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025 Marriage: The Balance Between Home and Work Life

SHOW NOTES

Unless you are born with a lot of wealth, work is necessary for you to live. Even if you do have wealth, you have to manage it appropriately or it will be gone as well.

So what is the proper balance of work and home life? Both of these activities require your time. How much time should you devote to each one?

They not only need your time, but they need your attention and your thoughts as well. What is the best way to balance them all?

1.) Energy and time spent at each one is cumulative.

The more time and energy that you spend at work, the more successful you are there – to an extent. (We’ll talk more about this later on.) The more time and energy that you spend at home with your family, then usually the more satisfied your relationships are with your family – to an extent. Where you invest time and energy, you reap the benefits.

2.) You can spend too much time with your family.

Too much time with your kids is called helicopter parenting. They never get alone time or the opportunity to make their own decisions and deal with consequences.

Too much time with your spouse can be smothering. Each spouse needs some alone time and some time spent with friends.

3.) Some husbands feel like they are in the predicament of – “I have to work a lot to make the amount of money that makes my wife happy, but my wife is mad that I am not home enough.”

They feel like they can’t win.

For some, this undue pressure to make enough money may be mainly in their head. They mind-read. They assume that their wife demands so much money or such and such house.

They make these deductions from comments their wife has made, but they have not just sit her down and discussed it at length. They need to have a heart to heart talk with their wife.

For others, their wife does demand they make this amount of money, live in this house, and spend this amount of time with the family. The wife may have unrealistic expectations.

In this case, the husband needs to exercise the “Law of Responsibility”. In the Boundaries books, Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud describes the Law of Responsibility as “We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.”

In other words, the husband is responsible for his actions when he is at home and when he is at work, but he is not responsible for his wife’s feelings. He may have to work less hours and make less money so that he can spend more time with his family. The wife may be upset about the less money, but she needs to deal with her own feelings.

4.) What is the appropriate work week?

In the United States, the work week had been fought over since the 1860s. In 1890, the average work week for a manufacturing worker was 100 hours. In 1914, Henry Ford found that less than 40 hours per week of work boosted the productivity on his assembly line.

By 1940, the 8 hour day and 40 hour work week became standard in many industries. So for about 80 years, there was a debate about the appropriate work week. This was not an overnight decision.

In Genesis, God works for six days and on the seven he rests. The sabbath or day of rest is commanded. It is one of the ten commandments. Exodus 20:8 says, “Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath of the Lord your God; in it you shall not do any work…”

So I would say no more that 48 hours of work in a week is healthy and that it would be preferable 40 hours or less. The fact is that we need rest to be fully functional at work.

Studies have shown that we can do short bursts of extra work, but we need extra downtime to recover. After too much over time, our quality of work decreases.

5.). Couples that own their own businesses really struggle with the balance.

“When does the work stop?” – many spouses want to know. Because it doesn’t seem like it ever does.

Here are some guidelines to give balance to your home and work life.

1. Set a time that you do not answer the phone or emails after. For example, you may say that after 6pm you will not answer a business call or reply to an email. You will return the call or email the next day.

2. Set a time that you will stop talking about business. For example, you may implement a rule that you will not discuss business after 5pm or 7pm, depending on your type of business. The rest of the evening will be time to talk about family, relax, and play with the kids.

3. Schedule a block of time that you will discuss business/finances as a couple. This would be setting aside a certain time to plan business goals, adjust family budget, and plan how to spend money. For example, you may set Tuesdays between 7-8pm that you talk specifically about the business finances and family finances. And for the most part, it is not discussed at other times, especially in the evenings after the set time to stop business talk.

4. Setting aside a day during the week where you recharge and do not work on business, discuss business, or think about business. This is your sabbath.

5. Proactively, plan on your calendar mini-vacations and vacations. Look ahead and purposely schedule weekends where you know that you will need a break. Spread the times out appropriately. If possible, take a mini-vacations (2-3 days) every quarter.

How to Balance Work & Home Life Relationship Helpers Vincent & Laura Ketchie discuss the struggles of balancing life and how to make it work for you.

024 Personal Growth: Brenda Knowles on the Power of Being an Introvert

SHOW NOTES

Some people feel energized when they’re in the company of other people, others feel energized in solitude. Our guest today, Brenda Knowles, is the latter, and she shares her experiences of being an introvert. She is a Myers Briggs practitioner and is trained in family mediation.

She has published her own book ‘The Quiet Rise of Introverts: 8 Practices for Living and Loving in a Noisy World’, and has her own blog Space2Live. We learn on this show how Brenda came to realize that her skills as an introvert meant that she can be a valued, deep listener.

Introvert and Extrovert – What’s the Difference?

Extroverts often feel stimulated through engaging with the outside world – they’re very good at small talk and can talk to (almost) anyone.

Introverts, however, feel more stimulated when they retreat into their inside world, or engage deeply with just a few people. Introverts tend to store long-term memory better, whilst extroverts don’t process information so deeply but speak more freely.

