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SHOW NOTES:

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Relationship Helpers!  If you are joining us for the first time today, you are catching us in the midst of our dating series, “Eight Warning Signs You Might Need to Break Up.”  Today we discuss if your significant other apologizes and changes their behavior after their apology. Your hosts, Vincent and Laura, are marriage therapists and have been married thirteen years.

A THERAPIST WITH BAD COMMUNICATION CAUGHT

Laura begins with a situation that happened just last night.  Vincent arrived home after each of them had a L-O-N-G day.  He greets Laura with a hurried, “Hi, I love you. DID YOU GET THE MAIL?” Laura was upset by his obvious agenda. 

It seemed more important to ask her about the mail than to wish her a warm, affectionate greeting. Vincent explains that there had been a few evenings where the garage door was left open because he had forgotten to shut it because Laura had already gotten the mail, and that was why he greeted her the way he did. 

Laura encourages Vincent to consider how he would have felt if he were in her shoes.  Vincent is able to reflect how disingenuous the greeting would sound to him. 

Even though the Relationship Helpers are marriage therapists, they still have to work on communication—especially in moments where they are tired! Vincent notes how we addressed the situation last night and how because we are able to communicate our feelings, it did not become a cause for resentment later. 

TROUBLE THINKING UP OFFENSES

In coming up with this episode, Vincent and Laura had trouble coming up with situations where they had offenses against one another because they have become adept at communicating well when their feelings have been hurt. This means a lot of conflict resolution skills have been acquired. 

It has not happened overnight, however.  If you had interviewed them earlier in their marriage, it would be a totally different story. You can overcome conflict by learning how to communicate more clearly. 

Do They Apologize?

The ability to apologize and change behavior after the offense; to improve interactions later, is important.  Is your mate FAT (Faithful, Attentive, Teachable)?  This is an old acronym about how to be a good disciple, but this also makes a good spouse.

DO THEY HAVE A GOOD SELF-ASSESSMENT BAROMETER?

Laura mentions how there has been a shift in focus by educators and parents towards self-esteem in children and how that it has backfired. It’s created a false sense of self. Rather than improving character, it has created a few generations of people lacking in empathy. 

As a result, we have a large population of people unable to be in healthy relationships. Kids grow into adults who have not been given a measured sense of reality. They’ve not been given opportunities to learn from failure.

Instead of always praising them, they need healthy, constructive criticism so that they can learn to measure themselves, rather than thinking they are the greatest at everything they do. (Say bye-bye to participation trophies!)  Then they will learn how to accurately assess themselves, having developed a barometer for their performance and abilities.

STEPS OF AN APOLOGY

How does this pertain to apologizing?  When you are able to be self-critical in a non-judgmental way, you’re able to 1.) recognize when you’ve hurt someone, 2.) accept it, 3.) acknowledge it, 4.) be direct with the person you’ve hurt, 5.) explain how you’ve done it, and then 6.) show them how you’re going to change so it does not happen again.

These different components of an apology get lost in someone who has not learned to accept their failures and mistakes. 

Why Don’t People Apologize?

PRIDE

Pride— It can be particularly difficult for men to admit they are wrong.  They are afraid they will lose respect. Men really value respect. Men have a fear of being controlled. They feel like they have to be “big decision-maker”, not asking for help as should. (Think the man who won’t ask for directions.) 

It is difficult for women to admit they are wrong because may feel that they are losing control. They may be afraid of being “used.”

Another Therapist In The Wrong

Vincent references the book “Making Magnificent Marriages” by Dr. Jared Pingleton.  In it, Dr. Pingleton describes a time where he is watching a baseball game on tv. His wife approaches him and begins to talk. She is upset as he did not appear to hear her (he did not look at her while she was talking.)  Afterwards, Dr. Pingleton told her what she said verbatim.  During the next game, he had to prove a point to her.  He put two tvs together and watched two games at once.  He kept box score tallies up for both games at the same time to show her he was able to pay attention to two things at once.  

Ladies hearing this will find this absurd and can understand Ms. Pingleton’s continued dismay. Dr. Pingleton didn’t get the point—he obviously does now, as he is a couple’s therapist and is an expert on communication and sees the errors of his ways!  In other words, he learned that his body language needed to be validating to her. First, he had to get past his pride that he could prove to her that he could listen to her and a baseball game at the same time. 

Loss Of Respect?

For men, apologizing can really feel like a loss of respect.  For women, however, apologizing feels like they are losing control.  Women have a tendency to be more on top of keeping home-life together, and don’t like it if they don’t seem “put together.” They may take it to heart, feeling that they are a bad mother or bad wife. 

Another reason some women struggle with apologizing is that they have experienced trauma or have been “burned” in other relationships.  Sometimes this means they hide behind this tough facade to hide any sense of vulnerability.

