Sexual harassment allegations have become the news du jour. Rather than letting this subject disappear into tomorrow’s newest emerging topic, Vincent and Laura address the long-term implications of the media’s coverage of sexual harassment.
One issue that has become abundantly clear is that sexual harassment victims are being misunderstood and often invalidated. Today’s episode is aimed at those who do not understand why victims do not come forward, or come forward years later.
Laura shares her reticence of discussing the topic, due to her own experience with sexual harassment. She expresses her concerns over the use of labels such as “victim” or “ignorant”. Sexual harassment is a delicate topic and subject to judgment.
The hosts have determined nine reasons that keep people from reporting sexual harassment, but there are likely many more. (These are NOT listed in any particular order.)
Why Don’t They Report?
1.) They don’t know they’ve been harassed.
For generations past, the phrase “sexual harassment” was not part of the vernacular. The words were not used, and the actions rarely talked about or explained. Many parents did not warn their children about it or make themselves available to discuss it.
2.) They have a sexual abuse history.
Related to the reasoning behind the first, sexual abuse history has an inter-and multi-generational reach. Family secrets are kept under the rug and perpetuated by a “family culture” of secrecy, poor communication, and lack of openness. (Listen to our interview with Paul Mosher Wallace about sexual abuse.)
3.) They don’t want to minimize others’ experiences.
4.) They have minimized their own experiences.
Some rationalize their silence because they were not raped. Laura explains that rather than making a comparison between rape and harassment, the two should be viewed like “apples and oranges”, both rape and harassment are wrong and bad.
Denial is a powerful coping mechanism. It perpetuates the myth that something wrong did not happen and it keeps the victim from having to feel the anger and shame associated with what happened to them.
5.) Fear of re-traumatization.
Sexual harassment is threatening and can be scary. Laura encourages those who have never experienced sexual harassment to think back to a time where they have experienced extreme fear in a situation.
Ask yourself, “Do I want to go through that again?” Sexual harassment victims do not want to have to relive the experience.
6.) They have low self-esteem.
The culture of secrecy promotes passivity, poor communication and lack of self-respect. When others, such as family members or members of authority have minimized your experience, it discourages you from being transparent and confident.
7.) Others have downplayed their experience when they did try to tell.
Many victims of sexual abuse have tried to tell. The problem is that when they did, either the listener did not understand or choose to understand. Or the victim was not able to communicate what had happened clearly.
Bear in mind that sometimes the listener is a victim as well, and may be caught up in the culture of secrecy. Other times the listener does not choose to believe the victim. They do not want to hear any more about what happened and attempts to shut down the conversation.
8.) The threat of job loss.
Sexual harassment can be a power play. Figures of authority or superiors at work can use their position to abuse power to take advantage of their subordinates.
Imagine a single mother trying to keep food on the table. She depends on her paycheck to keep her children fed, but she is sexually harassed.
9.) Reputation.
Those who have been sexually harassed often feel shame and embarrassment. Many times these people do not want to be identified with what happened to them.
WHY DON’T SEXUAL HARASSMENT VICTIMS SPEAK OUT? Learn how to avoid victim-blaming & the reasons why victims do not report. Therapists Vincent & Laura Ketchie provide insights into the topic and hope to encourage victims and educate those who may be blaming the victims. #MeToo
Dr. Jonathan Robinson has 43 years experience working with individuals, couples, and families, specializing in child psychology. He works with children with ADD, ADHD, autism, conduct disorder, and learning disorders. He is also a speaker and author of “Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting.”
Teachable Moments provides examples of actual client scenarios where Dr. Robinson prescribed different therapies for families. Dr. Robinson provides different protocols in the appendices of his book including: the quieting response, therapeutic journaling, and behavior management.
Who Gets the Most Attention?
Dr. Robinson finds that many families start to struggle when a new baby arrives. He provides an example with his experience with his daughter’s colic. A trip to the pediatrician quickly helped to recenter his focus. The pediatrician told him, ”Your daughter is a third of the family, and that’s how much attention she should be getting.”
Parents need to be able to take care of themselves, rather than burning out by focusing so much on the children. There’s nothing left for the marriage.
The Plexi-Glass Pyramid of Priorities
Dr. Robinson describes the plexi-glass pyramid of relationships as God being on top, spouses next and children one step down. Extended family, co-worker, etc fall below those. Families oftentimes get this out of order.
This starts many times with the birth of the first child as attention is shifted away from the spouse and to the infant. It is important for the father to be included in responsibilities and activities.
