There were many signs from God around Elisa “Lisa” Pulliam – today’s guest – signaling to her that she wasn’t practicing what she preached as a Christian. She was brought up with a cross necklace around her neck, yet behaved like a non-Christian.
We learn how through her faith crisis, she became a faithful believer, and why she supports so many individuals today to grow in their relationship with God. Today, Elisa Pulliam is an author, speaker, mentor, life coach, podcaster and founder of More To Be.
“In the times of trial and unknowing, we learn the most about the character of God and the truth of His word”
“Tell Me More About That”
In relationships, partners too often focus on what they should say next, and not what should be listen to next. This is parallel with our relationship with God; a deeply rich relationship is when you don’t jump to conclusions but unpack things and give more time to learn and understand why things are happening the way they are.
For Christians struggling to build a deep connection with God, it’s often at transitional points in our lives when we seek more clarity through things, and are more open to the signs from God around us.
Like An Endurance Runner
Lisa’s advice for people reading the Bible is to absorb it like an endurance runner and allow the depth and meaning from the words to grow through time. This means not to expect immediate effect and change from the first readings.
Many Christians feel frustrated when they check all the Godly boxes but don’t feel the depth in their relationship with God. Through Lisa’s mentoring, she encourages individuals to allow time and patience and let it absorb through daily training.
“When God changes us, He changes our legacy and then He changes the world”
Maybe you talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk as a Christian. Too often, a ‘faith crisis’ can bubble over time when you don’t pay full attention to signs and words around you from God.
But you can embrace your God-given purpose without insecurities or doubt by being more open, and train yourself for the long-run.
Elisa Pulliam, author of Unblinded Faith – Gaining Spiritual Sight Through Believing God’s WordUnblinded Faith – Gaining Spiritual Sight Through Believing God’s Word
Too often men believe they’re practicing Christians with ‘just a small problem’ when it comes to watching pornography and masturbating. But this ‘small problem’ is part of a bigger problem within themselves.
On today’s show, we’re joined by Nate Danser, a former sexual sinner who works at Pure Life Ministry in 2008 after completing their program. Nate’s conversion experience was when he knew that Jesus lives through all of us – including himself. For Jesus to fully grow and thrive, we needed to do what we can to allow Him to.
Bigger Picture
It’s important to dissect why men commit sexual sin. There’s a bigger picture to all this – it’s men behaving self-centered and not God-centerd.
The act of engaging with pornography is not the main problem – it’s a reflection of man being prideful, and how they seek love from others. Nate quotes Colossians 3:2: “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things”.
“Relying on our strengths is what keeps us from fixing the problem”
Seeking Godly support is a huge step in the recovery process. ‘Recovery’ is also a word with negative connotations, however, men from the Pure Life Ministry Program have not only recovered but they now flourish in their relationships with God. “Do what you can to allow Jesus to live His life in us.”
For Wives
It’s an overwhelming journey for the wife when she discovers her husband’s perversions. It’s important to seek Godly counsel.
Seeking opinion from close friends or others around you distorts the reality and emotions even more, which can negatively affect the husband’s path to recovery. By giving the husband time and space, he’s on the path to victory if he’s willing to repent.
Programs at Pure Life Ministry
All programs are taught by former sexual sinners. For more information, and to apply to one of their programs click here.
Residential: two phase program totaling 9 months on the 45 acre campus ($1000 induction fee + $195 weekly program fee). Must be over 18.
At Home: 12 weeks from home via phone call, this program is useful for young people ($800)
For Wives: 12 weeks from home via phone call, this program supports wives along the journey ($800)
Has sexual addiction or sexual sin come between you and your spouse? Nate Danser of Pure Life Ministries describes how to overcome sexual sin in your relationship.
I have a six inch scar across my lower abdomen that reminds me of a special day that happened nearly a year ago. Every time I shower or change clothes, I have memories of that day. I walked into a prenatal visit at my OB/GYN’s office and walked out of the hospital four days later.
Although that day was a bit scary for me, I know that along with our medical team, we did the right thing. For years, I had planned on having a natural childbirth.
In fact, I thought it my best option after experiencing some medical trauma years earlier. I felt that the least amount of medical intervention the better.
I’m not disappointed in my c-section even though I spent 12 weeks in a Bradley Natural Childbirth Class that met two hours per week. That’s a lot of prep work. That’s one of the reasons why my baby and I came out of this situation for the better.
It was not wasted time. My husband and I left that class with a better understanding of childbirth. It helped us when my condition and the baby’s deteriorated.