WOMEN NEED TO HEAR “I’M SORRY.”

“Women need to hear “I’m sorry.” They are wired to need “peace” in the relationship. They need resolution between parties.  There is a biological difference in how women are “wired.” Generally speaking, men are built with greater upper body strength and larger statures. 

In the Bible it says that violent men take by force. Men have a tendency to do more damage. However, Dr. Jordan Petersen says that women are more likely to be aggressive in relationships.  When a man is aggressive, it’s likely to be more damaging.

World Is More Dangerous For Women

The world is more dangerous for women.  Laura describes a message that went viral recently on social media.  A sociologist stood in front of a white board and asked a large room full of men what they do to avoid getting sexually assaulted.  The room was quite for a moment. One person jokingly stated, “Don’t go to prison.” That was their only answer. 

The sociologist asked the same question to a room full of women, and the women completely filled his white board up with things women do to prevent sexual assault. Women face the threats of pregnancy and many times the results of STDs are more damaging to women. 

Female Nervous Systems Not Adapted For Women, But For Babies

Further, women’s nervous systems are adapted to the survival of babies. it’s meant to help them communicate with the infant. Women are sensitive to environmental threats in order to care and protect children. Women are the emotional barometers of relationships. They need their partners to be vulnerable. 

OVER-APOLOGIZE

Some people “over-apologize”. It can be received much like the “Boy Who Cried Wolf.”

Apology Worn Out

The value of the apology lessens when someone apologizes too much.  Over-apologizing may be a habit, but to the listener, resentment builds because these apologies seem meaningless.

Consider Other’s View Point

They need to consider how the other person feels about hearing so many apologies. In other words, they need to put themselves in the shoes of the person who hears all of these apologies.  Also, they need to re-evaluate their apologies based on whether they are actually changing their behavior after the apology.  

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Conflict Resolution—If you’re dating someone who is unable to apologize and/or unable to change their behavior after an apology, it is a predictor that the future of your relationship is troubled.

Understanding Where They Are Right & Where They Are Wrong

If they apologize, they can recognize their part in the conflict. Maybe the fact was right, but method of presenting wrong. A “right” apology means changed behavior. 

Address The Concern

If there is a lack of apology and/or changed behavior, it will be important to address it.  Starting a conversation with “I’ve noticed that when I tell you that you’ve said something to hurt my feelings you don’t change that…” 

How your partner responds to this conversation could tell you how teachable they are—how willing they are to bend.  Ask yourself “Should I be in a relationship with a person who is unwilling to be in a healthy relationship?” 

Be ready to say I’m not ready to make this a committed relationship until changes are made. Be prepared for your mate to continue to make mistakes after apologies. Having the conversation about apologies and changed behaviors is an ongoing thing. It is not something that happens once and is perfected. 

CONCLUSION

If you’re dating or a parent anticipating the dating years for your child, we hope that you’ve gained some new tips and insights into this very important topic. Be sure to check into our next episode when we discuss when your boyfriend or girlfriend excessively checks up on you.

SHOW NOTES

Songs have been written about them, tv shows have been named after them;  we’re talking about friends. Vincent’s teenage niece watches “Friends” and his seventy-nine year old father watches it, too.  There are some timeless truths to the show.  It speaks to relationships and who we are as people.

This is the 5th episode in our series 8 Warning Signs That You Might Need To Break Up. Today we dive into what a person’s friendships say about who they are as a person, and if these relationships are good indicators that they would be good to date.

What are their friendships like?  

What Are the Warning Signs of Unhealthy Relationships?

It is important to know how your significant other relates to friends, as this behavior could translate to how they relate and interact with you. 

1. No friends

If they don’t have friends, that’s a big concern. They will rely solely on you to get all of their emotional and social needs met, which is very unbalanced.  That’s a terrible burden to put on a mate. Having no friends is also an indicator of a lack of social skills.

In more extreme instances, a lack of friends could mean that the person suffers from a personality disorder, such as Anti-social Personality Disorder.  If that’s the case, it may be nearly impossible to be in a relationship with this person. Beware of someone who refuses to see that they have issues or problems.  People with personality disorders rarely reach out for help because they do not see that they have problems—everyone else is the problem, not them.

In less severe situations, you may want to address the what you are seeing, with sensitivity.  Begin with, “I’ve noticed that you avoid being in social situations…” rather than “You” statements. Sometimes someone struggling with a trauma background engage in self-protection behaviors that prevent them from seeking social situations. 

2. They are a fair weather friend.

What does this say about how they will be with you?  It’s a strong indicator that they are disloyal, and will run away when things are difficult. Consider that this person could be the same person uttering “in sickness and in health” during their wedding vows.  Does their behavior reflect that they would follow through with these vows?