Trends in Psychology
Dr. Robinson believes that when pharmaceutical companies were given permission to advertise on tv that many changes occurred. He feels that there has been an influx of ADHD, ADD and Bi-Polar.
He finds people are self-diagnosing these conditions through these ads and are asking for the medications that are advertised. He receives flak from many parents because he will tell them their children do not need medication.
He finds many parents come to him after they start medicating their children. Dr. Robinson studies organic and neurochemical data for his evaluations, and often finds nothing to support prescribing medications to children.
Imperatives
Communication is relationship. How we communicate sets the tone for the quality of relationship and our parenting. In the first chapter of his book, Dr. Robinson describes active listening and empathy. Both are imperative in healthy parenting.
He describes what he calls an “emotional fever.” Parents know how to treat a physical fever, but are many times clueless as to how to cope with emotional issues. Parents are encouraged to look at verbal and nonverbal cues from their children.
Dr. Robinson challenges parents to stop using their position as parents as a position of power, and to look at what they have as a relationship.
A family is not a democracy. Parents need to accept their authority, while encouraging their children’s input. He uses the phrase “benevolent despot” to describe a healthy parental role.
Hormones will wreak havoc. Dr. Robinson sees a certain set of issues arise during adolescence, namely a need for better self-care. He encourages therapeutic journalling.
Teenagers need to be shown that they can have responsibilities and acquire freedom as they show improved responsibility. When they prove to be irresponsible, freedom is pulled back.
Parenting Stages
Hands-on parenting: birth to age five. The child is unable to do for himself.
Directive parenting: age five to twelve. We tell children what and how to do while we watch them and help them.
Advice-based parenting: twelve to eighteen. The adult has advice to share.
Consultative parenting: parenting the adult child. The parent has advice to share IF the adult child wishes to be consulted.
If a parent gets stuck in one of these stages, the child’s mood and attitude will sour and rebellion will take place. (Dr. Robinson gives the example of a parent getting stuck in the directive parenting stage and their teen becomes rebellious.)
Rebellion
Parents want to avoid teenage rebellion, however, it is important for a child to find his own individual identity and so rebellion takes place. Parents can shepherd their teens through active listening and advice-based parenting.
Often kids prior to pre-adolescence hold their parents up as heroes and want to be just like them. From the ages thirteen to about twenty, kids know they are not their parents, but they do not know who they are and are trying to find out.
Dr. Robinson has learned that 80% of an adult child’s personality has been influenced by his parents. The other 20% was learned through his own independence. Parents need to be available for their teens to talk to them.
Active Listening
The great thing about active listening is that “you’re right when you’re right and you’re right when you’re wrong.” Focusing on what you think they are feeling while talking to them helps the child open up more, creating a healthy conversation and opportunity for the child to process.
Teachable Moments
We are instructed in Proverbs 22: 6 to “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” When your child has an emotional fever, use active listening. Address it not by fixing it, but by helping them identify what they are feeling. Once that has taken place, you can help them as they go about fixing the problem.
Parents have a tendency to be problem solvers. Dr. Robinson provides this advice: Don’t solve problems, don’t criticize, don’t judge. These tools are based on power rather than relationship. If parents are always trying to solve the problem or give them the answer it sends the message to the child that he is incapable of solving his own problems.
We don’t want to give them solutions, but shepherd them on their journey to growth. Dr. Robinson encourages parents to look for teachable moments with their children, whether it is through positive or negative circumstances.
What was an ‘a-ha’ moment for you? Any number of circumstances when clients respond positively when truth is spoken to them.
What’s your current passion? His book. He retired from his clinical practice a little over a year ago. He’s preparing a newsletter and resources for parents and helping professionals. He has been out in the community in a variety of ways.
His story:
When he was twelve he didn’t know anything about psychology. His older brother broke his neck then and has been a parapelegic for fifty-three years. He helped his brother through the recovery. He attended Wake Forest University for accounting and economics, making D’s, and was encouraged to take psychology by friends. He made an A in psychology. He went with his strong suit.
The Final Lap:
What is your most effective relationship skill? He worked most with children ages five to twelve. He used play therapy primarily and colleagues had to tell him to pipe it down, he and the kids were having so much fun. Kids got well through having fun with the interventions.
What has been your biggest stumbling block with God? Not making room for Him. Part of self-care is having a personal devotional time, a couple devotional time and a family devotional time. It hasn’t always been that way. Dr. Robinson references Genesis 50:20 “What Satan intends for bad, God uses for good” in regards to his brother’s accident and sees how as difficult as the time was, it grew them. His life impacted others and Dr. Robinson.
