Category: Marriage

SHOW NOTES:

Welcome to the third part of our series “Eight Warning Signs You Might Need to Break Up.”  Regardless of whether you are in a serious dating relationship or not, today’s message shines light on people’s character and what we do with what we see others do, which is important.  As with other episodes in this series, parents will also receive good tips, as this series addresses warning signs, which should be helpful as parents help their teens and young adults navigate the dating world. 

Vincent and Laura are therapists, and often work with those entering the dating world.  Vincent describes how many times when someone is “in love” they overlook important things. (Be sure to check our episode 064 “The Psychology of Love” to learn more about how we fall in love.) 

A Character Test?

Today we look at a true character test:  How they treat wait staff or service people.  Although this may seem to be a very specific quality, it is very telling as to how they will treat their potential significant other.  This test of their character is a window into how they may be when they let their guard down.

There is a sense of familiarity and complacency that can occur in marriage and often times spouses get taken advantage of.  If you notice some of the negative behaviors mentioned today, it may be a warning sign that the person you are dating could be trouble as a spouse.

3 Behaviors to Pay Attention To

1. Attitude Towards Service People – Those Who Are Helping You

What is their attitude like with those serving them? Do they have manners?  Say “please” and “thank you?” This applies to wait staff, mechanics, the cable company, internet service providers, etc. How do they treat these people in person AND on the phone? Do they treat others like REAL, breathing human beings?

Do they express gratitude towards those offering their service?  Do they come across as egotistical and better than the person helping them? Do they have a sense of entitlement about the service they are receiving?

Do they seem to value the people they are receiving service from?  (it sends the message that they do not value others who do things for them & may not show that they value you when you do this in the future.)

What Does This Say About Their Future Parenting?

Not only are these behaviors clues to how a person will behave as a spouse, but they also speak to how someone will be as a parent. If the person you’re dating is unable to be patient with waitstaff or other service people, how will they parent a fussy toddler?

Does the person you’re dating show that they are empathetic to waitstaff?  If not, how does that bode for this person to be a future parent?  NOTHING REQUIRES MORE EMPATHY THAN MARRIAGE OR PARENTHOOD!

2. Attitude Towards Those in Authority—People Who Require Them to Submit or Do Things

People in authority range anywhere from a police officer to anyone who places you in the position of having to do something (fill out paperwork, etc.) Examine how your significant other interacts with people who require something of them.

If they do not respond well, it may show you that they are not teachable, resistant and unwilling.What does this say about someone who could be a future spouse and/or parent? NOTHING MORE THAN MARRIAGE AND PARENTHOOD REQUIRES SOMEONE TO BE FLEXIBLE. 

When someone is unbendable, they are not submitting to God and do not seek brokenness. These people do not have a broken and contrite heart. In Ephesians Paul says that when you get married you submit to one another.  Vincent feels that this means that we are to be “teachable”. 

Are You Taking Course 101 of Your Partner?

Laura mentions how in their marriage Vincent should be taking “Laura 101” and that she should be taking “Vincent 101,” but also that she should be taking “Laura 101” and Vincent should be taking “Vincent 101.”  We are to be students of each other, but we should also study ourselves to recognize and work on our own weaknesses. The challenges of marriage are God’s way of “bending us to each other.” 

Another important aspect of your significant other’s behavior is how respectful they are towards others in authority.  Are they respectful to their parents?  Their elders? 

If you are with someone struggling with authority, they will have difficulty being a parent themselves. They will struggle with being in a position of authority and will have difficulty modeling healthy respect of authorities. Are you prepared to enter a marriage/parenthood with a person who does not model healthy respect to authority? 

Do they listen to other’s ideas or points of view?  How open are they to listen to differing opinions?

Vincent and Laura explain how Relationship Helpers aims at helping people to be proactive in their lives.  As therapists, they often see the ramifications of people not being intentional as they enter into relationships, and have the uphill battle of trying to change unhealthy behaviors that have lasted for a long time.  Their goal is to help people recognize their blindspots and to develop new skills in personal growth and with relationships. 

3. Do They Flirt or Behave Too Friendly to Service People 

This is the most obvious problem behavior that Vincent and Laura discuss in today’s episode.  Do they behave too friendly with co-workers or people in authority? 

Vincent and Laura often encounter clients who are struggling because a spouse is too friendly at church. Many times people are a little too “touchy feely” during the meet and greet time during service, or hug someone a little too long.   This applies to pastors, too.

What does this say about their boundaries? It can communicate an area of vulnerability in your relationship that “users” can take advantage of.  A lingering hug at church can cause tension in a relationship as one accuses the other of being too close with someone and the other then responds with “What was I supposed to do?” Justifying the behavior because they did not initiate it. They are not setting a boundary. 

