Category: Marriage

017 Marriage: Date Night

SHOW NOTES

Introduction

Host Vincent Ketchie admits that he has not always been a great “dater.”  Sometimes he has been overeager and gone overboard, other times, he has not considered Laura’s feelings when planning a date.  Even still, there are times when his attitude is not all that great.

What Is A Healthy Date?

Expectations

Every couple needs to define what a great date would be.  Decide where you both feel most comfortable, where you both can enjoy your time together.  For some this may mean going out, for others it may mean having a very intentional “at home” date.

If you are a stay-at-home parent or you work at home, going out can create distance between you and your work, which helps to create a more relaxing environment.  It is about intentionally creating an atmosphere.  Ask yourself, “What are the boundaries I’m putting up to create a date atmosphere?”

Frequency & Duration

It is recommended that couples have date nights once a week, however, some unconventional options such as date days or date afternoons may work best for others.  It is important to have an extended time of reconnection, preferably three or four hours at a time.

It is best when you can establish a specific day and time for date nights as it helps to build anticipation and builds a boundary around your special time together.

Conversation

It is important for the couple to decide ahead of time on boundaries surrounding conversation.  Date night is not meant for tackling difficult issues. Keep date night free of stressful conversation.

A specific time should be set aside to discuss topics such as business, finances, family problems, and disciplining children.  A suggestion would be to call this time “family business time” and have a time set aside specific to it, so that it does not creep into date night fun.

Date night is about nurturing your relationship—a time to learn more about your spouse.  Dreaming together is important.

You can talk about the things that excite you—books, movies, activities, trips you want to go on with your family.  It could be an opportunity for deep spiritual connection, discussing what you have learned from Bible reading and/or devotions.

To learn how to make the best out of your conversation on date night, please listen to “Five Behaviors That Break Down A Conversation.”

Don’t Lose Sight of Your “Couplehood”

Spouses sometimes get caught up in their own individual lives.  Work, family, and other activities can create so much independence in spouses that time to reconnect is paramount.  They forget how to have fun together—how to be a couple.

Does Date Night Mean “Sex Night”?

Vincent and Laura discuss the sometimes unspoken expectation that having a date night ends in sex.  Laura suggests that this topic be discussed rather than setting up the situation for disappointment.

She does not, however, discourage spontaneous sex.  Couples need to communicate their expectations, but be open for spontaneity.

Forget Your Phone

The purpose of date night is to reconnect.  Smartphones are a distraction.  Discuss with your spouse the limits you two should place on smartphone usage during your date.  (This basically means, don’t mindlessly scroll through social media while your spouse is talking.  It’s understandable to have your phone for emergencies and if your kids are with a sitter.)

To learn more about how smartphone use breaks down conversation, listen to our podcast episode “Five Behaviors That Break Down Conversation.”

Planning Date Night

Vincent recommends that the husband take the initiative in planning date night.  Ideally, dates will involve activities that both spouses enjoy.  

Be intentional in planning activities.  One date may be an activity that only one spouse particularly enjoys, but with the plans of having other dates that the other spouse enjoys.

Spouse 101

Laura mentions that date night is an opportunity to learn more about your spouse.  Consider date night a fun course in getting to know your spouse better! It could be the best class you’ve ever taken!

Get back on track. Has your marriage lost its “umph”? Learn how to reconnect with your spouse through having date nights and how to build boundaries around your special time together.

013 Marriage: Stress-Free Family Holiday

SHOW NOTES

In the United States, we seem to go overboard with the holidays.  We want it all.  We want to do it all.  We want everyone (family) to spend time with us.  Like Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, we want the perfect Christmas.  But with these unrealistic expectations, we set ourselves up for not only failure, but a lot of stress.

“Other than loss and loneliness, I think the number one reason people struggle with the holidays is the inability to say ‘no’.”  Laura Ketchie, LPC

Holiday Scale of Stress

  • Staying at someone else’s home or having others to stay at your home.
  • Visiting multiple places in just matter of one or two days.
  • Providing food for these different situations when you are not at home to cook or have the time.
  • Sleeplessness (kids getting up early to see what Santa left, having a limited sleep due to late night parties, etc.)
  • Unhealthy food/beverage consumption.
  • Having to face awkwardness, unresolved family issues, anger, etc. that comes with being with family that you try to avoid year-round.