Brenda highlights how these traits are biological and heavily tied to our nervous system; so it’s important to acknowledge these attributes:

“Once we all feel understood, that’s when everybody relaxes. We need to feel seen and heard”

Being an introvert in a relationship

By not fully understanding introversion, people tend to think someone is just shy or has low self-esteem. In a relationship this can create tension.

Brenda has worked with lots of couples, addressing how working on calming the nervous system, and making sure the other person feels safe and calm through being present. It can be little things such as being glued to your phone and not giving your introverted partner your full attention.

Having Introverted Children

Brenda shares how when she was little, it seemed her extroverted sister was given a lot of attention and praise for being chatty and outgoing, and her parents often overlooked Brenda and her introverted behavior. Through her work as a coach, she’s learned that parents often force their introverted children to make more friends, play more sports, perform more, etc.

If you’re telling them to do all these things they don’t feel comfortable doing, then it tells them that they’re wrong and not living up to your expectations. Just make sure they feel safe being themselves.

It’s a fine balance between pushing a child too far, but a good push teaches them how to have relationships, how to connect with people, and that it’s okay to be outside of your comfort zone. The key is to listen to your child, and admire the different traits if you have an extrovert and introvert child.

Introversion and extroversion are deeply rooted characteristics that affect family and relationship dynamics. By making sure everyone is feeling safe, appreciated and heard then people can fully thrive with their traits.

Resources

‘The Quiet Rise of Introverts: 8 Practices for Living and Loving in a Noisy World’
BrendaKnowles.com
Space2Live Blog
‘If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit’ by Brenda Ueland
Dan Siegel – Mindful Therapist

The Quiet Rise of Introverts by Brenda Knowles

Your Introversion Can Be Your Strength. Learn about the strengths of introversion and how to improve your relationships from Relationship Helpers interview with Brenda Knowles.

023 Marriage: Dr. Corey Allan on Marriage, Sex, and Liking Yourself

SHOW NOTES

Many partners strive for the ‘perfect marriage’ and to be the ‘perfect partner’. At its core, you grow up through marriage as you learn how to give, stand on your own two feet – and have children. Spiritually, we become better christians in a relationship.

Dr Corey Allan joins us in today’s interview, where we discuss what makes a happy marriage. With over 15 years experience as a marriage and family therapist, he holds a PhD in family therapy, runs his own private practice, and co-hosts Sexy Marriage Radio. He just finished his new book Naked Marriage.

Corey has set himself a goal: to reduce divorce rates to zero. It’s a big task, but he believes marriages and relationships cannot only survive, but thrive.

“Stress removes the barriers of how we really are”

For a healthy relationship to grow, you need to be yourself around your partner and allow stressful moments to happen. This is why dating is so important – test the waters and see how you handle things together.

Opportunities open through obstacles, and you grow closer. Equally, if there’s a conflict as a result, that’s when you address the issues.

Knowing that you can rely on each other’s strengths is important. When big changes happen like having children, you need to support each other.

Corey quotes Dr Schnarch, that ultimately “nothing prepares you for marriage but marriage”. Just be prepared for changes as you share responsibilities together.

“Marriage at its finest is two fully-functioning people together”

You need to like yourself to be comfortable in a relationship. People can be driven into a relationship for the wrong reasons: high expectations, fear of rejection, fear of failure.

Pay attention to your character and behaviour, and how it can affect your partner. Focus on nurturing yourself, work on your problems. If the partner does the same too – the bond strengths two individuals.

“Sex is a language – it’s not just an act.”

A big element in marriage is sex: it’s a way of connecting and it makes babies. It’s a deeply personal experience that can complicate things and often brings couples to therapy.

People have different needs, so it’s important to know that sex is not just an action. It’s a place to explore and think of each other.

“Everything in life is choice.”

Hold yourself accountable and don’t blame all the bad things on your partner; you have to own the choice you make. Corey highlights that by even allowing the ‘bad thing’ to happen from your partner, you are still involved – you could have addressed it.

“Marriage can be very empowering as you take ownership of your choices and actions.”

“A gridlocked marriage”

Corey often finds his clients reach to him when they are at ‘crisis-level’ – either they are about to or are filing for a divorce, or there’s been an affair. As such, going to therapy is seen as the final choice.

Why leave things so last-minute and suffer for so long? Feel comfortable to address issues and make a change. There’s no point communicating your point of view, instead explore what you can do to make a change if the relationship feels rocky.

Corey shares that life’s driving force is about growing up; and marriage does just that. In a happy, loving marriage, you become stronger individuals.

Explore what you both want, don’t bury things or put on an act – and it is better to seek help earlier on than too late.

Dr. Corey Allan, author of Naked Marriage and host of Sexy Marriage Radio

Purchase Dr. Allan’s new book below:

Resources

SMRNation.net
Sexy Marriage Radio
Bowen Family Systems Theory
Dr. David Schnarch

Struggling with conflict in your marriage? Improve your love life with tips from Dr. Corey Allan in “Marriage, Sex & Liking Yourself” from Relationship Helpers.

022 Marriage: Should I Snoop On My Spouse’s Phone?

SHOW NOTES

Vincent and Laura are snowed in today. They have closed their counseling office for the day, but that has not stopped them from thinking about a topic that comes up frequently in counseling.