Vincent gives an example of someone who was in counseling because his wife was complaining about his flirtatious behavior.  The lights did not really come on for this person until someone who did not know him compared him to a notorious flirt at the office. 

He felt convicted when this colleague basically affirmed what his wife had been saying all along.  Sometimes we don’t listen to people closest to us, and receive real revelations when we hear from those we are not so close to. 

Loose Boundaries Can Lead To Affairs…

Sometimes these loose boundaries result in affairs.  Many times emotional affairs. Those who have affairs often are passive and people-pleasers and are being manipulated by users. They may not be willing to make a stand on their own physical, personal boundaries. 

Vincent gives the example of someone at work who goes into another person’s office and shuts the door and stays in there for an hour.  To those co-workers on the outside, it creates fodder for the gossip mill which could make it to the other spouse and hurt their relationship.  Nothing may have happened in the office, BUT loose boundaries were in place which is a cause for alarm.  It also communicates a lack of respect for the relationship. 

Some people with loose boundaries are passive, but others can be aggressive.  Be aware of your significant other’s boundaries.  Are they passive or aggressive about it? 

Conclusion

Hopefully, today’s episode has been helpful in looking at some things you’ve never thought about before.  Consider the questions today and how they apply to your relationship.  Be sure to tune in next week as we delve into our next warning sign that you may need to break up!

SHOW NOTES:

Today’s episode marks the second part in an eight part series, “Eight Warning Signs You Might Need to Break Up.”  In this episode we discuss a potentially polarizing subject, differing values and belief systems. As with all episodes in this particular series, we are addressing those who are DATING, not those who are married. 

Robertson McQuilkin: Honoring His Vows

Laura begins with the story of Robertson McQuilkin. He was the president of Columbia International University, in Columbia SC. His father was the original president of the school and imparted a legacy upon him.  During his presidency, he wrote several books. 

Mr. McQuilkin did something pretty radical, he left his post at the school eight years shy of his retirement to care for his wife, Muriel, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s.  She had become intensely fearful if he left her side. In an interview with Christianity Today, he said:  

“When the time came, the decision was firm. It took no great calculation. It was a matter of integrity. Had I not promised, 42 years before, ‘in sickness and in health . . . till death do us part’?

This was no grim duty to which I stoically resigned, however. It was only fair. She had, after all, cared for me for almost four decades with marvelous devotion;   now it was my turn. And such a partner she was! If I took care of her for 40 years, I would never be out of her debt.”

Vincent regales of a time spent on a mission trip in Africa when he first heard of Columbia International University.  Ironically, the school was only two hours away from his home, but he had not heard of it until his time in Kenya.  He met some missionaries from England who told him about the school.

How Intentional Are You?

Robertson McQuilkin led an intentional life.  What about you?  If you’re dating, are you seeking out someone with similar values?  Do you have values, and if so, are searching for someone who is intentionally living out values that you share?  

Does the person you date identify as a Christian, or do they live it out? What does it mean?  Because it means different things to different people, it is important to have an ongoing discussion about faith, values, and beliefs. 

It can be easy to fall into the trap of dating a good-looking person who identifies with a belief system without really knowing what they truly stand for.

Questions to Consider Before Getting Serious

1. Beliefs—What is their faith?  Do they have faith? If Christian, what does that mean (and what does being Christian mean to you?) 

2. Relationship with Jesus, with Holy Spirit, and God?

3. What is their prayer life like?

4. Are they obedient to the Word? 

5. Do you see disciplines of the faith in them?

6. Do they believe in the Apostles Creed?

7. What is their church life like? (How often do they attend to church?  What’s their commitment level?)

Are They a Mature Christian? How Committed Are They?

Vincent discusses how mature Christians know the Bible well, but also pray prayers asking for God’s guidance, rather than just making what he calls “genie prayers.”  He describes how he matured in faith by reading through the entire Bible as a young adult and participating in deep group bible studies.  He also studied other religions to compare and to learn the difference. 

Laura mentions that mature Christians view marriage more as a covenant, not as a contract.  This shows how serious they are to their promises to God and to their spouse.  One’s relationship with God influences their relationship with their spouse, and also speaks to their level of commitment.

New Life Summit by the American Association of Christian Counselors

Vincent and Laura attended the New Life Summit this past weekend held by the American Association of Christian Counselors. During a plenary session, Dr. Jared Pingleton spoke about the idea of covenantal marriage. Many Americans see marriage as a legal matter; a piece of paper.

