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030 Personal Growth: With Or Without a Relationship – Learn To Love Yourself

SHOW NOTES

Ever avoid being in your own company? A struggle with being single can push you into unhealthy relationships as a way to fight the fear of being on your own.

Today’s guest is Christy Johnson, a former ‘Love Junkies’ who constantly sought love through others and not through God and herself. She’s a speaker, author, and life coach. Her mission is to support women and feed their soul health.

Falling into bad relationships is big indicator that there is something within yourself that needs to be addressed; “baggage attracts baggage”. It can take a lifetime to realize that approval does not come from a partner, but from God and yourself.

“Be the person that you want to attract”

Nourish the soul

Look within and see how you can heal and love yourself. There’s a limit to our threshold when faced with adversity.

If we bottle in negativity and trauma, it will eventually pop out, be it physical or mental. Christy points out that ‘bitterness’ is Hebrew for ‘poison’; containing this energy within ourselves does no good to the body or the soul.

Unconditional love

God’s love is unconditional. It’s a liberating dynamic to realize we don’t need to seek approval from a partner, as God loves us no matter what. The Bible shows that it’s not our role to save or condemn people, but simply to love people as they are.

Unconditional love also requires forgiveness. The power of forgiving others and yourself is a huge step towards recovery, as Christy shares on the show how she coped from a family tragedy.

“We can’t learn to forgive if we haven’t been offended”

Boundaries

Learn how to guard your heart, and stop bitterness from others penetrate your soul. From simple things like leaving the house for ten minutes when things get stressful or dedicating ‘me-time’ a certain time each week. A habit of creating a comfortable atmosphere for both partners to address things helps solve issues much better together.

The fundamental concept of love in the Bible, love others as you would yourself, has been the cornerstone to Christy’s outlook and liberation. She’s now 19 years into a happy marriage with a healthy family.

It’s often when we’re pushed to the extreme and in the face of adversity that we recognize enough is enough, and things need to change: “God ministers to us when we’re at the end of ourselves and finally willing to listen”.

Resources

ChristyJohnson.org
Love Junkies by Christy Johnson
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Purchase Christy Johnson’s book below:

Stuck in toxic relationships? How do I get out of these cycles of emotional abuse? How do I LOVE myself? Christy Johnson, life coach, speaker and author, a self-described recovering “love junkie” explains what it takes to become whole and love yourself.

029 Personal Growth: Finding Hope Through Sexual Abuse with Paula Mosher Wallace

SHOW NOTES

We’ve explored through our podcast how abuse comes in so many forms, from domestic violence to abuse from the church. Today’s show is no exception, as it affects 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men: sexual abuse.

Our guest today is Paula Mosher Wallace – speaker, writer, life coach, co-host of Bloom Today and President of Bloom In The Dark. From her own experiences of childhood sexual abuse, Paula shares how it took her over 30 years to finally reveal her secret, and how she found healing.

Living a Life Pretending You’re Not Terminally Ill

Trauma from sexual abuse is normalized by the victim; it changes your viewpoint of world and instills the belief that you don’t deserve love. From an informal study conducted by Paula, victims on average take between 20 to 40 years until they reveal to someone that they have been sexually abused.

However, bottling up trauma “is like pretending you don’t have cancer” – it can physically kill you as it can drive you into drugs, alcohol, suicide, and abusive relationships, and it destroys those around you. There is a trauma that needs to be healed, just like cancer, and if you don’t treat it, it gets worse.

The Faulty Christian Mindset

There’s a common mindset amongst the Christian community that “if you’re a good enough Christian then you’ll get over it”. The reality is that evil exists in the world, and we need to stand and speak up – otherwise we allow satan to thrive on this evil. Victims needs to be believed and listened to, and abusers need to be held accountable, otherwise there’s no reason to stop.

“Don’t let the damage someone else did to you, stop you from reaching out and getting help”

Being sexually abused is an abuse of your control and safety, but you are in control of finding ways to heal. Paula hit the wall when she realized she was starting to destroy those close around her. Through years of learning, counseling, and helping others; she began to heal.

Paula’s mantra is “I might not reverse my past, but I can use the fertilizer of my past to bloom”. The first step is to know that you’re not alone; download Paula’s free ebook where you can hear the inspiring stories from other ex-victims.

Find a safe person you can confide with – a friend, mentor, pastor, counsellor, and you can start building your path to recovery. Paula’s faith in God spurred her on too, she shares: “God always told me it was part of my training”.

Resources:

BloomInTheDark.org
Bloom Today TV
Free book: Bloom In The Dark – True Stories of Hope and Redemption
Celebrate Recovery
‘A More Excellent Way’ by Dr. Henry Wright

Finding Hope Through Sexual Abuse. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have experienced it. Paula Mosher Wallace describes her experience as a sexual abuse survivor and the recovery process. Advice for survivor’s and those who love them.

