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010 Personal Growth: Nicole Greer Encourages You To Pursue Your Calling

SHOW NOTES

Nicole Greer is a speaker, trainer, facilitator, and business coach. She believes everyone has untapped potential and wants everyone to bring their “genius to the world.” People reach out to her to help find their mission and calling.

People are often told what they “ought to be” when they are growing up. Nicole had this experience until about ten years ago when she discovered coaching. Her business, Vibrant Coaching, allows her to teach people how to “bring their skills to the party.”

Through Vibrant Coaching, she helps people “shine” by encouraging them to fulfill their purpose and calling. Work isn’t work to her, it’s joy. She wants to encourage people to find this joy through their purpose.

Many love to be “the helper” or the person to work for someone else—they find security in it. Others are hardwired to take risks—Nicole helps people find how they are wired. Nicole finds that we are all comprised of a personality, habits, and a belief system.

Outside of these is the learning zone. The learning zone is where our personalities, habits and beliefs are tested. These parts of us are tested when we step outside of our comfort zones. You become more capable, the more you step outside of your comfort zone.

The SHINE Methodology

S (Self-Assessment)

What’s your personality, what are the lessons you’ve learned, what excites you?

Post World War II, the culture became centered on going to college and getting married. Nicole posits that this approach no longer fits our world.
Many Baby Boomers are not satisfied with life—the idea of enjoying your job is foreign.
Employers that are hiring want people who are passionate.
When you are passionate about something, you really don’t have to “sell yourself” to a prospective client, your passion shines forth.
People are attracted to us and our work when we do what we are passionate about.

H (Habit Work)

What are you habits? How do you decide to spend your time?

I (Integrity)

Everyone thinks they are people of integrity, but until you claim the life you want to live, and your decisions are made according to the life you want, you fall short of living with integrity
If I say I want to be thin and I eat a doughnut or I say I love my husband but talk bad about him, these actions place me outside of integrity

N (Next Right Steps)

Goal Setting. You need to make achievable, realistic goals in the right direction.

E (Energy)

Self Care–Learning to take care of intellectual, spiritual, financial, social, emotional, physical energies will help you better care for your family.
If one of these six energies aren’t being paid attention, someone will feel exhausted and/or overwhelmed.
If you pour yourself out, you’ve got to get re-filled.
You have to be intentional about taking care of yourself, you can’t just “hope” that it will happen.
It’s healthy for relationships to take time away from your loved ones to re-charge.
Your family will enjoy being around you more once you’ve re-charged.

The Most Important Relationship Skill

Nicole feels being an active listener is the top relationship skill to possess. If you can help people feel safe to speak, it helps them have better relationships. This goes for marriages and for executives in the business world.

Leaders should not just give orders, but listen to those working for them. You need to understand a person’s thinking by listening. You will better understand their heart and core values this way.

Groups

People need to learn how to be a part of a group. They need to learn how to innovate and communicate together by aligning and honoring their missions.

Nicole uses “the vibrant elements” described by Lori Beth Jones in her book “The Four Elements of Success” to guide clients to become more productive with their pursuits, as well as to operate with more integrity. Elements such as Earth, Water, Wind, and Fire are descriptors used to describe personalities.

For example, Earth is slower, steady, and someone with Wind wants to do things quickly. Fire is heat, passion. People can clash when one is Earth and the other is Fire. Self-assessment helps to better respect each other’s differences, as well as help for each to get along better.

Nicole provides an example of two sisters who have a business together. One is a “Earth/Fire”, the other is a “Wind/Fire.” Normally this would create conflicts, but if the sisters are intentional about how they approach the other using their knowledge of their differences, they can be more productive.

The “Wind” sister can be prepared for lots of questions and need for information from her “Earth” sister. She can teach herself to slow down to accommodate her sister’s need to take it more slowly.

