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SHOW NOTES

This is our 3rd episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” In each episode, we talk about unhealthy ways that spouses display anger and ways to correct it.

Intro:  “He’s all about the sex.”  “He’s all about the money.”  “She’s a witch.”  “She is so selfish.”  These are common complaints that we hear in our marriage counseling practice. 

What do these statements accomplish?  They arouse anger.  Comments such as these usually inspire defensiveness from the offended spouse and a heated exchange escalates.

Labeling Definition:  In counseling, we call this global labeling.  These are harsh judgments that are extreme and create anger without regard to anything good.

Examples of Labeling:  Labeling can take different forms.  The most obvious would be name calling.  Calling someone a jerk, stupid, or a witch would be examples.  

Labels can be a little more subtle, as well.  Telling someone that they are “all about sex” or “all about money” are examples. 

Regardless of whether the labeling spouse uses name calling or examples such as these, it shows that they perceive things in extremes.  And that is what global labeling is all about.  It is “black or white thinking.”  

What Causes Someone to Label?

Depression

Depression is a great liar.  It is riddled with “unhelpful thinking habits.”  Global labeling is a common hallmark of depression. 

Many times global labeling is more subtle and self-inflicted when depression is involved.  Usually depression involves an inner dialogue of untruths a person believes about themselves and the world around them. An example would be, “I’m never good enough,” or “everyone hates me.”

If you’re in a relationship with a depressed person, you may find it difficult to communicate with them.  Depression often turns an individual inward and it can come across as self-focused, leaving the significant other feeling ignored.

Depression colors a person’s outlook.  Because of this, someone married to a depressed person may feel that it is a struggle to enjoy life together and to have positive conversations.

Low Self-Worth (Self-Esteem)

Low self-esteem and insecurity go hand in hand.  A person may have quite the bravado, but it is a mask for a sense of low self-worth.  This person may use labelling abusively to keep a spouse “in their place.”

This would be the person that calls a spouse “stupid” or any number of belittling insults. A person with low-self esteem is not always the timid wallflower.  Ironically, people with low self-esteem can be aggressive.

A person with low self-worth is often too focused on themselves. They don’t take the time to find out or care why a person is behaving a certain way or another. It is easier for them to use this “black and white thinking” when the truth is that the other person is much more complicated. 

It is difficult for them to look outside of themselves and see how that person may be hurting or is just using their behaviors as negative coping mechanisms.

Ways to Overcome Labeling:

If you find yourself insulting your spouse by name calling, or if you make extreme judgments about that person openly or even subtly, the only way you’re going to overcome it is with a repentant heart. 

It’s recognizing that you’ve sinned against that person and that you need to change your behavior.  An apology is not enough. A true apology is changed behavior lived out. 

Colossians 3:7-8 says, “You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language.”

Ephesians 4:29-31 says, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.”

Vincent’s homework: Vincent explains homework that he gives many of his couples and families that he counsels. For every 1 put-down, give 3 compliments. The person who was given the put-down is the judge of whether the statement, gesture, tone, or phrase was a put-down to them.

This simple rule or homework can really help couples and families to slow down with their name-calling and poor speech to one another.

We want God-honoring marriages.  James, the brother of Jesus, says in James 1:20:   “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Anger used inappropriately can be very damaging in relationships. It can cause separation and isolation.

Let’s build up our spouses using the principles behind Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

Practice speaking your gratitude.  Let your spouse know the things about them that you appreciate.  Encourage them.  You will go much farther with these precious marriage skills than cutting someone down to put them in their place, because aren’t we all lowly and in need of a Savior?  

SHOW NOTES

Introduction

(Laura):  I hated football early in our marriage—and in one way or another, I let my husband know.  Unfortunately,  I let him know while at football games.  The sun was too bright, it was too hot, no one scored, the wrong team scored.  It didn’t matter. 

I made a big deal out of it.  I don’t do this now.  It’s important to me that my husband spend time doing something he enjoys, and I can muster the wherewithal to be pleasant and show him support.  I don’t have to complain—I can look for the silver-linings.  

We all have Eeyores and George Castanzas in our lives.  These are people that are chronically negative.  They are the Debbie Downers that don’t see the good things right under their noses.  

In today’s episode, we are going to discuss “MAGNIFYING.”  This is our 2nd episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” 

What is MAGNIFYING?

Magnifying is blowing things out of proportion.  A person who magnifies exaggerates the negative and provokes angry responses.  