3. They are a people-pleaser friend (they attract toxic people).

This one is subtle and many people trip up on it. People-pleasers tend to attract toxic people.  The people-pleaser gives and gives and gives and never says ‘no’.  They attract needy people, users, who take advantage of them. They feel, guilt, however, if they do not provide for the toxic person’sdemands.  Then they feel resentment for how their own needs aren’t being met.   

If you’re dating a people-pleaser, they may not have the time to give your relationship as they are too busy tending to other peoples’ toxicities.  They cannot provide you a healthy, balanced amount of time and attention as they are too busy not saying ‘no’ to others who drain their emotional energy. Their ability to be “present” with you will be lacking. 

4. Only have short-term friendships.

This person could get too close too quick and then conflict happens and they run or push them away. Many times those suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are charismatic, drawing people, towards them, but do not have the ability to maintain relationships as they are not able to be supportive of others. 

Vincent suggests being especially wary of someone who has lived in the same area for a long time and yet they have only had short-term friendships. What happened to the relationships from ten years ago?  Why didn’t those last if you didn’t move?

Healthy

1. Supportive of their friends and their friends are supportive of them—can share with each other.

This person is able to be excited for other people’s good news, but also share concerns.  They are able to celebrate through the good times, and support during the difficult times. This person shows that they care, whether that is being there during a funeral, attending a shower, or bringing food during a difficult time.

2. Long-term friendships.

Having long-term friendships is a good indication of stability and healthy relationships. This means that they have stuck with their friend through the good and bad times. It shows loyalty.

3. Spend balanced amount of time with friends (positive, not all negative).

Their priorities may be in question if there is an imbalance in time spent with friends.  This means that their time spent with friends is not continually infringing on family time. It is healthy to set aside time to hang out with friends, but it should be planned and in accordance with the family needs.

The time spent with friends should include positive and negative moments. This means that there are times that you hang out and have a good time, but also that you comfort them and attend the funeral of their parents or someone close to them when appropriate.

4. Different types of friends—from different spheres/groups.

If someone has friends in various places, it is a good indication that they are good at making friends and could possibly have a healthy social life.  As a side note, Laura mentions how bullying has had a lot of attention lately, and that much of it stems from an important missing factor:  friends in various places.  Children are less likely to be bullied when they have friends in multiple settings.  They are more well-rounded.

5. Able to resolve conflict.

If they are able to have differing opinions, discuss it, and come out on the other side and still be friends, it is a great indication that the person you are dating has healthy conflict resolution skills.  This doesn’t mean you avoid conflict, but that you are able to talk it through. 

Conclusion

Today’s episode encourages you to examine your significant other’s relationships with others.  How they relate to others is a pretty strong indication of how they will relate to you as a future spouse.  Hopefully today’s topic also stirred up some questions you may need to ask yourself about you and your own friendships. 

We hope you’ve enjoyed today’s episode, the fifth part in an eight part series “Eight Warning Signs You May Need to Break Up.” 

SHOW NOTES:

Happy Holidays from Relationship Helpers!  Speaking of the holidays, this is the time of year where family gets together the most. 

If you are dating, this could be an interesting and yet informative time in your relationship.  You may get a window into your significant other’s relationship with their family during this season.  This is the 4th episode in our series 8 Warning Signs That You Might Need To Break Up. Today, we offer some important points to ponder as you see your significant other interact or not interact with family.

If the holiday season brings about panic and night sweats, be sure to check out episode 013 “Stress-Free Holiday” where we give you tons of tips on taking the sweat out of the holidays. It’s not dating-related specifically, but is about managing family conflict, time management, and holiday planning. You’ll also find a FREE printable PDF on our website that will give you lots of help in de-stressing the holidays.

How Your Significant Other Gets Along With Their Family

1. AVOIDANT

When your significant other avoids family, it is not necessarily bad.  For instance, some people choose to distance themselves from family because they have created boundaries to protect themselves from a toxic, dysfunctional family.

It is important, however, that these boundaries have been communicated, rather than just avoiding the family.  If communicated, boundaries are healthy; otherwise avoiding someone is more like a wall.

Someone who is avoidant very well could have been taught to avoid conflict from their family.  Stonewalling, a form of avoidance, is an unhealthy way of avoiding conflict.  It is not communicating.  Many people develop this dysfunctional coping mechanism from their families.  It is basically being very obvious about not talking.

Another unhealthy way of coping with conflict in family is “sweeping it under the rug.”  This is when a point of conflict arises and no one addresses it. Because of this, there is a lack of genuineness and authenticity demonstrated in the family. So many people are holding back how they feel about things that they truly can’t bond as a family. 

Unspoken Rules

When this occurs, years of “unspoken rules” accumulate.  Unspoken rules are the points of conflict that a family intentionally avoids. This creates further emotional distance among the family members. 