Staying at Someone Else’s Home

Here’s some questions to consider:

  • Does the host family struggle with boundaries?
  • Will you get a good night’s sleep?
  • Is it safe to stay there? Is it safe for the children?
  • Will staying at their house benefit or damage your relationship with them?
Possible Solutions
  1. Stay in a hotel.
  2. Pair staying in a hotel with some kind of excursion activity.
  3. Limit the amount of time that you stay. (Maybe only two nights instead of an entire week.)
  4. Write down expected boundaries and necessities and share that with the host.
  5. Don’t go every year.

Having Others To Stay At Your House

Here’s some questions to consider:

  • Is this an idea that you want to become a tradition?
  • What expectations do you have of your guests?
  • Food preparation? Who supplies what when?
  • When are you ready to receive guests?
  • Do you have other activities that do not involve your guests?
Possible Solutions
  1. Sit down with your spouse and plan. Write down your expectations and rules for your guests. (Example: The office is off-limits. Bedtime/Quiet time is 11pm.)
  2. Clearly communicate your expectations and rules to your guests.
  3. Ask your guests if they have any expectations or needs.
  4. Write down a schedule for activities and meals.
  5. Tell them that you cannot host them this year.

Visiting Multiple Places in the Matter of One or Two Days

The Result
  • Exhaustion
  • With little children, it is getting them out of a routine which has numerous negative effects – poor eating, poor sleep, crankiness (for the children too), worn down & more susceptible to sickness, etc.
  • More time spent traveling than with family.
  • No quality time spent with anyone. (Just a lot of “Hi & Byes”)
The Solution
  1. Rotate visitation. (Go to one side one year and the other the next.)
  2. Have them come to you. (Invite them to your house.)
  3. Visit one side the weekend before and the other side the weekend afterwards, but neither during the specific holiday.
  4. Just have the holiday with your nuclear family.

Providing Food When You Are Not Home To Cook Or Don’t Have the Time

Here’s some possible solutions:
  • Cook something and freeze it a month earlier.
  • Take shortcuts by buying pre-made food from your grocer’s deli.
  • Agree to be the one who brings the paper products.
  • Stop over-identifying with “what” you bring and put more focus on the “who” you will be with.

Sleeplessness

Results of Sleeplessness
  • Irritability – snap at people.
  • Headaches.
  • Difficulty concentrating.
  • More susceptible to sickness.
  • Greater car accident risk.
Solution for More Sleep
  • Extra nap time for kids and adults.
  • Allow for more time to travel. (Maybe leave a day early and stop and rest for the night.)
  • Go to bed earlier on Christmas Eve.
  • Sleep in late on the days afterward.

Unhealthy Food/Drink Consumption

The Holiday Consumption Mentality
  • The more you eat the better time that you will have.  (The same goes for alcohol consumption.)
  • I must eat a lot to show the cook that I liked it.
  • The food is so good I have to have seconds.
  • If I don’t eat Aunt May’s dessert, she will be offended.
The Results of Over-Consumption
  1. You feel tired and don’t have much energy.
  2. System may get out of whack.
  3. You can’t move as well.
  4. If too much alcohol, you may end saying and doing things that harm your relationships.
  5. You model this habit to your children.
  6. You have a lower self-image.
The Some Solutions for Healthy Eating and Drinking
  1. Prepare raw vegetables & fruit as part of meal or to snack on.
  2. Begin making healthy food choices before the holidays.
  3. Have water as an option to drink.
  4. Limit the amount of alcohol available.
  5. Make a pact with your spouse to eat less or stop eating when full.
  6. Tell them “I’ll take some home with me to eat” as not to offend them.