Who Magnifies?

Often people who are guilty of magnifying fall into one or several camps.

• Depression  
• Anxiety
• Perfectionism  
• Personality Disorder (Denial)

Depression

Let’s look at depression.  Depression is often marked by emotional reasoning.  Emotional reasoning is a thinking habit.  It’s the false belief – because something goes wrong that everything else will.  

Eeyore comes to mind.  He is chronically negative.  He is also the master of exaggerating.  He has trouble seeing the good in his life, namely the support he has from his friends.  Eeyore can’t see the honeycomb for the bees.  Pooh, on the other hand, gravitates to the beehive.  Oftentimes, he recruits some friends to help. 

Pooh is able to take a difficult situation and see the good in it. He even find moral support along the way.

Anxiety

Living with anxiety is like living with a worry monster in your head.  It dictates what you do, what you say, and how you behave.  This can negatively impact relationships as it is self-focused and can ignore the needs of others.  The anxiety can overpower a person’s ability to see how it may be affecting another person.

A common scenario we see as couples counselors is disagreements surrounding in-laws.  A situation such as Christmas at the in-laws can bring lots of stress.  (Be sure to reference our “Stress-Free Holiday” Podcast episode if you struggle with this.)  A spouse can ruminate over a particular in-law and how disagreeable that person is.  Meanwhile, they miss all the good that is happening around them and make others miserable.

Perfectionism

Many times perfectionism and anxiety go hand-in-glove.  This person struggles with a kind of fear.  It could be a fear of failure or fear of rejection. It bleeds into relationships.  This person can be so focused on controlling something that the behavior ends up controlling someone.  

A perfectionist could nit-pick a spouse to death, making it difficult for the two to have cordial, productive conversations.  This person could say “the car ride we took to Disney was horrible.”  Which can make implications that the other spouse’s company was not appreciated.

Personality Disorders

People with personality disorders often struggle in relationships.  One of the biggest red flags that someone has a personality disorder is their inability to recognize their faults or see that they have issues.  Because of this, everyone else is to blame. 

This person often behaves dramatically to emphasize their reaction to just how “bad” others are.  Essentially, this person is in a great deal of denial.  Don’t misunderstand me,  not all people that live in denial have personality disorders.  

Oh, No! I Magnify!  What Can I Do to Stop It!

First, I would recommend taking a look it yourself.  Are you depressed?  Anxious?  A perfectionist?  Are you in denial over something?  If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these, it’s important to seek help.  Your relationships will improve if you work on these things.  

Next,  I would suggest catching yourself in the act.  When you find yourself in the midst of magnifying, stop and ask yourself this:  “Is this really that bad?”  Another thing to remember to tell yourself is “I may be irritated right now, but I can deal with it.”

What Does the Bible Say?

In Philippians 4, Paul exhorts them to put their focus on the Lord always. He specifically tells them not to be anxious, but to consistently bring their thoughts and prayers to Jesus. In Philippians 4: 8, Paul says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

In Colossians 3 and in Ephesians 5, Paul encourages the church to be thankful and sing songs of gratitude. In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Pauls says, “Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

James seems to go a step further. At the beginning of his letter (James 1:2), he says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” James encourages Christians to rejoice in trials or difficult circumstances.

What If It Is My Spouse Who Magnifies?

Boundaries will be key.  Ask them,  “Is it really that bad?”  And empathize.  Acknowledge that they are frustrated, but also help them to see that they can handle it.

We hope that today’s episode ups your communication skills game.  When we’re angry, it can be really easy to use poor communication.  Today’s tips can prevent you from blowing a disagreement out of proportion and can stall out unnecessary escalations. 

SHOW NOTES

On today’s show, we discuss how to avoid blame in marriage.  This is the 1st episode in our series of “Anger in Marriage.” The episode begins with a disagreement Laura and Vincent had the night before. 

The scenario:  Vincent comes home late from a very long, challenging day at work.  Laura, meanwhile, has had a tedious day working from home.  Needless to say, both were “done” with the day.  This set the tone for their interaction when Vincent got home. 

Vincent comes home to find Laura in the living room, feeding the baby to vocal trainers on YouTube.  This wasn’t exactly his idea of a relaxing atmosphere.  What was helping Laura wind down, was not Vincent’s cup of tea.  Vincent said  that he wanted to watch something else, but Laura continued to watch another video.  

Vincent got angry.  Laura left the room.  Laura admits she did not put forth the effort to communicate clearly. 