Metaphor of a Seed & the Four Elements of Success Personality Types

If you take a seed and plant it into the earth, you must water it, the sun must heat it up and the wind must pollinate the plant for new plants to grow.

Earth—solid foundation, a place to rest, stable, firmly planted
Water—great nurturer, supportive, accommodating, go with the flow
Sun–helps to grow things, they drive growth, heat things up, brings energy.
The Wind—carries the growth farther, someone who can make things grow and go beyond just that one thing (pollinates)

Speed Round:

Biggest stumbling block with God: Me

What is the best advice you’ve ever received: Ann Starrette, a retreat leader and the Director of Spiritual Formation at Davidson United Methodist Church described Nicole’s biggest issue as jumping to conclusions based on assumptions, wasting energy on things that may not even be true or worth the attention. She suggested that Nicole ask more questions of others to prevent wasting so much time and energy based on assumptions.

Who do you admire the most other than a biblical figure? Ann Starrette, the director of Spiritual Formation at Davidson United Methodist Church. Nicole attended a retreat that Ann led. You can learn more about Ann’s work with spiritual formation and retreats at www.thelydiagroup.com. Her mission is to provide a space to grow.

What is your favorite book (besides the Bible)? Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. A book on gratitude.

What is your most effective relationship habit? Cooking. It creates a good atmosphere. It brings people around and creates conversation.

Parting Wisdom: Sit down, do some self-assessment, get the book “Simple Abundance”. Look at your habits, consider your character, ask yourself if you are living a life of integrity, and write some goals.

As the principal coach and CEO of Vibrant Coaching, Nicole Greer, PPCC helps individuals, corporations, government entities and non-profits become the people they were created to be through defining and fulfilling a mission, to work better in teams, and exemplify excellent leadership.

Resources:

Nicole Greer: www.vibrantcoaching.com 704-502-4953
Nicole@thevibrantcoach.com

Ann Starrette: Director of Spiritual Formation at Davidson UMC and creator of the Lydia Group. www.thelydiagroup.com

What’s your calling? Learn from Relationship Helper’s interview with Vibrant Coach Nicole Greer how to SHINE through your work as you pursue your purpose.

009 Grief/Loss: Secret Sisterhood of Miscarriage

SHOW NOTES

“The day I found out that I was having a missed miscarriage, I noticed pregnant women everywhere. No matter where I looked or who I saw, I was reminded that the baby inside of me was no longer alive.”

Laura Ketchie discusses a topic close to her heart—fetal loss. October is National Infant/Fetal Loss month.

Through her experiences, and working with others, Laura has learned that speaking about something difficult like miscarriage helps to lessen its secrecy and stigma. Nearly 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, yet it is not a topic that is spoken about much. She wants to better educate others about miscarriage and loss using her experience for others to relate to.

Laura has worked with women who have lost pregnancies through miscarriage and stillbirth and has found that her own losses have informed her approach to counseling women coping with loss. Her advice to those with loved ones struggling with loss is to slow down.

It can be really easy to say something trite and end up doing more harm than good. Often in attempts at trying to be helpful, loved ones can say hurtful things.

Be a “Presence”

She advises not focusing so much on what to “say”, but in being “in the moment with a grieving mother.” This really means being a “presence”. Allow the mother to speak or be quiet, if that’s what she needs.

Another word of advice from Laura goes out to others who have experienced miscarriage. It may not be helpful for those who have experienced miscarriage to tell a grieving woman “I know exactly how that feels.” It’s a well-intended statement, meant to make them feel relatable, but it is not exactly true.

Pregnancy loss is different for every single individual. One woman’s miscarriage may mean something totally different to her than another woman’s miscarriage means to that woman. Pregnancy has different meanings for different people.

Grief work has to be tailored to the specific person experiencing it. As a counselor, Laura honors that person’s view of what that person’s pregnancy meant to that person.

Even a person who has experienced multiple miscarriages will find different meanings attached to each pregnancy, and possibly feel different about each one.