History of PTSD
Even though I have a history of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder associated with gynecological situations, my c-section experience did not revive those old demons. Don’t get me wrong. I was frightened.
I shook like a leaf, no, more like an entire tree, while my upper body was affixed to the operating table. It was part nerves and part narcotics.
Although I’m not disappointed in my c-section, I know others are disappointed in their own. For many like me, dreams were dashed the day that natural childbirth was trumped by surgical intervention.
Some women labor for hours and feel that they’ve come a tenth of a mile shy of the entire marathon when a c-section intervenes. It is a grieving process for many women. To not honor that is to keep a woman shackled to a secret pain.
National C-Section Awareness Month
That’s why it’s important we talk about National C-Section Awareness month. April is National C-Section Awareness Month. Cesarean Awareness Month is sponsored by the International Cesarean Awareness Network. ICAN is a non profit whose mission is “to improve maternal-child health by preventing unnecessary cesareans through education, providing support for cesarean recovery, and promoting Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC).”
C-section moms all have their own individual stories. It’s good to talk them out, to process them. Unfortunately, many women feel discouraged from doing this because of judgment.
Judgment that they “didn’t really give birth” that they “took the easy way out” is furthest from the truth.C-section is really the only major surgery where the patient is expected to care for someone else after the surgery.
Unlike other surgeries where the patient is considered the patient and is cared for after the fact, a c-section results in a new life that has to be cared for by the patient. I was very blessed to have many helpful helpers after my c-section. I realize that for some women this is not the case.
As the c-section rate climbs to 1 in 3 births, remember that many women are left traumatized by their experience. Dismissals such as “just be glad you have a healthy baby” do nothing to encourage healing. This means that even women who have positive c-section experiences need to be empathetic to those who have not.
Why I’m Not Disappointed in My C-Section. For years I had planned a natural birth, but as the day approached a dramatic change of events challenged my hopes.
A blended family is when a couple forms, and bring children from their previous families together. This undeniably brings in stress for the couple, as roles are questioned – do you replace the children’s other mother or father? How do you best treat everyone equally?
On this week’s show, we are joined by Willie and Rachel Scott, founders of Better Than Blended. With their own blended family of 7 children, they’ve learnt to focus on being Godly examples of a wife and husband, mother and father. They share with us the common barriers, and how to overcome them.
Rejection
The most common challenge for women is the feeling of rejection. When you don’t get the response you want from the blended family, it’s easy to feel rejected. It can be confusing where you stand, for example being the additional mother or that you can’t replace the children’s other mother.
But you can gather strength from this barrier, through the power of an outside perspective. You’re better able to view the overall dynamic within the family and see where the tensions are, and address them in an open way.
Discipline
Another pitfall is discipline, which men tend to struggle with in a blended family. When their authority is questioned, it can be a crush to their ego.
But it’s important to stick with it, and ensure that children learn morals through discipline. It shouldn’t be done for the sake of it, but for family members to learn from mistakes.
Developing open communication is key to this, by regularly reflecting over mistakes and ensuring how to best not repeat them again, it can create “short-term resistance but it’s healthy on the long-term”.
Having Fun
Willie and Rachel have learnt that adding fun and quality time between husband and wife has been instrumental to the growth of their relationship and family. They schedule in regular date nights so they can unwind and be more spontaneous – having seven children has not stopped them.
“In order to have an authentic, thriving family – you have to have that in your marriage first”
By modeling a healthy relationship to your children, they learn to model such relationships with their future partners. Open communication, and being Godly examples to one another, is the key to thriving blended family. The more you practice this open dynamic, the quicker you grow and address future stumbling blocks.
Willie and Rachel Scott, founders of Better Than BlendedCan my step-family thrive? The key to growing a healthy, vibrant blended family from Relationship Helpers interview with Willie & Rachel Scott. #betterthanblended
The average American is more likely to complain, get fed up or frustrated when they encounter difficult people. Just look at how quick we are to get upset in traffic or when we have to wait in line.
Anything that upsets our little, comfortable bubble challenges our patience and understanding. That’s why talking about abuse and abuse awareness is so important.
We have a tendency to put blinders on…to try to make ourselves more comfortable. If we refuse to try to understand someone, we don’t have to feel uncomfortable.
In our last four podcast episodes we have discussed different forms of abuse: spiritual abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. The purpose of these episodes is to provide resources to those who are hurting from abuse and to educate those who struggle with understanding it.
“Abuse is any breakdown, overt or subtle, in the God-intended nurturance stream from parent to child.”