She made the assumption that if she left the room, Vincent would follow.  Instead, he sat in the living room with the tv off, waiting on her.  Meanwhile, Laura is in lying in bed, waiting on Vincent. 

Be Mindful of How You Are and The Atmosphere 

Operating on little energy, having a rough day, and being tired and hungry are the times where we need to be the most mindful of how we treat our loved ones.  However, these are the times we struggle the most with using our communication skills.

How does this tie into blaming?  Laura admits to blaming Vincent that night.  She had gotten stuck on a comment he had said about wishing he could have been home that day instead. 

Laura felt that Vincent was saying that she had an easier job than him, which influenced what she said and how she behaved towards him.  She admits that she has struggled for the entirety of their marriage with wanting Vincent to read her mind. 

For Laura, it has taken time and practice to develop communication skills in being more direct and learning to better express her feelings.

Laura and Vincent introduce today’s topic of blaming as the first in a series of episodes on anger.  

Blame In Action

Vincent uses “The Three Stooges” as an example of blame in action.  They are three brothers, and they are not bright.  Moe is the leader and the aggressor.

Curly makes the worst decisions or behaves the silliest.  Curly was known for saying, “I’m a victim of circumstance.”  Curly was continually not taking responsibility for what was going on in his life and blaming others and circumstances for his poor choices. 

There is a set of unhealthy behaviors that we see in The Three Stooges and in real life couples: victim mentality, codependency (when you think your feelings are contingent on another person), and poor communication. 

“Thanks, But No Thanks”, The Gift Story

Laura uses another illustration of blame in action.  A couple has been married for years.  The husband gives the wife gifts that she does not like. 

She never understands why he doesn’t give her what she likes.  She complains about what he gets her, but she is never direct about what she would like.  She assumes he should read her mind; that it would show that he “knows” her. 

She is being passive and passive-aggressive.  She is expecting him to mind-read her. Saying “if he truly loved me, he would know what I want,” is an act of codependency.

You cannot know what another person is thinking.  You’re basing your relationship on an “untruth”, if you believe that you should know what the other is thinking without direct communication.

The Dishwasher Is Broken, But My Day Was Worse – The Dishwasher story

A stay-at-home mom has been at it all day.  She has tried to accomplish cleaning while caring for the children and other tasks.  The dishwasher breaks down. She has not had any adult interaction. 

Her husband comes home after a frustrating day at work, tired.  The wife begins to talk; it comes across as complaining.  She is explaining what happened during the day.

The husband hears the first part about he dishwasher. He immediately goes and finds his tools to work on the dishwasher. All the while, she is still talking about her day.  What does that do to the wife?

She gets frustrated.  She wants to be heard, maybe even more than she wants the dishwasher fixed.  She was looking for emotional support, empathy.  Her blaming is that he never listens.  If she were to communicate directly, the husband would learn that she wants to be heard right now, not have the dishwasher fixed this instant.

“This is a Madhouse” – Perfectionistic/Workaholic Men Story

In abusive relationships, it is not uncommon to hear blaming.  Common blaming remarks would be, “I would not have hit you if you had not…”  Oftentimes men who behave this way are workaholics, or are perfectionistic, alcoholics, or have some sort of compulsions.  The abuse towards the other spouse does not have to be just physical. More often it is emotional. 

Vincent gives the example of a workaholic man who comes home to find his home, as what he would describe as “a wreck.”  He finds things scattered all over the house, half-done projects everywhere, and dinner is not cooked. 

He starts to complain, stomp or make snide, indirect comments.  He has unrealistic expectations of the wife when he really does not know what happened that day.  

All he knows is that at his workplace, he has everything in order.  His calendar is organized; his desk tidy.  Everything goes swimmingly.  He is in control of everything at work. 

He comes home to what he perceives as chaos.  He thinks, “This is a madhouse.”  He believes that if his wife could keep the home neat and the kids under control, then he can relax and be happy.  It is her fault that he is unable to relax in the evening.

TIPS TO OVERCOME BLAMING

For the husband just mentioned, he feels that he needs to be in control over everything.  As a result, he is constantly striving for perfection and he misses out on quality time with family. 

Mary and Martha in the Bible (Luke 10: 38-42) provide a great example of this mentality.  A “Martha mentality” keeps you from being in the present with your relationships. The man mentioned above seems not to be comfortable with the idea of taking time with his children and wife, while things are seemingly left undone.