Dealing With Awkward, Unresolved Family Issues

Some Tips
  • Forget about trying to “change” the other person. Remember that you can only change you, and how you react to others.
  • Ask yourself at any given time “How am I making assumptions?” Assumptions and faulty expectations grow like a snowball in an avalanche.
  • Think of the fussy toddler rule. More than likely one of the reasons you feel agitated is that you’re hungry, tired, or cannot communicate your needs in a clear way. Learn to communicate. This means using “I feel statements” rather than the ALWAYS defensive “You statements.”
If You Must Talk About It ...
  • Make sure you are assertive and not aggressive or passive.
  • Before you open your mouth, make sure the atmosphere is appropriate.
    • Both seated.
    • No distractions. Think about your senses. Is there anything that will take away?
  • Speak honestly and directly in a relaxed manner.
    • Begin by using positive statements.
    • Talk about the meat using “I feel” statements.
    • Finish by talking about more positives.

“Being assertive is very intentional.”  Vincent Ketchie, LPC

HOW TO TAKE THE STRESS OUT OF THE HOLIDAYS–Prepare for family accommodations, family meal planning and family dysfunction with therapists Vincent & Laura Ketchie. They provide tips on how to have a more joyful holiday with your family.

012 Marriage: William Zajac Describes the “Unbeatable Marriage”

SHOW NOTES

William “Bill” Zajac has a passion for strengthening marriages.  He is an author, speaker, marriage coach, and business consultant.  He has developed the program “Unbeatable Marriage.”  His job is to deal with problem solving in marriage.

Failure lies in one degree of separation.  You have to continue to work on your marriage to make it work.  One, you can go after the root cause of your problem or you can learn the best practices in marriage and apply those to your marriage.

Bill created a random survey and learned about what makes strong couples.  There are five pillars that are foundational to maintaining a strong marriage.  The couple’s faith was a strong indicator of the couple’s relationship.  God is at the center of their marriage and their lives and are focused on service.

Through the surveys Bill learned that the number one indicator of the strength of a marriage was the friendship and compatibility of the couple.  It appeared in over half of thriving marriages.

“Romance and excitement is very important.  It is the number one desire of couples who have been married a while.”

Bill expected communication to be a primary reason why couples last, but only 15% indicated this in his surveys.  He believes that if you’re good friends, that communication flows more easily from them.

We cannot change anyone but ourselves.  It’s important to treat issues in a marriage not as the other person’s problem, but a problem with the relationship.

Signs that a couple needs to seek help:

Bill uses the analogy of the “boiled frog” to describe how marriage get in trouble.  You do not throw a frog in a pot of hot water, it will jump right out, but if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly adjust the heat, the frog will not know he’s cooked until its too late.  Careers gets in the way, kids activities, etc get in the way of the daily connection time, date nights etc. that help to maintain marriages.

Couples need to pray together.  Many couples go to church and pray for their food, but do not pray together.  Not praying together leads to a lack of spiritual connection with the couple.

Praying together is a very intimate act and centers the couple’s focus.  Bill advises taking baby steps in praying together, if it is not something that a couple normally practices.  Start with asking “What can I pray for you today?”  It’s difficult to have a poor attitude towards your spouse when you are praying for them.

After Bill finished writing the book, Bill learned that many people are in an “imaginary state of neutral” but that truthfully they are not in a good place.  Couples are growing apart. They are letting the important every day practices slide.

Many times couples let their marriages be less of a priority.  God should be first, then spouse, then children.  It’s important to model to your children what a good marriage looks like, or your children will learn to leave their spouses in last place.

The “Unbeatable Marriage” program is challenging.  The elements that make a good marriage are foreign to many.

Speed Round:

What is your most effective relationship skill?  Listening.  Trying to understand where your spouse is at, how is life going for them.  Listening with full intention.  Seek first to understand then to be understood.

What is your current passion?
How to generate change in these two areas: How do we get couples who think their marriages are okay to understand that they are not?  How do we create a burning desire in people to change?

Divorce has become minimized.  People think their lives will get better, and yet they have bought into a lie.  They will have the problems that brought them into divorce and more.

What has been your biggest stumbling block with God?  100% trusting in God.  My own ideas get in my way of trusting God.

What is the best advice you have ever received?  Are you playing the game of chess or are you playing the game of checkers?  Do you have the end game in mind or are you just making decisions at random (going through the motions every day).

Who do you admire the most, other than a biblical figure?  Pastor Farrell at Grace Covenant Church.  A great servant of God, always asking what he can do for you.

What is your favorite book besides the bible?  The Butterfly Effect.  A simple book about how everything we do in life can have an impact on other things later.  Helps the reader have a long term perspective.