What is the best advice you’ve ever received? Dr. Robinson appreciates AA’s catchphrase, “Let go and let God.”
Who do you admire most, other than a biblical figure? Johnny Callison of the Philadelphia Phillies. Dr. Robinson played baseball for forty-six years and has enjoyed the counterbalance it provides to therapy work.
What is your favorite book, other than the Bible? A lot of the work of C.S. Lewis. His collection of books have been most impactful, both personally and professionally.
Parting wisdom: You’re never too old to learn. The journey from birth to death is about living or preparing to die. Dr. Robinson wants to see people live as Jesus said: “I’ve come to give you life and have it more abundantly.” Having life is surviving, but having it abundantly is thriving. He encourages people to move from surviving to thriving.
TURN DIFFICULT MOMENTS INTO “TEACHABLE MOMENTS”–Learn from Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson and his book “Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting”. Dr. Robinson has over 40 years of experience counseling children and teens. Learn how to have a better relationship with your children today!
In the United States, we seem to go overboard with the holidays. We want it all. We want to do it all. We want everyone (family) to spend time with us. Like Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, we want the perfect Christmas. But with these unrealistic expectations, we set ourselves up for not only failure, but a lot of stress.
“Other than loss and loneliness, I think the number one reason people struggle with the holidays is the inability to say ‘no’.” Laura Ketchie, LPC
Holiday Scale of Stress
Staying at someone else’s home or having others to stay at your home.
Visiting multiple places in just matter of one or two days.
Providing food for these different situations when you are not at home to cook or have the time.
Sleeplessness (kids getting up early to see what Santa left, having a limited sleep due to late night parties, etc.)
Unhealthy food/beverage consumption.
Having to face awkwardness, unresolved family issues, anger, etc. that comes with being with family that you try to avoid year-round.
Staying at Someone Else’s Home
Here’s some questions to consider:
Does the host family struggle with boundaries?
Will you get a good night’s sleep?
Is it safe to stay there? Is it safe for the children?
Will staying at their house benefit or damage your relationship with them?
Possible Solutions
Stay in a hotel.
Pair staying in a hotel with some kind of excursion activity.
Limit the amount of time that you stay. (Maybe only two nights instead of an entire week.)
Write down expected boundaries and necessities and share that with the host.
Don’t go every year.
Having Others To Stay At Your House
Here’s some questions to consider:
Is this an idea that you want to become a tradition?
What expectations do you have of your guests?
Food preparation? Who supplies what when?
When are you ready to receive guests?
Do you have other activities that do not involve your guests?
Possible Solutions
Sit down with your spouse and plan. Write down your expectations and rules for your guests. (Example: The office is off-limits. Bedtime/Quiet time is 11pm.)
Clearly communicate your expectations and rules to your guests.
Ask your guests if they have any expectations or needs.
Write down a schedule for activities and meals.
Tell them that you cannot host them this year.
Visiting Multiple Places in the Matter of One or Two Days
The Result
Exhaustion
With little children, it is getting them out of a routine which has numerous negative effects – poor eating, poor sleep, crankiness (for the children too), worn down & more susceptible to sickness, etc.
More time spent traveling than with family.
No quality time spent with anyone. (Just a lot of “Hi & Byes”)
The Solution
Rotate visitation. (Go to one side one year and the other the next.)
Have them come to you. (Invite them to your house.)
Visit one side the weekend before and the other side the weekend afterwards, but neither during the specific holiday.
Just have the holiday with your nuclear family.
Providing Food When You Are Not Home To Cook Or Don’t Have the Time
Here’s some possible solutions:
Cook something and freeze it a month earlier.
Take shortcuts by buying pre-made food from your grocer’s deli.
Agree to be the one who brings the paper products.
Stop over-identifying with “what” you bring and put more focus on the “who” you will be with.
Sleeplessness
Results of Sleeplessness
Irritability – snap at people.
Headaches.
Difficulty concentrating.
More susceptible to sickness.
Greater car accident risk.
Solution for More Sleep
Extra nap time for kids and adults.
Allow for more time to travel. (Maybe leave a day early and stop and rest for the night.)
Go to bed earlier on Christmas Eve.
Sleep in late on the days afterward.
Unhealthy Food/Drink Consumption
The Holiday Consumption Mentality
The more you eat the better time that you will have. (The same goes for alcohol consumption.)
I must eat a lot to show the cook that I liked it.
The food is so good I have to have seconds.