How to Help a Grieving Mother

It sounds so simple—but be there for her. Be a presence. She may need her space, it’s okay if she does. Ask her if that’s what she wants right now. Your being a presence to her tells her that she’s not alone.

When you are with her, less is more with what you say. Because loss is such an individual experience, if you try to relate in the moment, it may backfire, leaving her feeling more alone.

What to Avoid Saying to a Grieving Mother

Loved ones really want to be helpful. Trying to help a loved one through loss can feel uncomfortable and awkward. Just remember that what that pregnancy meant to her, does not mean the same thing a pregnancy may mean to you.

Avoid saying things like “I understand.” Or “I lost my dog”. Or “God needed that little angel more in heaven” or “at least she or he never had to feel pain.” All of these statements are the loved one’s way of trying to relate or be there for the grieving woman, but they end up distancing her more.

Other hurtful comments are “you are still young, you can have more” or “you can always adopt.” They do not seem to understand that you are grieving the loss of THAT child. You had hopes for THAT child – not another child. Comments like “you can still have more” do not honor what THAT child meant to you and the hopes and dreams that you had for him or her.

Some Ways Grieving Mothers Respond

The meaning behind each pregnancy is different. So that woman’s feelings could be different, but there are certain patterns that seem to be commonly experienced by some women who have experienced pregnancy loss.

Laura has noticed from personal experience, and from other’s experiences that it’s not unusual to be hyper-aware of pregnant women and babies for an undetermined period of time. Grocery stores and stores selling baby products can also bring about emotion.

Also, many women who have had miscarriages will be mindful of or triggered by anniversaries, such as the day they learned they were pregnant, the day they announced their pregnancy, the due date for her baby, and how old the baby would be now if the baby had survived.

Pregnancy/Fetal Loss is Traumatic

Pregnancy and child loss are traumatic events and the mother can in many ways exhibit symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this, she needs to process her loss instead of burying it.

Pitfalls of Unprocessed Trauma

Unfortunately, a lot of marriages fail because of miscarriage. When spouses are unable to allow each other to process the loss together, the cost is oftentimes their marriage.

A lot of times the breakdown in the relationship has to do with how well the spouses communicate with one another. The baby may have meant one thing to one and another thing to the other spouse.

How we look at death is also a possible obstacle. Many times this has to do with what death meant to your family as a child, growing up. If a spouse shuts down and walls him or herself off during a time of loss, it isolates them both and drives a wedge in the relationship.

Ladies struggling with loss may also be experiencing the bondage of secrecy. Pregnancy and infant loss can be like depression.

The more you do not talk about it the more enslaved you become to its negativity. It’s by talking about it that the negativity loses its power. The chains begin to fall off.

The Secrecy and Stigma of Miscarriage

Death is a universally uncomfortable topic. Any time someone dies, we are faced with having to look at our own mortality.

Laura believes pregnancy loss is stigmatized because it is such a personal experience. There are very few rituals in coping with the loss of a pregnancy.

In other cultures there may be ways of honoring the lost pregnancy, but in Western culture we’re all happy about gender reveals and baby showers, and when the next baby will arrive. There typically are no ceremonies to recognize the deceased.

What little shred of closure someone could feel from experiencing a funeral is not what a woman who has had a miscarriage gets to experience. She is forced to either do nothing, or create her own way of honoring her lost child.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month

In October of 1988, President Ronald Reagan declared October National Pregnancy and Infant Loss month. He said, “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.”

He’s saying: these losses aren’t given a name.

A Script for Those Trying to Help a Loved One Grieve a Pregnancy Loss

Laura concludes today’s show with these words, “I would say that I cannot possibly ‘get’ what that pregnancy meant to you. I can only say what mine meant to me. We may share in that we have both lost, but I cannot know the feelings you had for that child.”

“Then I would say that there are people in this world who do not have all the answers, but they would like to sit with you and maybe just be quiet. Or talk. If that’s what you want.”