Should I ‘snoop’ on my spouse’s phone? Ideally, you shouldn’t ‘snoop’ on your spouse’s phone because as a married couple you should have an agreement allowing both of you free access to other’s phones.

This means ANY time you look at your spouse’s phone you aren’t snooping. Snooping implies secrecy. But we know we do not live in an ideal world and most spouses have not discussed how to handle each other’s phones.

As marriage counselors, we see the destruction of secrecy. Hardly a day goes by without someone mentioning something about their phone. It is the rare occasion that we have a couple that comes to couple’s counseling that has an open policy about looking at each other’s phones.

Smartphones are a device of a younger generation, thus, many married couples were not raised with them. These couples are presented with the challenge of how their phones are used in their marriage, and many have not given much consideration as to creating boundaries with them.

Let’s say you do not have a phone policy in place with your spouse and you suspect your spouse is engaging in destructive activity. What do you do?

Pros and Cons of Snooping

Pros of snooping:

• You may learn that your spouse is looking at pornography.
• You may unearth an addiction.
• You may learn that your spouse is having an affair, whether physical or emotional.
• You may find that your spouse is lying to you about how he is spending his time, money, etc.

Although the suspicion of an affair is the number one concern for snooping mates, other serious issues may be discovered while sleuthing. A gambling, gaming or shopping addiction can be very damaging to a relationship and can destroy a family.

Cons of snooping:

• Snooping can be the result of unwarranted paranoia.
• Snooping can be an act of control.
• Snooping can be done out of codependency.
• There could be danger if you are in a physically abusive situation.

Sometimes the snooper is acting out of an unwarranted suspicion. Snooping at this point is very much sabotaging to the relationship.

Usually someone who snoops for irrational reasons has issues with codependency. If the relationship is physically abusive, at least one spouse behaves possessively and could physically threaten the snooper.

Many people do not understand why people stay in abusive relationships and may question why we bring up snooping on an abusive mate. Ideally spouses leave physically abusive relationships, but this is not reality. Some are wrapped up in such codependent relationships that they remain in these relationships and can land in dangerous situations, snooping on their mate.

Disclaimer: If you are in a physically abusive relationship, it is imperative that you do not place yourself in danger by snooping. If you need to learn something about your mate, it is important that you have others to support you in the process so you are not left alone in a dangerous situation. Having a therapist to guide you through developing a plan will be important.

Should I Snoop on My Spouse’s Phone? Concerned about suspicious behavior? Vincent & Laura Ketchie, couples therapists and husband and wife team, explore this common question.

021 Personal Growth: Dr. Pauline Dillard Discusses Postpartum Depression and Birth Trauma

SHOW NOTES

We too often focus on the health of a newborn baby and overlook the health of the parents. Over 40% of mothers in the USA have to undergo c-section, and such dramatic changes can leave mothers feeling powerless and traumatized.

Today’s guest, Pauline Dillard, shares her 30+ years experience of counseling couples suffering from PTSD or postpartum depression. She’s on a wider mission to break the taboo of postnatal trauma by teaching churches and pastors how to best support couples, as well as counseling couples at her practice The Dumas Center.

“We have a problem in our culture: we expect women to do it all, to do it well and to do it all alone”

Pauline has worked with lots of women, and she’s learnt that there are high social pressures for women to be “strong” enough to handle things on their own. Pregnancy and childbirth is a very vulnerable state for women. If they feel traumatized through these experiences, it can affect their mental health, and relationship with the baby and partner.

Having a strong support network helps the mother cope and feel safe. We need to empower women to seek support when needed. Pauline stresses that the same goes for fathers – they can be just as affected.

A Connected Marriage

A bad pregnancy experience is heightened in a relationship that doesn’t address it. Pauline describes how the ‘Silence Mode’ stimulates an isolating experience for the partner.

A connected, loving marriage helps share the burden, and spot the signs of depression or psychosis. Learning to engage with God for the family is also part of the process.

“Why is it so surgical today when we have babies?”

Giving birth in a surgical environment is common for many women today. For such a natural event, it can make the parents feel powerless and out of control.

Pauline explains how birth is a sexual experience. For mothers giving birth and having to undergo emergency c-section, or other sudden treatments, the risk of trauma is essentially a sexual assault.

To reduce such trauma or negative experiences, it helps to question and understand the procedures in your hospital. Pauline has seen how this simple approach of questioning during tours and consultations helps couples.

There are handbooks on her site free to download that help further educate people.

Breaking the Church taboo

Many of us today live in new places, far from family and friends. The church needs to step in to support these families.

Pauline finds postpartum depression and PTSD is still a taboo for many churches. So she’s educating churches and pastors to do their part.

Pregnancy and Birth is a profoundly personal and natural experience, which can leave people feeling vulnerable, isolated or powerless. It’s important we feel comfortable to share our experiences, and live in a community that doesn’t judge or overlook such overwhelming experiences.

Through knowledge, a strong relationship with the partner and God, and a supportive church, we help break the taboo of trauma at birth.

Resources:

www.dunamascenter.com
Free handbooks: https://www.dunamascenter.com/training
Phone: 719-231-7183