If I don’t eat Aunt May’s dessert, she will be offended.
The Results of Over-Consumption
You feel tired and don’t have much energy.
System may get out of whack.
You can’t move as well.
If too much alcohol, you may end saying and doing things that harm your relationships.
You model this habit to your children.
You have a lower self-image.
The Some Solutions for Healthy Eating and Drinking
Prepare raw vegetables & fruit as part of meal or to snack on.
Begin making healthy food choices before the holidays.
Have water as an option to drink.
Limit the amount of alcohol available.
Make a pact with your spouse to eat less or stop eating when full.
Tell them “I’ll take some home with me to eat” as not to offend them.
Dealing With Awkward, Unresolved Family Issues
Some Tips
Forget about trying to “change” the other person. Remember that you can only change you, and how you react to others.
Ask yourself at any given time “How am I making assumptions?” Assumptions and faulty expectations grow like a snowball in an avalanche.
Think of the fussy toddler rule. More than likely one of the reasons you feel agitated is that you’re hungry, tired, or cannot communicate your needs in a clear way. Learn to communicate. This means using “I feel statements” rather than the ALWAYS defensive “You statements.”
If You Must Talk About It ...
Make sure you are assertive and not aggressive or passive.
Before you open your mouth, make sure the atmosphere is appropriate.
Both seated.
No distractions. Think about your senses. Is there anything that will take away?
HOW TO TAKE THE STRESS OUT OF THE HOLIDAYS–Prepare for family accommodations, family meal planning and family dysfunction with therapists Vincent & Laura Ketchie. They provide tips on how to have a more joyful holiday with your family.
William “Bill” Zajac has a passion for strengthening marriages. He is an author, speaker, marriage coach, and business consultant. He has developed the program “Unbeatable Marriage.” His job is to deal with problem solving in marriage.
Failure lies in one degree of separation. You have to continue to work on your marriage to make it work. One, you can go after the root cause of your problem or you can learn the best practices in marriage and apply those to your marriage.
Bill created a random survey and learned about what makes strong couples. There are five pillars that are foundational to maintaining a strong marriage. The couple’s faith was a strong indicator of the couple’s relationship. God is at the center of their marriage and their lives and are focused on service.
Through the surveys Bill learned that the number one indicator of the strength of a marriage was the friendship and compatibility of the couple. It appeared in over half of thriving marriages.
“Romance and excitement is very important. It is the number one desire of couples who have been married a while.”
Bill expected communication to be a primary reason why couples last, but only 15% indicated this in his surveys. He believes that if you’re good friends, that communication flows more easily from them.
We cannot change anyone but ourselves. It’s important to treat issues in a marriage not as the other person’s problem, but a problem with the relationship.
Signs that a couple needs to seek help:
Bill uses the analogy of the “boiled frog” to describe how marriage get in trouble. You do not throw a frog in a pot of hot water, it will jump right out, but if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly adjust the heat, the frog will not know he’s cooked until its too late. Careers gets in the way, kids activities, etc get in the way of the daily connection time, date nights etc. that help to maintain marriages.
Couples need to pray together. Many couples go to church and pray for their food, but do not pray together. Not praying together leads to a lack of spiritual connection with the couple.
Praying together is a very intimate act and centers the couple’s focus. Bill advises taking baby steps in praying together, if it is not something that a couple normally practices. Start with asking “What can I pray for you today?” It’s difficult to have a poor attitude towards your spouse when you are praying for them.
After Bill finished writing the book, Bill learned that many people are in an “imaginary state of neutral” but that truthfully they are not in a good place. Couples are growing apart. They are letting the important every day practices slide.
Many times couples let their marriages be less of a priority. God should be first, then spouse, then children. It’s important to model to your children what a good marriage looks like, or your children will learn to leave their spouses in last place.
The “Unbeatable Marriage” program is challenging. The elements that make a good marriage are foreign to many.
Speed Round:
What is your most effective relationship skill? Listening. Trying to understand where your spouse is at, how is life going for them. Listening with full intention. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
What is your current passion? How to generate change in these two areas: How do we get couples who think their marriages are okay to understand that they are not? How do we create a burning desire in people to change?
Divorce has become minimized. People think their lives will get better, and yet they have bought into a lie. They will have the problems that brought them into divorce and more.
What has been your biggest stumbling block with God? 100% trusting in God. My own ideas get in my way of trusting God.
What is the best advice you have ever received? Are you playing the game of chess or are you playing the game of checkers? Do you have the end game in mind or are you just making decisions at random (going through the motions every day).
