Marriage Archives - Page 7 of 10 -

042 Marriage: Need a Referee For Your Marriage?

SHOW NOTES

Dr. Barry Ham is the author of “Living on Purpose” and “Unstuck: Escaping the Rut of a Lifeless Marriage.” He has decades of experience in private practice counseling families.

Although he does not wear a referee shirt to counsel, he does get in the midst of heated and difficult situations to help. He sees couples that have experienced decades of dysfunctional communication. Often people are out of touch with their feelings, and they are not good listeners.

What Communication Skills do I Need to Improve My Relationship?

“I” messages and reflective listening are key techniques to master. Learning to be honest with your feelings, owning your feelings and being responsible for them is very important. Another great skill to learn is building boundaries.

As counselors, it is important that we continue to encourage couples as they develop new boundaries and support them to stay intentional with it. Dr. Ham compares falling back into bad relationship habits to muscle memory. We have to be consistent with being intentional and following through with our boundaries.

An important boundary can be to determine when a disagreement needs time to cool off, rather than to continue digging into it. Our culture of instant gratification has made it even more difficult for couples to navigate disagreements, as we have come to expect quick resolutions.

Let’s See Marriages Saved!

We have the ability as individuals to relate to our mates not just in saving our marriages, but making them engaged and vibrant. We impact our culture by setting an example of a model of what God desires relationship to be like with His people.

Children learn how to ‘do’ relationships from their parents. If we can create healthy marriages we will create a healthier society.

Live On Purpose

People who do not live on purpose usually don’t give much thought into doing things differently. People who do not live on purpose get “this” schooling because it’s what’s expected. They have “this” number of kids because that’s what everyone else is doing. They retire at “this” age because that’s when everyone else is doing it.

God put us here to serve, to make a difference in people’s lives. If you get to retirement and you are sitting there with your feet propped up, it’s not satisfying, you get disillusioned.

Around the age of thirty, Dr. Ham came to a crossroads where he became disillusioned. He began to reflect on God’s word and how it relates to His people. There are principles and truths in scripture that God has created for us that help us better find our purpose.

Knowing your purpose and your destination, improves the ride. It is spiritually irresponsible to not live out intentionally.

Speed Round

What has been your biggest stumbling block in your relationship with God?

Not wanting to do things God’s way. (Especially in his younger years.)

Today, his biggest stumbling block is spending adequate time with Him. If you’re not connected to God, you won’t have the energy to do what it is He needs you to do today.

What is the best advice you’ve received?

Listen to God. If I don’t hear Him, nothing else matters. If I don’t spend time listening to God, it gives a sense of peace.

Who do you admire the most, other than a biblical figure?

People who are genuine, who are what they appear to be. People who have poured their lives into others’ lives.

What is your favorite book, besides the Bible, and why?

The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. Dr. Ham went through a period in his thirties where he was seeking purpose, and found that through this fairytale story, he was able to better emotionally connect to Jesus’ sacrifice through the character of Aslan.

Parting Wisdom

When our marriages get to the edge of the divorce cliff or delegated to the trash heap, God has designed marriage to be vibrant. If two people are willing to come to the table, it can be restored. Biblical principles work in any marriage, if put into practice.

Another piece of wisdom, it doesn’t matter where you are in your journey, the best is yet to come!

Contact

www.livingonpurpose.net

ifitherapy.com

Need a Referee For Your Marriage? Today’s guest is Dr. Barry Ham, the author of “Living on Purpose” and “Unstuck: Escaping the Rut of a Lifeless Marriage.” He has decades of experience in private practice counseling families. Although he does not wear a referee shirt to counsel, he does get in the midst of heated and difficult situations to help. Dr. Ham gives valuable advice on how to hand these situations and how to thrive in life.

038 Marriage: A Pre-Marital Checklist

SHOW NOTES

Pray together and then discuss these questions.

Spiritual

☐ 1. Do you share the same spiritual background? (If different, how so?)

☐ 2. How much spiritual involvement are you going to have with your spouse? (How many times per week will you pray with each other? How often will you do devotionals and study the Bible together?)

☐ 3. How much church involvement will you have? (Sundays, Sundays and Wednesday night services, more, less?)

☐ 4. How much spiritual involvement/church involvement will you have with your future children? (How many times per week will you pray together? How often will you do devotionals and read Bible stories? How often will you go to church?)

Family/Children

☐ 5. Do you want to have children?

☐ 6. If you say yes, do you believe that the mother should stay home with the child (children) after they are born? For how long?

☐ 7. What kind of extra-curricular activities will you allow when they get older?

☐ 8. What kind of schooling do you want them to have?

☐ 9. What is your back-up plan if want to have children, but find that you are infertile? (Would you consider adoption? What are your feelings on fertility treatment?)

☐ 10. What are your feelings on family planning? (How will you be prepared for an unplanned pregnancy?)

☐ 11. Are there any family traditions that you want to pass along to your family? Are there any ideas of new traditions you would like to start with your marriage?

☐ 12. Do you know each other’s medical history?