In his book, “Making Magnificent Marriages”, Dr. Pingleton provides ten different distinctions between contractual and covenantal marriage. A contract is meant to protect people, in essence, the clauses of it are delineated to protect yourself because of expected failure. 

A covenant, however, is a promise between two people, God and to the witnesses of the wedding ceremony. Robertson McQuilkin’s choices surrounding staying by his wife’s side was his way of living out his vows.

Laura mentions how the current average cost of a wedding is over $30,000 and how that is a lot of attention spent on ONE DAY versus a lifetime. Essentially a lot of effort and money is placed on a big party, but what does marriage really mean?

What Is Their Commitment To Their Friends & Family?

Another thing to consider is how does your significant other interact with co-workers, family and friends?  This person’s commitment to and relationship with others speaks to how they will treat you.

Are you open to other’s opinions of your dating this person?  It’s important to remember that we are biased by our hormones when we are newly dating someone.  Another person’s point of view may prove invaluable. 

Could they be a part of a cult?

It’s not enough to KNOW scripture.  Satan KNOWS scripture.  How do they use scripture?  What is the intent?  

If you investigate their background and find it questionable, you may find cult influences bleeding into your relationship.  Many Christian cults have a strong, patriarchal bend.  This could play out in a more abusive way towards women. 

Do they value family?

How do they view community?  What are their ethics?

Vincent mentions a discussion that occurred in Sunday School about how some families in Nepal barter their children.  This may be rare in the United States, but it is important to consider how your significant other values family.

How honest are they?

Do they have integrity?  How forthright are they?

Are they honest with their taxes?  Do they cheat on their time clocks at work?  Are they involved in shady business deals? Do they hide things from their customers?

How do they talk about their workplace to you?  How do they talk about other people to you? How they treat others is a good indicator of how they will treat you.  Do they keep their passcodes hidden from you? 

Be sure to reference episode 022 “Should Snoop On My Spouse’s Phone” to learn the importance of transparency in relationships. 

The apps someone has on their phone tells you about their values.  What a person does on their phone is a window to their world.

Do they value education and learning?

Is education important to you?  If so, do you need to be in relationship with someone who values education and/or learning? Ideally, you would want to be with someone who wants to grow.

How do they view fitness and/or wellbeing?

How do they treat their body?  What does this mean about their views of the future? If you plan on marrying, consider what this means when you “become one.” Their views on wellbeing also speaks to their self-worth. 

How do they view finances?

Jesus spoke about many times about money.  How someone views it speaks to the condition of their heart.  

Does your significant other treat money as a status symbol?  Are they disciplined with money? Do they save enough?  Too much?  

Do they intend on having separate accounts if you get married?  What does this mean?  Are you on the same team, or is this a protective measure because one of you has unhealthy spending habits?

Stewardships—What are they doing with the stuff they have?  

Do they share with others? How well do they take care of their possessions, home, etc.  How do they manage their belongings? Do they take care of what God has gifted them with?  Do they tithe?

In Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”, we see an example of stewardship gone wrong.  Three ghosts appear to Ebenezer Scrooge to illuminate the dark parts of his heart, helping him see how his miserly behavior withheld helping others close to him. 

Conclusion

Before you get too far into the dating process, talk in-depth about these questions.  You will learn a lot about your significant other’s heart by a frank, open discussion on these matters.  Many couples do not discuss these issues and it causes conflict later.  Don’t count on the feeling of being in love to carry your relationship through. 

Premarital Checklist LINK HERE

SHOW NOTES

Today our guest is Melissa Gendreau.  Melissa is a Christian therapist, wife and mom out of Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  She has a heart for working with families.  After receiving her bachelor’s degree, she worked with teens in a children’s home through the Boys Town organization. 

She felt led to pursue a master’s degree in community counseling after noticing the disparity between children and their families when working only with the children. During her graduate studies, she worked at Offutt Airforce Base, with military families.  

She later worked at an assessment center.  She learned about diagnosing children for treatment and placement, but was discouraged that she did not get to see the outcomes for these children. 

Spiritually, this was difficult. It was not a Christian center, and she had to emotionally detach in her role there.  She currently works in a Christian Counseling center and blogs about her experience as a Christian therapist.

What Can I Do If My Spouse is Spiritually Immature?

1.) Meet them where they are. It is not unusual for a crisis of faith to emerge when circumstances such as health scares or marital issues occur.  If your spouse is struggling, Melissa advises “meeting them where they are. We can’t nor are we supposed to ‘force’ anyone into faith.” 

2.) Pray for your spouse. It’s most important to pray for them. Pray for God to work in their hearts and to soften areas that have hardened.

3.) Pray for yourself so that you know how to be there with them. Pray for God to be able to guide you. Pray for wisdom of  when to pursue opportunities and when to be patient. 

You will have to be mindful of avoiding nagging your spouse.  We have a tendency to want to “nudge” our spouses into a direction.  It is not helpful.  You want your demeanor to encourage an open dialogue.

4.) Have a conversation with your spouse where you ask them what role they feel comfortable with you playing.   They may be comfortable praying with you, or may not.  

You may find it may not be your role to help guide your spouse back to God; it could be someone else’s. You may have to be willing for you spouse to speak with a godly friend or elder of your church instead of you. 

What Is My Role In Helping My Spouse?

Your role may be to be a cheerleader, a teacher, or to be a good listener who provides the environment for them to explore.  Ask your spouse what role they are comfortable with you playing.  We are prone to try to guess this, but this is not helpful. Be direct. Ask.

Melissa affirms that if the spouse is allowed to question, it creates opportunities to actually deepen faith.  Don’t get caught up in the mentality that we should not question things, because our relationship is to be a personal one with God.  It is not someone else’s faith, it’s yours.  Don’t just worship God with a blind faith because someone else told you to.  

If you are to stand back and play the role of someone who prays for the situation, it is going to be important to give God control and trust in Him.  If we do not do this, we could actually do more harm than good and sabotage the process.

Q & A With Melissa

As a therapist, what do you find most helpful when working with clients?

Teaching clients the progression of thoughts lead to emotions and behaviors.  Thoughts are based on past experiences, past hurts, and our perceptions of reality.  Through these our emotions flow.

It’s important to understand the thought process. In 2 Corinthians 10:5 Paul says we have to take our thoughts captive.  We need to make this a practice.

Ask yourself if your thoughts are aligned biblically or are they irrational.  If you find that you are discouraged because of your behaviors or emotions, it is important to learn where they are coming from and to work on how you think.  Many times people act on untruths that they have believed to be true. 

What is your most effective relationship skill?

Understanding your own worth through God, your identity in Christ.  Your self-worth flows out in your interactions with people.  If you do not love yourself well, others will not treat you well, either.  God’s love can’t flow out of us if we do not accept that He loves and values us, too. 

If we do not acknowledge His love for us as individuals, it cannot flow out to others from us.  If we are not connected FIRST with God, then any ministerial work or relationships with others will burn out as we are trying to do things out of our own energy not from God.

What is your current passion?

I am in the process of writing a bible study for parents of teens. The focus of it is to help parents of teens to be able to address difficult topics that are happening right now.  Our teens are struggling and questioning faith in comparison to what society talks about.  

I met with teens at my church and asked them “What do you feel like your parents don’t know or don’t understand about such and such topic so that they can help you better?”  

I then reached out to the parents and asked the exact same thing. The goal is to be able to address some of these big society topics, but recognize that from a biblical standpoint all of these have an answer.  Giving the parents the tools that this is just as relevant today as two thousand years ago.

My hope is for it to be available on my website in 2019.

Final Lap: Speed Round

What has been your biggest stumbling block in your relationship with God?

There have been times where I’ve questioned whether I’m worthy of His love.  I’ve allowed my own past insecurities to get in the way.  I’ve had to remember and focus on God’s truth.  Making sure that I’m armed with God’s truth about what He says about me.

Sometimes clients will feel like they have had success with their anxiety, depression or in their family and then feel they are under attack.  It means you are living life for God.  You’re being a little bit of thorn in Satan’s side.  

What is the best advice you’ve ever received?

You don’t have to do and be all things.  I can say ‘no’ and that won’t affect my worth.

Who do you admire the most, other than a biblical figure, and why?

My husband.  He is a stay-at-home, homeschool daddy.  He is my techie.  It’s not at all what he envisioned for his life.  God started nudging us and it is something he willing embraced.  He is an amazing teacher to the kids.   How beautiful that is to see–dad teaching the kids!  

What is your favorite book, besides the Bible, and why?

I read all the time.  The book “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge is a favorite.  It is such a beautiful book about how God designed women.  I’ll recommend that to a lot of my female clients, but I’ve also recommended it to husbands, to read, too. I love the vulnerability and the clarity that that book provides.  

More recently, I’ve read “Everybody Always” by Bob Goff.  He writes it so full of God’s love.  Just be love.  It’s not so easy when the people around you aren’t so loveable.  He talks about loving everybody always; no matter what, and how amazing and powerful that can be to other people and glorifying to God.  It’s a delightful easy read.  