What is your most effective relationship habit?  Start each day with connection time, pray together, then go about our day.  Also a weekly date night.

Parting wisdom:
Couples need to pray together daily, going out on weekly date nights, couples need to get away together outside of normal routine, they need to work and plan.

 

William J. Zajac, author of Unbeatable Marriage

Order Unbeatable Marriage below:

 

005 – Vincent & Laura Discuss “Seven Signs Your Marriage Is Susceptible To An Affair”

SHOW NOTES

1.)  “My spouse will never have an affair on me.”

Marriages are a covenant – a promise to God and to spouse that you will be faithful to each other. Some people take these marriage vows as a guarantee. They believe – “My spouse would never have an affair. He is upright and honest. He is a good Christian. This could never happen.”

They take their spouse’s good-heartedness and loyalty for granted. They continue to neglect the marriage to help the seemingly weaker or more volatile relationships.

They focus more on the kids. They put more time into their work relationships. All of this weakens the marriage. The marriage is taken for granted.

The truth is that all marriages are susceptible to infidelity. A couple has to invest time and effort to maintain the relationship. They must constantly be working on improving it.

No marriage has a guarantee. Once you start believing that yours does, then you begin to put your marriage at risk.

2.)  “We never have conflicts.”

Every couple should have disagreements. Conflict is healthy. No one agrees exactly with someone else on everything all the time.

It is good for a couple to discuss issues that they do agree upon. If conflict is handled well, then the relationship grows and prospers.

When there is no conflict, then someone is not being honest and truthful about how they feel. They are being passive. Anger will build in this passive person, and sooner or later they will express it either aggressively or passive-aggressively.

An affair is very passive-aggressive way of expressing anger.  For more information on handling conflict, read my article “SLOW DOWN! Practical Ways To Handle Conflict.”

3.)  “We don’t have dates.”

Let me first define a “date.” When many people (aka women) think of a date, they picture an expensive meal and an extravagant outing. This most definitely qualifies, but this does not always have to be the case.

A date is planned time spent between two people, usually involving food, but not involving other dependents (ie., kids or their elderly mother) where you get to know each other better.

The key to a date is that it is intentional. Both people are setting boundaries around their time spent together.

Dates always involve a lot of conversation, but they do not always have to cost a lot of money. Dates can be inexpensive like a picnic and a walk.

4.)  “I never use his cellphone.”

Healthy marriages should be honest and open. Whenever spouses are secretive with their cellphone or computer, then there is reason for alarm.

Spouses should be comfortable using each other’s electronic or communication devices. Your spouse has the right to know who you talk to and when.

But it is not healthy for your spouse to be constantly checking up on you. They should not have to, but they have the right.

Your communication with others should be so forthright that they need not to worry. However, in crisis situations, your spouse may have to examine your communication with others.

5.)  “I don’t know what the bills are or how much money he makes.”

Both husbands and wives should be aware of the amount money that is coming in and going out of their checking and savings accounts. Both spouses need access to the financial information in a marriage.

In a healthy marriage, you and your spouse make financial decisions together. You discuss large purchases, spending allowances, and your budget together.

Both of you understand how much bills are and the cost of household expenditures. Honesty and openness with your money discourages the temptation of adultery.  (Having trouble talking to your husband, check out this article:  “How To Get Your Husband To Talk About His Feelings”.)

6.)  “We never pray together.”

Time in prayer together always strengthens a marriage. Sincere prayer is powerful.

Prayer encourages the weak. It convicts the guilty. It breaks hardened hearts. It mends souls.

When a couple allows the holy spirit to guide them, amazing things can happen. The sinning spouse feels compelled to confess.

The offended softens their heart to the sinner while becoming more angry toward the sin. Both are positive ways of building a strong relationship.

7.)  “We don’t agree on parenting.”

One disagreement on parenting doesn’t mean that a spouse is necessarily going to have an affair, but it does create a rift between the husband and wife.

What do children do when there is confusion and lack of cohesiveness with the parenting? They exploit it to get what they want.

They ask dad and if he says no, they ask mom. They find the weak link and get their way. This is unhealthy for the kid, and very unhealthy for the relationship.