☐ 13. Consider your respective families. Think of the possibilities that your parents, or your spouse’s parents may need someone to assist them with day-to-day living. Would you consider having one or both of your parents or your spouse’s parents live with you?

☐ 14. What kind of time do you want to spend with each other’s family weekly, monthly, yearly? (This is a big question.)

☐ 15. How will you go about celebrating the holidays?

Money/Finances

☐ 16. How do you feel about the wife making more of an income than the husband? (Be honest, this one can be tricky and really bring about pride issues!)

☐ 17. What is your back-up plan if you lose your job?

☐ 18. Are you a saver or do you live beyond your means

☐ 19. Will you make a weekly/monthly/yearly budget together?

☐ 20. Will you share banking/credit card accounts, or have separate accounts?

Sex

☐ 21. What are your sexual expectations? (This will change as you learn about each other in the marital experience, be prepared for compromise.)

☐ 22. How do you feel about your spouse being seen in public with someone of the opposite sex without you? (Should your spouse be in close quarters with someone of the opposite sex alone?)

☐ 23. Consider the possibility that injury or illness could prevent sexual relations for weeks to months on end. Discuss your feelings about this.

☐ 24. Also consider the possibility of absence from one another due to business trips, deployments, etc. What will you do?

☐ 25. Have you considered having accountability partners? (These are people of the same sex who you can talk about issues such as temptation. It is very wise to find a strong Christian that you can discuss problems with. Many men find accountability partners helpful with dealing the temptation of pornography and the temptation of infidelity.)

Miscellaneous (And yet VERY important!)

☐ 26. Do you want pets? (Are you a cat person, dog person, exotic animal person?)

☐ 27. How will you divvy up household responsibilities?

☐ 28. Do you have or will you get life insurance?

☐ 29. Are you an organ donor?

☐ 30. Do you have a living will?

☐ 31. Do you believe in being placed on life support in the event of a life-threatening illness or injury?

☐ 32. What are your eating patterns/routines?

☐ 33. How would you like to spend “free time” as a married couple?

☐ 34. What is your opinion of alcoholic consumption?

Of course this list is a springboard for more questions you may have for each other. Use this list as an opportunity to bring up other questions you may have for each other.

Questions to ask your future spouse before the wedding day.

036 Marriage: 4 Things New Dads Need To Hear

SHOW NOTES

It seems that the moment junior is born, the doctors and nurses slip a pair of “mommy goggles” on the recovering mama because from that moment on, mama is different.

How she sees the world is different. Often the world is a more threatening place and she is in constant pursuit of keeping her tiny new human alive. But these mommy goggles also impact other things, too. Home life drastically changes.

If you’re not careful, those piles of dirty laundry may supersede your husband’s need to connect with you at the end of the day. Marriages take a hit from welcoming a new child into the world, but they do not have to be destroyed.

It’s important for new moms to put a few things into perspective. Remember that the child you’ve birthed will (hopefully) move out and pursue adulthood on their own someday. Because of this, the nest you built needs to stand beyond the short eighteen years your child lived with you.

In other words, when junior grows up, you’re left with Papa Bird. It’s important how you treat him while you are navigating motherhood. Don’t expect a free pass from being a good wife because “motherhood is hard.” You’re still married to the man who found you sexy when you dated. *knock, knock* He’s still in there.

I understand that most mothers feel overwhelmed. The idea of having to add more things onto a running list of to-do’s can seem laughable, but doing these things can save you heartache (and possibly the need for marriage counseling or a divorce lawyer) later on.

As vocal as we women can be, there are things that we sometimes aren’t good at saying. Here are four things that your man need to hear from you:

1.) I’m proud of you.

As overwhelmed as women feel trying to care for a newborn, a new father feels an incredible drive to succeed in making sure that he is providing for his family. Just because he may be away from the family for periods of time does not mean that he does not care.

It’s important that wives show their husbands how grateful they are for all that they have done for them. Countless times in self-help literature we are told that men need to be shown respect.

It doesn’t hurt to be specific in your praise. For example, “I know that getting up so early in the morning to drive an hour to work and deal with your demanding boss and then driving back with an hour of traffic wears on you. I appreciate how hard you work for us. I’m proud of you!”

2.) We make a great team.

Many men feel left out when a new baby enters the scene. Mom may seem scattered, distant and quite possibly demanding during this time.

If she’s not careful, she’s excluding her husband from being a part of being the family. Often resentment can build between parents developing a you vs. me mentality.

It’s important that the new mom give him messages that he is important to the family. This could mean involving him in some of the care of the baby and praising his efforts by telling him that you make a good team.

3) I want to spend time with you too.

In addition to involving the father in the care of the baby, it is important to plan time for just the mother and father.

This is intentional time set aside, marked on the calendar, that you spend together – a date. This would entail going out to eat and then spending some alone time afterwards relaxing together.

You could say something like, “I got a babysitter for this Saturday. Let’s plan a date together.”

4) You’re an awesome dad.

Words of affirmation go a long way. You’re just as much a new mom as he is a new dad. He needs to hear from you that you are acknowledging how special he is and what he means to your family.