Parting Wisdom  

Meet everybody where they are.  That’s the most important thing we can do for everyone around us.  When we start putting expectations on other people, the relationships start going down. But when we meet them where they are, it’s so much easier to love them and provide joy to them and get to be that support and encouragement that they need. 

I think sometimes people misunderstand this and think it means that we accept everything they are doing.  No, it means to love who they are as a person, and be able to stand beside them, to walk with them on that journey wherever they need to go. 

You may not agree with what they are doing at all.  That doesn’t mean you accept or encourage the behaviors that they are doing, but instead love them as people, hopefully guiding them along the way.

Contact:

https://www.humblefaithfamilywellness.com

Facebook:  Humble Faith Family Wellness page

Email:  melissa@humblefaithfamilywellness.com

SHOW NOTES

This is our 6th and final episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” In each episode, we talk about unhealthy ways that spouses display anger and ways to correct it.

Over the last few weeks we’ve taken a look at being more responsible in our marriages by stopping “the blame game”, we’ve given tips to overcome magnifying the problems in your marriage, we’ve looked at how damaging name calling is in “What Do You Call Your Spouse?” and what can be done about it, we’ve helped you determine if you “mind-read” your spouse and what to do instead, and we’ve looked at how detrimental complaining can be to a relationship and how to remedy it. 

Now we take on one of the most common complaints we see in marriage counseling:  selfishness.  Usually by the time we see a couple for marriage counseling and the complaint of selfishness is the issue, the couple has been together for a while.  Usually some act of selfishness is the final straw that brings the couple in to counseling.

This selfishness comes across as being demanding or commanding with their needs, wants or values. When the other spouse does not have the same value or need, then they get angry and push their agenda onto the other by being demanding and commanding.

Selfish acts can be obvious such demanding sex at a certain time, but it can be more subtle.  It could be the things that you do out of fear that keep you from having a healthy relationship.  Negative coping mechanisms can be selfish.  Independent behavior can be selfish.

Selfishness Disguised as Selflessness:

As Christian marriage therapists, it’s not unusual for us to see couple’s where the spouses have many commitments to their church.  Sometimes a marriage suffers because of poor boundaries as it relates to the church.  

For example:  Always saying ‘yes’ to requests for volunteers and helping all the time at the expense of sacrificing family time.  Enjoying a little too much the greeting time during service by giving hugs to those of the opposite sex in excess or lingering in these moments.

Say ‘Yes’ To Your Marriage

If you are struggling because you are a “yes man”, otherwise known as a people-pleaser, it is important to understand that this behavior may make you look good to other people (which very well could be stroking your ego and pride), but it does not help your family. What seem to be selfless acts by outsiders could be destroying your marriage. 

For men, this may come in the form of helping repair someone’s car or fixing a plumbing issue at someone’s house when there are needed repairs at your own.

For women, this may be taking care of someone’s child a neighbor’s or family member’s when your children or your husband doesn’t get the proper amount of quality time with you.

It will be important to prioritize your marriage.  You may have to have conversations with those who approach you for commitments and explain that you cannot be involved this time.  Being able to say ‘no’ is a skill. 

The Bible & Husbands

If you are a leader in your church consider 1 Timothy 3: 1-5:  “Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect.”

If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church? It is good to take time and self-reflect. Many times, we make ourselves too busy to do this. Are you taking care of your family?

Fiscally Irresponsible

Another subtle form of selfishness in marriage is being irresponsible with money.  It could mean shopping excessively, making expensive purchases without your spouse’s knowledge or turning a blind eye to finances. 

For women, this may come in the form of buying a new outfit every week or having a spa too often. Women, who struggle in this area seem, to buy a lot of small items (less than $200) without telling or consulting their husband.

For men, this could be buying a boat or ATV without discussing it with your wife. Men, who struggle in this area, seem to make big expenditures and tell their wife later. Their attitude is I am going ahead and buy it, and then ask for forgiveness later.

Not taking an active role in your family’s budget and finances places your family’s wellbeing in jeopardy. It is an act of selfishness.

In a healthy marriage, couples decide on a budget together. They discuss income as well as expenditures.

Down Time

Having a girl’s night or going fishing with buddies is not necessarily a bad thing. Many times it is NECESSARY. But when it is done without prior approval of your spouse OR it is done at the sacrifice of time spent with your family or spouse on a consistent basis, this behavior is selfish.  

One of the first things to go when a couple is struggling, is recreational and leisure time.  It is important to consider our spouses when we unwind from the daily grind.

In a healthy marriage, couple discuss how they are going to spend their leisure time. Show your spouse you care about him or her by participating in an activity that they enjoy without sulking and being passive aggressive.