If an amicable agreement is not reached, then this parenting issue can cause further divide in the relationship. The anger in one spouse may reach the point to where they feel justified in talking to someone else of the opposite sex about how unreasonable their spouse is.  From there, the door could be opened to an emotional affair.  

Is it difficult for you to get your point across to your husband?  Here’s a skill that will help:  “The Most Misunderstood Couples Skill”.

Are you being blindsided by your spouse?  If your spouse is having an affair, check out my article, “So Your Spouse Is Having an Affair…A Practical Christian Guide.”

Think your marriage is affair-proof? Think again. Relationship Helpers Laura and Vincent Ketchie provide helpful tips in encouraging better habits to prevent affairs in “Seven Signs Your Marriage is Susceptible to an Affair.”

002: Dr. David Ludwig Discusses His Communication Typology “Painters & Pointers and more

SHOW NOTES

Dr. David Ludwig is today’s guest. He is a professor at Lenoir Rhyne University, a psychologist and an ordained minister in the Lutheran church. He joins us to discuss how couples get tripped up in their communication styles and lose sight of the “we” of the relationship.

His Background

Dr. Ludwig begins with his background. He was in seminary and in university at the same time when it occurred to him that it is important to understand how psychology and spirituality could work in tandem, rather than separately.

Both fields seemed to deal with soul, only they dealt with the soul differently. Dr. Ludwig decided to marry the two.

Dr. Ludwig has worked mainly with marriages. He sees the marriage relationship as the foundation of the family.

He starts with the part of the relationship that has the power. Trying to change the other person is not operating from a place of power. Dr. Ludwig helps spouses see that they are different from one another, especially in how they communicate.

Painter and Pointers

Dr. Ludwig has created the “Painter/Pointer” typology. Painters communicate by painting a picture with their words. They cannot “think” without talking it out first. They think out loud.

Pointers, on the other hand, think things through before they speak and then when they do speak what they say is to the point. Painters “paint” a picture when communicating, whilst pointers are more like a file on the computer.

Listening Instructions:

A painter must “click” on the file of the pointer. In other words, pay attention to the first words of a pointer’s statement because that is the “point” that he or she is trying to get across.

A pointer must learn to sit back and enjoy what the painter has to say, understanding that the painter MUST “paint” the picture in order to express him/herself. Then, the pointer must summarize what the painter said. This summary shows the painter that he/she understands the feeling behind what is being said.

How the Bad Mood Settles In:

Frustration occurs when painters attempt to get “feeling” out of a pointer, or when pointers get impatient with listening to the painters “paint”.

Painters feel that pointers don’t care about them, or feel that they are not being listened to. Painters don’t feel heard or valued. They feel lonely.

Pointers feel blamed. Often pointers try to fix things, which makes painters feel like they are not being listened to. Conversations then go nowhere and a bad mood settles in.

Painters use words such as “never” to when they are frustrated. Pointers get frustrated by this because it is not necessarily literal. The Painter is using the word for effect.

Painters specialize in being prepared. They can get anxious because they look into what’s going to happen in the future. The Pointer finds this to be “over-reacting”.

If a Pointer allows a Painter to “think out loud”, then the Pointer is valuing the Painter and allowing them to fix themselves.

Painters want to know what Pointers are thinking. They often make the Pointers mad just to get emotion out of them.

Painters Marry Pointers

In an overwhelming majority of cases, Painters marry Pointers.

For Painters to better understand Pointers, Painters must be specific about their questions. Don’t ask a number of questions, instead, zero on one word of their short response and a question specific to that one word.

If you’re not getting emotion from a Pointer, you’re not “clicking” on what he has to say. Pointers do not allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable.

Painters feel that Pointers are hiding things from them. When actually, the Pointer has revealed things, just not in a way that the Painter understands.

Dr. Ludwig is the developer of the “Painters & Pointers” communication typology.

Resources:

To watch some videos on “Painters & Pointers” : Painters & Pointers videos

Click here to purchase Dr. Ludwig’s latest book:

Having a problem with communication? Find out if you’re a painter or a pointer. Knowing which type you are will help you better communicate with your spouse. Dr. David Ludwig explains how your communication style could be getting in the way of satisfying conversation and how to overcome it.