If your significant other is avoiding family it is important to understand the reason behind it.  It’s also important to recognize any avoidance you may have with your own family. 

Don’t Use “Why” Questions

When trying to understand why your significant other avoids family, it’s important how you talk about it. Using “why” questions may raise defenses.  Rather, it’s more productive to make observations such as “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to want to spend time with such and such.” 

Be prepared to see this conversation not as just one discussion, but possibly a series of conversations as sometimes these topics are hot button issues and many times have deep-seated emotions involved. It can take a while for the person experiencing this to process all of these emotions and insights so it may take more than one conversation for them to get through it all. 

When someone avoids family because of toxicity, it’s important to know why.  That’s why the “I’ve noticed that you don’t want to spend time with such and such” conversation is important. You need to be aware of the boundaries, otherwise, they are walls. 

It’s important that if someone comes from a toxic family and are trying to create healthy boundaries, that the boundaries have been clearly articulated. Otherwise, more drama occurs as the family has no clue as to why a family member is avoiding them. 

2.  DEPENDENT

If your significant other does not have a job, still lives at home, and has no license, they are in many ways like they were in middle school.  It does not bode well for their emotional maturity, or their preparedness for a serious, adult relationship. Why should they be entering into potentially a legal and spiritual relationship (marriage) with someone if they are not responsible for themselves?

A terrible problem to acquire is marrying someone who thinks that you are going to take care of them.  If their parents have enabled them to be irresponsible and immature then they very well will expect you to treat them as their parents have. 

Magical Thinking?

Many times this immaturity or lack of responsibility can be seen through what therapists call “magical thinking.” This type of thinking is not realistic. Laura uses an example from the movie “Field of Dreams.”  The famous quote, “If you build it, they will come” can be exemplified by people who start businesses thinking that people will seek out their product or service without any efforts at marketing.

Magical thinking when you’re dealing with someone who is emotionally immature and irresponsible could look like someone who just expects to have the bills paid, food available and roof over their head without having to do any of it themselves.  

Magical thinking is especially troubling when it translates to romantic relationships, as one expects another to fulfill a fantasy that is unrealistic.  This could mean someone expects to have a home and a family without the work and responsibilities behind it. These days, that often means living at home with their parents as a married couple. 

Other Red Flags

Red flags that your significant other is too reliant on their parents:  They may not have transportation (able to get to and from places without mom or dad). Are they intentional about paying rent to their parents?, Do they rely on their parents solely for socialization? Are they able to make phone calls for themselves?  Fill out paperwork? 

It is important to note that some people who avoid making phone calls are experiencing social anxiety. Make the observation, “I’ve noticed that when it’s time to call in the pizza order you pass the phone to me.”  Avoiding making carry-out orders is not necessarily a deal-breaker, but it is important that you address this concern with your significant other. 

Switching gears, what if your significant other is too involved with a troubled family member? Is it possible that your significant other is enabling that person?  Do they have difficulty saying ‘no’ to people? Your significant other may have assertiveness issues.  

3.  Healthy Relationship

No one is completely 100% healthy in all areas.   When you are looking at a significant other and trying to determine if they have a healthy relationship with family, ask yourself:  Can this person have a healthy, adult conversation with their parents?  Are they able to resolve conflict in a healthy way?  Being part of a family that “doesn’t fight” means that they avoid conflict and are not able to resolve issues in a healthy manner. 

Are they able to say that their feelings are hurt? Are they assertive—speaking the truth in love, in a calm and relaxed manner without putting the other person down?

Low Emotional Environment (LEE)

What kind of environment does their family create emotionally?  A HEE (High Emotional Environment” is volatile and often has family members walking on egg shells. A Low Emotional Environment (LEE) is relaxed, and allows room for people to share their feelings during conflict without being met with aggression or chaos.   A LEE is not reactive, but proactive. It’s a safe emotional environment. 

What if family is forced together due to family business, terminal illness situations, living at parents’ home temporarily, etc.?

It is important for people to be able to switch gears and not always be doing family things together.  There needs to be a life outside of family to create balance. 

Purposeful Plan

If the living arrangement is living with the parents, clear communication needs to occur.  The purpose of living there needs to be spelled out.  There needs to be a plan, rather than parents allowing the person to stay there willy-nilly without expectations and an exit strategy discussed and planned with all parties. 

There needs to be an arrangement of how the person will help with rent and household duties. How will they make sure that they do not remain in this situation? 

Conclusion 

If you’re a parent, someone who is in the dating field, someone considering dating, or what have you, we hope that you have found today’s episode enlightening.  Be sure to tune in next time as we discuss the fifth part of our series “Eight Signs You Might Need to Break Up.”