Who do you admire the most, other than a biblical figure? Pastor Farrell at Grace Covenant Church. A great servant of God, always asking what he can do for you.
What is your favorite book besides the bible? The Butterfly Effect. A simple book about how everything we do in life can have an impact on other things later. Helps the reader have a long term perspective.
What is your most effective relationship habit? Start each day with connection time, pray together, then go about our day. Also a weekly date night.
Parting wisdom: Couples need to pray together daily, going out on weekly date nights, couples need to get away together outside of normal routine, they need to work and plan.
Laura opens today’s episode with a sketch depicting what a panic attack feels like. She describes this example as the birth of a panic cycle.
Panic attacks can be debilitating. They can come out of nowhere or they can be provoked by a trigger. Whatever the case, the fear of having another attack creates a vicious cycle of fear of more panic attacks to come.
When Laura sees a client for their first session, she assesses for panic attacks. She’s learned that she cannot ask if someone has panic attacks because most people do not know the difference between panic attacks and anxiety attacks.
So what is the difference? AND, how can you help a loved one who is having them?
What Brings Someone to Counseling for Anxiety?
Usually something more than someone’s self-awareness about their anxiety brings them to a counselor. Sometimes people are bothered enough on an individual level with their anxiety to come to counseling, but more often than not, they go because of how their anxiety is hampering their relationships. Maybe their anxiety makes them controlling over a spouse, or their work relationships suffer because they are unable to function well at work.
Anxiety Can Harm Relationships
Oftentimes it is other people who encourage the person with anxiety to get help because their relationship is suffering. Sometimes couples suffer because the anxiety sufferer is so ruled by fear that they limit the activities they will participate in with their spouse.
For instance, you may have a spouse that has a strong fear of driving and because of this the couple is unable to travel or make important trips. This limiting behavior could be particularly debilitating if that spouse refuses to drive to important appointments or struggles to drive to get to work.
Another problem could be the controlling behavior of a loved one. We sometimes laugh at the label “control freak”, but in all actuality it’s not funny.
When you’re on the receiving end of a controlling person, you can feel pretty miserable. The person doing the controlling is miserable, too. So, this controlling person is generally motivated by fear.
That means whatever limits they place are determined by their fears. Being motivated by fear does not grow a relationship and can make a relationship become stagnant and unproductive.
People struggling with anxiety are often mind-readers. This puts couples in particular trouble because the anxiety sufferer will come up with assumptions about their spouse because in their minds they are being self-protective.
This often backfires because their assumptions are false. Then the loved one calls them on their false assumptions and the anxiety sufferer becomes defensive. They become defensive because they are afraid to change a behavior that they believe protects them.
ER Visits for Panic Attacks Are Not Uncommon
Laura finds that people come to her for counseling after a single or multiple visits to the ER. Many times the person fears they are having a heart attack or think they are dying.
They go to the hospital only to find out they are physically sound. A doctor then recommends that the person seek therapy or anti-depressants. Or both.
So What is the Difference Between Panic Attacks and Anxiety Attacks
They share many similar characteristics. Both share increased heart rate. A panic attack may be even more elevated. Both have increased respirations, a panic sufferer even more so. Both can be sweaty. Both can have a fixation on something, or have a rumination about something.
The main difference is that when someone is suffering from a panic attack, they feel that they are about to die. Both anxiety and panic attacks are very physical events, however, panic attacks will shut someone down to the point of being incapacitated.
You cannot work while having a full-on panic attack. You may be able to collect yourself during an anxiety attack, but a panic attack is abject dysfunction.
How To Help a Loved One Who Is Having an Anxiety or Panic Attack
It’s very important to not get sucked into that person’s experience. If you do, it’s like someone is drowning and someone intends to jump in and save them but gets pulled under the waves with them.
Try to get an idea of what you’re dealing with. Is it a panic attack or anxiety attack? Someone suffering from a panic attack often feels as though they are dying. Don’t dismiss this feeling—it’s very real to them.
Be aware that panic attacks work in cycles. Panic disorder can get progressively worse without treatment because of the panic cycle.
What is a Panic Cycle?
A panic cycle is having a fear that leads to a panic attack. The person feels as though they are dying, and have a panic attack. The attack resolves itself after several minutes.
Later, the person is afraid of having another panic attack. The fear of having another panic attack perpetuates the cycle. The cycle is almost more like a spiral because they can get worse.
Fight or Flight
Someone has an anxiety or panic attack because they are reacting to a perceived threat. The body responds to a perceived threat by releasing hormones, such as adrenaline, to prepare the body to protect itself from danger.
