Bitterness and resentment, like the Israelites mentioned above, could lead someone to respond with complaining.  

Later, in the New Testament you will find that Jesus was often tested by complainers.  Never did He validate the behavior. 

Jesus was an awesome teacher.  He always turned a complaint into a learning opportunity. When someone complained, He responded in a way that would force the complainer to look at his heart.  In essence, He helped the complainers expose the ugly parts of their hearts.

What Can I Do With These Ugly Parts of My Heart? 

If you’re starting to feel like a well-fed, complaining Israelite as you listen to this, take heart.  The great thing about our God is that He provides. 

One of the most powerful tools He has created for us is prayer.  When we pray His will, it’s like we have a direct line to the boss.  Even better, remember this:  When we accept Jesus, we accept that He has already saved us.  We’re already seated with Him. 

When you pray, you are praying from a position of victory in the heavens.  Ask Him about the areas in your life that you need to be open for Him to work on.  

GRATITUDE IS KEY!

As mentioned above, this is about His will, not our own.  He wants us recognize how and what He has provided for us.  It is very difficult to chronically complain if you chronically rejoice through gratitude.

When you rejoice through gratitude, you are speaking truth into the situation. Many times, we get very narrow-minded when we view our situation. We have trouble seeing the “God view”. Speaking gratitude helps to have a more eternal viewpoint.

How To Address a Negative Spouse

As we are rejoicing with gratitude to ourselves, we need to continue this with our negative spouse. When that spouse is negative, we need to be assertive and counter that negativity with truth in a loving manner.

Here’s an example. You have a flat tire on the highway on your way to church. Your negative spouse may say something like, “Things always happen to me at the worse time. Now, I have to change a tire in my good clothes.”

You could let that comment go and not respond, which would be passive. Or you could be assertive and say something like, “Although it may be inconvenient to change a tire in good clothes, I sure am glad that this happened with both of us here…or I am glad this didn’t happen on the interstate…or I am glad this didn’t happen on the way to the hospital…or I sure am glad that this didn’t happen yesterday when it was raining, etc.”

Hopefully, you get the point. There are many ways to view the situation as positive. It just may take some creativity and intentionality to do it.

Paul:  A Character Study

As we’ve mentioned in our previous episodes on anger and marriage, Paul is a great example to fashion our lives after.  He withstood a great deal of trials being imprisoned, flogged, mocked, and endured all sorts of persecution.  Yet the man ALWAYS recognized God’s blessing and was grateful for His salvation.

If we lived out our salvation daily, what would that look like?  I think it would mean we should often have gratitude and grace on our lips. 

SHOW NOTES

This is our 4th episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” In each episode, we talk about unhealthy ways that spouses display anger and ways to correct it. This episode explores the faults with reading your spouse’s mind.

A Situation That Occurred Early In Their Marriage:  

The cordless phone hit the ground with an audible “thud” as I (Laura) hiked it across our front yard.  ‘I can’t believe him, he should understand why I’m upset!’ I spouted, making a fool of myself in front of God and the neighbors. 

I was in crisis mode. I was newly married, and I just couldn’t cope.  He was supposed to “get” me.  He was supposed to make everything right.

I was so wrong.  At twenty-seven, I may have seemingly married later in life, but in reality I was spiritually immature and at the time, incapable of having a conversation on the phone with my husband without launching it like a missile.

Less than two years before I had prayed that God send someone in my path to live life with.  Well, He sent someone, and I was ready to send him back. 

Fast-forward twelve years later to today.  We’re still married and have a one year old and surprise, surprise!!! WE’RE MARRIAGE COUNSELORS!  I no longer throw phones or spatulas for that matter—different story, maybe for a different day!

A Change of Heart

What changed? I had a heart condition.  No, not a literal ailment of the cardiovascular system, I had a problem with my figurative heart. 