Sometimes married moms feel like they are going at it alone, when a lack of communication is keeping the parents from feeling close and appreciated. Telling your husband why he is an awesome dad shows that you are paying attention.

Starting a new family is challenging. Days seem to run into each other. Sometimes you may feel that you need off the crazy train.

Wives, to prevent things from getting more difficult, remember the four things you can say to your husbands. If you do nothing else but keep that new baby alive and say these things to the new dad in your life, imagine what family life could be!

Four Things New Dads Need to Hear When a new baby comes, sometimes dads inadvertently take a backseat. New parents and therapists Vincent & Laura Ketchie discuss four things wives can do to encourage their husbands during this challenging time.

032 Marriage: The Key To a Thriving Blended Family with Willie and Rachel Scott

SHOW NOTES

A blended family is when a couple forms, and bring children from their previous families together. This undeniably brings in stress for the couple, as roles are questioned – do you replace the children’s other mother or father? How do you best treat everyone equally?

On this week’s show, we are joined by Willie and Rachel Scott, founders of Better Than Blended. With their own blended family of 7 children, they’ve learnt to focus on being Godly examples of a wife and husband, mother and father. They share with us the common barriers, and how to overcome them.

Rejection

The most common challenge for women is the feeling of rejection. When you don’t get the response you want from the blended family, it’s easy to feel rejected. It can be confusing where you stand, for example being the additional mother or that you can’t replace the children’s other mother.

But you can gather strength from this barrier, through the power of an outside perspective. You’re better able to view the overall dynamic within the family and see where the tensions are, and address them in an open way.

Discipline

Another pitfall is discipline, which men tend to struggle with in a blended family. When their authority is questioned, it can be a crush to their ego.

But it’s important to stick with it, and ensure that children learn morals through discipline. It shouldn’t be done for the sake of it, but for family members to learn from mistakes.

Developing open communication is key to this, by regularly reflecting over mistakes and ensuring how to best not repeat them again, it can create “short-term resistance but it’s healthy on the long-term”.

Having Fun

Willie and Rachel have learnt that adding fun and quality time between husband and wife has been instrumental to the growth of their relationship and family. They schedule in regular date nights so they can unwind and be more spontaneous – having seven children has not stopped them.

“In order to have an authentic, thriving family – you have to have that in your marriage first”

By modeling a healthy relationship to your children, they learn to model such relationships with their future partners. Open communication, and being Godly examples to one another, is the key to thriving blended family. The more you practice this open dynamic, the quicker you grow and address future stumbling blocks.

Resources:

BetterThanBlended.com
Better Than Blended FB Page
Better Than Blended FB Group
Book: Better Than Blended: Taking Your Family from Surviving To Thriving!

Willie and Rachel Scott, founders of Better Than Blended

Can my step-family thrive? The key to growing a healthy, vibrant blended family from Relationship Helpers interview with Willie & Rachel Scott. #betterthanblended

030 Personal Growth: With Or Without a Relationship – Learn To Love Yourself

SHOW NOTES

Ever avoid being in your own company? A struggle with being single can push you into unhealthy relationships as a way to fight the fear of being on your own.

Today’s guest is Christy Johnson, a former ‘Love Junkies’ who constantly sought love through others and not through God and herself. She’s a speaker, author, and life coach. Her mission is to support women and feed their soul health.

Falling into bad relationships is big indicator that there is something within yourself that needs to be addressed; “baggage attracts baggage”. It can take a lifetime to realize that approval does not come from a partner, but from God and yourself.

“Be the person that you want to attract”

Nourish the soul

Look within and see how you can heal and love yourself. There’s a limit to our threshold when faced with adversity.

If we bottle in negativity and trauma, it will eventually pop out, be it physical or mental. Christy points out that ‘bitterness’ is Hebrew for ‘poison’; containing this energy within ourselves does no good to the body or the soul.

Unconditional love

God’s love is unconditional. It’s a liberating dynamic to realize we don’t need to seek approval from a partner, as God loves us no matter what. The Bible shows that it’s not our role to save or condemn people, but simply to love people as they are.

Unconditional love also requires forgiveness. The power of forgiving others and yourself is a huge step towards recovery, as Christy shares on the show how she coped from a family tragedy.

“We can’t learn to forgive if we haven’t been offended”

Boundaries

Learn how to guard your heart, and stop bitterness from others penetrate your soul. From simple things like leaving the house for ten minutes when things get stressful or dedicating ‘me-time’ a certain time each week. A habit of creating a comfortable atmosphere for both partners to address things helps solve issues much better together.

The fundamental concept of love in the Bible, love others as you would yourself, has been the cornerstone to Christy’s outlook and liberation. She’s now 19 years into a happy marriage with a healthy family.

It’s often when we’re pushed to the extreme and in the face of adversity that we recognize enough is enough, and things need to change: “God ministers to us when we’re at the end of ourselves and finally willing to listen”.

Resources

ChristyJohnson.org
Love Junkies by Christy Johnson
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Purchase Christy Johnson’s book below: