Category: Marriage

SHOW NOTES

This is our 5th episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” In each episode, we talk about unhealthy ways that spouses display anger and ways to correct it.

If you are involved in any social media, you inevitably have run into followers or friends who chronically complain.  You may have felt so inclined to “hide” them from your newsfeed due to the sheer negativity that they permeate.  

Social media has made it easy to avoid these complainers with the “unfollow” feature, but what happens when you see this person day to day?  Even worse, you can’t exactly “unfollow” your spouse if he or she happens to be a negative Nelly.  

Maybe even worse still, what if YOU are the chronic complainer in your relationships?

In this episode, we are addressing overgeneralization.  

Overgeneralization

Overgeneralization is making one, single event into an unbearable situation.  Sometimes these are thoughts, other times these thoughts are expressed out loud.  

Examples would be:  “Church is always boring.”  “No one likes me at school.”  “I’m always the butt of jokes.”  “Everybody thinks I’m stupid.” 

Examples for a married couple could be:  “You never listens to me.”  “You always leave me to take care of the kids and clean the house.”  

Overgeneralization is a negative thinking habit.  Many people who experience depression and/or anxiety suffer from this “thought trap.”

Thought traps are like a cassette tape (yeah, those things that existed back in the 80s, hello fellow children of the 80s!!!) that loops over and over again in your mind.  It’s like someone hits the “repeat” button repeatedly—and the person hitting that repeat button is you.

How Can I Overcome Being A Chronic Complainer? 

So what is a chronic complainer to do?  Let’s take a look at complaining in the Bible. 

Complainers In The Bible

As the Israelites trekked through the desert, the Lord rained down manna from heaven.  This was God-made food, readily available, at their feet. 

After a few days of God-made food, readily available, at their feet, the Israelites tired of it and complained.  Notice I didn’t start the story off with “The Israelites got tired of manna and complained.” 

The Israelites lost their focus on God and focused on themselves.  Through the difficulties of being away from their homeland and being enslaved you could say they had some deep-seeded soul wounds.  

We all have been hurt by others; in one way or another.  How we respond to it speaks to our thought life and our character.  Bitterness and resentment, like the Israelites mentioned above, could lead someone to respond with complaining.  

Later, in the New Testament you will find that Jesus was often tested by complainers.  Never did He validate the behavior. 

Jesus was an awesome teacher.  He always turned a complaint into a learning opportunity. When someone complained, He responded in a way that would force the complainer to look at his heart.  In essence, He helped the complainers expose the ugly parts of their hearts.

What Can I Do With These Ugly Parts of My Heart? 

If you’re starting to feel like a well-fed, complaining Israelite as you listen to this, take heart.  The great thing about our God is that He provides. 

One of the most powerful tools He has created for us is prayer.  When we pray His will, it’s like we have a direct line to the boss.  Even better, remember this:  When we accept Jesus, we accept that He has already saved us.  We’re already seated with Him. 

When you pray, you are praying from a position of victory in the heavens.  Ask Him about the areas in your life that you need to be open for Him to work on.  

GRATITUDE IS KEY!

As mentioned above, this is about His will, not our own.  He wants us recognize how and what He has provided for us.  It is very difficult to chronically complain if you chronically rejoice through gratitude.

When you rejoice through gratitude, you are speaking truth into the situation. Many times, we get very narrow-minded when we view our situation. We have trouble seeing the “God view”. Speaking gratitude helps to have a more eternal viewpoint.

How To Address a Negative Spouse

As we are rejoicing with gratitude to ourselves, we need to continue this with our negative spouse. When that spouse is negative, we need to be assertive and counter that negativity with truth in a loving manner.

Here’s an example. You have a flat tire on the highway on your way to church. Your negative spouse may say something like, “Things always happen to me at the worse time. Now, I have to change a tire in my good clothes.”

You could let that comment go and not respond, which would be passive. Or you could be assertive and say something like, “Although it may be inconvenient to change a tire in good clothes, I sure am glad that this happened with both of us here…or I am glad this didn’t happen on the interstate…or I am glad this didn’t happen on the way to the hospital…or I sure am glad that this didn’t happen yesterday when it was raining, etc.”

Hopefully, you get the point. There are many ways to view the situation as positive. It just may take some creativity and intentionality to do it.

Paul:  A Character Study

As we’ve mentioned in our previous episodes on anger and marriage, Paul is a great example to fashion our lives after.  He withstood a great deal of trials being imprisoned, flogged, mocked, and endured all sorts of persecution.  Yet the man ALWAYS recognized God’s blessing and was grateful for His salvation.

If we lived out our salvation daily, what would that look like?  I think it would mean we should often have gratitude and grace on our lips. 

SHOW NOTES

This is our 4th episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” In each episode, we talk about unhealthy ways that spouses display anger and ways to correct it. This episode explores the faults with reading your spouse’s mind.

A Situation That Occurred Early In Their Marriage:  

The cordless phone hit the ground with an audible “thud” as I (Laura) hiked it across our front yard.  ‘I can’t believe him, he should understand why I’m upset!’ I spouted, making a fool of myself in front of God and the neighbors. 

I was in crisis mode. I was newly married, and I just couldn’t cope.  He was supposed to “get” me.  He was supposed to make everything right.

I was so wrong.  At twenty-seven, I may have seemingly married later in life, but in reality I was spiritually immature and at the time, incapable of having a conversation on the phone with my husband without launching it like a missile.

Less than two years before I had prayed that God send someone in my path to live life with.  Well, He sent someone, and I was ready to send him back. 

Fast-forward twelve years later to today.  We’re still married and have a one year old and surprise, surprise!!! WE’RE MARRIAGE COUNSELORS!  I no longer throw phones or spatulas for that matter—different story, maybe for a different day!

A Change of Heart

What changed? I had a heart condition.  No, not a literal ailment of the cardiovascular system, I had a problem with my figurative heart. 

I had unwittingly allowed years of negative coping mechanisms build walls up in my heart.  A past trauma had planted a seed that was deeply-rooted within me.  Everything I did to avoid the pain of confronting it walled me off from my husband. 

Our marriage was in jeopardy. I was faced with taking anti-depressants and therapy.  I didn’t take anti-depressants. I did, however, do a lot of hard work in therapy. 

Jesus Is Our Comforter

In my therapy work, I acknowledged a very simple fact that I had not allowed to be a part of my reality:  Jesus had been with me during the trauma.  His presence seemed more real than ever.  Not only had He been an eyewitness, He longed for me to reach out for Him.  He also wanted to be a part of my marriage.  

This was a turning-point for our marriage.  I had dug to the root of the problem, and with the Lord’s help, replaced it. 

I developed greater compassion and empathy for others who are hurting and became a therapist. As a spouse, I learned to take a frank look at myself in the mirror and take personal responsibility for what I said and what I did.  I became aware, through the Lord’s help, of certain behaviors that were detrimental to my marriage, and was able to become a better communicator to my husband. 

Ironically, when I look back at that day I made our phone a yard ornament, I realize that I wanted so much for my husband to “get” me, when I didn’t even “get” myself.

Hope For Change

No matter the kinds of trauma you have experienced in your life, you can unlearn negative coping mechanisms.  It may take the help of a counselor, pastor, or godly friend, but it can happen. 

If you’re like me, it may start with being confronted by your spouse.  Rather than playing defense, remember you’re on the same team.

Are you like I was, exclaiming, “he should ‘get’ me?”  If you are, there are plenty of people that struggle with this common communication error.  It’s called “misattribution” and it is one of the most detrimental problems we see couples facing in marriage counseling.  

What is “Misattribution?”  

Misattribution is mind-reading.  It is thinking that you know things about someone without them telling you.  It can also mean that you think others should know things about you without you telling them. 

Often a mind-reader jumps to conclusions without asking for the facts.  A lot of assumptions are made without clarifications. This results in thinking that someone has negative motives.

In my example that I (Laura) mentioned just a few minutes ago, I was pulling double-duty; I was mind-reading that Vincent should mind-read me!  Ultimately, I pinned Vincent as the villain because I was not direct with him.  I made a lot of assumptions about what I thought he should know.  

Oh No, I’m A Mind-Reader, What Can I Do About It?!?!?

First, it’s important to recognize that you may have a history of mind-reading or using misattributions.  This could have built up some walls in your relationship.  

It will be very important to learn to ask yourself “Do I need more information?” “Could I be missing something?”  BEFORE confronting your spouse.

Struggle for Men

A big misattribution for husbands is to assume that their wife is mad at them and that their wife wants them to fix a certain problem. The wife complains to the husband about the issues she faced during the day – maybe the kids, a broken appliance, or the in-laws.

The husband hears these complaints and thinks she wants him to fix it. Sometimes this may be the case, but many times she just wants him to listen. She wants to be understood.

Be Assertive

It will also be important to learn to be assertive.  This means learning to be direct in a loving manner.  It means expressing your feelings clearly without yelling or browbeating your spouse.

Many times people have talking down pat, but they are not good listeners.  Consider what the Bible says about confrontation:  

Proverbs 25: 8 says, “Do not bring hastily to court, for what will you do in the end if your neighbor puts you to shame?”

Solomon is talking about how foolish we appear when we accuse others or make assumptions about others without getting the facts.  He’s also saying we get ourselves and others into unnecessary trouble when we do this.

Advice From Jesus’s Brother

James, the brother of Jesus, gives instructions on how to talk to anyone, he says: 

James 1:19:  “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

When we are quick to listen, it means we get more facts.  IT DOES NOT MEAN think about what you’re going to say next while the person is talking. You’ll miss out on pertinent information, if you do this.

“Quick to listen” is giving a summary to the other person which shows them that you either understand or not. Don’t tell the person, “I understand”; instead show them you understand with a summary.

SHOW NOTES

This is our 3rd episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” In each episode, we talk about unhealthy ways that spouses display anger and ways to correct it.

Intro:  “He’s all about the sex.”  “He’s all about the money.”  “She’s a witch.”  “She is so selfish.”  These are common complaints that we hear in our marriage counseling practice. 

What do these statements accomplish?  They arouse anger.  Comments such as these usually inspire defensiveness from the offended spouse and a heated exchange escalates.

Labeling Definition:  In counseling, we call this global labeling.  These are harsh judgments that are extreme and create anger without regard to anything good.

Examples of Labeling:  Labeling can take different forms.  The most obvious would be name calling.  Calling someone a jerk, stupid, or a witch would be examples.  

Labels can be a little more subtle, as well.  Telling someone that they are “all about sex” or “all about money” are examples. 

Regardless of whether the labeling spouse uses name calling or examples such as these, it shows that they perceive things in extremes.  And that is what global labeling is all about.  It is “black or white thinking.”  

What Causes Someone to Label?

Depression

Depression is a great liar.  It is riddled with “unhelpful thinking habits.”  Global labeling is a common hallmark of depression. 

Many times global labeling is more subtle and self-inflicted when depression is involved.  Usually depression involves an inner dialogue of untruths a person believes about themselves and the world around them. An example would be, “I’m never good enough,” or “everyone hates me.”

If you’re in a relationship with a depressed person, you may find it difficult to communicate with them.  Depression often turns an individual inward and it can come across as self-focused, leaving the significant other feeling ignored.

Depression colors a person’s outlook.  Because of this, someone married to a depressed person may feel that it is a struggle to enjoy life together and to have positive conversations.

Low Self-Worth (Self-Esteem)

Low self-esteem and insecurity go hand in hand.  A person may have quite the bravado, but it is a mask for a sense of low self-worth.  This person may use labelling abusively to keep a spouse “in their place.”

This would be the person that calls a spouse “stupid” or any number of belittling insults. A person with low-self esteem is not always the timid wallflower.  Ironically, people with low self-esteem can be aggressive.

A person with low self-worth is often too focused on themselves. They don’t take the time to find out or care why a person is behaving a certain way or another. It is easier for them to use this “black and white thinking” when the truth is that the other person is much more complicated. 

It is difficult for them to look outside of themselves and see how that person may be hurting or is just using their behaviors as negative coping mechanisms.

Ways to Overcome Labeling:

If you find yourself insulting your spouse by name calling, or if you make extreme judgments about that person openly or even subtly, the only way you’re going to overcome it is with a repentant heart. 

It’s recognizing that you’ve sinned against that person and that you need to change your behavior.  An apology is not enough. A true apology is changed behavior lived out. 

Colossians 3:7-8 says, “You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language.”

Ephesians 4:29-31 says, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.”

Vincent’s homework: Vincent explains homework that he gives many of his couples and families that he counsels. For every 1 put-down, give 3 compliments. The person who was given the put-down is the judge of whether the statement, gesture, tone, or phrase was a put-down to them.

This simple rule or homework can really help couples and families to slow down with their name-calling and poor speech to one another.

We want God-honoring marriages.  James, the brother of Jesus, says in James 1:20:   “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Anger used inappropriately can be very damaging in relationships. It can cause separation and isolation.

Let’s build up our spouses using the principles behind Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

Practice speaking your gratitude.  Let your spouse know the things about them that you appreciate.  Encourage them.  You will go much farther with these precious marriage skills than cutting someone down to put them in their place, because aren’t we all lowly and in need of a Savior?  

SHOW NOTES

Introduction

(Laura):  I hated football early in our marriage—and in one way or another, I let my husband know.  Unfortunately,  I let him know while at football games.  The sun was too bright, it was too hot, no one scored, the wrong team scored.  It didn’t matter. 

I made a big deal out of it.  I don’t do this now.  It’s important to me that my husband spend time doing something he enjoys, and I can muster the wherewithal to be pleasant and show him support.  I don’t have to complain—I can look for the silver-linings.  

We all have Eeyores and George Castanzas in our lives.  These are people that are chronically negative.  They are the Debbie Downers that don’t see the good things right under their noses.  

In today’s episode, we are going to discuss “MAGNIFYING.”  This is our 2nd episode in our series “Anger in Marriage.” 

What is MAGNIFYING?

Magnifying is blowing things out of proportion.  A person who magnifies exaggerates the negative and provokes angry responses.  

Who Magnifies?

Often people who are guilty of magnifying fall into one or several camps.

• Depression  
• Anxiety
• Perfectionism  
• Personality Disorder (Denial)

Depression

Let’s look at depression.  Depression is often marked by emotional reasoning.  Emotional reasoning is a thinking habit.  It’s the false belief – because something goes wrong that everything else will.  

Eeyore comes to mind.  He is chronically negative.  He is also the master of exaggerating.  He has trouble seeing the good in his life, namely the support he has from his friends.  Eeyore can’t see the honeycomb for the bees.  Pooh, on the other hand, gravitates to the beehive.  Oftentimes, he recruits some friends to help. 

Pooh is able to take a difficult situation and see the good in it. He even find moral support along the way.

Anxiety

Living with anxiety is like living with a worry monster in your head.  It dictates what you do, what you say, and how you behave.  This can negatively impact relationships as it is self-focused and can ignore the needs of others.  The anxiety can overpower a person’s ability to see how it may be affecting another person.

A common scenario we see as couples counselors is disagreements surrounding in-laws.  A situation such as Christmas at the in-laws can bring lots of stress.  (Be sure to reference our “Stress-Free Holiday” Podcast episode if you struggle with this.)  A spouse can ruminate over a particular in-law and how disagreeable that person is.  Meanwhile, they miss all the good that is happening around them and make others miserable.

Perfectionism

Many times perfectionism and anxiety go hand-in-glove.  This person struggles with a kind of fear.  It could be a fear of failure or fear of rejection. It bleeds into relationships.  This person can be so focused on controlling something that the behavior ends up controlling someone.  

A perfectionist could nit-pick a spouse to death, making it difficult for the two to have cordial, productive conversations.  This person could say “the car ride we took to Disney was horrible.”  Which can make implications that the other spouse’s company was not appreciated.

Personality Disorders

People with personality disorders often struggle in relationships.  One of the biggest red flags that someone has a personality disorder is their inability to recognize their faults or see that they have issues.  Because of this, everyone else is to blame. 

This person often behaves dramatically to emphasize their reaction to just how “bad” others are.  Essentially, this person is in a great deal of denial.  Don’t misunderstand me,  not all people that live in denial have personality disorders.  

Oh, No! I Magnify!  What Can I Do to Stop It!

First, I would recommend taking a look it yourself.  Are you depressed?  Anxious?  A perfectionist?  Are you in denial over something?  If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these, it’s important to seek help.  Your relationships will improve if you work on these things.  

Next,  I would suggest catching yourself in the act.  When you find yourself in the midst of magnifying, stop and ask yourself this:  “Is this really that bad?”  Another thing to remember to tell yourself is “I may be irritated right now, but I can deal with it.”

What Does the Bible Say?

In Philippians 4, Paul exhorts them to put their focus on the Lord always. He specifically tells them not to be anxious, but to consistently bring their thoughts and prayers to Jesus. In Philippians 4: 8, Paul says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

In Colossians 3 and in Ephesians 5, Paul encourages the church to be thankful and sing songs of gratitude. In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Pauls says, “Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

James seems to go a step further. At the beginning of his letter (James 1:2), he says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” James encourages Christians to rejoice in trials or difficult circumstances.

What If It Is My Spouse Who Magnifies?

Boundaries will be key.  Ask them,  “Is it really that bad?”  And empathize.  Acknowledge that they are frustrated, but also help them to see that they can handle it.

We hope that today’s episode ups your communication skills game.  When we’re angry, it can be really easy to use poor communication.  Today’s tips can prevent you from blowing a disagreement out of proportion and can stall out unnecessary escalations. 

SHOW NOTES

On today’s show, we discuss how to avoid blame in marriage.  This is the 1st episode in our series of “Anger in Marriage.” The episode begins with a disagreement Laura and Vincent had the night before. 

The scenario:  Vincent comes home late from a very long, challenging day at work.  Laura, meanwhile, has had a tedious day working from home.  Needless to say, both were “done” with the day.  This set the tone for their interaction when Vincent got home. 

Vincent comes home to find Laura in the living room, feeding the baby to vocal trainers on YouTube.  This wasn’t exactly his idea of a relaxing atmosphere.  What was helping Laura wind down, was not Vincent’s cup of tea.  Vincent said  that he wanted to watch something else, but Laura continued to watch another video.  

Vincent got angry.  Laura left the room.  Laura admits she did not put forth the effort to communicate clearly. 

She made the assumption that if she left the room, Vincent would follow.  Instead, he sat in the living room with the tv off, waiting on her.  Meanwhile, Laura is in lying in bed, waiting on Vincent. 

Be Mindful of How You Are and The Atmosphere 

Operating on little energy, having a rough day, and being tired and hungry are the times where we need to be the most mindful of how we treat our loved ones.  However, these are the times we struggle the most with using our communication skills.

How does this tie into blaming?  Laura admits to blaming Vincent that night.  She had gotten stuck on a comment he had said about wishing he could have been home that day instead. 

Laura felt that Vincent was saying that she had an easier job than him, which influenced what she said and how she behaved towards him.  She admits that she has struggled for the entirety of their marriage with wanting Vincent to read her mind. 

For Laura, it has taken time and practice to develop communication skills in being more direct and learning to better express her feelings.

Laura and Vincent introduce today’s topic of blaming as the first in a series of episodes on anger.  

Blame In Action

Vincent uses “The Three Stooges” as an example of blame in action.  They are three brothers, and they are not bright.  Moe is the leader and the aggressor.

Curly makes the worst decisions or behaves the silliest.  Curly was known for saying, “I’m a victim of circumstance.”  Curly was continually not taking responsibility for what was going on in his life and blaming others and circumstances for his poor choices. 

There is a set of unhealthy behaviors that we see in The Three Stooges and in real life couples: victim mentality, codependency (when you think your feelings are contingent on another person), and poor communication. 

“Thanks, But No Thanks”, The Gift Story

Laura uses another illustration of blame in action.  A couple has been married for years.  The husband gives the wife gifts that she does not like. 

She never understands why he doesn’t give her what she likes.  She complains about what he gets her, but she is never direct about what she would like.  She assumes he should read her mind; that it would show that he “knows” her. 

She is being passive and passive-aggressive.  She is expecting him to mind-read her. Saying “if he truly loved me, he would know what I want,” is an act of codependency.

You cannot know what another person is thinking.  You’re basing your relationship on an “untruth”, if you believe that you should know what the other is thinking without direct communication.

The Dishwasher Is Broken, But My Day Was Worse – The Dishwasher story

A stay-at-home mom has been at it all day.  She has tried to accomplish cleaning while caring for the children and other tasks.  The dishwasher breaks down. She has not had any adult interaction. 

Her husband comes home after a frustrating day at work, tired.  The wife begins to talk; it comes across as complaining.  She is explaining what happened during the day.

The husband hears the first part about he dishwasher. He immediately goes and finds his tools to work on the dishwasher. All the while, she is still talking about her day.  What does that do to the wife?

She gets frustrated.  She wants to be heard, maybe even more than she wants the dishwasher fixed.  She was looking for emotional support, empathy.  Her blaming is that he never listens.  If she were to communicate directly, the husband would learn that she wants to be heard right now, not have the dishwasher fixed this instant.

“This is a Madhouse” – Perfectionistic/Workaholic Men Story

In abusive relationships, it is not uncommon to hear blaming.  Common blaming remarks would be, “I would not have hit you if you had not…”  Oftentimes men who behave this way are workaholics, or are perfectionistic, alcoholics, or have some sort of compulsions.  The abuse towards the other spouse does not have to be just physical. More often it is emotional. 

Vincent gives the example of a workaholic man who comes home to find his home, as what he would describe as “a wreck.”  He finds things scattered all over the house, half-done projects everywhere, and dinner is not cooked. 

He starts to complain, stomp or make snide, indirect comments.  He has unrealistic expectations of the wife when he really does not know what happened that day.  

All he knows is that at his workplace, he has everything in order.  His calendar is organized; his desk tidy.  Everything goes swimmingly.  He is in control of everything at work. 

He comes home to what he perceives as chaos.  He thinks, “This is a madhouse.”  He believes that if his wife could keep the home neat and the kids under control, then he can relax and be happy.  It is her fault that he is unable to relax in the evening.

TIPS TO OVERCOME BLAMING

For the husband just mentioned, he feels that he needs to be in control over everything.  As a result, he is constantly striving for perfection and he misses out on quality time with family. 

Mary and Martha in the Bible (Luke 10: 38-42) provide a great example of this mentality.  A “Martha mentality” keeps you from being in the present with your relationships. The man mentioned above seems not to be comfortable with the idea of taking time with his children and wife, while things are seemingly left undone.

In the gift scenario given above, if the wife AND husband were more assertive, the situation would be less rife with conflict.  She needs to be more direct and express her feelings clearly. This could mean saying, “green is not my color.” Or, “I’d really like to have a spa day.”  For him, being more assertive may mean him asking, “What do you what?  What do you like?”

In the dishwasher scenario, she feels like she’s not being heard, and he feels like he is helping her.  For this situation to play out with less conflict, instead of blaming him, she would need to slow down.

She would have to be direct and say, “I really need for you to listen to me.  The dishwasher is okay.  I really need a hug and you listen to me.”  She needs to slow down, not launch into a litany, and show him that she needs emotional support.

Conclusion

In order to overcome issues with blaming, you need to learn to accept personal responsibility for your part in conflict or issues and be more assertive. Take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of communication.

You have to be genuine and honest with the other person, but first you have to be genuine and honest with yourself.  It is helpful to identify the walls you’ve put up or the negative coping mechanisms you have established in order to better your communication.

Sidenote:  If you are coming to the end of this podcast episode and you find it was not helpful, you probably are blaming us for your issue.  Time for self-reflection.