Relationship Helpers Site Links:

“A Word on Pregnancy/Infant Loss Month”

“Coping With Grief and Loss During the Holidays”

Have you or a loved one had a miscarriage? In “The Secret Sisterhood of Miscarriage,” Laura Ketchie, therapist, describes her experiences having lost, as well advice on coping. You will also find tips on how to comfort a loved one who has had a miscarriage with some DOs & DON’Ts.

008 Parenting: John Stengel Discusses the Dangers of the Internet

SHOW NOTES

Today’s guest is John Stengel, founder of the JSCM Group, a cyber security business helping companies set up firewalls and to protect their computers and employees from outsiders. His company was one of the first to do website blocking.

His company does testing assessments for churches and schools. They evaluate the likelihood of something going wrong with these organization’s computers. The original goal was to prevent employees from abusing company equipment, but it morphed into preventing harmful materials from being accessed on company computers, such as identities being stolen and pornography.

“Inappropriate material has become readily accessible to children now as schools and parents have armed them with technology such as laptops, I-Pads, and smartphones.”

John gives an example of how “guardrails” protect us in our internet usage. He states that if he were to go on a walk with someone, he is not likely to pick up a rock and through it through someone’s window, because he is with someone.

Because the internet is open in nature, there is no one monitoring your usage. The “fear factor” is gone. Risk avoidance is not taking place.

There are plenty of people out there to accept you, to support you giving you negative encouragement. Chat rooms can be like a form of peer pressure. We do things on the computer that we would never do anywhere else.

Children and teens are already prone to making bad decisions. Pairing them with this technology encourages risky behaviors that are seemingly “consequence free”.

Thirty years ago, a child would have to steal a pornographic magazine and deal with the consequences of being caught. Today a child can look at pornography online without being caught.

Google will present you with any image you want to see, and has made it difficult for those policing the internet to do anything about it.

The internet always offers someone out there that seems willing and understanding, leading you to bad decisions, whether its someone who takes your side when your marriage is struggling, or someone who will chat or message with a child who feels bad about himself.

The Dark Web

The dark web is an illegal underground marketplace. Sex trafficking, child pornography, drug purchases, etc. occur on these sites.

Children are easily recruited. There are certain tools that are used with computers to give someone access to the dark web. Children pass around these tools at school.

When your identity is stolen, it is sold on the dark web. The “Silk Road” is the Amazon of the dark web. It is where children buy drugs, and can get recruited into sex trafficking. The “secretiveness” is very appealing to children who are going through confusing periods in their lives.

Risks for Elementary VS. High School

The American Pediatric Association states that there are risks with putting children on devices too soon. Yet schools are putting them in the hands of children anyway.

Electronic devices affect brain development. They are missing human interaction. They are rewiring their brains in a way that can prevent developing important fine motor skills. John believes that it is okay to give elementary-aged children devices with limited usage.

Middle schoolers risk growing up too fast with devices. Sexting is becoming prominent amongst teens.

Children more likely to overshare information, communicate with adults unknowingly, and more likely to have sex at a younger age.

Teens are misled with apps that you can put pictures on that disappear after ten seconds, but unfortunately, someone can take a screenshot and use that picture however they please, leading to more child pornography. Everything you put out there is forever out there.

John warns that apps are meant for accessibility and that if someone says “you can’t do this” or “do that”, they are wrong.

He also warns about how employers and schools are looking into people’s profiles and can find unflattering information, if that person has overshared online.

Trends

Children are giving away their identities. Fake websites are luring kids through the allure of coupons and scholarships. Regardless of a company’s reputation or legitimacy, people’s identities can be stolen by security breaches.

Kids and parents need to be sparing about giving away your name and email address. Databases can be hacked.

Advice to Parents

Know what apps are on your kids phones. John says that with his own children they are required to check with him prior to purchasing an app. He goes onto his own device and researches the app prior to giving them permission to purchase the app. He does not allow computers in their rooms. He states he cannot stop what happens on the bus, but his monitoring at home hopefully influences their decisions when not at home
Don’t allow children to “chat” with others playing online games. John mentions Minecraft and how it is an opportunity for the wrong people to be in contact with children. This is the new form of “stranger danger”. John warns that if parents are “checked out”, their children will pay the consequences. You wouldn’t allow your child to walk up to strangers in the mall, why would you allow it at home?
Video games, internet, email, chat, and apps are all concerns. Don’t make them grow up too fast. Don’t be afraid to push back if others are trying to force your kids to get devices or phones.
Do educate your children. Help them understand why you are blocking and having restrictions. Let them know that you as parents even have restricted use. Let them know the risks. Our society’s view of computer technology can change, but it has to start with the parents. They must educate their children about the risks involved with device usage.

John Stengel, a cyber security expert, talks about internet safety for children.

Resources: www.opendns.org (website offering free “Family Shield” that parents can use on their computers to block adult content)

Visit the JSCM Group website for more information: jscmgroup.com

Child pornography, sex trafficking, identity theft, the dark web. As a parent and as a device-user, you need to know about these threats. Learn how to protect you and your family from John Stengel, cyber security expert, in his interview on Relationship Helpers and learn about free resources you can use to keep your family safe.

007 Parenting: Eleven Ways Parents Sabotage Their Kids’ Future & How To Stop

SHOW NOTES

From the day junior is born he is set forth on a learning journey. It’s a parent’s job to foster a learning environment. From day one he is being prepared for the day that he will be a self-supporting adult. I think our culture has lost sight of this.

We have gotten caught up in the minutiae of status, grades and extra-curricular activities. We have shirked the importance of learning the basics of life. Essentially, kids are growing into adults who do not know how to “adult”, but they can take a test.

I do not want to parent-shame. That will get us nowhere fast. Instead, I’d like to offer some alternatives to some common issues that have developed recently in our culture.

1.) Do not do your child’s homework or projects.

You can be a helpful presence if questions arise, but your child is going to school to learn, not to get an A. If your child chooses not to do his homework, let him see what the consequences are, rather than enabling him to never fail. Failure is one of life’s greatest teachers.

2.) Do not excuse your child from chores.

Being in a family means being a part of a team. Excusing a child from helping out sends the message that that child is set apart from others, more special than the rest. This can lead to a sense of entitlement.

Having them help around the house should be a weekly expectation and if need be, chores should be posted where the child can be reminded. Just because you have a project at work does not mean that you get a free pass from your other responsibilities, the same is true for your child. He needs to learn this now; his boss will not be his parent.

3.) Let’s Not Make Academics Priority One.

With the onslaught of charter schools, IB schools and other accelerated programs, I’m finding parents are pushing academics over life skills and kids are sorely losing out. Some parents are making striving in academics more important than other responsibilities—this is not reality. When your child becomes an adult he does not get a free pass from all other responsibilities at home because he has a project due at work.

4.) Teens Need Jobs.

Thirty years ago it would be almost unheard of for a parent to show up for a teen’s job interview. These days employers are shocked when parents are doing the talking for the teen.

A job interview is an important life lesson, and so is working with the public. It’s not a parent’s job to “protect” a child from difficult people. Nothing teaches conflict resolution skills like having to serve someone who is having a bad day. Make it clear that a summer job is expected, along with the possibility of a job during the school year.

5.) Allow Your Child to Order For Himself.

Kids need to learn that they can interact with authorities. One of the best and easiest learning environments for this is at a restaurant.

Your child knows what he wants, so why isn’t he saying it to the person who will actually serve him? Have him say it, or no burger.

6.) Teenagers Should Drive.

Being able to drive is a milestone in development. It creates a sense of freedom and responsibility that is necessary to prepare for living on one’s own.

Unless you live in an urban area where public transportation is the primary means for transportation, your fifteen year old needs to be driving.

7.) Kids Need to Handle Their Own Conflicts.

There are a few caveats for this one. Sometimes kids are thrust into situations that are not age appropriate and need parental guidance, but for the most part this is not the case.

Use discretion before jumping onto every little scuffle or disagreement. See how your child handles it first.

Your child may very well be learning conflict resolution without you being the teacher every time, and such is life. (Of course, the greatest teaching is modeling it yourself. Read more about “Five Things Your Kids Need To See You Do.”)

8.) Do Away With Micromanagement.

A child should be the most creative, wistful being on the planet. With the advent of smartphones, tablets, and incessant extra-curricular opportunities kids are becoming slaves to technology and time.

It’s almost like kids are not allowed to be kids any more. There is no freedom for “free play.”

Play is a major way kids learn. Denying them this freedom prevents them from learning in the best way they know how. This means giving them the time to play as they wish without the stipulation of a particular activity that you have chosen for them.

Let them use their imaginations. They NEED to be creative. (Not sure if you are micromanaging? Read “The Greatest Lessons That You Cannot Teach Your Children: Overcoming Helicopter Parenting.”)

9.) Family Time is a Must.

We live in a demanding world, but kids need to know that home is their foundation and the soft place to fall. This means protecting family time.

Kids should learn to have more mature conversations from sitting around the dinner table with everyone discussing their day. Let kids learn how to be mature from you. Don’t deny them this opportunity and let them learn how to be “mature” from other kids and the media. (Have a no technology at the table policy to ensure interaction.)

10.) Teach Your Child to Accept Responsibility for Failure.

Do not blame teachers or others for your child’s shortcomings. As much as your child is the light of your life, he’s human. He makes mistakes. He will be a more humble and agreeable human being if he is taught to own up to his failings.

This means taking a look at how you handle your own foibles. It means having to watch how you talk about situations in your own life. You may have easily blamed another, but deep down the problem resulted from your own shortcoming.

11.) Speak Positively.

Your kids are watching you. It is incredibly easy to complain. Oftentimes complaining is a result of blaming someone else for the way you feel.

Model a more positive attitude by catching yourself in the midst of a complaint. Say out-loud, “How could I look at this differently?” Watching mom correct herself says a lot to a child! (Concerned about your child’s future? Read “Five Things Your Child Needs More Than College.”)

Conclusion:

The culture of “low self-esteem” is rooted in a low sense of mastery. Young adults in massive numbers are feeling insecure and dissatisfied with life.

Many are feeling empty and powerless. Starting a child out early with the intention of helping him develop a sense of mastery over life skills will be one of the greatest experiences you can give him.

Remember: Sometimes teaching means getting out of the way.

Want your children to grow into well-adjusted adults? Learn how with “11 Ways Parents Sabotage Their Kids’ Future & How to Stop.” Therapist Laura Ketchie provides encouragement and helpful advice on how to turn negative parenting patterns into positive ones, in her free podcast and show notes.

006 Embracing Love: Steve Benson Talks About the Emotional Walls in People’s Lives That Keeps Them From Loving

SHOW NOTES

Author and Christian therapist, Steve Benson joins us today to discuss his book “Embracing Love: Living on the Other Side of Disconnected Relationships.” Steve has a Masters of Divinity and Masters of Counseling. He has been working with couples and families in private practice since leaving the mission field in the early 2000s.

The Wall Keeps Us From Loving People Genuinely

Steve’s work focuses on spiritual formation and how people relate to one another. He finds maturity develops through marriage and that marriage develops an individual’s ability to love someone other than himself.

In his book, Steve examines the concept of the wall that keeps people from loving one another as God intended. This wall forms as a type of coping mechanism or as self-protection.

Steve references Genesis 3 & 4, to show how fear and pride can impact the way people relate to one another via defensiveness and bitterness. The result is not loving people genuinely.