When there is a legitimate threat, this system, also known as fight or flight, works great. However, sometimes our minds have difficulty determining when a threat is legitimate. In these cases, the body is going into fight or flight mode as a result of anxious thinking. The heart rate quickens and respirations increase. The pupils dilate creating a headache if the anxiety persists.
If a person has been diagnosed with panic attacks, gently, but firmly remind them that they are experiencing a panic attack. If not, you can feed into the intensity of the emotional environment. At this point, you can help “ground” them.
Grounding Exercises
A particular coping skill set called “grounding techniques.” Grounding basically means becoming refocused on your surroundings. When someone becomes particularly anxious, they are so focused on fears, usually about the future–using “what ifs”– that they lose sight of being in the moment.
If a loved one is suffering from a panic attack, help them reconnect with their breath. You can’t get anywhere with someone whose brain is having to deal with hyperventilation. Slowing and deepening the breath helps to create a consistent and steady supply of the appropriate level of oxygen to the brain.
Another way to ground the panic sufferer is to help them notice their safety. If they are having a panic attack on a sofa. Ask them about the sofa. Ask them where they are. What does the sofa feel like? What are the lights like in the room? You may offer them a pillow or a stuffed animal and ask them what that feels like.
Get Them “In The Moment”
Anxiety and panic are rooted in trying to control the future out of fear. Because of this, the sufferer is rarely in the moment.
Learning to ground oneself helps that person to be more present and functional. They become more in tune with their senses and present surroundings.
Four Square Breathing
If your loved one already knows how to do it, remind them of the breathing technique, if not, you can walk them through the process.
They need to breathe in through their nose for a count of four.
Pause for a count of four.
Exhale through the mouth for a count of four (as if blowing out a birthday candle).
Pause for a count of four. (Then repeat.)
There are four steps done in four counts, hence “Four Square Breathing.” Do this for a while.
Coping Skills Tool Box
A coping skills tool box is a useful way to deal with anxiety or panic. Collect your favorite scents, such as scented candles or essential oils. Create a special playlist of your favorite calming music.
Comfy blankets or t-shirts are a nice thing to keep in your box. All of these can be at your fingertips when needed to quell an attack.
Don’t Get Sucked In!
Someone can get caught in the attack by feeding the fears of the sufferer. If you start acting anxious or out of control, it will make the environment more high energy.
It’s important to lower the emotional intensity in the environment. You can be there for someone who is having an attack by learning grounding skills. Another issue that you may have to face is that of reassurance-seeking behaviors of the anxiety sufferer.
Reassurance-Seeking Behaviors
An anxiety or panic sufferer often seeks reassurance from loved ones. This often falls into Obsessive Compulsive Disordered behavior.
Laura gives the example of a person who has a fear of germs. They could be with a loved one in a restaurant and see a patron across the room sneeze. Then they could ask their loved one if that will make them sick.
You could play the game of logic with them, but you will lose. The obsessive/compulsion is like a rollercoaster you won’t be able to get off of.
By engaging them in the discussion, they will come up with more reasons they are going to get sick. That’s the progressive nature of it.
The best way to handle it is to answer their question once, and then after that respond to more questions with something to the effect of “Asked and answered.” Meaning you are not going to continue trying to play the brain games of trying to make them feel better.
The truth is, they will only feel better momentarily if you answer them. They will feel best when they develop confidence over their fear, and the only way to do that is not to enable the compulsion.
Conclusion
Today’s topic is larger than we can cover in a podcast episode, but we hope that you have gained some helpful knowledge about recognizing panic and anxiety, and how to help a loved one cope. If you are experiencing strain in your family or marriage or you are struggling with your own fears, we highly advise seeking out professional help.
A licensed counselor or therapist can come alongside you and help you. They will determine healthy ways to improve your relationships and healthy ways to cope with your fears.
If your loved one is suffering from anxiety and/or panic, it’s important to not be dismissive of how they feel. You may have to learn how to do the “Asked and answered” response mentioned earlier, but you do not have to do it in an aggressive way.
And you do not have to lord their anxieties over them by saying that “they” are the problem in the relationship. This is only baiting the sufferer for a fight.
For additional reading try the following articles:
Tired of all of the worry? Having anxiety and/or panic attacks? Not sure of the difference? Learn the difference and how you and your loved ones can cope with anxiety and panic attacks from Relationship Helpers, licensed professional counselors Vincent and Laura Ketchie.