I had unwittingly allowed years of negative coping mechanisms build walls up in my heart.  A past trauma had planted a seed that was deeply-rooted within me.  Everything I did to avoid the pain of confronting it walled me off from my husband. 

Our marriage was in jeopardy. I was faced with taking anti-depressants and therapy.  I didn’t take anti-depressants. I did, however, do a lot of hard work in therapy. 

Jesus Is Our Comforter

In my therapy work, I acknowledged a very simple fact that I had not allowed to be a part of my reality:  Jesus had been with me during the trauma.  His presence seemed more real than ever.  Not only had He been an eyewitness, He longed for me to reach out for Him.  He also wanted to be a part of my marriage.  

This was a turning-point for our marriage.  I had dug to the root of the problem, and with the Lord’s help, replaced it. 

I developed greater compassion and empathy for others who are hurting and became a therapist. As a spouse, I learned to take a frank look at myself in the mirror and take personal responsibility for what I said and what I did.  I became aware, through the Lord’s help, of certain behaviors that were detrimental to my marriage, and was able to become a better communicator to my husband. 

Ironically, when I look back at that day I made our phone a yard ornament, I realize that I wanted so much for my husband to “get” me, when I didn’t even “get” myself.

Hope For Change

No matter the kinds of trauma you have experienced in your life, you can unlearn negative coping mechanisms.  It may take the help of a counselor, pastor, or godly friend, but it can happen. 

If you’re like me, it may start with being confronted by your spouse.  Rather than playing defense, remember you’re on the same team.

Are you like I was, exclaiming, “he should ‘get’ me?”  If you are, there are plenty of people that struggle with this common communication error.  It’s called “misattribution” and it is one of the most detrimental problems we see couples facing in marriage counseling.  

What is “Misattribution?”  

Misattribution is mind-reading.  It is thinking that you know things about someone without them telling you.  It can also mean that you think others should know things about you without you telling them. 

Often a mind-reader jumps to conclusions without asking for the facts.  A lot of assumptions are made without clarifications. This results in thinking that someone has negative motives.

In my example that I (Laura) mentioned just a few minutes ago, I was pulling double-duty; I was mind-reading that Vincent should mind-read me!  Ultimately, I pinned Vincent as the villain because I was not direct with him.  I made a lot of assumptions about what I thought he should know.  

Oh No, I’m A Mind-Reader, What Can I Do About It?!?!?

First, it’s important to recognize that you may have a history of mind-reading or using misattributions.  This could have built up some walls in your relationship.  

It will be very important to learn to ask yourself “Do I need more information?” “Could I be missing something?”  BEFORE confronting your spouse.

Struggle for Men

A big misattribution for husbands is to assume that their wife is mad at them and that their wife wants them to fix a certain problem. The wife complains to the husband about the issues she faced during the day – maybe the kids, a broken appliance, or the in-laws.

The husband hears these complaints and thinks she wants him to fix it. Sometimes this may be the case, but many times she just wants him to listen. She wants to be understood.

Be Assertive

It will also be important to learn to be assertive.  This means learning to be direct in a loving manner.  It means expressing your feelings clearly without yelling or browbeating your spouse.

Many times people have talking down pat, but they are not good listeners.  Consider what the Bible says about confrontation:  

Proverbs 25: 8 says, “Do not bring hastily to court, for what will you do in the end if your neighbor puts you to shame?”

Solomon is talking about how foolish we appear when we accuse others or make assumptions about others without getting the facts.  He’s also saying we get ourselves and others into unnecessary trouble when we do this.

Advice From Jesus’s Brother

James, the brother of Jesus, gives instructions on how to talk to anyone, he says: 

James 1:19:  “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

When we are quick to listen, it means we get more facts.  IT DOES NOT MEAN think about what you’re going to say next while the person is talking. You’ll miss out on pertinent information, if you do this.

“Quick to listen” is giving a summary to the other person which shows them that you either understand or not. Don’t tell the person, “I understand”; instead show them you understand with a summary.