As therapists we see regularly the impact of abuse from present day to soul wounds that occurred generations ago. From the first day of counseling, we are learning about a person’s history. We learn how they have come to be who and what they are now.
One of the things that we are mindful about when working someone is to understand very early on what their definition of abuse is.
At a first counseling session, our clients fill out an intake questionnaire, and one of the questions involves abuse. When we get them in session, however, sometimes we find they answer “no” on their form. But when we discuss their experiences, we learn that they have endured abuse.
DEFINITIONS OF DIFFERENT FORMS OF ABUSE
Laura defines abuse, in general, as marked by a person using their position, relationship or authority over another person to control them. In Love Is A Choice by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Paul Meier and Dr. Frank Minirth, abuse is described as “any breakdown, overt or subtle, in the God-intended nurturance stream from parent to child.”
There are a variety of sexual abuses. Sometimes married people, or people in sexual relationships, struggle to define an experience as “rape” because of their relationship status. It’s as if rape only happens by the hands of a stranger.
Another misconception about sexual abuse is that it only involves penetration. Many people do not consider being exposed to pornography as a child, being physically exposed to, having someone say inappropriate things about their body parts, or fondling as sexual abuse, but it is.
SPIRITUAL ABUSE
For spiritual abuse there are a myriad of things that can happen. A figure of religious authority or someone held in high esteem uses their position to control another person’s body, mind and/or finances.
PHYSICAL ABUSE
Physical abuse also has a variety of definitions. Our culture has created an archetype of what domestic violence looks like. We’ve all seen the movies where the woman covers her black eye with sunglasses. All physical abuse is not that easy to detect.
More often than not victims of domestic violence experience physical threats. Pushing, choking, burning with cigarettes, tripping, neglect, the list goes on and on.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Emotional abuse seems to be one of the most misunderstood abuses. Many people do not recognize themselves as abused because they were never hit. This is why when we work with clients it is so important to get an understanding of what their definition of abuse is.
Emotional abuse often involves psychological control and manipulation—it keeps a person feeling unsure of their worth in a relationship and feeling like it is emotionally “unsafe” to share their feelings.
HOW DOES ABUSE AFFECT SURVIVORS?
Vincent describes codependency as a word that many do not like to hear, but it plays a large part in how a survivor behaves. The use of the word codependency really arose out of what we learned in the 70’s and 80’s about families with substance abuse issues.
The term “codependency” does not apply exclusively to alcohol or substance abuse. Compulsions and addictions may arise in other areas like perfectionism, workaholism, raging, people-pleasing, etc.
CODEPENDENCY
Codependency is the belief that you are responsible for another person’s feelings. When a person is abused, it usually affects their behaviors. They develop coping mechanisms that may seem helpful at the time, but really hinder their future relationships.
An example of this would be passive avoidance. An emotionally abused child may grow up to feel threatened in their marriage relationship when normal day-to-day conflict arises.
Or someone can be passive-aggressive because they never really learned a healthy way to express their anger. They find more subtle ways of taking out their anger on others.
In Love is a Choice, we learn that codependency is an epidemic. If someone says they do not have codependency, that usually means they are in denial.
In our interview with Christy Johnson, she discussed how she came to a point in her abusive marriage where she was ready for help, but her husband was not. There is such an overwhelming need for healing because so many people suffer from abuse.
WHAT IS OUR ROLE AS THE CHURCH IN HELPING ABUSE SURVIVORS?
Paula Mosher Wallace mentioned in our interview with her that we need to be open to those who approach us. She described how a pastor’s wife of thirty-five years denied that anyone in her church had been abused.
Paula exposed this fallacy. She says that those who do not make themselves welcoming and emotionally safe for others to open up, will only perpetuate the shame. The church has to uncover the lies of shame and secrecy.
Bible studies, Sunday Schools, Life Groups, DivorceCare, GriefShare, and Celebrate Recovery are all opportunities for us to engage. If you’re in the position of not knowing what to do when someone approaches you, the church needs to offer resources that you can point them to.
When you get frustrated with someone, take a moment to consider that you have not walked a mile in their shoes. When you are out and about, know that many people you come in contact with have been and are currently being abused.
We live in a broken world filled with secrecy and shame. As the body of Christ, we need to welcome our brothers and sisters. We need to help them break the bonds of secrecy and shame, and support them as recover.
Could I Be Abused and Not Even Know It? Relationship Helpers and therapists Vincent & Laura Ketchie define the different forms of abuse and why some people are not aware it has happened to them.