In the gift scenario given above, if the wife AND husband were more assertive, the situation would be less rife with conflict.  She needs to be more direct and express her feelings clearly. This could mean saying, “green is not my color.” Or, “I’d really like to have a spa day.”  For him, being more assertive may mean him asking, “What do you what?  What do you like?”

In the dishwasher scenario, she feels like she’s not being heard, and he feels like he is helping her.  For this situation to play out with less conflict, instead of blaming him, she would need to slow down.

She would have to be direct and say, “I really need for you to listen to me.  The dishwasher is okay.  I really need a hug and you listen to me.”  She needs to slow down, not launch into a litany, and show him that she needs emotional support.

Conclusion

In order to overcome issues with blaming, you need to learn to accept personal responsibility for your part in conflict or issues and be more assertive. Take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of communication.

You have to be genuine and honest with the other person, but first you have to be genuine and honest with yourself.  It is helpful to identify the walls you’ve put up or the negative coping mechanisms you have established in order to better your communication.

Sidenote:  If you are coming to the end of this podcast episode and you find it was not helpful, you probably are blaming us for your issue.  Time for self-reflection.

SHOW NOTES

Dr. Barry Ham is the author of “Living on Purpose” and “Unstuck: Escaping the Rut of a Lifeless Marriage.” He has decades of experience in private practice counseling families. 

Although he does not wear a referee shirt to counsel, he does get in the midst of heated and difficult situations to help.  He sees couples that have experienced decades of dysfunctional communication.  Often people are out of touch with their feelings, and they are not good listeners.  

What Communication Skills do I Need to Improve My Relationship?

“I” messages and reflective listening are key techniques to master.  Learning to be honest with your feelings, owning your feelings and being responsible for them is very important.   Another great skill to learn is building boundaries.  

As counselors, it is important that we continue to encourage couples as they develop new boundaries and support them to stay intentional with it.  Dr. Ham compares falling back into bad relationship habits to muscle memory.  We have to be consistent with being intentional and following through with our boundaries.  

An important boundary can be to determine when a disagreement needs time to cool off, rather than to continue digging into it.  Our culture of instant gratification has made it even more difficult for couples to navigate disagreements, as we have come to expect quick resolutions.

Let’s See Marriages Saved!

We have the ability as individuals to relate to our mates not just in saving our marriages, but making them engaged and vibrant.  We impact our culture by setting an example of a model of what God desires relationship to be like with His people.

Children learn how to ‘do’ relationships from their parents.  If we can create healthy marriages we will create a healthier society. 

Live On Purpose

People who do not live on purpose usually don’t give much thought into doing things differently.  People who do not live on purpose get “this” schooling because it’s what’s expected.  They have “this” number of kids because that’s what everyone else is doing.  They retire at “this” age because that’s when everyone else is doing it.  

God put us here to serve, to make a difference in people’s lives.  If you get to retirement and you are sitting there with your feet propped up, it’s not satisfying, you get disillusioned.

Around the age of thirty, Dr. Ham came to a crossroads where he became disillusioned.  He began to reflect on God’s word and how it relates to His people. There are principles and truths in scripture that God has created for us that help us better find our purpose. 

Knowing your purpose and your destination, improves the ride.  It is spiritually irresponsible to not live out intentionally.  

Speed Round

What has been your biggest stumbling block in your relationship with God?

Not wanting to do things God’s way.  (Especially in his younger years.)  

Today, his biggest stumbling block is spending adequate time with Him.  If you’re not connected to God, you won’t have the energy to do what it is He needs you to do today.

What is the best advice you’ve received? 

Listen to God. If I don’t hear Him, nothing else matters.  If I don’t spend time listening to God, it gives a sense of peace.

Who do you admire the most, other than a biblical figure?

People who are genuine, who are what they appear to be.  People who have poured their lives into others’ lives. 

What is your favorite book, besides the Bible, and why?

The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis.  Dr. Ham went through a period in his thirties where he was seeking purpose, and found that through this fairytale story, he was able to better emotionally connect to Jesus’ sacrifice through the character of Aslan. 

Parting Wisdom

When our marriages get to the edge of the divorce cliff or delegated to the trash heap, God has designed marriage to be vibrant.  If two people are willing to come to the table, it can be restored. Biblical principles work in any marriage, if put into practice.

Another piece of wisdom, it doesn’t matter where you are in your journey, the best is yet to come!

Contact

www.livingonpurpose.net

ifitherapy.com