028 Personal Growth: Domestic Abuse with Holly Ashley

SHOW NOTES

Our guest today, Holly Ashley, is a domestic violence victim advocate. Holly has worked in the domestic violence sphere for over 30 years, first starting as a victim of abuse. Today, she is an author, speaker, and Executive Director of Redemption, Restoration and Recovery.

She educates victims through Christ-centered domestic violence education, counseling, classes and training. She advocates the need to follow the biblical principles of a loving marriage, and the need to trust God.

Signs of domestic abuse

Research has shown that children brought up in an abusive home are 1500 times as likely to become victims of abuse or abusers when they grow up. It took decades for Holly to realize she was a victim of abuse.

Through a rocky childhood, Holly fell into abusive relationships: “If you come from chaos, you seek chaos, that’s all you know”. It can be hard to distinguish distorted thoughts from the past.

Abuse comes in many forms – physical and emotional. The victim’s thoughts are manipulated, and those close to the victim; so it’s easy to feel trapped.

“Domestic violence is not so much the lack of respect towards one another that causes the violence, but it is the ultimate breakdown of God’s design for marriage”

If you think you’re a victim, or suspect someone you know is, then check out the Danger Assessment and Safety Plan on Holly’s website.

Culture of ‘Man Up’ and ‘Minimize’

A big problem with domestic abuse is that it’s often brushed over by others. Both society and the Church need to change their attitude. Holly’s husband was a domestic abuse victim, and he was at first conditioned to ‘man up’.

For Holly, she was made to keep her abuse a secret. It’s a coping mechanism for others to keep the problem at bay – when on the contrary it catalyzes the problem even more. It’s Holly’s mission to raise awareness, and train churches how to best support victims.

“Stop praying for the right person – focus on God and you bringing glory to God”

Too often we are fixated on finding the perfect partner, which distracts us from putting God first. Holly’s a-ha moment was when she decided to stop seeking relationships as a way to deal with her past, and to focus on relationship with God and let his plan unravel.

The Bible teaches us to treat others as you wanted to be treated; a healthy relationship is the ultimate respect for another human being.

“Surround yourself with loving people”

It’s tempting to seek the love and approval of the abuser or a dysfunctional family, because it’s hard to fully recognize their negative impact. Holly’s advice is that you can still love people from afar. To fully grow and flourish, surround yourself with positive people.

Conflicting pasts echo in relationships as we seek ways to fill voids. In today’s secular world, it’s easy to neglect the biblical principles of relationships.

Holly shares her first hand experiences of domestic abuse, and how she came out on top with a happy marriage and an even stronger bond with God.

“To fully recover, it has to be in the heart, not just the head. You can know all the words from the Bible, but you need to truly commit to God”

Resources:

www.Redemption3.com
Danger Assessment
Safety Plan
National Coalition of Domestic Violence
End Violence Against Women International
Dr Henry Cloud ‘Changes That Heal’
Cross Strength Ministries

Why Do People Stay In Physically Abusive Relationships? Holly Ashley, domestic violence survivor and victim advocate shares her story along with helpful advice and resources to help those struggling with abuse. Includes danger assessment and safety plan.

027 Personal Growth: Spiritual Abuse At Church

SHOW NOTES

The church is the place we go to strengthen our bond with God, even more so when in moments of need. When spiritual abuse happens, it can be devastating.

We hear from today’s guest, Athena Dean Holtz, on how she got wrapped into a church cult for over 12 years, and how she got out of it. Athena is a speaker, author, publisher, blogger and radio presenter.

She works with people who have been victims of abuse at church, and helps them build their bond with God again.

“Savage wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock”

Those are the words from Acts 20:29, which teaches us that there will be individuals who will attack others and stray them away from the flock. Abuse comes in many forms – psychological, physical, sexual, financial, etc., and it convinces people to believe and behave in a certain way.

It makes it hard for people to recognize that they are being victims of abuse. It took Athena 12 years to spot that she was being abused into selling her business to the abuser, neglect her family and friends and almost turn her face against God.

False Prophets

Abusers from the church often pull teachings from the Scriptures out of context to “keep you down so they can be elevated”. Through a convincing portrayal of an exclusive circle, cults can be drawn to by our pride.

Often abusers prey on individuals who have a traumatized past that seek to be healed, or people who are very zealous and really want and obey God. Athena has learnt that so many of us are drawn to convincing, toxic people because we’re not fully addressing traumatizing pasts. That said, it can still trick anyone.

Walking Away

It took over a decade for Athena to finally realize that she was a victim of abuse. After having sold her business to her abuser, it was through some legal issues that pointed out fraud.

Athena’s initial reaction was to turn against God. But she decided to deal with the things that made her vulnerable in the first place through counseling: “it’s a very satisfying and healing process to go through”.

She made the decision to own her part in this mess – she had to speak up for all the family they ripped apart. Through blogging on notafraidtotellmystory.com, she stitched together all the bullet points that lead to how she got there.

The church is a powerful institution that is a place of healing. But lone wolves can still sneak in to build a pack, and abuse the church’s powers.

Cases like Athena’s show how debilitating it is to be abused – she lost her business, her family and her faith. We learn how knowledge is power – through a better understanding of cults, exploring our vulnerabilities and owning our part to the story is fundamental to healing and rebuilding trust in God.

Resources

AthenaDeanHoltz.com
www.Redemption-Press.com
‘Full Circle: Coming Home to the Faithfulness of God’ by Athena Dean Holtz

What is spiritual abuse? Spiritual abuse can cover a multitude of facets of a person’s life–their relationships, finances, sexuality and most importantly their relationships with God. Learn how Athena Dean Holtz overcame her experience with a cult and grew her faith.

026 Marriage: Disappointed in Your Spouse?

SHOW NOTES

Early in our marriage, I (Laura) was a terror. I was struggling with adjusting to my new living arrangement with someone who I was still getting to know AND I was trying to cope with some pretty severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

There were times where I would be home, depressed, and I would call Vincent at work. I would get frustrated. He did not make it better. I shutter at the thought that one time during one such calls, I threw my phone on the ground outside. Looking back, I can dissect the situation and understand where the breakdown occurred, but in the moment, I was an emotional mess.

Years of therapy would help me to see where my thinking was faulty and how to fix it. Now that I’m a therapist, this thing has come full circle.

As therapists we have come to expect an influx of new clients after Valentine’s Day. Without fail, one or both spouses are disappointed in the outcome of their Valentine’s experience.

The root of the issue really isn’t what was or wasn’t done, but an unspoken expectation that was not met. As a married couple, and as therapists, we’ve learned that this thing called marriage requires being direct – communicative.

It’s going to take a lot more time for your spouse to get to know you if you expect him to read your mind.

WHAT ARE THE MISTAKES WE MAKE THAT LEAD TO DISAPPOINTMENT AND HOW TO FIX THEM?

1.) HAVING UNSPOKEN EXPECTATIONS

Who’s fault is it really if your spouse does not do what you want him to do if you don’t tell him? Once you acknowledge that you’ve not fully voiced your expectation, let them know your expectation and give them grace for not knowing it to begin with.

2.) EXPECTING YOUR SPOUSE TO READ YOUR MIND

A kind of magical thinking that some people have is that their spouse should know how they feel about something, without discussion. Let go of the thinking that your spouse should know how you feel if you don’t tell them.

3.) USING THE WRONG LOVE LANGUAGE

By nature we use our own love language. As a married person, we have to shift our tendency to use our own love language and do the love language that our spouse has.

An example of this could be a wife who would love a piece of jewelry for Valentine’s Day (her love language is gifts), but her husband cuts the grass instead (he does it because he would love it if someone would cut the grass for him—his love language is acts of service.)

Check out Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” and take his five love languages test to determine your love languages.

4.) UNCLEAR COMMUNICATION

Many people are not very assertive. Oftentimes they are passive due to a fear of confrontation, because of this, they drop hints and/or make passive-aggressive statements that are not direct. If you have a thought or feeling, express it without aggression or in passing.

5.) NOT LISTENING

Whether you believe men and women are from different planets, or not, it is indisputable that we don’t always communicate clearly with one another. A large part of communication is not the speaking part.

Don’t get caught up in what you’re going to say next. LISTEN! Listening means showing your spouse that you hear him.

To do so, your body language needs to reflect it. Crossed arms, looking away, dismissive eye rolls do not show that you are hearing that person out. Empathetic listening, however, shows your spouse that you care enough to understand him.

How does empathetic listening work? Your spouse may be a pointer (Please listen to our Podcast Episode 2 to learn about the difference between Painters and Pointers and how to improve your communication), if so, you need to focus on the specifics, rather than talking a lot about a lot of different things.

If you’re married to a pointer, you need to have a laser focus on what your pointer spouse says. If your spouse is a painter, you need to show your painter spouse that you are listening.

This means asking questions about what they are talking about. Don’t be afraid of correction, just do it. They would rather you ask questions than not say anything and show no indication that you are listening.

CONCLUSION:

Today we’ve talked about five different mistakes that can lead to disappointment. Of course there are more, but if you work diligently on these, there will be much less opportunity for misunderstanding. We hope that these suggestions get you off to a great start!