Until these walls are identified, they continue to struggle in their relationships. The fall of man has created this dysfunction.

Steve gives the example of Adam and Eve and how Adam blame-shifted. He gives Cain and Abel as an example of bitterness to show how early man struggled with these walls with resulting dysfunctional behaviors.

The Walls Keep Us Self-Centered

Steve’s work with addiction inspired him to look into people’s walls. Anger, rage and fear kept these people from having strong relationships.

These walls kept them from being vulnerable and loving other people. Steve quotes Tim Keller with “Life is not about what you can get, but what you can give” to emphasize how important it is that we love genuinely. Walls keep us self-centered.

The Wall of “The Teacher”

Living behind your wall means can mean feeling isolated, hurt, lonely and/or confused. Living behind the wall influences the roles you play and the way you communicate.

Steve gives the example of “The Teacher”, someone who tells others what to do, playing the part of the expert. This person gains their importance through knowing everything. This person is controlling and fearful.

The Wall of “The Swinger”

Steve also describes “The Swinger”, someone who swings from one relationship to another (romantic or otherwise.) This could be someone who dates someone shortly, gets a lot of deep emotions from her, and then moves to the next relationship.

A swinger relates to people by using people, allowing them to be vulnerable, and then drops them to move to the next relationship. This person is superficial in relationships.

The Wall of “The Clinger” and “The Pretender”

“The Clinger” is someone who uses people to be their emotional sounding boards. When someone lets them know they can’t handle their behavior, they move to another relationship.

“The Pretender” is the person who is a fair-weather friend, when things are good, they are great, but when things get tough, they drop the relationship. They hide behind an image.

The Wall of “The Rescuer”

“The Rescuer” is someone who is not really loving others, they are loving self. They hide behind their actions. They are behaving like what Steve describes “the fourth person of the Trinity.”

The rescuer gets their worth from how they can help others. They feel worthless when others do not follow their advice. This person needs to focus more on their identity in Christ, rather than feeling self-worth from helping others.

How To Live Beyond Our Walls

People live beyond their walls by understanding their stories. God is a God of stories and redemption. Psalm 139 can encourage us to be self-aware, which can apply to how you operate in relationships.

Asking yourself “What are my patterns, what am I doing, how am I doing it? What are my weaknesses?” is key.

Steve describes how that until he got married, he was only self-centered, but saw the effect of his sinfulness and how it impacted his wife. He gives an example of how his wife confronted him on his hearing issue, after being mortally embarrassed by his behavior in Wal-Mart.

Her confrontation forced him to realize that an issue that he just chalked up to a justifiable deficiency was a wall that he was hiding behind. He was being prideful and not taking responsibility for his actions.

We Need To Monitor And Examine Ourselves

We need to learn how to monitor ourselves. Be aware of how our patterns of behaviors affect others.

Steve gives the example of a pastor with ADHD who was inconsistent in his projects, then blamed others or his ADHD for not doing his job. People left his church. People could not trust what he said. He was not growing in God.

He became burned out and isolated. His blame-shifting and micro-managing had isolated him from relationships.

Through therapy, he became aware of how his behavior impacted others and of his blame-shifting. He developed skills for how to love others, to be consistent. This required him to confess and ask forgiveness. He became a learner and in about six months, turned his life around.

To tear down walls, look to the fruit of the spirit. You have to have repentance first.

Questions to ask yourself:

What motivates me?

What are my truths?

Part of contentment in life is accepting God’s love, knowing you do not need others acceptance, only God’s.

Accepting Zephaniah 3:17, into your life: “He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”

*Note that all client stories have been altered to protect their identities.

Steve Benson is a Christian counselor and the author of “Embracing Love: Living on the Other Side of Disconnected Relationships”

Resources:

www.groundedingrace.net

Christian Therapist Steve Benson’s book “Embracing Love: Living On The Other Side Of Disconnected Relationships“

Purchase Steve’s book below: